I lost it

[Depression = 72% of members]

I have posted a couple of times about my H here.  I don't actually think he is BPD like our DD29, but he has serious problems.  The short version is that H of nearly 32 years is negative to the extreme, never NEVER wrong, extremely critical of everyone but me in particular,  never satisfied, miserable to be around, ignores me much of the time, and has TONS of anger.  I could go on forever with examples. 

Yesterday, I lost it--basically because of two incidents.  First, we Skyped with our son in China before we left for church.  I had posted on son's FB a really good picture of son and H taken at S's university.  My H was actually smiling (sort of) in picture and son was laughing about something.  Our son made a comment about the picture being made in 2008 (which it was) when  H steps in and says no, the picture was taken several years later on the day we were dropping him off after Thanksgiving and he locked the keys in our car. 

This blew my mind.  How could my husband think I took a picture of them together, smiling and joking around, after the keys-locked-in-the car incident?  Really?  Because here's what happened that day:  We drive up to S's apartment and immediately lock the keys in the car, H is instantly furious and and getting madder by the minute, I go inside S's apartment to get away from his fury, and S comes in later to wait with me for locksmith because he can't stand being outside with his dad acting like a complete jerk.  After the locksmith came, H was so angry he would not speak to me for the 2-hour drive home.  But my H insisted that photo was taken when he said it was taken. 

Second,  he embarrassed me at church when he wanted to leave right away after services so we could meet DD, her huband, and in-laws for lunch.  He gestured in an aggravated way for me to hurry up and go, but it was the look on his face that did it.  It's the same angry, furious look I'm used to, but I'm not accustomed to getting that look at church.  I know at least a couple of the people around me saw it too, and I was humiliated. 

It has been at least four years since I have even tried to deal with our marriage issues, but yesterday I lost it. After our meal with family and on the way back home in the car, I let loose with all the pent up frustrations I have over my situation.   He was completely and genuinely shocked and in disbelief that I was upset over the incident at church.  He had no idea what I was talking about, said he did nothing wrong, and that he was not angry and did not act like he was.  He said I was "looking for something" to get upset about. 

Then I brought up the comment about the photo and reminded him of how awful he had acted that day of the keys incident and how he had embarrassed me and his son, too.  No comment.  I just continued on with my grievances all the way home.  I told him I "couldn't do this anymore" and he immediately replied "me either."  We went in the house and H slammed a few doors (he does this a lot) and nothing else was said until last night when we talked some more.

I am still in shock today at how our conversation went last night.  I started by asking him to tell me what he needed from me and what he saw as the problem.  He refused and said I should tell him first because I obviously thought he was the problem.  So I began by apologizing for never responding to a letter he wrote me almost four years ago.  I had gotten so fed up around that time (same issues) and unloaded on him.  He said NOTHING.  Maybe a week later, I find a very, very long letter (maybe 10 pages?) from him on the steering wheel of my car at work.  The letter made it very clear that he was not at fault, that it was mostly my problem.  I wrote H a letter in response but never gave it to him because I realized then we were on different planets.  I explained all this to him and said I was wrong for not responding to his letter. 

Well, guess what?  He didn't even know what I was talking about.  He has no memory of any argument followed by any letter from him that was put on my steering wheel at work.  I find that completely unbelievable.  My husband is a very slow thinker, takes forever to respond to anything I say to him (if he does at all) and he is the slowest typist I have ever seen.  There is no way that he didn't spend DAYS crafting that letter and typing it and driving to my work to leave it in my car. 

He also doesn't remember a ton of other stuff I brought up, even really big things from just a year ago.  The bottom line is that he has absolutely no clue what I am talking about, does not think that he has done anything wrong, and feels our only problem (or the only he would talk about) is that I "criticize his every move."  That perfectly describes the way he treats me.  However,  I admitted that I was too critical of him and that maybe I did that because he was so critical of me and so negative.  He claims he is not critical of me.  That is an insane comment.  I do not do anything right in his eyes.  EVER.   

This all ended with him patronizing me and saying he would try to do better.  He just wanted me to shut up so he could walk away which he finally did.  He does not even come remotely close to recogizing any of his behavior that I can no longer tolerate.  Either it didn't happen, it was my fault, or he just says, "I don't remember." 

Sorry this is so long.  I don't know what to think. 

[Verbena]

I have posted a couple of times about my H here.  I don't actually think he is BPD like our DD29, but he has serious problems.  The short version is that H of nearly 32 years is negative to the extreme, never NEVER wrong, extremely critical of everyone but me in particular,  never satisfied, miserable to be around, ignores me much of the time, and has TONS of anger.  I could go on forever with examples. 

Yesterday, I lost it--basically because of two incidents.  First, we Skyped with our son in China before we left for church.  I had posted on son's FB a really good picture of son and H taken at S's university.  My H was actually smiling (sort of) in picture and son was laughing about something.  Our son made a comment about the picture being made in 2008 (which it was) when  H steps in and says no, the picture was taken several years later on the day we were dropping him off after Thanksgiving and he locked the keys in our car. 

This blew my mind.  How could my husband think I took a picture of them together, smiling and joking around, after the keys-locked-in-the car incident?  Really?  Because here's what happened that day:  We drive up to S's apartment and immediately lock the keys in the car, H is instantly furious and and getting madder by the minute, I go inside S's apartment to get away from his fury, and S comes in later to wait with me for locksmith because he can't stand being outside with his dad acting like a complete jerk.  After the locksmith came, H was so angry he would not speak to me for the 2-hour drive home.  But my H insisted that photo was taken when he said it was taken. 

Second,  he embarrassed me at church when he wanted to leave right away after services so we could meet DD, her huband, and in-laws for lunch.  He gestured in an aggravated way for me to hurry up and go, but it was the look on his face that did it.  It's the same angry, furious look I'm used to, but I'm not accustomed to getting that look at church.  I know at least a couple of the people around me saw it too, and I was humiliated. 

It has been at least four years since I have even tried to deal with our marriage issues, but yesterday I lost it. After our meal with family and on the way back home in the car, I let loose with all the pent up frustrations I have over my situation.   He was completely and genuinely shocked and in disbelief that I was upset over the incident at church.  He had no idea what I was talking about, said he did nothing wrong, and that he was not angry and did not act like he was.  He said I was "looking for something" to get upset about. 

Then I brought up the comment about the photo and reminded him of how awful he had acted that day of the keys incident and how he had embarrassed me and his son, too.  No comment.  I just continued on with my grievances all the way home.  I told him I "couldn't do this anymore" and he immediately replied "me either."  We went in the house and H slammed a few doors (he does this a lot) and nothing else was said until last night when we talked some more.

I am still in shock today at how our conversation went last night.  I started by asking him to tell me what he needed from me and what he saw as the problem.  He refused and said I should tell him first because I obviously thought he was the problem.  So I began by apologizing for never responding to a letter he wrote me almost four years ago.  I had gotten so fed up around that time (same issues) and unloaded on him.  He said NOTHING.  Maybe a week later, I find a very, very long letter (maybe 10 pages?) from him on the steering wheel of my car at work.  The letter made it very clear that he was not at fault, that it was mostly my problem.  I wrote H a letter in response but never gave it to him because I realized then we were on different planets.  I explained all this to him and said I was wrong for not responding to his letter. 

Well, guess what?  He didn't even know what I was talking about.  He has no memory of any argument followed by any letter from him that was put on my steering wheel at work.  I find that completely unbelievable.  My husband is a very slow thinker, takes forever to respond to anything I say to him (if he does at all) and he is the slowest typist I have ever seen.  There is no way that he didn't spend DAYS crafting that letter and typing it and driving to my work to leave it in my car. 

He also doesn't remember a ton of other stuff I brought up, even really big things from just a year ago.  The bottom line is that he has absolutely no clue what I am talking about, does not think that he has done anything wrong, and feels our only problem (or the only he would talk about) is that I "criticize his every move."  That perfectly describes the way he treats me.  However,  I admitted that I was too critical of him and that maybe I did that because he was so critical of me and so negative.  He claims he is not critical of me.  That is an insane comment.  I do not do anything right in his eyes.  EVER.   

This all ended with him patronizing me and saying he would try to do better.  He just wanted me to shut up so he could walk away which he finally did.  He does not even come remotely close to recogizing any of his behavior that I can no longer tolerate.  Either it didn't happen, it was my fault, or he just says, "I don't remember." 

Sorry this is so long.  I don't know what to think. 

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[Cat21]

Hi Verbena,

I'm pretty new to this whole thing myself, although my uBPDh has shown traits and signs of BPD for as long as I've known him, which is 10 years. I think for we nons with undiagnosed people, it's hard to know if it's really BPD because there is no formal diagnosis and probably no desire to get one (at least, in my H's case.) Like you, I have lost it on many occasions as well. I've tried explaining past events/things that H has said and he, like yours, has no recollection of it. I think that's pretty common with BPD- loss of time and inability to remember certain actions.

I know it's insanely hard to handle bad behavior, especially in public!. Have you tried setting and enforcing a boundary for that? Just last week, my H and I were out to dinner and he was clearly feeling invalidated (I now know why, but at the time I didn't have a clue), and was trying to goad me into an argument SO hard that people were starting to look at us. As calmly as I could, I said, "You seem upset about something. I'm not interested in arguing with you right now, so if you feel you can't enjoy this meal without arguing, I'll leave." He stopped, but continued making snide remarks, all of which I didn't acknowledge. I don't know if that was right or wrong, but one of my boundaries is that I will not feel challenged in a public place and if I do, I have absolutely no qualms about getting up and leaving, even if it's just to go to the bathroom for 10 minutes or so.

I'm sorry for your situation- I think all of the posters on here can relate to some extent!

[mace17]

Hi Verbena, I can totally relate to your situation too.  My H has never been diagnosed with anything(doesn't believe in counselors) but he does many of the same things.  The day before our son's birthday he completely blew up at me and was angry and sarcastic all day and the next day too, but the 3rd day when I mentioned something about it he said he had no idea what I was talking about and was never mad at me.  It was something so small too, our son's actual birthday was on a Monday, so I planned a fun day for him the day before on a Sunday... . took him to his favorite pizza place and then bowling. I knew H had bought him a video game for his B-day, so in the morning I asked H if he was going to give S the game that day or the next day on his actual birthday.  The only reason I asked was because I was going to offer to wrap it for him since I know he hates wrapping presents.  H just blew up, saying I ruin all our son's special days by celebrating them when its not the actual day.  I pointed out that his birthday was on a Monday when we had work and school and other activities going on, and he then called me f***ing crazy and started slamming doors.  Refused to talk to me the rest of the day except for yelling at me a couple more time.  I was truly puzzled, but when it blew over finally he had no idea what I was talking about and acted like I was crazy for thinking he had been upset. 

So I understand where you are coming from, its very frustrating and I don't have any answers but you are not alone!

[Verbena]

cat21,

Your boundary about public places is a good one.  I recently set a boundary with my H concerning his yelling and slamming doors when he is disturbed by sounds in the house while he is trying to sleep.  He has respected that boundary for the most part.  

mace17,

Although my husband never cusses at me, I do think we are in the same boat otherwise.  Your example concerning the birthday present is just as insane as many I could relate here.  How could your husband possibly not remember what he did?  That makes no sense any more than my husband's not remembering makes any sense.  I am sorry, but I think it's awfully convenient to just say, "I don't remember."  It excuses them from any wrong doing.  

I have never in 32 years brought up the word divorce, but I did the other night when we talked.  When I asked him if he had ever entertained the idea that we could end up divorced, he said no.  But maybe he has and he just doesn't remember?  

Anyway, I think he knows how I feel and that I don't intend to put up with it anymore because yesterday for the first time in a very long time he acted completely pleasant. This tells me IT IS A CHOICE to act the way he does.  Yesterday, he chose to act differently.  We'll see how it goes.  

If you could have videotaped your husband's behavior, do you think he would then deny it?  I have many, many times wished I could do that and then just play it for my husband. 

[JohnLove]

  "If you could have videotaped your husband's behavior, do you think he would then deny it?  I have many, many times wished I could do that and then just play it for my husband." 


Many times I have thought of this... . would it actually be helpful?... . or would it be like an unstoppable force meeting an immovable object?.

[Verbena]

 "If you could have videotaped your husband's behavior, do you think he would then deny it?  I have many, many times wished I could do that and then just play it for my husband."  


Many times I have thought of this... . would it actually be helpful?... . or would it be like an unstoppable force meeting an immovable object?.

If a child bullies someone on the school bus and the on-board cameras show what happened, he is held accountable.  "I don't remember" doesn't cut it.  If someone robs a store and the surveillance cameras show what happened, the thief can tell the judge all day long, "Well, I don't really remember that" but he will still be charged.  I think it's a bunch of nonsense that pwBPD (and I don't even think my husband has it although he does have problems) can just conveniently "forget" how horrible they acted and deny basic facts because it's easier to do so.  It's easier for them to put the blame back on us and say we were just "looking for something to be upset about."  I'm not buying it.  

As far as the "unstoppable force and immovable object"... . in my case it's time for my husband to see and understand how he acts.  I have dealt with this for over 30 years and I'm not anymore.