Mother totally disregarded boundaries about visit

[AnnieSurvivor]

I am not happy at the moment - could use some advice as to how to respond.

I am low contact with my uBPD mother, but see her about twice a year (we live about 1,000 miles away).  In about the April timeframe, she had said she wanted to visit me with her husband, and that part is okay.  I said with my work schedule, I could have her at my home from Thursday, July 3 through Monday, July 7.  I was very clear about this, I am getting better at being direct with her.

So I hear nothing until today - when I get a voicemail where she announces that she has bought tickets from Wednesday, July 2 through Monday, July 14!  I already have made plans for some of that time.  I have learned enough here and through reading and therapy to compose myself and not react emotionally.  I also plan to tell her she will need to go to other parts of the state for part of that time (they can drive thank goodness).  Any thoughts on things I should or should not say?  Thanks!

[Kwamina]

Hi AnnieSurvivor,

People with BPD often have a very hard time respecting boundaries as you've probably experienced many times before. I can see why this voicemail would upset you so, especially since you clearly communicated the period you could have her at your home. Did your mother explicitly say that she wants to stay at your place from July 2 – July 14? Or did she just say that she was coming to your state for that period? If there's any uncertainty about this you might start by trying to clear this up with her. When you're certain she wants to stay the entire time with you, I would try to tell her again that you can only have her from July 3 – July 7 and that this was what the two of you had agreed upon. There is no right or wrong way to do this and no guarantee that your mother won't respond badly but if possible I would try to not make it seem as if you don't want her at your house. Because you do, just not the whole period but only from July 3 – July 7 like you had already clearly communicated to her. When you first discussed this with your mother, how did she react to the period you proposed she could stay with you? Did she accept it or stay silent perhaps?

[AnnieSurvivor]

Thanks Kwamina for responding! 

At first, she told me "I am coming to visit in June."  I was prepared for this, as she often tries to tell me when she will visit, and doesn't bother to ask if it will work for me.  We have had many long, painful conversations about her needing to ask and that short visits are better.  She thinks the bare minimum is a week, 2 weeks-month is better.  I think a long weekend is PLENTY.  She whines about how her mother always wanted her to come and stay "for months" (not true) and that she does not understand why I won't let her do what she wants.  She is only one time zone away, it is not like jetlag is a huge issue here.

With the help of my T I had already crafted a response - instead of just saying "no" I said the part about this being a busy time at work, and that I could be available July 3-7, but that was all.  I also work from home to complicate matters.  I have a home office, but she has already dismissed that as "not working."  Or asked "you can play hooky, they'll never know!"  (Yes they will). 

I could tell I stunned her about the statement of coming from July 3-7.  She said "okay."  And then she said, (in hindsight I see it now), "but we can use your place as a home base, right?"  I thought she was referring to going on day trips during the time I stated, and I said "yes."  Now I see that she was probably thinking she could stay as long as she wanted regardless of my schedule, like a free hotel.  In the future I will have to be even more clear that the dates are the dates and after that she will need to get a hotel.

I actually already have plans to help a friend move out of state the second weekend she plans to be there.  She did say they wanted to go a couple places, which she assumes are a day trip, but with a 3-4 hour drive one way, they are really not for their age group and physical abilities.  I plan to tell her that while I am gone, that is when they need to plan to go on their side trips.

[Turkish]

I actually already have plans to help a friend move out of state the second weekend she plans to be there.  She did say they wanted to go a couple places, which she assumes are a day trip, but with a 3-4 hour drive one way, they are really not for their age group and physical abilities.  I plan to tell her that while I am gone, that is when they need to plan to go on their side trips.

So what I get from what you are saying is that you do not trust her with the keys to your home?

[AnnieSurvivor]

Turkish - you are correct, I really don't want her in my house without me there.  It has been a while, but in the past I have caught her snooping in my stuff.  When confronted, of course it was my fault because "I don't share anything with her, so this is the only way she has of learning about me."  I already "mom-proof" the house enough for when I am there, can't watch her constantly.  Plus, interesting that she doesn't care if I am there or not - just wants to use me for free housing.  When I go visit someone I wouldn't expect to stay in their house while they are not there.  I guess I should not be surprised.

[P.F.Change]

Can you address the misunderstanding? Something like, "Mom, I'm sorry, I think that we may have misunderstood one another. When I said you could use the house as a home base, I thought you meant during the time I am available for you to visit: the 3rd through the 7th. I am sorry if I wasn't clear about that, but I will need you to stay somewhere else for the rest of the time."

You don't have to get caught up in Justifying, Arguing, Defending, or Explaining; if she asks for your keys, you can just say no.

Tools such as TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth can be really helpful when communicating boundaries.

Wishing you peace,

PF