I give up

[DucatiDC]

I can only do so much. I have done everything I can with my H's last outburst. I know I can't calm him down and I have stopped trying. And I think I'm finally am at the point where I don't care anymore. I don't even think I care about the relationship anymore. I do know I can't possibly hurt anymore than I do right now. I don't even care about staying in the house I just worked my butt off to get into. Right now all I care about is getting my dog, my stuff and myself out safely. If some sort of miracle happens before then and he actually talks to me before July 1st, about anything other than insulting me and threatening me with things, I will be more than happy to talk him. But if not then I can't waste anymore of my life married to someone who starts fights for no reason while destroying our home all the while refusing to talk to me about anything at all and just telling me he hates me. Everything I have said to him in the last 2 emails I sent to him was just basically letting him know that I am still here if he wants to talk and that was it.

The whole time I have been coming here I have mostly been on the staying board, only going to undecided for other perspectives every now and then. In my heart though, I always wanted to stay. For the first time I am now thinking I should be on the leaving board and preparing to separate once and for all.

[OutOfEgypt]

I'm sorry.  I know the exhaustion.  I think many people on the leaving board, however, would say that they, too, in their hearts wanted to stay.  I still wish things worked out with my ex.  I really do.  I see how it has hurt my kids to have their family broken up.  It sucks.  But I could not do it any more.  I did not want to live the rest of my life like that... . all the anxiety, the torment, the uncertainty about what bomb is going to drop next, the lying, the gaslighting and denial and projection eroding my sense of self and casting constant doubt on my perceptions and feelings, the holding my head under water, the waif-ing, the blame, the affairs, etc.  No thank you.  In an ideal world, I would love to still be with her.  But this is the real world, not the ideal world.  She is not good for me.  Not by a long shot.  I realize that marriage is about vows and promises, and I believe I fulfilled those the best that I could.

In a way, it's like watching the one you love be kidnapped by a van full of masked criminals, hell-bent on stealing them away and destroying your life and family.  But then you notice, as the van door is sliding shut while they speed away, that your spouse is smiling with them -like your spouse knows his/her abductors and likes them.  What is to you like losing your loved one is, to them, like normal life.  My ex still doesn't really believe there is anything wrong with her, and she claims she is as happy as she has ever been... . for now.

[DucatiDC]

I couldn't of said it any better than what you just wrote, "all the anxiety, the torment, the uncertainty about what bomb is going to drop next, the lying, the gaslighting and denial and projection eroding my sense of self and casting constant doubt on my perceptions and feelings, the holding my head under water, the waif-ing, the blame, the affairs, etc.  No thank you." No thank you is right and I have been saying yes thank you for over 10 years now. I am having a hard time not feeling like I have given up. I keep repeating the line in sickness and in health in my head and I feel like I am giving up. But what else can I do? Nothing... . But I guess I have to remember that I have tried my best and it's just not good enough and never will be. Especially when he constantly has one foot already out the door anyways. I think you are right when you say marriage is about vows and promises and I can honestly say I did that. But I have to keep telling myself marriage does go both ways. It can only work when both people want it to work. I just can't help feeling like I failed... .

[OutOfEgypt]

You didn't fail.  You were set up to fail from the beginning.  You cannot "satisfy" a black hole.  You are human, and so any flaw or failure you have (which ANY of us have... . which is why marriages have VOWS) is capitalized upon and blamed as a way to take the eyes off of them and control you.  There is no "good enough" when the person's motif is to constantly find some reason to blame you and push you away and replace you.  It is an impossible situation.

It's like being kicked when you are down, then told you are kicked because you are down on the ground instead of standing up, revolving around their needs, all the while the fact that you are down on the ground because they are continually tripping you and breaking your legs is conveniently swept under the carpet.

I was married for a little over 13 years.  I was cheated on at least 4 times that I know of.  I was put down and blamed for her misery in the relationship (and hence, why she kept finding other men and why she treated me badly and laid in bed and played video games or Facebook for the larger part of a dozen years).  I still may never recover sexually from all the put-downs I received for not performing well or figuring our her "needs" enough (I was a virgin when I met her).  It isn't worth it.  I am in the process of detaching, and if your situation is as bad as mine has been (as you say, "they are always one foot out", you won't ever really be able to find peace living in that hell.  That is the goal of their whole dynamic... . keep dropping bombs to keep you thrown off, defensive, insecure, controlled, blamed, paralyzed, indulgent, afraid, and yet strangely still compassionate toward them and always wanting to give it another try.

Marriage does go both way, and if you have children they need to have one sane parent who is not constantly wrapped up in the drama and mess.  I couldn't do it.  She demanded my obsession with her, and then she put me down and crapped on me for it.  And all the while my kids went through a nightmare.  I don't know if you have any children.

You didn't fail.  Again, a black hole cannot be filled.  You are human.  Think of the best friends in your life (if you HAVE any left, having all of your energy caught up in your BPD spouse, and walking on eggshells for years to avoid hanging out with people she didn't like, as I did).  Think of how your best friends tolerate your wearknesses and failures and help carry burdens with you.  That is how a marriage ought to be, how a good relationship ought to be.  It ought to be a mutual friendship.

But there is no such thing in this case.  It becomes more like emotional slavery.  Total devotion is expected and treated as though it is normal to ask of us.  We become the designated sole custodians of all their happiness and fulfiller of all their needs (as if that were possible).  Everything from how we are never allowed to have any negative feelings about them, how they never take responsibility, and how we are expected to initate everything and "understand" all of their tantrums and demand control of everything.  And nothing is ever enough.  It isn't you.

But I know how it goes.  We keep thinking, "If I only did this or that better, maybe they would come around... . maybe we wound finally get around that bend in the road and things would smooth out."  It won't.  They are drama-addicts.  They put their inner conflicts onto everyone close to them.  That belief... . the belief that I was the failure and if I was only "fixed" in certain ways... . kept me enslaved and subject to so much b/s I cannot even tell you.  We think, "If I was better, then they would come to the table of the relationship mutually."  We long for them to be the person we want them to be, the person we once thought they were perhaps, but they aren't.  We love them and wish our love to bring them to life -because in a way love is designed to do that- but for them it won't.  So we beat our head against the wall and then scramble like puppies whenever they decide to throw us a bone or a crumb from the table.  Reality stinks, but it needs to be faced, even though we certainly do truly love them.

If you haven't read them, you may benefit from these two articles.  They have been so helpful to me.  The one about the borderline personality disorder love relationship evolution was so accurate to my parents that my dad was so upset after reading it that he couldn't even talk about it.

Lesson 2: Understanding Your Situation

How a Borderline Personality Disorder Love Relationship Evolves

[DucatiDC]

Oh man you said it! Again I couldn't of said it better myself. I'm am thankful for the fact we don't have children. I want them, but not with an insane person so I'm hoping that is going to keep my eyes on the prize so to speak and help me detach even more. I want kids but there needs to be some major changes before that can happen. And if he refuses to seek help after this last blow up then I'm done anyways. I'm also lucky enough to have been in debt (from college) before we really ever got envolved so most things finically have been kept separate kind of for that reason. For example I don't have a bank account, I cash my checks at Walmart every week. The debt is from college which really was the only reason I filed bankruptcy. I couldn't afford the $600 a month payment and the bank refused to consolidate my loans for me, to make a way long story short my lawyer screwed me and my bankruptcy was never finalized.  Anyways, I usually just give him a sum of money every week out of my paycheck to cover all the bills. He was paying for both the bills I created on my own and the ones we had together throughout our whole marriage basically. He never understood that when you get married it really is both of our bills. So I guess his refusal to trust me is actually going to make it easier for me. The only thing he has left over my head is my phone. Which I need. Not only is it my everything for work,  but i'm a girl, my phone is my life  , plus I'm traveling for work on the 23rd of this month and I need my phone. Of course it can't be me who cancels the plan because then he would make me pay the termination fee & of course he won't just put my line in my name. A simple transfer of billing is all he needs to do. But he won't. So basically I'm just in limbo until on that one till the July 1, the day he said he was canceling it. Oh he said he was canceling it because I was taking him off the Heath insurance. Which I did say I was going to do, but only if he was divorcing me because if he's no longer my spouse he no longer gets the benefits of it. He sent me a 2 sentence email that said just that. That since he was off my health plan as of July 1st he is canceling my phone on that day. I sent him  a short response back saying I was only doing that if he was planning on divorcing me. If he wants to stay on my Heath plan then he needs to stay married to me and that he needed to let me know what he wanted to do  because I could get him off the plan as of July 1st if he wanted me out if his life so bad. 

We don't have kids but we do share a dog together. A dog that was fought over the last time this happened and the dog ended up staying with him. Which to this day makes me cry just thinking being without my baby puppy. Well I'm not leaving him this time, he basically is my child (yes I'm one of those) so leaving him here with a crazy person is not an option this time. My H has told me to "take the dog with you when you leave too" so I'm not that worried he's going to fight me too much on that this time. But I'm thinking he's not fighting me on the our dog because he thinks I want the house. Again, he doesn't understand it's not the house I want but the family. So I hope he just continues putting all his energy into thinking i want the house because I really think once he knows I don't care and our dog is what I care most about then he may try and hide the dog somewhere. So I'm using this time to plan out what I need to do to get me, my dog, and my things out of here all in tact. That's the goal anyways. And I think I give until the 1st to come and talk to me. If not, then ill give him what he wants and stop being "spiteful for not leaving" .

Again thank you so much for taking the time to respond. I never thought posting could be as helpful as it has been so I truly appreciate you taking the time to answer so in depth. I don't think I read the top article so i will for sure have to  do that.   

[OutOfEgypt]

Sounds like a hairy situation, especially with the dog (ha... . a pun).  I'm sorry.  No, I do understand about the dog being like a child.  Well, do you have anything documented that has him saying to you, "Take the dog when you leave?"

I'm sorry you are going through this.  It is funny how much projection comes out near the end of the relationship, too.  I was accused of being "spiteful" and "a schemer" because I had her kicked out twice before during past divorce attempts and wanted to file for custody of our children, but did not tell her I was doing so in advance.  Yet, it was because not only was she holding all of our heads under water with her waif-ing and constant blameshifting and denial of responsibility (basically, "shut up and let me handle this... . you're making it worse... . oh its because you make me unhappy... . ", but she was having an affair behind my back... . for months.  Actually, she had a phone sex relationship with my best friend, whom she then blackmaled so he wouldn't tell me about her actual sexual relationship with a man she pretended for about 9 months was "gay", until I found out on my own.  Terrible stuff.

I hope those articles help.  They did help clarify things for me, although I kinda already knew.  Let's just say they validated what I already saw and confirmed what I thought and showed me that it really *is* a pathology that can be predicted and tracked across many people.

Good luck in making your decision.  I know it is hard.  I regret that my kids have to live in a divorced home, and I wish that things were not like this, but I do not regret getting out.  It is like a constant mind-game -one we are ill equipped to "win."  We won't win.  They are "professionals" at it.

If it helps, I prayed and prayed for about 12 years for things to get better.  I hope that if I just fixed myself then finally things would smoothe out.  I hoped God would just zap us and make it all better, because it was so excruciatingly painful.  But I realize, for myself, that I was basically trying to pass the buck onto God.  I wanted him to act so that I wouldn't have to, wouldn't have to make a decision.  And with that, nothing changed.  Things only got worse.  Meanwhile, counselors warned me and one explicitly told me "she's borderline.  she's pathological.  she's going to keep doing this to you."  Over the 9 years that followed, I painfully experienced what he meant, though I still thought it was mainly my fault for not being good enough.  Nine years of waffling and telling myself, "but I love her" and "but if I could only find a way to be better in this area and not be so anxious and withdrawn from her (of course, neglecting the fact that in many ways I had REASON to be withdrawn from her... . people don't tend to want to stick their hand in bear traps!).  And for what?

Well, at least I know that I tried to the extend of my ability, but I saw that there's a point where I was just feeding the crazy cycle.  Staying in any way was feeding the crazy cycle.  As long as she lives with someone else, she will do it to them, I concluded.  No amount of "boundaries" would ultimately change her pathological way of relating to people... . charismatic and sweet and charmind and attention-gathering to those she doesn't know... . and neglectful, blaming, tyrannical, lying, cheating, but still innocently 'cute' and vulnerable to those she is close with.  In fact, that was crucial for me to realize, anyway, since boundaries are not about impacting change in others but about safeguarding you and your values.  And she *hates* boundaries... . anything that would assert my feelings, desires, and values in a way that negatively impacted her.  I was "mean".  Oh well... . if that makes me mean, then good.

[DucatiDC]

Oh I have been called "spiteful, "mean, dumb, stupid, slut, whore", every insult you can name. And I think it's all projection. I'm being spiteful for not leaving my home, dog and husband because he no longer wants to be married? Ok?

I don't have anything but my documentation. I started keeping a journal of our interactions that weren't thru text or email. So i do have that, but nothing else that shows him telling me to take the dog with me. I'm just going to do it when I do leave. He still thinks that I plan on staying and fighting him over the house. Which I was real adamant about staying in when this first started. Now I don't care, I just want my dog and my things out. I don't plan on telling him my plans for leaving, I just plan on doing it. Especially if things continue how they are.

I'm sorry you had to experience cheating, my father cheated on my mom but they're one of those couples who's marriage actually got stronger because of it. They are two healthy people so with hard work and effort they were able to overcome it. I don't think my H is cheating but he projects everything else on me I'm starting to think he's just been good at hiding it. But I want to say he hasn't. He's not very sexual and he always tells me how much he hates slutty girls. If you listen to him talk you would think this world got flipped upside down when it comes to gender roles. He of course thinks it's mostly women who can't help straying from  marriage than men. I think it's actually pretty even when it comes to what gender cheats more but most people would say it's usually men who are more likely to cheat. He thinks that women, mostly all women and I'm sure I'm included are all sluts who just go around giving it up all the time.  That is not the case with me and never has. Every person I have been intimate with was someone I was in a relationship with and my "number" can still be counted using one hand. The false accusations of cheating is what hurt me the most and the one thing I just cannot stand! I maybe a lot of things but I am not a liar or a cheat. If you ask my H he would tell you otherwise but won't be able to give you any reason to why he thinks that. I just am. Every fight, every battle, every time he threatens to leave me it is over some false accusations he has just come up with and has no basis ever in reality. this last time, he's accusing me of making a "date" (yeah making a date when's he sitting on the couch next to me) with someone I work with. I did call a guy to go out riding. He's absolutely right I did all of that. But what he conveniently forgets when he tells people the story is that I was making plans to go out riding with a group of people and I was going to be on the back of a girls bike, not a guys. I had to call a guy because he has a device in his helmet and can still take phone calls, so I called him to come BACK and pick me up. By the time she would of been able to call me back or respond to my text they would of been too far away, he was raging so I was trying to leave ASAP. They had just dropped me off and the girl I rode with came inside my house and met the devil I'm married too. (So embarrassed when she asked me if there was anything wrong with him at work the next week, he just sat there with an angry I hate the world look and of course didn't get up to go actually meet her) . She was only driving me home because he took my car to work so of course there was no appreciation to her for taking me home and allowing him to still be able to work for the day.  But he actually met her, but never tells anyone the whole truth.

I haven't said anything to him and he hasn't said anything to me which I'm actually fine with. July 1, I'm out if he wants to continue living like this. He knows I won't stay when I feel I'm not wanted and has said to me word for word "why are you still  here when you know your not wanted". That was my breaking point when I left him the one time I did. So I think now he's trying to force me out so he can say that I lefted him and he can play the victim again.  The role he is so good at playing. That's why he won't leave his family like the deadbeat he really is, he wouldn't be able to put himself in that role. He wants to force me out, take the dog with me and then he gets to play the victim to our neighbors/landlords and our friends and his family. My family knows he's crazy. His mom has BPD tendencies if she's not full blown BPD and I'll admit I blame her for a lot for why my H is the way he is. Yeah I know she's has a disorder and whatnot and I shouldn't blame her for something she can't help. But I do. If she would of been a better mother my H may not be the way he is. I play nice with her since she's been back in his life, but I don't really have a relationship with her and I can give a flying f what she thinks. I've told her before she can't tell me anything about how to make a marriage work because she's had 5 failed ones and I come from a whole family where no one has gotten divorced. There is not one person in my family tree who's has gotten divorced. That's my other problem, I will be the first and probably only one for a very long time if I do. She of course tried telling me everything I was doing wrong during a fight with my H one time and I did kind of disrespect her, telling off my elders is not something I do normally, but i had had enuff for the day. I was at her house to get away and was getting it there too. So I went off. She really had no right to tell me what's right or what's wrong in a marriage and I'm big for you get respect when you give respect & I didn't feel like I was getting it so I blew my gasket.

[OutOfEgypt]

Divorce sucks, and it has a stigma, too.  I came from a part of the country where the culture is very traditional and family oriented.  :)ivorce is like a shameful thing.  But you know what?  It isn't, especially in this situation.  There is only so much one can do.  And then you have a make a very difficult decision to survive.  We are survivors.

Besides, if you feel too terrible jumping into divorce at this point, nobody says you have to.  You can just leave.  Worry about divorce after you see what transpires after.  But judging from mine and others' experiences with BPD, you may want to divorce just to legally protect yourself once you move out.  I'm sure he won't take it lightly once he realizes you are serious.

I'm sorry.