Trying to understand my role...

[janey62]

I've not been here for a while.  My pwBPD and I had a 3 month separation and have recently started seeing each other again.

He has been seeing a therapist and has cut down on his alcohol intake drastically and seems a lot calmer and able to talk things through.

I, on the other hand, seem to be just as sensitive as I was, even though when we started up again I told myself that if he started to dysregulate I would stay calm and try to validate him and not react to the hurtful things he says.  

I was caught by surprise though.  After a lovely weekend together when he had felt a bit unwell and kept getting breathless he went home and saw his Doctor.  He was told he has irregular heartbeat and that he would need a scan.  He panicked, even thought he Doctor didn't rush him into hospital, but made an appointment for several weeks away.  He texted me, which I knew was a bad sign because he's been phoning as part of the new open communication he's been practising.  He said he was scared and didn't want to die and then ignored my reply in which I asked him to phone me.  He then stopped communicating for 3 days in which time I was worried and even phoned the hospital to see if he'd been admitted.

When he finally did get in touch I was short with him and told him how worried I'd been and asked him why he had been avoiding speaking to me, not answering his phone when I rang him.  He didn't have a good reason and then hung up on me and proceeded to write me one of the most hateful texts yet.  I was so upset that I broke it off again and went into my sad, lonely place again.  

After a couple of days of this I realised that I'd fallen into the trap of feeling and reacting to his rage.

How can I avoid this?  I'm human and quite sensitive.  He basically said that he now knew why my ex is an alcoholic, why my mother killed herself, why my father wants nothing to do with me and why my son does drugs.  It's me, I'm the common factor according to him.  

We are now talking again.  I stopped feeling hurt and angry and now am just worried because I don't know if I'm up to this or how to manage myself so that I can withstand these attacks and not lose it with him every time.  

I've suggested that he talks to his therapist about hour relationship and he agrees, but what about me?  I need help too and can't afford to pay a T at the moment.

Any thoughts or helpful suggestions would be most welcome.  I probably should have 'validated' him.  :)id i do something which made him push me away, or was it because he was scared?  I offered to go with him to have the scan but he ignored that bit.

Help!  

Janey

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Ceruleanblue]

I'm admittedly new to this "validating" thing, but for me, I'm not going to "validate" anything so 100% mean and hurtful. No way. All the reading I've been doing on here has helped me to sort of "see past" the hatefulness of some of the things my pwBPD says, but I'm still not going to validate the sort of statement you talked about. I'm finding that walking away when my husband gets to that point, is the best thing for me to do.

I'm trying to validate other things he says, but anything pure hateful, I'm going to walk away.

[waverider]

Validating can be difficult as you can get it wrong. Sometimes it is easier to practice not being invalidating, with your default being not saying anything.

You are right you need to work on you. Rather than worrying so much about what you may have, or may have not, done to upset him work on what you are allowing to upset you.

[janey62]

Thanks for your input and suggestions.  I agree with what you say Ceruleanblue, though having heard it all before it barely touches me... .

My partner took himself off his anti depressants very abruptly a few weeks ago, mostly because he was feeling so much better (I think because of the therapy and not drinking and the time apart from me).  So now he is up and down, experiencing violent mood swings, which he's directing at me.  In his moments of calm he says he's sorry and that he feels wretched. 

I am, as you advise actually Waverider, saying very little.  Instead I have retreated to a safe distance and will wait to see whether he realises what's happening.  I did reply to one of his apologetic messages, and said that I wondered if he was partly feeling bad because of stopping his meds, being careful to follow the validation rules.  He agreed that this was likely.

After nearly two years together he knows the things which hurt me the most and uses them without restraint, then feels awful about it and so it goes on, a downward spiral.  All I can do at this point is look after myself.  I've got an extremely demanding job working as a Drug and Alcohol Recovery Worker in a prison and I am exhausted at the end of every day.  Ironically I have several clients who have diagnosed personality disorders and I'm working well with them and their substance misuse issues.  I have a much better understanding of the difficulties they are dealing with... .

This relationship has been very difficult.  Being away from it for 3 months was bliss in a way, although I missed him too.  I knew the risk we were taking in seeing each other again, the risk to us both, but I didn't think we'd be back in this mess again so quickly and I fear for him and for myself.

Janey