I think my husband have the symtomp of BPD

[nazz]

im trying to find out by googling and browsing every symptom of personality disorder, and i came across this website. i would like to introduce my situation and what i've been through this far.

i am a 30 year old woman, who is married to a 29 year old man. we got married last year on december. now, let me tell you guys about my husband childhood and the story behind it, my husband was adopted when he was 3 months old... . his mom was pregnant with him when she was 17 year old and the man who got her pregnant refused to be responsible, even his mom family told her to abort the baby but she decided to have it. and then the family told her that she was too young to be a single mom and how hard to live with the opinion of the society and they decided to give away the baby for adoption.

when my husband was 18 year old he found out that he was adopted, and he insist to meet his biologic mom. and since then he often visited his biologic mom and in my opinion they getting along just fine... . about 3 years ago after his adopted father passed away once again he insist his biologic mom to tell him everything about his real father, and then finally after 26 years he met with his real father.

first time i met him he was really sweet and nice to me and my family, he was also spending a lot of time with them. we decided to get marry after we know each other for about a year, during the preparation of our marriage his behaviour started to change but not that much, he started to pulled him self from my family and doesnt like when peoples criticize him, his mood change quite fast, he can be very happy and then when something trigger him he can be really angry even if it's just a tiny matter. one time he got angry over me because i forgot to deleted one pic of my ex, i have like a lots of picture of me and my family on my laptop and then i thought i already deleted all my ex pic but then it turned out i forgot to deleted one, he got angry and thats the first time i got scared of him, he started to scream at me and said unpleasant thing to me, what makes me really scared was he started to punch and scratch his own face, like he tried to hurt him self. theres a couples of time when he got angry he punch the wall with his fist. that time i thought it just a form of his stress from all the marriage preparation.

after we got married i thought he will becomes better but he is not, it becomes worse... . his mood is unpredictable, he is complaining a lot, he lost his sexual desires (we dont have sex for 2 months now), one day i can be the best thing for him and another day i can be the worst thing for him (this is also happen to others who tried to advice him or critisize him even about things which can make him better) and everytime i mentioned about my family he seems to be unhappy about it (im really close with all my family), he seems jealous even to my own parents, and most of the time this thing triggered his strange behaviour... . when the thing is not go on his way he becomes stress and started to scream and throw things, and he started to punch the wall... . one time his hand swollen from punching the wall, everytime he get into stress situation which is sometimes i think theres no need to be stress with. he started to punch his face and even hit his head into the door or wall and said things such as why he was being born, they should just aborted him, no one want him, everyone abandoned him, peoples always see him as a failure, he always wrong, he wanna die, he hope that he die,he feel empty, he hate him self and he hate all peoples and he started blame peoples that make his life misserable. theres a lots of time also he put me on a blame, that i make him stress, im the worst woman he ever meet because i put him in a very stress situation, and he also said he hate me but when he is normal again he said he love me so much.

one thing also is when he is really stress he started to talk to him self, and then one second he cry then laugh then angry then cry again. what makes me really worry is there was one time when he was stress i saw him staring at the empty space and he nodded his head like someone was talking to him and he started to cry, when he calmed down i asked him who he was talking too, he said that it was his adopted father who already passed away that told him that he is not a failure because he already make his decicions (before he told me that his adopted father is the one who criticize him a lots no matter what he did to make him happy, it just never enough for him, and he get the feeling that is because he is not his adopted father real son but then he also get the feeling that when his adopted father about to die he seems to regret that he was treated my husband like that) . he told me that everytime life put him under stress and seems like to break him down he always get a sign from god that he have to hold on... . before the stress attack come (i dont know what to call it so i just call it stress attack) he have some kind of seizures. and now this thing happen even when we are in public (before he get his attack only at home) one time he was screaming on the loby of the mall and also have this seizures. one time i feel i couldnt take it anymore and i told him i want to leave, and he started to hold me and put me on the bed and no matter how much i struggle i cant let my self go, i told him to let me go and he said he will never let me go and then he started to cry like a little boy and said if i leave him everything he believe in will be gone. and it makes me cry, and started to think that he gone through a lots in his life... . cry and when i asked him why he talked to him self when he is in so much stress and he told me he didnt remember that he talked to him self at all and he said to me its not a good sign and theres something wrong with him.

but what makes me confuse is when he is not stress about things he seems really normal, and he is also really smart, u can ask him about anything and he know a lot... . in college he was one of the best student, his IQ even reach 139... . and when he is not in stress situation he is really nice... . really nice... .

now my family seems angry and hate him because they thought after marriage his separate me from them, after i explained about my husband condition they seems hard to accept it, and started to think that my husband just made it up because before he didnt act this way.

i dont know what i should do please help me. im sory if my english not too good... .

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[kikimo]

I know I can't be much help. I do know from my reading that when they are saying insults to you, to pretend there is an imaginary mirror between you two. What he is saying to you, those hurtful things, is basically what he is saying to himself.

I also know that there are two different types of intelligence... . one is emotional, and just because someone has a high IQ, doesn't mean they have high emotional intelligence. From my readings, that many times when the trauma happened to them as a child, this is where their emotional intelligence stopped. That is why he seems to be having fits like a child would behave.

I really believe your husband needs professional help, but I can't offer suggestions (as I feel I'm not qualified to direct you on this). I hope someone else will weigh in, and you can find more information on this site that will point you in the right direction. I'm very new to this as well, and I can't offer much help. However, there are many here who can. So please come back often, post, and read.

[momtara]

I am sorry you are going through this.  Yes, it sounds like he has a lot of symptoms of BPD.  He may also have another disorder.  Most BPD people are able to cointain themselves in public, rather than screaming in a mall, etc.  Maybe he is having delusions, or something else.

A lot of these men are able to control their symptoms while they date you, and then they come out while married.  It is very hard for them to put anyone's needs before their own.

I know that when he cries or says he needs you, it makes it hard to leave.  I understand.  It was very hard for me to leave my xHusband.  The last straw was when he used the kids to scare and control me.  I never thought he would go that far.

If your husband held you down on the bed, he could get more physically abusive in time.  Please be careful about having kids with him!  It generally makes them a lot worse.  So many triggers.

You can consider seeing a therapist yourself, maybe an expert in BPD, and finding out what they think you should do.  It is very hard to get a person evaluated or treated who has this disorder.

You should go to verbalabuse.com and also read "splitting' by bill eddy.  They advise you to leave slowly, carefully.  (Unless you are in imminent danger.)  Or if you want to stay, you can demand he get therapy.

I hope this site is helpful to you!

[nazz]

To kikimo and momtara... .

Thank you so much for your support, yes this site been help me a lot to understand more about Bpd.

Regards