Do they learn/adapt?

[pipehitter]

I was just wondering if she will learn/adapt with my replacement.

I mean, we had relatively open talks and she explained that (at least the part about) being irritated all the time etc. would be caused by us living together. "I NEED SPACE."

I honestly think that, even if it would have been a BIT better - had delayed everything - it is more about emotional distance.

To my question.

Is it possible she will tell the replacement (who lives on the opposite coast as of now) that she will need him to move into another apartment should he move to Florida for her?

Or can I expect the relationship to go down the exact same way as ours?

There are similarities between him and me... . he lives far away. He is the second one after me, the partners before came from the same city. So she seems to have "adapted" that to her convenience.

It seems she, before she "found him" she already changed her whole life, kind of reinventing herself. New car, apartment, tattoo cover up, reconnecting with people she painted black, new music... . tons of smaller details too.

It still baffles me. She can only have gotten to know him last week. And I'm out the window.

[pipehitter]

One more question:

1. She NEVER said she doesn't love me, that her feelings changed.

    The text with which she broke up read:

    "I don't want to talk anymore. There is nothing left for us."

    Also in later communications she NEVER said it. Only that "It's over get it in your head."


2. Another point I wonder about. I tried to provoke a reaction by naming the replacement. She didn't even      acknowledge it. No denying, no rage nothing. As if This part of my email didn't exist. I closed a later email with "I sincerely wish you and J. the best." Which I expected to make her lose it and call me sarcastic etc. NOTHING.

[AG]

One more question:

1. She NEVER said she doesn't love me, that her feelings changed.

    The text with which she broke up read:

    "I don't want to talk anymore. There is nothing left for us."

    Also in later communications she NEVER said it. Only that "It's over get it in your head."


2. Another point I wonder about. I tried to provoke a reaction by naming the replacement. She didn't even      acknowledge it. No denying, no rage nothing. As if This part of my email didn't exist. I closed a later email with "I sincerely wish you and J. the best." Which I expected to make her lose it and call me sarcastic etc. NOTHING.

I think I know the answer to that question. They simply do not want to close the door fully. Did she talk with you in person like a normal human being would with a break up of someone so close to them? I doubt she did. I could be wrong but Im guessing the answer is no. She took the cowards way out and did not give you closure because they do not want to close the door. They want you to keep wondering and guessing and be confused. This way later on if all else fails which it definitely will they can weasel back. Once she starts the devalue cycle again which you can guarantee she definitely will she will try to come back guaranteed. If she doesnt try to come back then that means she has someone else lined up instead of you. Or she will bounce back and another option until she feels she has a solid ground on one of you two. This is theyre cycle. Attach drain then reattach drain over and over again. They are pretty much human parasites. We are the hosts.

[corraline]

re : they do not want to close the door.


mine said in his last few texts.

i don't drop anyone but i know when they need to do it for themselves.

[cosmonaut]

It's impossible to say for certain, pipehitter.  There are so many factors that go into relationships even when neither partner has a PD.  Yes, it is quite likely that your ex's new relationship will not work out.  BPD is, as you know, characterized by a pattern of unstable relationships.  Please remember, however, that this is not something that is your fault and it is not something that you can change.  It is not your fault that your ex is so disordered.  It isn't because you are such a terrible partner or did anything wrong.  Chances are you were a very loving and supportive partner - which can often be very triggering for a BPD partner.

However, in response to your original questions, yes I think pwBPD can indeed learn, just like all of us.  I think the success of therapies like DBT show that.  The problem with pwBPD is that they have so much difficulty controlling their emotions that their rational brain can't ever seem to win.  They jump from impulsive action to impulsive action in a desperate attempt to make the extreme, overwhelming emotions stop.  This is why emotional regulation is so important to establish with a pwBPD before any further progress can be made in their recovery.

Remember, this is not your fault.  You didn't do anything wrong to deserve this.  This is BPD at work doing what it does, which is primarily to make everyone as miserable as possible.  Hang in there, buddy.   

[fromheeltoheal]

i don't drop anyone but i know when they need to do it for themselves.

Whoa, that seems surprisingly self-aware.

Remember pipehitter that a borderline does not have a fully formed self, think of it like a half self, so when a sufferer mirrors someone they are doing it to affect an attachment, yes, but also to assume, to adopt, the 'good' they see in someone to counteract the bad they see in themselves, to create a whole person.  That's also the reason the idealization stage is so intoxicating; a borderline shows you the good they see in you, so you see the person you've always wanted to be, of course it's attractive.  What you are actually doing is falling in love with yourself, not a bad thing, although the mirror is disordered flesh and blood.

So anyway, she will morph into whoever she thinks she needs to be in a given situation to fit in, attach, and complete herself, due to that unstable sense of self, think chameleon.

It's early for you and you've been through a lot, but it's in your best interest to slowly start shifting the focus away from her and on to you to begin detaching.  Parsing emails and texts and trying to discover her motivations is fine and you're going to do it, we all did, but also start to consciously envision the life of your dreams, one without her in it, at some point in the future, and take at least one step in that direction.  When you get there, which you will, you will be healed and wiser, and will probably look back on all this as a gift.  Take care of you!

[Emelie Emelie]

Heel to Heel:  I don't think I'll ever look at this as a gift.  I'd like to see that as a possibility some day but I just don't.  Maybe I'm just angry tonight.

[patientandclear]

Heel to Heel:  I don't think I'll ever look at this as a gift.  I'd like to see that as a possibility some day but I just don't.  Maybe I'm just angry tonight.

Same.  I truly did not need this.  It exacerbated some really deep loss patterns in a way that was incredibly damaging.  It cost me years of productive life.  I wasn't behaving in a way that asked for this and I did my best to stay clear once it became clear something was wrong.  I set and kept appropriate boundaries even though it really hurt to do so. It still wounded me terribly and I don't know if I will ever truly be OK.

Can I survive that?  Apparently.  But was it a gift?  I don't think that's a universal phenomenon.

[fromheeltoheal]

Heel to Heel:  I don't think I'll ever look at this as a gift.  I'd like to see that as a possibility some day but I just don't.  Maybe I'm just angry tonight.

Can I survive that?  Apparently.  But was it a gift?  I don't think that's a universal phenomenon.

It was easy to see as a gift for me; she just uncovered unresolved stuff I thought was dealt with, and the pain motivated me to resolve it, to wake up.  I do agree that that may not be universal though.

Another type of gift is the ones we make.  Seeking balance posted a link on another thread that is some serious feel-good along those lines

www.ted.com/talks/andrew_solomon_how_the_worst_moments_in_our_lives_make_us_who_we_are