He's making me crazy with his constant badgering

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

This is all so difficult--I love the guy, clearly, since September will be our 38 year anniversary.

I've been on a big "time out" since mid February, living with our daughter, and he's still treating me like i'm his go-to for whining and complaining. He needs a friend, but what friend wants to hear so much whining and complaining?

So yesterday evening he's texting me, friendly enough, and then decides to just call me instead. I wasn't in the mood to hear his complaints--it's part of why I put myself in "time out." And I was just going to start dinner. i even texted back: "just starting dinner." So I didn't answer. He calls. And calls. And calls. over and over. But I wasn't going to give in to his badgering me to answer his call. So since I was making dinner my phone was in the other room, and when I saw the texts he'd left me it was more badgering about how I clearly had changed something in our communication, and he thought we were trying to have better communication, but if I won't answer him ... . blah blah blah. Very confrontational and "in your face." Even from a distance it's hard for me to deal with it. But it totally shows why I haven't been able to have a regular conversation in years--our life is about him, not so much me. And that's exhausting.

Then I have a big voicemail on my phone from him that is just dripping with disappointment that I am not doing what he thinks I should, more stuff about me not communicating and taking his calls since he was only calling because he has such a tough work life and his schedule is so full with weekly counseling and anger management classes, so I should just put the phone on speaker on the counter while i'm making dinner. And WHY are you in those weekly things? Because of stuff like this! GAAAHHHH

My T has worked long and hard with me to start being my own person again, and i'm headed that direction.

Anybody else with this struggle? What do you do in this situation?

[DreamFlyer99]

This is all so difficult--I love the guy, clearly, since September will be our 38 year anniversary.

I've been on a big "time out" since mid February, living with our daughter, and he's still treating me like i'm his go-to for whining and complaining. He needs a friend, but what friend wants to hear so much whining and complaining?

So yesterday evening he's texting me, friendly enough, and then decides to just call me instead. I wasn't in the mood to hear his complaints--it's part of why I put myself in "time out." And I was just going to start dinner. i even texted back: "just starting dinner." So I didn't answer. He calls. And calls. And calls. over and over. But I wasn't going to give in to his badgering me to answer his call. So since I was making dinner my phone was in the other room, and when I saw the texts he'd left me it was more badgering about how I clearly had changed something in our communication, and he thought we were trying to have better communication, but if I won't answer him ... . blah blah blah. Very confrontational and "in your face." Even from a distance it's hard for me to deal with it. But it totally shows why I haven't been able to have a regular conversation in years--our life is about him, not so much me. And that's exhausting.

Then I have a big voicemail on my phone from him that is just dripping with disappointment that I am not doing what he thinks I should, more stuff about me not communicating and taking his calls since he was only calling because he has such a tough work life and his schedule is so full with weekly counseling and anger management classes, so I should just put the phone on speaker on the counter while i'm making dinner. And WHY are you in those weekly things? Because of stuff like this! GAAAHHHH

My T has worked long and hard with me to start being my own person again, and i'm headed that direction.

Anybody else with this struggle? What do you do in this situation?

[LoveLove]

They "act out" when they feel they are being ignored - like a child does. I know with mine, he constantly wanted my attention/affection. He even told me that I wasn't giving him enough. I suppose it goes back to needing validation and knowing that you aren't going to abandon them... .

But again, it's interesting when THEY are the ones who are quick to leave out of fear of losing their partner. Yet, they think that it's us... . incredibly frustrating.

[DreamFlyer99]

So far, LoveLove, he thinks everything is my fault! He's only been in counseling for 3 months and i know it can take a couple of years--eternity for a pwBPD to "get it." So far everything he has told me that to him is wonderful that he's learned has nothing to do with how he treats me, and i don't know how long i can go on without having any of my needs met in the relationship.

[IsItHerOrIsItMe]

I'm still beginning to try and find my own life, I have one regular activity but that ended in March & won't start up again until Sept. so we're together pretty much all the time.

Yet I always hear that we don't have time to talk.  I point out that we talk all the time, she just chooses to talk about whether or not we talk enough.

When we do talk about other topics I get the "we don't have deep" discussions talk.  I point out they're not deep because she never gets past the first bits, where she asks me a question and I don't give her the answer she "knows" I'm really thinking... . so the conversations always start the same, proceed to her arguing with me about what I think until I shut it down saying "I'm not going to continue to argue with you about what I really think".

More directly to your experience, I went for a bike ride (after asking if she wanted to go... . she didn't want to leave the kids S22 & S14).  In the 90 minutes I was gone she called 3 times & texted 4.  (Call once, I answered said I wasn't going to answer again.  Two more tries and then 4 texts "why aren't you answering... . how dare you... . this is why I feel this way... . )

[DreamFlyer99]

Good grief,  IsItHerOrIsItMe! Everybody knows how easy it is to answer phone calls and texts while you're ON A BIKE. i guess there is such a huge fear of abandonment, or at least that feeling of being alone that triggers them into these over the top responses.