Are you a Rescuer Personality?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I have read a large amount of stories from the members on the Leaving Board. It seems like we are all Rescuer personalities. Maybe I am wrong? I keep reading here and elsewhere that being a Rescuer personality is a negative thing or can be. Such as if you get some power rush by being in control of the one you are rescuing.

My reason for being a Rescuer is that I enjoy assisting people that need help and helping people in general also. I have done this many times in my life by volunteering. It is rewarding and makes me feel good helping someone and seeing them smile. I would say at least somewhat also another reason for being a Rescuer falls under the Latent Justice description. That doesn't match me exactly, it is really more joy I get out of it but still Latent Justice I would say plays a part or bonus.

*Latent Justice - Some of us, religiously or otherwise, view the universe as a place where all will be made equal in the end. Like some kind of emotional bank account, we pay in our efforts and sacrifices hoping and believing that some day, in this world or in the next, we will reap all that we have sewn, with interest.

I never knew my ex had BPD till after we split. I didn't know I was rescuing a disordered person. Up until I married her I didn't see any major problems.

Again it seems like we all are Rescuers here?

My question to members of the Leaving Board are:

1. Are you a Rescuer?

2. What are the reasons why you are a Rescuer?

3. Do you believe there is something wrong with being a Rescuer?

Peace,

AO

[AwakenedOne]

I have read a large amount of stories from the members on the Leaving Board. It seems like we are all Rescuer personalities. Maybe I am wrong? I keep reading here and elsewhere that being a Rescuer personality is a negative thing or can be. Such as if you get some power rush by being in control of the one you are rescuing.

My reason for being a Rescuer is that I enjoy assisting people that need help and helping people in general also. I have done this many times in my life by volunteering. It is rewarding and makes me feel good helping someone and seeing them smile. I would say at least somewhat also another reason for being a Rescuer falls under the Latent Justice description. That doesn't match me exactly, it is really more joy I get out of it but still Latent Justice I would say plays a part or bonus.

*Latent Justice - Some of us, religiously or otherwise, view the universe as a place where all will be made equal in the end. Like some kind of emotional bank account, we pay in our efforts and sacrifices hoping and believing that some day, in this world or in the next, we will reap all that we have sewn, with interest.

I never knew my ex had BPD till after we split. I didn't know I was rescuing a disordered person. Up until I married her I didn't see any major problems.

Again it seems like we all are Rescuers here?

My question to members of the Leaving Board are:

1. Are you a Rescuer?

2. What are the reasons why you are a Rescuer?

3. Do you believe there is something wrong with being a Rescuer?

Peace,

AO

[free-n-clear]

  Good thread, AO! 

My answers would be:

1 Yes.

2 A combination of factors. Eldest of 4 brothers, parents divorced when I was 12. We all stayed with Mum, dad moved 600km away - though maintained regular phone contact and we stayed with him during school holidays, etc. Also went through the Scouts, learned all that good citizenship stuff, so that might have something to do with it too.

3 Not in and of itself, but we need to be careful not to be taken advantage of.

[antjs]

i discussed this with my therapist. he told me if you are always in need to help people (non-romantic) without them asking for help (different than volunteering) then you are a rescuer in a bad way. he said "it is normal that you want to help someone that you love like what u did with your partner. but overdoing it while you cant see any change with her then you have a problem which is not your case. anyway, you learned your lesson that you cant save people."

Who does not want to help people that he loves ? yes we made a mistake that we thought that with love, kindness and patience we can make people change. we wrongly thought our partners are victims and all the people they have met are ___holes. we felt these partners need compassion and kindness. I dont think that we fell for our partners initially because they are broken, i think we fell because of their seductive charms and mirroring. it is like wow you are nearly perfect how could people do this to you before ? and the problem is that during the idealization phase you dont only hear sweet words you also see "loving" actions so you are like here it is she is doing for me so and so with all her heart maybe thats why her exs abused her. i have to compensate this for her i will give her all she deserves.

my therapist told me this "not all people who fall for BPD have something wrong. they might be just compassionate and kind. even nons who stay for long does not mean they must be co-dependent. sometimes they just cant face the pain of the break up and they stick with the familiar pain of the relationship."

[goldylamont]

i discussed this with my therapist. he told me if you are always in need to help people (non-romantic) without them asking for help (different than volunteering) then you are a rescuer in a bad way. he said "it is normal that you want to help someone that you love like what u did with your partner. but overdoing it while you cant see any change with her then you have a problem which is not your case. anyway, you learned your lesson that you cant save people."

Who does not want to help people that he loves ? yes we made a mistake that we thought that with love, kindness and patience we can make people change. we wrongly thought our partners are victims and all the people they have met are ___holes. we felt these partners need compassion and kindness. I dont think that we fell for our partners initially because they are broken, i think we fell because of their seductive charms and mirroring. it is like wow you are nearly perfect how could people do this to you before ? and the problem is that during the idealization phase you dont only hear sweet words you also see "loving" actions so you are like here it is she is doing for me so and so with all her heart maybe thats why her exs abused her. i have to compensate this for her i will give her all she deserves.

my therapist told me this "not all people who fall for BPD have something wrong. they might be just compassionate and kind. even nons who stay for long does not mean they must be co-dependent. sometimes they just cant face the pain of the break up and they stick with the familiar pain of the relationship."

thank you anthony_james, i appreciate the sentiment. while i have the utmost sympathy for people working with codepence and rescuer personalities, i don't think i suffer from either. wasn't present in r/s either before or after uxBPDgf.

while i feel that codependence/rescuing may be a predominant trait of many participants of this board, i think it's important to know that not all nons share these traits.

[Narellan]

Yes im a rescuer.

Im the oldest of 3 girls, and have a fairly outspoken often volatile mother. Growing up she swung between depression and spending lots of time in bed, and being overly social, the life of the party. She was verbally abusive,and most days i got a whack with the hairbrush, but in those days that was nothing unusual.

As a teenager i was involved heavily in church and youth group acivities, including feeding the homeless in the local park. I was a girl guide and getting badges was centred around "helping" others.

As a young adult i worked with homeless kids/teenagers who had suffered sexual and physical abuse from their families. I was a cottage parent/ foster parent for several years in my early 20's. I then went into disability services where im still currently working with teens and young adults with autism and cerebral palsy.

To further illustrate my "rescuer" personality, i still remember clearly during the summer a few months ago i was walking alone on the beach and this beautiful colorful butterfly i was admiring flew into a wave and fluttered about helplessly. I picked it up and held it for an hour until its wings dried off and it flew away. I was jubilant. it made my day.

I was married for 23 years to a man with depression, and later diagnosed bipolar. I left him 2 years ago and still have feelings of failure about that relationship, but i was physically no longer able to cope with attention seeking suicidal attempts and daily verbal abuse directed at me.

I am the friend who makes the casseroles for my sick friends. I take a friend regularly to chemotherapy. I stand up for people unable to stand up for themselves.

And then there was my recent BPD relationship. I felt like he rescued me. He cared for me, initiated everything, made decisions, took the lead. For the first time ever i felt looked after. But as i started to see flaws i became totally engrossed in rescuing him.

Do i see a problem with being a rescuer? No. I dont really understand why everyone isnt.Its what makes the world go round. Im kind, and want to help others. I like who i am, and i have many friends. Apart from my abusive ex husband, I have never heard a bad word spoken about me.(not really even from BPD ex. The worst he could come up with was im an alcoholic ) I dont want to change this part of me, but i want to learn to prioritise and put myself first when needed.

This is what i didnt do with my BPD relationship and im paying the price now.

[BorisAcusio]

Do i see a problem with being a rescuer? No. I dont really understand why everyone isnt.Its what makes the world go round. Im kind, and want to help others. I like who i am, and i have many friends. Apart from my abusive ex husband, I have never heard a bad word spoken about me.(not really even from BPD ex. The worst he could come up with was im an alcoholic ) I dont want to change this part of me, but i want to learn to prioritise and put myself first when needed.

This is what i didnt do with my BPD relationship and im paying the price now.

While I agree with you in general, when it comes to PDs, rescuing them becomes a burden for both parties involved. The road to hell is paved with good intentions, they can only get away with the mess they created without facing their problems because there is always a white knight/fairy out there, trying to rescue them.

[going places]

Again it seems like we all are Rescuers here?

My question to members of the Leaving Board are:

1. Are you a Rescuer?  Yep

2. What are the reasons why you are a Rescuer? At first glance it appears innocent and kind enough. Take in the underdog, the down trodden, the... . ______. It looks very 'christian'.

However, upon deeper examination, what I received from that was accolades for being a good person. Someone 'noticing' me. It gave me the feeling that I could do good, help, etc... .

I have gone from 'rescuer' to 'pointer'.

I will help point someone in the right direction, but I am not rescuing anymore.

3. Do you believe there is something wrong with being a Rescuer?

For me personally?

It was a control issue.

It's not that I woke up in the morning and said "HEY let's be a control freak to get attention'... . but it really boiled down to that.

I just wanted to be noticed. Wanted people to know that there is good stuff in me.

That all stems from a very negative childhood.

A very negative marriage where I was ignored... . a lot.

Give a man a fish, you will have to feed him daily.

Teach a man to fish, and he will feed himself.

There is so much truth in that, and it seems that 'emotional vampires' can sniff out 'rescuers' like a blood hound! SO this chick is taking herself OFF the menu!

[crookedeuphoria]

1. Yes. I am a rescuer.

2. I am an empath. I can feel what others feel. People, but mostly animals. Because of this, I am vegetarian, I foster dogs and I volunteer at a cat rescue. I do it because I think people are basically good. I believe all of the world's problems can be solved with love. And yoga  

3. I believe there is something wrong with it when you start trying to do the work for other people rather than just being their cheerleader and support person while they do the work for themselves.

[talithacumi]

Yes, I WAS a rescuer.

I WAS a rescuer/fixer/caretaker because I was taught/trained to believe from a very early age by my uNPD/BPD rager of a mom that my only chance of ever being loved/liked/tolerated by others was to be helpful/useful to them. That became the way I saw, felt about, and projected myself to others ... . what attracted/made me attractive to others ... . how I responded, reacted to, and interacted with others ... . how I defined/measured myself and my relationships in general.

I do NOT think being a rescuer for THAT reason is a good thing. I think it was a fundamentally compensatory compulsion that drove me to seek validation/acceptance from others on the basis of both how useful (superior) I was to them, as well as how needy (inferior) I at least perceived them to be. It was a convoluted way of getting my own emotional needs met that rarely, if ever, actually worked on any kind of long-term stable basis.

I DO think that I developed a lot of really impressive, important, and valuable skills along the way in order to be as useful to as many people under as many different circumstances as I possibly could - and am IMMENSELY grateful for that aspect of it - primarily because, on the basis of that skill set, I've been able to start to see myself for the intelligent, creative, insightful, resourceful, knowledgeable, reliable, responsible, accomplished, respectable, admirable, likeable, and imminently LOVEABLE person I've actually DEMONSTRATED myself to be over and over and over again throughout the ENTIRE course of my life - thus REWRITING the programming that defined me as a rescuer/fixer/caretaker in the first place.

I still take an ENORMOUS amount of personal satisfaction out of fixing things - but it's THINGS I fix now - clothes, furniture, cars, houses, etc. - not PEOPLE. Because one of the biggest things I've learned is that people, unlike things, can and are generally quite good at fixing themselves - even if I don't understand, agree with, or like the way they're trying to do that. And giving people this kind of credit, I've found, makes ALL of my relationships better - including the one I have with myself.

- Talitha (not a rescuer anymore) Cumi

[corraline]

1. Are you a Rescuer? 

I can be at times




2. What are the reasons why you are a Rescuer?

I believe at a certain point in my childhood development I had decided that things that were going wrong with my family must have been because of me.  I felt responsible for those around me .  It may be because i was in a stage of magical thinking in my childhood and i could not see my parents or others as responsible.


3. Do you believe there is something wrong with being a Rescuer?

Yes and No.  If i think that i am responsible for others behavior and need to fix them then i am in their business and not focusing on myself.  I am learning how to see and respond differently to others.  How can i take care of myself and be of help to others that may need me. Working on that.

[cosmonaut]

1) Are you a Rescuer?  To the nth degree.

2) What are the reasons why you are a Rescuer?  I think some of it is just my nature.  It's part of who I am.  I do know that I have some FOO issues, and I often felt invisible as a child.  My mother was/is an uNPD, and she also could suffer from debilitating depressions - the kind where she would shut herself up in bed for days at a time.  That was very confusing and distressing to me as a child, and I think it instilled a deep need to "fix" things.  This is probably a schema that I keep repeating over and over as an adult - trying to fix that original wound.  I also think that I am just a natural rescuer.  I like giving to others, and I take some sort of fulfillment in that.  I think looking at it as a need to dominate those in need is an incredibly cynical view, and one I disagree with.  I think I sincerely want to lift others up, rather than hold them down.

3) Do you believe there is something wrong with being a Rescuer?  In general, no.  It is certainly not a sin to want to help others.  I believe with all of my heart that I have a Christian obligation to care for others.  I do think that I can be giving to a fault, however.  I'll give to the point where I am destroying myself, which is profoundly unhealthy.  It can be an act of self-destruction.  In that case, yes, there is something wrong.  That is something that I have to work on.

[AwakenedOne]

Who does not want to help people that he loves ? yes we made a mistake that we thought that with love, kindness and patience we can make people change. we wrongly thought our partners are victims and all the people they have met are ___holes. we felt these partners need compassion and kindness. I dont think that we fell for our partners initially because they are broken, i think we fell because of their seductive charms and mirroring. it is like wow you are nearly perfect how could people do this to you before ? and the problem is that during the idealization phase you dont only hear sweet words you also see "loving" actions so you are like here it is she is doing for me so and so with all her heart maybe thats why her exs abused her. i have to compensate this for her i will give her all she deserves.

This is exactly how I felt and the way I viewed things at the time.

[AwakenedOne]

we wrongly thought our partners are victims and all the people they have met are ___holes.  

it is like wow you are nearly perfect how could people do this to you before ?

her exs abused her.

It's quite ironic how it turns out that in reality they are the abuser. It's almost funny how the stories we are told about their abusive ex's are nothing but lies and / or delusions. Probably their ex's are good people. We are now classified as their latest abusive ex.

[antjs]

we wrongly thought our partners are victims and all the people they have met are ___holes.  

it is like wow you are nearly perfect how could people do this to you before ?

her exs abused her.

It's quite ironic how it turns out that in reality they are the abuser. It's almost funny how the stories we are told about their abusive ex's are nothing but lies and / or delusions. Probably their ex's are good people. We are now classified as their latest abusive ex.

according to my therapist, BPDs do not deliberately lie to hurt you. psychopaths do. he said that the delusions and perception of events is so distorted that they really deep inside view it as they say it. and this is even not constant. it is according to the mood. and every time (mood) the perception is different

[AwakenedOne]

we wrongly thought our partners are victims and all the people they have met are ___holes.  

it is like wow you are nearly perfect how could people do this to you before ?

her exs abused her.

It's quite ironic how it turns out that in reality they are the abuser. It's almost funny how the stories we are told about their abusive ex's are nothing but lies and / or delusions. Probably their ex's are good people. We are now classified as their latest abusive ex.

according to my therapist, BPDs do not deliberately lie to hurt you. psychopaths do. he said that the delusions and perception of events is so distorted that they really deep inside view it as they say it. and this is even not constant. it is according to the mood. and every time (mood) the perception is different

My ex told two types of lies:

1. Selfish lies that benefitted her. She admitted shes selfish and a manipulator. She would admit them, laugh and say "So I lied get over it"

2. Distorted reality lies. An example of this would be: Her telling her mom I am the Devil because I did something that I really didn't do. So her distorted reality view would cause her to tell a lie but she would believe it to be true as you mentioned.

I don't believe any of the lies were told to hurt me.

Although she smeared my name during and after the breakup, that was.

[BorisAcusio]

we wrongly thought our partners are victims and all the people they have met are ___holes.  

it is like wow you are nearly perfect how could people do this to you before ?

her exs abused her.

It's quite ironic how it turns out that in reality they are the abuser. It's almost funny how the stories we are told about their abusive ex's are nothing but lies and / or delusions. Probably their ex's are good people. We are now classified as their latest abusive ex.

according to my therapist, BPDs do not deliberately lie to hurt you. psychopaths do. he said that the delusions and perception of events is so distorted that they really deep inside view it as they say it. and this is even not constant. it is according to the mood. and every time (mood) the perception is different

It stems from splitting as a mode of organizing experience. For pwBPD, each event exists in

itself, but not for a self existing over time or in relation to anything but itself. The past is constantly changing; each new event radically changes all previous ones. The present is immediately projected onto all previous experience thus nihilating the past. The past becomes merely a fluid extension of the present. When the borderline patient becomes angry at the therapist, all the previous experiences viewed as a deception on the part of the therapist.

That is running at basic level. At same time, their reality testing is intact, except a few brief dysorganized episode. They mostly lie in order to get what they need at the expense of others, avoiding persecution. If I had have to summarize what BPD is in a sentence, that would be it.

[AwakenedOne]

The present is immediately projected onto all previous experience thus nihilating the past.

My ex and I had so many good times and I could see that she really cared.

Due to something I did to her or she perceived that I did must of caused her to rewrite the past and erase or distort the good things and good times and special moments and her view of me. Those times were probably changed in her mind into something like this -> "Those times and special moments were a lie because he is bad and out to get me and he will leave me one day for another girl"

[arjay]

My question to members of the Leaving Board are:

1. Are you a Rescuer?

2. What are the reasons why you are a Rescuer?

3. Do you believe there is something wrong with being a Rescuer?

1. I "was" a rescuer in part.

2.  I "thought" I could help and felt I often "knew" how to help

3.  Being a rescuer is different than simply enjoying helping others.  Psychology Today defines a rescuer as "needing to help someone almost more than the person needing to be rescued".  This "need" is often rooted in self-esteem issues and has an almost unconscious expectation or "payoff" of being appreciated and admired.  It is often a selfish thing because we expect something in return, and when we don't receive it, often we feel unappreciated.   Like martyrs, rescuers often sacrifice their own goals and hopes for the sake of the other person.

Rescuers can actually do a great disservice by not letting those we perceive as needing rescuing, the opportunity to be responsible themselves.  It is a problem when we enable.  It is a problem when we are exasperated because we cannot "fix" someone.  Rescuers simply need to understand their motivation.  

Giving to charity and other volunteer organizations can be a noble thing to do.  Rescuing others that need to take responsibilities for themselves is not.  The true "rescuer" is better served by dealing with their own self-esteem issues.

Peace

[AwakenedOne]

3.  Being a rescuer is different than simply enjoying helping others.  Psychology Today defines a rescuer as "needing to help someone almost more than the person needing to be rescued".  This "need" is often rooted in self-esteem issues and has an almost unconscious expectation or "payoff" of being appreciated and admired.  It is often a selfish thing because we expect something in return, and when we don't receive it, often we feel unappreciated.   Like martyrs, rescuers often sacrifice their own goals and hopes for the sake of the other person.

Ok, going by this definition then I am not a Rescuer. As I had thought previously, I am just a good person who cares about others and I got suckered into my wife's web of lies and delusions and then was left trying to honor my marriage vows with all my heart. I never sacrificed my own goals and hopes either.

[3 children]

Very new to this,  but here goes.   Working with my therapist he describes me as having an amiable personality, which fits this topic.   Honestly I've often wondered if part of the purpose of my life is to "rescue" my wife.  After a lot of research it's interesting to me that people with personalities like this fit the Bpd cycle perfectly.   Sucks, makes me sad, I don't think I necessarily want to rescue.  (Will have to explore that more)  I just want to sit around the fire, hold hands, and sing kumbaya.

[Notsurewhattothinkofthis]

I know I have a rescuer personality for sure. I always help when someone is in need, whatever the case may be. I feel good when I help someone when in trouble. sometimes I think I go out of my way to help others really.

[Red Sky]

I'm not sure. I have never tried to rescue someone because I have a pathological NEED to be in that position. I have tried to rescue someone on the basis that I saw potential for a great person and a great relationship IF THE PROBLEMS COULD BE FIXED. But fundamentally that is a selfish urge. The urge wasn't to get admiration for what I was doing: the desire to fix him was about 50% love for him, no matter whether he was in my life or not, and 50% wanting to be with the guy I thought he'd be if he could overcome his issues.

I think the tenacity came from the feeling that the 'issues' (what I now recognize as a PD) MADE him do the bad things, and his 'real personality' was good.

[Narellan]

3 children, that's a lovely vision. I'd like to sit by that campfire 

That sounds like a " peacemaker" to me. I'm one of those also.