She was a BPD waif

[Blimblam]

Hi,

I was in a relationship with a BPD waif.  She doesn't sound like the girls in most people stories here.  In fact she never raged ever.  Not once.

And she seemed to In Some ways have a sense of empathy for others but never of any wrong she had done.  She was polite and kind to strangers. But she constantly lied to her dad and grandma.  In fact she used to take a kind of pleasure in bullting them and look to me for approval which I never gave her.  

I quickly noticed thAt many people wanted her attention like she was the apple of their eye. Her dad mom and grandma.  And every single one of guy friends was either In love with her or a douchbag ass which were her exs.  

I'm so confused with what was real? If it was all just a mirage if she ever truy felt love and what the truth of it all is.  Eventually with snap chat and her other social media her triangulation got insanely out of control.

I just don't know if any of it was real.  If she really loved me? Are there varying degrees of borderline and some can experience real love?  

And what the hell is wrong with me that I put up with her devaluing lying cheating and triangulation. She dumped me after I read her phone messages and found out about her cheating and other bull.  It got bad really bad. She never raged but her passive aggressive bull destroyed me.  Eventually I somehow broke internally and have been confused don't know who I am.  Have ptsd like symptoms.  Think about suicide constantly.  

I sent her a bunch of texts like a Moran trying to explain to her about apologizing and forgiving.  Seeing if she would ever be honest with me again.  Wanting her to make and effort to regain trust.

I eventually decided she couldn't be trusted because she made no effort and pushed her away by calling her a liar a bunch. Telling her she knew what I was talking about. And she would just lie and lie saying she never lied to me it was all in my head.  

I just couldn't stand how her devaluing got me to the point where I second guessed everything I would do. She destroyed me psychologically.  

I wonder if I am codependant or an covert narcissist or am borderline myself now.  

The problem is for some reason borderline waifs are my type. I think I've been with 4 in my life.

I'm just wondering if it's possible for somone to have borderline tendencies but be loyal and honest and not rage.  Is it possible for her to mature or what not out of the need for validation by a bunch of guys?  

[Sgt Biggs]

Hi Blimblam,

Sounds like you're in a tough spot right now and my heart goes out to you.

Good thing you have made it here, so many will understand where you are coming from and be able to offer good advice.

I don't have much advise to offer but I can tell you how I can relate to your situation and my plan of attack going forward.

I too was waifed, it was brief, 3 month relationship I've been out of for a month now. 

I never saw rage either although I do wonder if I would have seen this if I had stayed longer. She appeared to be extremely empathetic but again I don't really know if this was true. I like to believe so, I like to believe that deep down she truly is the kind compassionate person I was beginning to fall in love with but I've come to the realisation that I'll probably never know.   

Did she really love me? I believe so, but in a way that was not healthy or sustainable.

Her past ex's were described to me as cheaters, abusers... . yep douchbags a-holes.

I felt compelled form the start to rescue her to show here a better life I thought she deserved.

Then I noticed the lies, the inconsistencies, her flirtatious and promiscuous ways that didn't fit with the character she was portraying.

We spoke about it, it was flipped around, I was the jealous one creating stories in my own mind. I felt so much confusion and self doubt but thankfully finding this site and reading others stories helped me clear a lot of that fog.

It also led me to the realisation that I was attracted to her due to my codependent tendencies stemming from dysfunction in my own child hood. I now welcome this realisation and see it as a chance to resolve these things and grow.

Can  they be loyal and honest and not rage? I don't know, I can't speak for all of them but mine certainly couldn't be honest, didn't rage but I very much doubt she could be loyal either. I'll never know if I was cheated on or not but I do know I didn't catch anything and that's all I'm really concerned with now.

I'm glad I'm out and I'm looking forward to working on my own issues with a therapist.

This is probably something you should consider for yourself.

In the mean time keep on reading here, you will find answers.

You're not alone.   

[Blimblam]

I think the problem was my stupid b___ step mom filled her head with bull___ the way she talked to me. 

[Blimblam]

I mean really I knew she was crazy somehow and I didnt care. I lost her trust somehow so she broke mine in a deep way then tortured me for still loving her.

[Blimblam]

She caused me the worst pain in my life.  SOme say it's just the. Mirroring that we love and while I did love that I loved the other parts of her too.  I wish she hadn't lost that trust  that's trust was the key.   

[arn131arn]

Welcome Blim!



Yes, it's possible for borderline waifs to go an entire relationship without raging. I was with my son''a mother for over 14 years. I can count on one hand how many times she raged at me.

You are right. It is so confusing. Wondering if you are BPD (prob not), the fact you are here looking within yourself and others on here for answers proves you are not! But the question of "did she ever love me? Was any of it real? Did I mean anything?"

This is tough. Very tough. I know. I felt it and asked it 100 times on this very site.

It's natural to want those questions answered. But I believe the constant need for the answers to those questions can bind us and can hold us back from detaching and moving on. It hurts. There is no other pain I've ever felt that hurt me so bad. Never in my life. But, second after second, hour after hour, day after day, month after month, I began to move forward.

I had to stop asking those questions. And I finally knew I had the answer when I stopped asking the question. And the answer to me was, that it really didn't mater to me. That I had to accept that at this moment in my life was exactly how it was supposed to be. That I had to take radical acceptance and blind faith that the universe was taking care of me and that it would be okay... .

How long have you been out of this relationship? How long was the RS?

Arn

[Blimblam]

6 months.  initially we were still in contact would see each other and text often

  But I got tired of how she treated me and how she made me feel so I went NC for a bout 3 weeks in end of april into march.  Then got back in touch and hung out a bit in the end of april.  Hung out the second time and there was a window to jump back in where she treated me good but I hesitated and wanted to take it slow because she still never connected on an apologetic level.  then she got distant again.  when we did get back in touch a few weeks later she had like 5 guys at least she was stringing along and lying about. was constantly messaging ppl on her phone like insanely. and very defensive about it. the triangulation was insane.  she would also get irritated very quickly and become extremely negative in a passive aggressive way. then with her fan club and other guy friends she would show that sweet old waif I remembered which drove me insane.

we had contact once in the last 10 days because she posted her cat died on fb.  about 10 days ago she cut me off after I decided 6 days before that I needed to end this because she wouldn't stop hurting me.  So I just called her out on her lies day after day and negative ___ she would pull, of course it was "all in my head" and I was the source of "negative energy."

she would say "i don't underfstqnad"  and I would make long winded texts with links to things on the net trying to explain about trust and forgiveness.

I am pretty sure If I hadn't done that we would have got back together but it would have been a living hell.

[Blimblam]

the problem is I love borderline waifs that is my type.  SO there must be something wrong with me1!

[arn131arn]

the problem is I love borderline waifs that is my type.  SO there must be something wrong with me1!

Well, the fact that you recognize that something must be wrong with you is critical. It took me months to even acknowledge that something may be wrong with me for being attracted to someone who treated me poorly.

I took the "victim" approach for a while, and I didn't get anywhere. I encourage you to take a look at the Leaving Board. You will learn that the less contact you have the faster you will get out of the FOG (fear, obligation, and guilt). No Contact saved me, and I encourage you to tell her that you will not be contacting her anymore and you would appreciate her not contacting you, so you can heal.

Next, read up on the Personal Inventory board, as well. Knowing that BPD Waifs are what you are attracted to, chances are you have a savior complex and maybe co dependent. Qualities that form a "loaded" and unhealthy relationship.

Do you deserve a better love from someone than someone who is dishonest and has 5 other guys in the back burner? Give yourself some time, work on you, and get honest, my guess you will be amazed at what you find.

Arn

[Changingman]

Blimblam,

I have lived the same story, more raging though. It hurts me to read your post.

"She was polite and kind to strangers"

Yes, they mean nothing to them.

The disorder is manifest in interpersonal relationships. That means you and me.

Do not make this the meaning of your life, it is the meaning of their lives.

If there is any meaning to this mess it is to show you that you are a human being with the possibility of a real life, real feelings, real love. I truly believe to accept these Demons into our life shows us we are a door for them to the real world. They choose damaged souls, weakened souls to bleed. We must become strong, honest and fight the demons inside us that they saw.

A lot of talk is about what we saw ie a mirror of our ideal self, what did they see? Demons, voices inside us telling us we are not good enough, not lovable, abuse victims. They saw themselves inside us as we saw our beauty, the good... . they saw the ugly, the distorted.

They talked to our demons and found out our wounds and communed with them.

You must now look at your demons and expose them to the light.

You must survive, we cannot lose you, we need you.

Can they feel love?

NO, they cannot feel love. Can you?

Have you got BPD, NPD yourself? No but someone who hurt you has, this may not be the first, but it can be the last.

Was it a mirage? YES a fantasy built to abuse you.

Do they know? yes they do... . BUT Dissociation is a powerfull tool used by them to disregard their abuse and manipulation of you, you did it yourself to bury the abuse she subjected you to.

Crazy making, Ambient abuse, gas lighting, love turning to hate, projection, you must read up on this... . VITAL.

She has taken over vital parts of your mind and interior emotional life, remember she was a stranger to you once. She has put her messed up soul into you like a horror film, this is NOT who you are!

First step... . Be a good father to yourself, gently let yourself survive these emotions, they are not you.

The BPD disorder does not exist without others, thats why they will contact you when they have no one else.

If you felt a hope that she will contact you at some point, forget it. She will keep you weak and hurt for as long as it helps her, if not you do not even exist anymore, just a dead body... . there are many reaching back in her life.

She cannot love, she creates darkness and chaos because that is what she is, it is a terrible affliction... and she may be a female psychopath, opinion is out.

Other things they lack

Remorse, empathy ( real not sympathy or sentimentality ), accountability, self soothing.

You are beautiful, believe in yourself, be good to yourself, Be a good parent to yourself, all will be revealed. I am not religious but this stuff is pure spirit, there are no other words that describe it so well.

Evil? Zero degrees of empathy.

You look after yourself, you're supposed too! Being with a BPD almost by definition is a lack of care for yourself.

Ever Felt Had... ?

I am nearly a year No Contact, after a 4 year RS. Still finding pieces of myself. But better everyday, and more real... IT IS Beautiful. Release yourself.

Love to you

ChangingMan

[Blimblam]

look I understand the need to make things black and white but I really think there is a grey area.

I had 2 ltrs with borderline waifs.  This one was different though she was special.  I think, the thing with her was I saw her while on she was on lsd confront her reality and feel genuine guilt and shame.  SHe is capable of it but after it wore off some time later she hid herself from me more than ever.

[Blimblam]

what bothers me is she seems to like to date psychopaths and narcissits.  I seen pictures of 2 of her exs and they clearly had psychopath eyes.  My half brother is a psychopath I know the look in the eyes.  the other people she dated I met 2 of 1 is clearly a narcissist the other idk he might be a real person. 

Oh and the people that came after me 1 narcissist and now a psychopath from her past.

[arn131arn]

look I understand the need to make things black and white but I really think there is a grey area.

I had 2 ltrs with borderline waifs.  This one was different though she was special.  I think, the thing with her was I saw her while on she was on lsd confront her reality and feel genuine guilt and shame.  SHe is capable of it but after it wore off some time later she hid herself from me more than ever.

Blim,

I agree with changingman. I wish you the best. If you choose to try and reconcile, use the Staying Board, but I doubt good relationships and good treatments for borderline personality disorder are founded on dosing with LSD.

This website saved my ass. In the middle of the worst LSD trip of my life. It wi do the same for you. Whatever you decide.

Arn

[Blimblam]

Thank you people,

No I need to stay away from her.  WHen I had no contact but was still hopefull I started to find myself again but very quickly after spending time with her again I got more lost than ever and had constant panic attacks.

Its like that movie inception. she implanted herself in my fantasies poisoning them.  In fact I think the girl in his mind in inception is a borderline chick he once dated. my waif, shes dating her Psychopath now  I am pretty sure hes been planning a way to get her back for a while.  All his fb crap is like him going out of his was to find ___ she likes to post and even stuff I private messaged to her on fb.  I think all her exs know her password.

And im pretty sure hes looked up stuff on all this ___ I am looking up now but him being a Psychopath has a different approach. 

___ those nut jobs.

Me probably being a codependant am a nut job too I guess. 

[Blimblam]

I just wish there was someone with borderline tendancies of the waif variety but that had empathy is this possible? because that would be my perfect match

[arn131arn]

I'm sure there are some passionate people out there that don't lie, cheat, and manipulate their relationship.

Again, I encourage you to go No Contact and start reading and posting on our Leaving Board.

[Blimblam]

arn,

ok, thank you.

[arn131arn]

No problem.

You are confused. Angry. Abandoned.

It's tough when you care about someone so much and it's not reciprocated... . I was there after 14 years and a son. I know. Hell, everyone on this site knows. Has experienced it.

But it gets better. So much better, to where it's awesome! It's hard to see it now, but our members in the Leaving Board have experience with moving on with their lives, finding healthy relationships, and happy futures.

Continue to look at what attracts you to these women. Often, a good heart-wrenching look at ourselves is the key to our happiness. After all, we determine how happy out lives will be- no one else.

See you around. If you need anything, holler at me.

Arn

[Blimblam]

I was thinking back about all the girls I had flings with and what not and I realized 7 of them were borderline waifs! 7 out of 10! 

holy crap!  I can not stand histrionic or overt narcissistic women not at all.

so I guess I must be a codependent and the only set of traits I find not annoying are those of the borderline waif. 

[Turkish]

Hello Blimblam and welcome!

First, I'm glad that you found your way to the Leaving Board and are already posting there. That is the place to be where you can find empathy, support and guidance.

I'd like to answer this here though:

I wonder if I am codependant or an covert narcissist or am borderline myself now.  

The problem is for some reason borderline waifs are my type. I think I've been with 4 in my life.

I'm just wondering if it's possible for somone to have borderline tendencies but be loyal and honest and not rage.  Is it possible for her to mature or what not out of the need for validation by a bunch of guys?  

pwBPD need validation, even those with Queen tendencies, and those with narcissistic traits. So, too, do NPDs. Anger is seeking validation of pain, and passive-aggressive behavior is seeking validation that you care.

To understand why, one has to understand what makes a borderline personality. Though there are cases of BPD spontaneously arising in otherwise healthy families, BPD is usually germinated by a core abandonment wound which goes back to the ages of 1-3 years old. Due to this, they never form a healthy and strong sense of Self. Their internal identity lies fragmented, and at their core, often do not know who they are. Those of us with White Knight tendencies (this is me   are attracted to them, especially the Waif who signals "rescue me!", and them to us. They attach to complete that about themselves which was never completed. This goes beyond a normal complementary relationship. They literally need a love object attachment to complete themselves. At some point, emotional intimacy triggers a fight or flight response (anger or abandonment), because on some level, they know this is not right. We are separate people, individuals who may be wounded and may show unhealthy traits (like co-dependent tendencies), and they draw us in closer until either we abandon them, or they abandon us. Mine, too, was a cheater.

Looking back at myself. I realized that most of the women I was attracted to, both as girlfriends (I didn't have many), and also platonic relationships which crossed boundaries that shouldn't have been crossed, were mostly waifs. The two girlfriends, though they had issues, I am sure were not Borderlines. I can say, "they are my type," true. But I can also say, "this is what I am attracted to." It isn't biology; it's how I think and feel, and it arises due to issues going back to my childhood. This I can change, and I am still at the beginning of the process.

I encourage you to keep engaging on the Leaving Board, and the more you post and your story unfolds, you will find more information here which can help you better understand yourself. Acknowledging ourselves is the fist step. Understanding why is the next. Changing, if we so desire, is the next. It's a process, and it takes time, Give yourself that time and try to not beat yourself up. Perhaps go through the lesson on the right side bar, and take a look though the lessons at the top of the board when you have time.

I just couldn't stand how her devaluing got me to the point where I second guessed everything I would do. She destroyed me psychologically.

This is part of the walking on eggshells effect. They try to mold us to be how they want us to be (seeing us as an extension of themselves to complete that which they lack), rather than letting us be ourselves, Blimblam. Take a look at this and see if it gives you some clarity:

Self respect and our sense of ourselves

Our self respect, our self esteem and our belief in ourselves is slowly destroyed over time as we are exposed to the criticism and abuse of the pwBPD. The constant barrage of what we do wrong, how we aren't good enough, the listing of all of our faults and flaws - this toxic negative brew is bound to poison our sense of ourselves  cry

The good news? It can be changed... .

Self-esteem is based  in what you think.

Self-respect is based on what you do.

The mother of our two small children cheated on me and abandoned me. It was painful beyond belief. Even before I found out, I felt like dying rather than coming home. After I found out, I was obsessed with it, losing my family, and my replacement for a while. I lived with this for many months before she left. So dark thoughts were in my head (and they still poke around, but I am better at shutting them out now). I realized I have an intrinsic value beyond that which someone can get from me (being a Rescuer or Caretaker). Is your thinking of this just in general, or more specific? Mine was just walking off into the cold night until I lay exposed to the elements.

It's tough to change over three decades of thought, but I am slowly doing it. I encourage you to join me and many others on this board who are on the same journey.

Take Care,

Turkish

[Blimblam]

Thank you Turkish,

Well I myself at around 1 years old my parents split and I lived with my dad I would see my mother on weekends or part time.  she has BPD being a queen witch.  I feel bad saying this but she is extreme and I can not even be around she is extremely narcissistic. 

now of all the waifs I had been around this one was special. Another of the waifs was special too she became a litteral waif hitchhiking with a dog never begging never asking for help or playing poor me to anyone. The recent one well She is dumb maybe the intelligence of a 12 year old.  But there is something in her like she is genuinely trying to be a good person well she was.  She went into a rehab and they instilled this you are the love of your life your hapiness should come from within.  Since then she has become more narcissistic and selfish.

what was different about her is she actually would trust people but she would trust in narcissists and psychopaths and get hurt.  Then I came along and I slowly very slowly gained her trust.  In the rehab she learned not to trust other people to trust herself and after she learned that the devaluing began.

[Narellan]

  and 

I'm glad you found this site. I identify with your story so much as will many others on this site. And finding this support here has been a lifeline to me.

I'm really sorry to hear you're going through this pain. It truly is devastating. Not that long ago I was in your shoes. I couldn't see a way out, and had really black thoughts. I felt destroyed by my ex uBPD. He was everything I'd been looking for for my whole life. He spoke to me in ways no one ever had, and really touched my soul. Then left. With barely a word he moved on to my best friend.

He had already isolated me from all my family.

He appeared to be the most kindest caring man I've ever met. I've dated lots and was married for 22 years, but never connected with anyone before in this way.

It's BPD. And as you read through people's stories here, you will sense you have lived their life.

You've been given some good advice re resources and which board to post on already, so I just wanted to say hi, and send a hug to you. It's a terrible place to be where you are. I'm slowly crawling out but the profound sadness still remains. That hurtful rejection when you've given someone all of you. Don't be afraid to grieve, and cry. That's the only way to get through this.

I look forward to reading of your progress. You're with friends here. 

[Blimblam]

thank you