Any hope to get this dBPDh to talk so we can compromise?

[lizzie458]

dBPDh is at it again.  His BPD seems to come and go lately.  He is dysregulating and dissociating, but he is having moments of clarity where he listens to reason and we can resolve some things.  But of course, before long that gets twisted in itself so it's a wonder anything gets done at all.

BPDh is wildin' out, trying to control anything and everything "just because".  We are having our second child in December and he is now going back on his word that we could have a home birth.  I personally am more comfortable giving birth at home, and due to my past birth history and other factors, I feel it is the safest option for myself and the baby.  BPDh, who suggested the first home birth, is now calling home birth "too weird" for him.  He won't discuss it so I can try to understand where his fears/anxiety/whatever is coming from so we can resolve that and/or compromise on something we can brainstorm that meets our needs.  I suspect his feelings are too big, he's too scared to get into all that.  Either that, or he's just so desperate for control over something, he is attempting to manipulate everything, in the hopes that I will concede at least something. 

At any rate, this sucks and I don't know what to do.  I don't want to completely cut him out of the plans - I don't think that's good for our marriage or anyone.  I'm at a loss as to how to discuss this with him though, since he's adamant I just do what he wants, no questions asked or else I'm being domineering (cue eyeroll).  Obviously, if he continues to be so obstinate, I'm going to have to just do what I feel is best.  But I do think this can be salvaged, so can someone point this rusty non in the direction of a good communication tool, or give me some tips?

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[lizzie458]

Update - I went to the tools and read SET, worked out an outline.  He wants to talk about it soon and has been in a remarkably decent mood, so I'm hoping that plus SET coupled with our new method of setting a 2 min timer for each person to talk, will yield some halfway productive results.  It's so weird, he's been in a good mood but then shut down again last night while talking about another big life decision we're making.  But then this morning all was fine again.  Life with a pwBPD is like a box of chocolates - you never know what you're gonna get!

[Olinda]

Glad you feel hopeful. 

Just wanted to give you a supportive comment about homebirth: best decision I ever made.  Very much the best if you and baby are healthy.

Hang in there and like you said, do what you feel is best if he is not able to be on board. It is your body, your birth experience, your safety.

[momtara]

Sometimes I'd wait a few days until exH got into a better mood, then discuss things again.  Or do it in front of a therapist so he has to explain his reasons.

I had two kids with my exH too.  I hope yours is reasonable around the kids.  Mine was at first, but got worse.

Homebirths are usually ok unless there are risk factors.  Just make sure you are able to get emergency help quickly if anything goes wrong.  I know a couple who had a problem free pregnancy but the kid had shoulder dys tochia and the midwives couldn't get him out and he couldn't breathe.  Not to alarm you, most home births work out fine.  But just letting you know.