Firearms and being nice to my "mother"

[coraliesolange]

On Monday my mom waved a gun around at my brother, was sent to the mental hospital, is probably facing felony charges.  Yesterday my brother lost his temper (as usual), I called the police, blah blah.  My little sister was TERRIFIED and trying to get a restraining order, I helped her, and then she said our mom's friend was coming to take her to visit our mom and I said I was leaving because I don't want to see that woman because she's an enabler.  I was told, just like my dad always used to say, that it wouldn't kill me to be nice to my mom.

I don't understand how I'm supposed to continue having any contact or relationship with any family members if they're going to continue to be disrespectful of me.  I don't owe her anything for giving birth to me and if a friend did the horrible things she's done to me they wouldn't be my friend.  Why should she be any different?  I want no contact because it's the only healthy way to live.  Does anyone out there have no contact but still have contact with other close relatives?  Is it even possible?  I want to be in contact with certain people but I'm so incredibly tired of the judgmental, disrespectful attitude towards me and my HEALTHY choices.  How are you supposed to handle those situations?

[Kwamina]

Hi coraliesolange,

Sometimes NC is the best way to go, but that decision is all up to you. I gather from some of your previous posts that your mother seems to be losing control (again) for a while now. I'm sorry you are having to deal with this, especially since you basically didn't get a real chance to grieve the loss of your father.

To be honest, your mother sounds very dangerous. Has she ever waved a gun at anyone before? It's clear that she's been very emotionally abusive for a long time but this incident is very disturbing. Your own safety comes first so if you feel like NC would be the best thing for you I think it's quite understandable.

When it comes to handling the judgmental and disrespectful attitude towards you, what helps me is being very clear about my boundaries. That doesn't have to mean my BPD mom and sis will automatically respect those boundaries but what's important is that I let them feel the consequences of not respecting my boundaries. In my own experience my BPD relatives won't change their behavior by themselves, the only way I've seen them change is by changing the way I treat them and not letting them get away with any bad behavior. They haven't really changed inside, but they are more aware of the consequences of any misbehavior and that seems to prevent them from acting out more.

[PleaseValidate]

My relationship w grandmother was not as close as I wanted it to be when I went NC w my BPDmo. The mother would guilt trip her own mo and say things like "she's mine" to guilt my Grams not to speak w me. This made me very sad. My Grams died last year and yet I still do not regret going NC w my BPDmo. In fact, I MUCH regret starting to speak again to BPDmo. I just can't be healthy w her in my life.

On the other hand,  it took BPDmo sister over a decade to come around to understanding why I went NC and she then also went NC. It was nice to have a little bit of family for a while... . Yet when my Grams son/caretaker died, my aunt/Grams' POA turned amazingly selfish and left me at Grams house all alone and none of my grandmother's kids came to help. (In retrospect,  i probably wouldn't even be on this board if i just called senior service and not allowed myself to be so manipulated by the entire family. To top it all off, they all lied to her w her dementia and told her I stole from her and never cooked for her, etc to try and make themselves look better! It's infuriating!)

Now, in short,  I am NC w my entire material side since Grams died in July. This is no great loss consider in all that transpired which I will not bore you with.

I guess having to go NC TWICE w BPDmo relieved any doubts I had from doing it once and will give me better closure... . I guess. I frankly wish I didn't go back to contact at all but for one thing, when my aunt assaulted her in front of me, some empathy kicked in. And then I forgot what a liar and manipulator she was. Because I WANTED to forget and have it all not be real... .

Trust yourself in your moments of clarity. ... .

[HappyChappy]

Does anyone out there have no contact but still have contact with other close relatives?  Is it even possible?

I've been No Contact for 6 months. My wife send the occasional e-mail, to be polite. I know many others that have been totally NC for years. It wonderful. But the down side is that it will effect or cut out relationships with other relative. I think it depends on their view of you BPD. My other family members aren't aware, partly because I was the scape goat and took most the pain. My sister for example, finds childhood memories too painful, and acknowledges their behaviour as wrong, but can't except our BPD never loved anyone. So I don't bother with her. But if you cut out a cancer - you take healthy tissue.

The truth is, it's worth it for me. I stayed out of the house and was brought up by friends more than family. I've had excellent friendships - my BPD family has always been a disappointment. So for me it was easy. Going NC gives more energy and time for friendships.

Also helps that my BPD Mom scared most people off, so doesn't have a strong sphere of influence. When we initially went NC my BPD worked overtime to intimidate and control. charming for England she was. I would recommend not stating you're going NC, but just fade to grey. Back away slowly. My BPD kicked off a bad episode of my PTSD, so that's the reason we gave for NC. Problem is, she's expecting me back. She thinks the PTSD isn't anything to do with her. So the plan is to go Low contact, then fade to grey if that doesn’t work. But we’ll attend funerals – I want to be sure my BPD is 6 ft under, not taking any chances.

I have to say, I can't get my head around America's guns for all, polocy. Almost every single first world country in the world has banned them a long time ago. Knowing what I do about BPD and Pyscopaths, so pleased they can't get their mitts on them here. Is the Gun Lobby over there full of vampires ? Charlton Heston = w*nker.

[lucyhoneychurch]

I almost started to cry when I read these words from Happy - "... . if you cut out a cancer - you take healthy tissue."

Both my maternal and paternal sides of families have that southern head-in-the-sand way of not wanting to address "unpleasant" truths. Life glossed over and saccharine is much better than revealing the hurt underneath. They abandon anyone who's in the struggle of a lifetime and trying to stay afloat.

Appearances are everything.

So when you are the one who finally cries "uncle!" and states why you're bailing on the sinking ship... . it doesn't go over well. One cousin, ONE person, out of dozens of once-removed relatives was the only person who actively listened and responded with something other than silence.

The cancer was the truth that they all avoided my abusive mother because she made all of them so damned uncomfortable in short visits. Well how they hell did they think we did living with her for years?

Coralie... . it's just as Happy described... . to be healthy, the cancer must go. But you have to be realistic enough to know that most will not want to EVER admit there's been a lifelong issue. That this person has harmed you, or is dangerous.

My mother never waved a gun around. But she threatened self-harm so many times, and that she would take my father or us "with her." I didn't know as a little girl how much of it was just a verbal bluff... . and it always isn't you know... . some people follow up such threats with violence... . all I knew as a scared tiny little thing was the reality that any minute awful things could happen. Because reality was... . EVERY minute of EVERY day awful things WERE happening.

Like these women who've been kidnapped and held captive - their families threatened by their abductor - public asking, "Well why couldn't she run, I mean, he took her out shopping, etc?" When the proof is that this monster will eat everyone you care about right up... . what's not to believe? You are trapped by power and control of that magnitude. They've already proven their capability for violence and abuse.

So healthy tissue is ripped out too, as Happy describes. Which leaves gaping holes. Which leaves monstrous pain behind as there is no rehab for us is there? Not in the medical sense... . no cosmetic surgery to smooth over the damage... .

I remember seeing the film "The Elephant Man" in mid teens or so... . I know now that I was associating so much internalized pain with that man's gross (as in enormous) deformities that he was so courageously living with... .

You don't have to be nice to your mother.  You don't have to have contact with her just to appease anyone else in your family. Your safety, both mental and physical, is the most important thing. Trust me - the ones you are even wondering about aren't looking out for you. After my mother passed last year, the ONE cousin, that sweet sweet man, was the only one who took pen to paper and wrote me. NO ONE ELSE. They made the assumption that they didn't need to have any contact - even though I have written condolence letters every single time we lost a family member over the years.

He said, "It has to be so very difficult." And he was one of the ones who was in contact with her, very open to her disorders and behavior.

You won't get validation from anyone.

So on this end of it, with your life ahead of you, don't chase the little pea under the shell - it will keep jumping around under there - navigate your choices such that you are autonomous and whole (as much as you can be) and you are in control and you are not living under the awful hijacked mentality that your life is not your own (like these kidnap victims).

Happy, you ask about the gun lobby... . I will only say in relation to this thread and the nightmare of these shootings and the situation... . too many in this country have this insane idea that something is going to "go down" and they have to be prepared - I have asked them to tell me when this is doing to happen... . who is going to come take their guns? They fear a more liberal idea that we don't have to stockpile ammo and weapons - I mean it is a paranoia. Regular ammo is not to be found on store shelves, not even gun shop shelves - they have wiped out so many caliber rounds with this fear... . I live in a very rural farming area - we DO need guns out here for the coyotes that are killing livestock, they have multiplied like crazy in the east now... . snakes, you name it... . there are livelihoods that do need a good shotgun or pistol like farmers or cattlemen... . but it's way way way beyond that.

It's a logic that is this crazy circular thing... . they can't point to any one area where they need this type of armed mentality. They view people of color (I am not painting with a broad brush here, they spell this part out) as threats. They view any different political leaning as a threat. I've lived here for almost 20 years now and it's generational. It's being passed down. It's awful.

Okay... . that strayed from Coralie's concern but not... . as guns are EVERYWHERE. I have a little .22 I love to plink at targets in my woods... . there is a huge earthern ridge behind my paper targets - no ricochets or strays going anywhere... . I love the calm of it... . used to do archery... . so little of the gun lobby is using theirs for peaceful marksmanship.

Little to none.

So that people like Coralie's mother who have no business whatsoever touching a gun can get one.

I bought mine from a friend. That is how most of the people I know out here acquire them... . rarely at gun shows where you DO have to get approval, that's actually a mistake so often relayed - the dealers have to do a check you get the gun later... . out here, it's legal to sell to anybody.

So Coralie's mother and anyone else out there with a grievance, and a criminal intent, can be armed given enough cash is exchanged.

The worst paranoia I have met is in a friend who lost his son to suicide just over 2 yrs ago. He refuses to see where his *arsenal* at home might've led to this boy at 24 carrying every day of his life and then using it in a fit of anger at his mother, in front of her actually.

Coralie - grab your life and run. I don't know how old you are... . but if someone had been able to tell me so so many years ago (I am 51) that I had a God-given right to live a life free of chaos and FEAR, and explained to me how to go about it (NC if necessary)... . oh goodness... . I can't describe how things would be so different in my life this very day.

You just keep losing. I promise you it's worth the bravery today, it pays off all your tomorrows.