She called for a T reference

[Samsara121]

It was the day after her birthday, she called me to get the name of a T I'd talked about long time ago. She said despite 2 weeks of feeling very good in her new city, she now had "crashed" twice.

I said I would look for a reference and give that to her in writing. I was surprised she asked for it, and she said it was after the visit of "a" bf who's also cutting himself and told her he was going to T.

I felt somehow relieved she called because I had thought of her strongly the day of her birthday. She asked how I was feeling and said I was very low, because of the b/up and because I had just lost my best friend - out of cancer.

Like before on phone conversation, I was feeling half-listened to, as she was preparing her dinner and would make strong noises with the pots and pans... . after a while she told me she had met those 2 great guys who asked her out but said she did not wanted to go further... . And THIS time I was able to interrupt that very familiar rambling and bragging monologue about her never ending hook ups and asked why she would tell me that now? And THIS time I've been able to tell how it felt for me to hear that type of bragging: emasculating! That I was never enough for her.

She said I should have told her before, I said I wasn't able to express my feelings and that I was afraid of her reaction. I've expressed more and said that being with her was having my happiness being sucked in a black hole and she agreed.

And then she starts to make fun of seeing herself coming to my house, sit on my couch and eat my food... . like nothing happened... . She was flattering me, throwing her usual baits.

That's when I had enough of this crazy dance, and said goodbye.

In hindsight, I understand better now my craving for being needed more that for being loved  :'( - I'm a recovering co-dependent. The days after the call I felt like a drug addict wanting my fix! I felt like calling her and meeting her. I'm struggling not to do it.

I have this strange feeling that somehow she's helping me in processing the details of our r/s. I feel relieved I could express verbally important things, it helps me mitigate the anger. And that's a big improvement for me: usually I would leave the r/s without saying anything, just cutting myself from the partner. Now I need to express myself, I feel safe and respectful to the other person to do so. I feel I'm drawing my boundaries this way.

[arjay]

Small insights to myself helped me to better understand what was keeping me "engaged" even after we divorced.   It seems you are gaining awareness about yourself too, a really healthy and positive step.

Peace

[Samsara121]

Small insights to myself helped me to better understand what was keeping me "engaged" even after we divorced.   It seems you are gaining awareness about yourself too, a really healthy and positive step.

Peace

thank you for your support arjay. It's a battle against myself, against feeling lonely, I wasn't able to feel lonely before, now I do. I hope you're staying strong