I just get very frustrated

[Samuel S.]

I do the best I can to earn more money, above and beyond my retirement, which takes care of a lot of the bills around here. I teach. I tutor. I write books. I give workshops to hopefully gain more sales of my books.

My BPDw is 17 years younger than I am, and she earns a lot more money, thus taking care of the credit card bill.

Lately, she has bought additional things, her D17 graduated from high school, and eye appointments for the both of them.

I just today found out that my eyes are not doing too well, with my left eye having retinal problems and my right eye having glacoma problems. All of us have insurance, but it still doesn't cover us completely.

So, my BPDw complained up a storm today about how I haven't done anything more, that I am not contributed enough, etc. Needless to say, while I do validate her, when she comes across so strong like that, I literally gasped for air. I can't speak. I just let her talk.

I honestly don't feel like talking with her when she is in her angry state of being.

By the way, I do have extra funds that are taking care of my BPDw's tuition for her college career and for her D17 along with a retirement fund. I have suggested numerous times that I take money out of my retirement fund, but she doesn't like that idea, because I would be losing money. Well, I would rather lose some money and have some money available so that we can cover everything and so that I don't have to deal with her anger. Also by the way, I think she doesn't want me to take some of my retirement out, because she has more control by being angry. UGH!

Well, thank you for letting me vent! I just get very frustrated!

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[Samuel S.]

By the way, she didn't even ask about how I felt, if my eyes were bothering me. She was just angry that it might be an additional expense and that she has to work some more. This is the same person who told me a couple of years ago in the hospital while I was having blood clot issues, that it would cost an arm and a leg for me to be in the hospital for a week. There was no expense at all, because I have triple coverage. She didn't care how I felt or about my health. She is just repeating the same pattern over again now, sad to say. :'(

[Ceruleanblue]

I'm sorry that you are not getting any empathy from your wife. I don't get any from my uBPDh either. It's really hard, because I have a strong desire to be heard, understood, and to get some sympathy, but he just can't or won't. It seems to be a BPD trait, in that they need lots of validation and understanding, but that is a one way street, don't expect any in return. Maybe it gets better for the Borderlines who've gone through DBT? I'd bet not though.

It's just sad, because we all want to feel like we matter to our spouses, but in a lot of ways, the focus seems to be on them, and not setting off their emotions, so ours goes ignored. I think my uBPDh also has strong Narcissistic tendencies too. He can never sympathize with me. I hate that part of it.

[Samuel S.]

Thank you for your feedback.

Yeah, BPDs definitely are very selfish with their "why me", even if it's not about them at all. They can have the worst possible history, and they carry it around for the rest of their lives, saying that if someone else has a problem, it is not as bad as mine philosophy. BTW, we all have problems, but giving negative feedback and discounting the others will not help resolve anything. Showing empathy as you said makes all the difference in the world!

Last night, my BPDw came home. I said welcome back and went into my room. Later on, she gave me a mild apology for responding as she did. While this is progress for her because she never did in the past, when she does that over and over again, it's like crying wolf over and over again. They turn out to be just words without true reflection and without true resolution to not do it again.

As a result of this latest episode of demeaning me, I feel rather down. It's going to take me a good day to get over it. Luckily, she is working today and tomorrow. Tomorrow, I am getting together with some friends for a birthday. So, that will lift my spirits somewhat!

As for yourself, I empathize with you. You deserve to be treated with love and with respect. Indeed, you do deserve to be heard, understood, and have sympathy. It's like the world has to revolve around him, and, heaven forbid, if you have any emotional needs, you too are discounted. Please know that I hear you, I understand your deserved needs, and luckily, we have each other with the others on this website!

[Ceruleanblue]

Yes, since finding this board I feel like I'm not so alone. And everyone here has been very kind. I was on a blog site for Step Parents, and wow, some were nice, but a lot of them would hop on my blog just to tell me I needed to leave my H because he was abusive(which I realize), and that I have low self esteem or don't want to work, or I'd leave. They are bitter with their own lives apparently, and I guess hitting someone when they are already facing adversity, makes them feel better. They wrote H and I off as, "just a mismatch". Right. He's been a "mismatch" with lots of people, which is what BPD is. Emotional difficulties with others, anger... . the whole bit.

I do feel like I've found a "band of brothers" here, and your kids words mean a lot to me. In some ways I think people with BPD almost seek out those who have a greater ability to be compassionate/longsuffering, because it's something they know they need. WE just don't know at the outset of our relationships with them because they keep those parts well hidden. We got sold one bill of goods, but end up receiving another.

I feel like I'm fighting so hard for H and for our marriage, yet he doesn't appreciate it, feels "controlled" by my begging him to get help. He gave me an ultimatum that he' leave me if I didn't go beg my doctor to put me of some anti depressant(and I'd already seen my doctor once, he told me it was my situation), and I did what H asked. So now, I'm medicated, yet he still wants to say his anger and rages are "normal", and that he doesn't have a chemical imbalance.

He did let me go to with him to his family doctor, and tell all his "behaviors", and his family doctor put him on Abilify,, which I later found out is the number one drug for BPD. I was so excited to hear this, but his "therapist"(I use that term loosely, and he's gone for three years and gotten worse), emailed his doctor, and I think she's trying to undermine H being given meds.

So discouraging, so your words mean a lot to me. We have to support each other, because we sure aren't going to get emotional support at home. Sadly.

[Samuel S.]

If BPDs only knew what it means to have compassion. It's like they are flying high in the sky, but always in the clouds and not really knowing what warmth is really all about.

You mentioned that you were on a step parent website. It's interesting that you said that. You see, in my first marriage, I had a step-daughter and then a biological daughter. My first wife unfortunately passed away from cancer in 1997. Then, I married my second wife who has a step-daughter. I don't know about you, but it can be easy or extremely difficult with a step child, but you do the best you can to love and to support, just like if they were your own. I guess that is why we nonBPDs can do something like what you and I have done. I most certainly don't see my second wife raising my own kids. She's too selfish and too critical.

At any rate, you being a step parent, I have an idea. I taught for 32 years on the high school level, have written and published 4 books so far, and have given family and teacher workshops. If you are interested in some great resources for success now and in the future for them and with them, please send me a personal message via. this website with your email address. Then, I can email you the family workshop. If and when you have questions, please let me know.

[formflier]

  Well, I would rather lose some money and have some money available so that we can cover everything and so that I don't have to deal with her anger. 

Hey... . not picking on you at all... . but really want to point out something that I think you should consider trying to get out of your thinking and planning.

If you are doing things to "avoid" her anger... . then you are handing control to her.  It most likely won't result in her NOT having anger... she will find something else... . or will figure out you did the right thing... but for the wrong reasons... . who knows what they will come up with.

Anyway... . that is a set up for your frustration.  Better thinking is to do what you think is right... . and stick with it.  Please take a while to develop your plans for this... . so you don't have to backtrack.