Any advice will be appreciated ASAP

[kfifd196]

My apologies... . I posted this in the Law Section, but had no responses... . I need advice BAD!  Please help me.

I want to save my family and my marriage.  I have a 1 year old beautiful little girl.  

While I understand many of you will say RUN, I love my wife and daughter and know how much she loved me... . I want that back and want my daughter to have a nuclear family.

My uBPD wife filed for divorce in February, days after professing her love for me, to ME and to all of Facebook... . So, it came as a shock to everyone.  She was triggered, the night before she filed and we had been just talking about going to a marital retreat, to make our marriage even stronger and renew our vows.  (A month before, during Christmas & New Years, she was praising me and our marriage and how grateful & blessed she was for me being in her life).  The night before she left and filed, she snapped, bit me, abandoned our home and filed for divorce.  A false restraining order ensued and was eventually downgraded to a Civil Restraint.  She attempted again, to file another false one, but at least I had emails to back me up and prove her a liar!  The Civil Restraint allows me to pick up\drop off our daughter, but per my wife, I am NOT allowed to talk about reconciling... . a weird request and I'm also not alllowed to contact her family or friends.  (I think this is so she can continue to devalue me and make believe there's nothing wrong with HER.  Although, her parents know she has issues, but are protecting her, because they don't want the baby taken away from her or if they back me, she would keep the baby from them!)  Since then, she has been on the fast track to divorce and is being a real b___... . split me black and has devalued me.  

As I was boxing up her things, I found books on Mood Disorders, Unstable Relationships and how to stop controlling people.  I had emails and texts, love notes & Cards apologizing to me, admitting her issues and thanking me for being patient and standing by her.  They say how much she loves me and is thankful she met me, she has never felt such love.  TODAY, I found a 4 page letter (I never was given) apologizing for everything, saying how grateful and blessed she is and how much she really loves me and is sorry for the pain she's caused me, etc etc etc... . again, admitting she is responsible for most of the issues in our relationship.  I have ALL of this "evidence" proving she has issues, but she has split me black and now wants a divorce and this goes against everything she just told me.  

HOW CAN I LEGALLY STOP MY DIVORCE OR POSTPONE IT AND GET HER HELP, WITHOUT SPENDING A FORTUNE?  It is very obvious she has split me black, due to her trigger.  We've had 4 major arguments, due to her triggers of insecurity and abandonment, in which she went into rages, then apologized.  This is the 1st time she hasn't apologized and has done everything to destroy me!  But, her letters, etc show her love for me.  She also gave me a list of 365 reasons she loves me (1 for each day to open) and her wedding vows, this past year, even thanked me for being patient with her.  I KNOW HER UNDIAGNOSED DISORDER IS CAUSING THIS... . And she has convinced her family I am the problem... .  WHAT CAN I DO?  We go to mediation this week... .  I need to somehow get her parents on my side and postpone this divorce.  I know I can't force her to get help and SHE has to WANT to get help... . But somehow, someway, I need to assist this.   Please help me out... . Thank you!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Ceruleanblue]

Hugs to you. I too am hanging in there in a relationship with an uBPD partner. If it's not BPD, and I'm convinced it is, he has something else erratic going on that makes him rage, have wild mood swings, blame everything on me, and have skewed thinking(which I've learned on here is called dysregulation).

My husband has not left, but he constantly threatens to leave as a means to control and scare me. I'm not sure what you can do at this point, now that your wife has left. She has split you to black, and I always wonder if there is a certain point when they just don't come back. I think sometimes they think it will be easier to start over with someone who hasn't "caught on" to the pattern, and what this disorder really is. I think at first they are grateful that you put up with it all, but later, some of them just decide it is YOU. They'd rather tell themselves it is YOU, than have to own up to their own disorder and behaviors.

I hope you get some good advice, I can imagine how scary this is for you. I want my husband to get help too, but like you said, I know he has to want help. At this point, I think he'd still rather blame me,  although even he can't blame his anger all on me.

It's unlikely you will get her parent's to listen to you. I'd give up on that, because most likely you'll end up hurt by their rejection of you. You can try, of course, but just know family usually protects/defends their own. Sadly, in lots of cases it is just enabling the person.

[Leap]

How long do you have until the divorce is finalized?  Most states it is 90 days unless it is contested (which could be longer) or an emergency (which could be shorter).  As far as running, if you think it is worth a try to save it then I say go for it, at least for awhile.  Have you read the information you mentioned you found?  Have you educated yourself on this illness?  It sounds to me like she is doing the BPD favorite, "I'll get you before you get me" (abandonment issues).  She may have also read the info you discovered and decided it was a hopeless endeavor for her to get better, to much to try to even start, so why do it.  She may also just be having difficulty facing the enormity of what she has discovered about herself.  Maybe she is going to see how much you will "fight for her".  Maybe she is trying to protect you.  Maybe, maybe, maybe.  It is a good sign that she took some initiative to look into why she is the way she is (if that is what she did, although she might have had all of that information to try to understand you and your issues; in her BPD mind, you may be the one that is ill).  That is the issue.  We just don't know what is going through their minds and it can change from moment to moment, that is BPD and one of the reasons it sucks so much.  One piece of advice I would give you is try not to panic (as difficult as that can be).  As the finalization of your divorce nears, she may also relent and start talking to you again.  As far as the restraining order goes, it's pretty standard for a person who has one placed on them not to be able to contact family or friends of the one that filed it (stalkers can get pretty creative).  She can have it lifted but whether she does or not is up to her.  I feel for you.  Confusion is all part of this as well.  When you think you're doing right or it's getting better they drop the other shoe and wham, you get it in the nuts.  You mentioned mediation.  You might try bringing this up there but that could backfire.  In a lot of the research I have done on this illness, one of the things mentioned a lot is go with your gut.  The problem with attempting to broach this in any other way but a controlled environment (the mediation) is the restraining order.  She did that for a reason, the question is, what reason?  You are most definitely in a pickle.  But again, try not to panic, take a breath and relax a bit.  Worst case, the divorce is finalized and you are divorced.  That doesn't mean you will never see her or your daughter again, visitation and custody will be a part of your life for the next 17 years (again, worst case).  She has to know that contact is imminent because of your child.  They are not stupid or clueless.  As far as postponing your divorce economically, I wouldn't count on it.  You can contest the divorce but a lawyer is most likely going to be needed for that.  Whatever you do, do not down talk her (the walls have ears) which it sounds like you probably don't want to do at this point anyway and it would do no good in any event making the problem worse than it already is.  One of the ways that I have been able to not down talk my BPDw of 11 yrs is through my attempt to understand her illness better.  This illness is about her, not you.  Her issues probably run deep and wide and having to face those issues is not an easy undertaking.  I am a recovering alcoholic which I think gives me a little better understanding of where my BPDw is coming from.  Fear and loathing of self is the name of the game for an alcoholic.  An inability to live happy because we don't know how.  There are reasons for this but for someone who is not an alcoholic it is impossible to understand.  The same could be said for BPD.  I am not BPD.  I can TRY to understand and be understanding but I CANNOT understand completely and I certainly CANNOT FIX my BPDw.  She has to be willing to do this as does yours (which it sounds like you have already become aware of).  She may be close to being ready to address this or not, only she knows.  So I say to you good luck and God's speed and try to remember, it will work itself out one way or the other.  God works in mysterious ways sometimes and everything happens for a reason.  Faith, Hope and Love.

[Leap]

Cerulean, it's easier for him to blame you than face what he MUST face in order to get well and like you said, it's up to him.  He has to do it for him and his own happiness and well being but in order to do that, he must face the shame, hurt, guilt and fear, which is never easy to do.

[Fanie]

I am not sure what laws are applicable in your state / country

What I know is that a divorce can be contested and

that you may ask for postponement which will not be unreasonably denied

I believe that a divorce can't be finalized without your inputs

You have a voice

But you have to know what's bugging him?

Maybe its not BPD?

I have a feeling

That if he was BPD he will not see it through ... .

BPD's have a change of heart daily, weekly, monthly

If he is adamant for a long period of time, then I wonder if he is BPD ?

(Help brothers and sisters ... . )

[Fanie]

Aplogies: It must be "she"

[Stalwart]

Kfif: Do you know what actually triggered her to leave?

I don't think anyone here is actually going to tell you to RUN. Most of us have also had to live with ill advice from people that couldn't begin to understand the situations.

What is she doing with herself in her absence from your home. Is she going on with life or stagnating and going downhill? I have to wonder if dropping her off her papers and cards to either her or her parents (for her) might not be a good idea. It would give better awareness to the parents and there is a chance that reading through them might help her to realize the position that she's in.

I feel for you on this, it's hard to live between the two extremes and the confusion it results in. Your child is one? How is she handling that since the birth and bringing the child home. That's a lot of new responsibility for some people and may actually be affecting the situation as well. Whatever the reason, real or imagined, there will be a reason and unless you can clearly understand that you can't even begin to figure out an approach to save it. So often triggers are not what we feel they are and totally different issues to anything we could even imagine. Difficult when you've had contact cut but finding this out and determining what she doing now with her life will help you make a lot of decisions that pending.

Best of luck and stay in touch.