We're getting there...

[HoldingAHurricane]

dBPDh and I have been together 4 1/2 years. In the beginning it was a long distance romance and although I liked to say that many signs of the BPD were muted by the distance (and so absolving myself of my role), they were nevertheless there. Looking back, I was as much a bundle of mis-molded clay as he. Had I not been, we never would have come together. A healthy person would have let him move along while I hung onto him despite the terrible things that happened.

At first, he thought he was a sex addict. Then we realised he had ADHD, and then Generalised Anxiety Disorder. His initial treatment for sex addiction was more preparation for the really great therapy he has now. Treatment and medication for the other disorders made it possible to engage in therapy. 18 months ago he found an amazing therapist who has helped him create a safe environment to begin healing. He has been working hard since then. Weekly therapy for a lot of that time and now he goes monthly.

Of course, all the time, I knew my only problem was his unwellness. I've been in therapy for 3 years, on and off, with a magnificent therapist who supported me so patiently and gently as the denial lifted and I realised my issues ran just as deep as his. Our backgrounds of childhood abuse, our sensitivities to rejection, abandonment, judgment, and defensiveness not so different.

We have been in peace with each other for 3 months now. One argument, which moderately escalated because I didn't manage myself well while he remained calm and several tiny, momentary tiffs. It's the longest period of peace either of us have experienced together. It's strange.

We adopted a dog, who he jokes might have BPD, since he is a rescued dog and does naughty, anxiety things when we leave him and growls to show he wants to play .

Today, life is good and I'm just trying the live in the moment so I can enjoy it and not worry about what might happen next.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[InSearchofMe]

Thanks for sharing the progress you are both making.  We are just in the early months of his getting effective treatment and my learning what my part in all of this is.  Hearing others share about their progress is very encouraging for me.

[formflier]

dBPDh and I have been together 4 1/2 years. In the beginning it was a long distance romance and although I liked to say that many signs of the BPD were muted by the distance (and so absolving myself of my role), they were nevertheless there. Looking back, I was as much a bundle of mis-molded clay as he. Had I not been, we never would have come together. 

You have had some powerful self-awareness... .

I've been looking at "my part" in the r/s issues with my uBPDw.  Sometimes that is not fun to do... . especially when pwBPD give you so many things that you can "blame". 

I'm hopful for the future... . and I'm encouraged by your story.

Please keep sharing... . and congratulations on seeing some payoff for all the hard work you have put into T.

[waverider]

Sounds like a whole lot of Acceptance of the reality of the way you are prevents a lot of the conflict, as the need to deny and blame shift is reduced. Hence defensiveness is relaxed.

Occasional arguments and tiffs are healthy, as it shows you are not as afraid of them, and can pull in the escalations when it starts to happen. This is "normality". To totally avoid conflict as you are both scared of them getting out of control would be unhealthy.

[mace17]

It is good to hear a happy success story like this.  Sounds like self awareness and a good therapist really can make a difference.  Thank you for sharing.