Returning gifts

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Slowly I have been selling, tossing or donating all gifts I received from uBPDsis.  I have 3 pieces of counted cross stitch, all framed that she did and I do not want them. I considered asking her if she wants them. I think offering them to her suggests that I care about her and /or I care about the pieces. On the other hand it also says clearly that I don't want them. So, would I be sending a mixed message?

[beatup]

Slowly I have been selling, tossing or donating all gifts I received from uBPDsis.  I have 3 pieces of counted cross stitch, all framed that she did and I do not want them. I considered asking her if she wants them. I think offering them to her suggests that I care about her and /or I care about the pieces. On the other hand it also says clearly that I don't want them. So, would I be sending a mixed message?

[P.F.Change]

Hi, beatup,

I can see why you are torn. Sometimes it feels like there's not a right answer. I like to keep in mind that there's usually also not a wrong one.

None of us can predict exactly how your sister would interpret your offering to return her needlework. It is possible it could feel like rejection to her. It's also possible she would be glad to have them back. How will you feel, either way? If you do not want to risk upsetting her by telling her you no longer want the pieces, maybe it would be better to find them another home. On the other hand, if you are okay no matter what she does, it does seem like a nice thought to let her choose what happens to them. It's your call, and there's not a wrong answer.

Wishing you peace,

P.F.Change

[Levi78]

I don't know exactly how your sis will react, but I'll tell you how my uBPD mom would react if I gave her back a gift... .She'd have a complete fit!

Not sure if this is a BPD thing or just my mom's quirk, but she has a delusional outlook on gifts. First of all, every gift she ever receives is wrong and criticized. Ironically, she is always "over-gifting" -- constantly buying stuff that people obviously don't need or want. (Lots of thrift store crap.) Then, she comes over and checks on the junk. When it's missing, she point blank asks where it is. I say "well mom, I really didn't need that set of dishes so I donated them." I am then deemed rude and ungrateful. This gift routine is repeated every time I see her. Every. Time.

If your sis isn't a "gift checker," I'd just quietly get rid of the cross stitch. If she's the visiting sort who expects it to be prominently displayed, offer it back to her. Just brace yourself for the freak out.

[PleaseValidate]

Some people have more of an attachment to items they have made. As an artist,  i was extremely  distraught when I learned my former bff threw out a handwritten book I made her son. I'm assuming this was meant to be hurtful and she just didn't want to deal w me. (She has many avoidance qualities. )

Does your sis consider her needle-point art or more of a time-filler and relaxer? Is your goal to hurt her or just be done w her?

[beatup]

Thank you all for your answers... .it is very helpful for me to think through everything carefully when dealing with uBPDsis.

  PLeaseValidate: I don't know what sis considers her needlework as... .She has given some as gifts and she has done some for herself as well. I do know that ANY gift from her has to be praised and praised and one thank you is not enough. My primary goal is to be done with her but I think that maybe I want to hurt her too...

Levi: I do think there will be some freakin' out on her part... .at least questions like why don't you want them? Most of my communication with her goes badly so I have no reason to think this would go well. I am prepared for that... .keep it simple... .it is after all, a yes or no question.

  PF: I appreciate you saying that there is no wrong answer... .and that it is a nice thought to let her choose what happens to them. A few years ago she sent me some stuff that she thought I should have and patted herself on the back for being kind and thoughtful but somehow I don't think that I will be viewed as kind or thoughtful. 

[littleln]

So I have no qualms about chucking or giving away gifts from BPDmil. She gives us too much stuff and 99% of it is crap no one wanted in the first place. The exception I make is for anything she made (she knits, quilts and sews poorly... .but she still puts a lot of time into it when the modd hits her). The reason I make this exception is that often a LOT of time is put into these items and I feel that chucking them or giving them away is above and beyond cruel. Sure, it's something she herself might do without a second thought, but I won't sink to that level... .I"m not sure what it is about her (or BPD?) that makes her think this is OK but she has done it herself. PErsonally, I wouldn't do that to anyone.

If I ever really wanted to get rid of one of these items, for whatever reason, I would either give it directly to her or I would give it to her daughter. She would have a fit, but I have no idea why. I don't think it's appropriate in this case since the alternatives where to chuck it or gift it to a 3rd party. so I tend to try to do the right thing and if a fit ensues I really don't view it as my problem, it's her problem, and then I just refuse to talk to her for months. Act like a child, get treated like a child.