Do pwBPD pretend to be something they are not?

[BlondeRunner]

My pwBPD maintained that he was a lot of things that he has since proved to be the opposite of.

For example, he would go on about the importance of honesty in relationships "if you don't have honesty you don't have anything"... . only for me to gradually find out he had spun me lie after lie. He would talk about communication being paramount, almost to the point that he came across as some kind of relationship/ communication guru... . yet I am now into my third week of abrupt silent treatment from him.

My question is do pwBPD actively try and pretend that they are the things they are so clearly not? Is it because they want to be these things and know they are not?

[jdtm]

I

s it because they want to be these things and know they are not?

This is my vote - but, only one opinion (not researched-based).

[arjay]

If you read up on BPD disorder, "identity issue" is part of the struggle.  It seems they really don't have a stable sense of self-identity.  My dBPDxw would seem to "parrot things" meaning things she heard would suddenly become "her".  This would all change over time however.

Hope this helps.

[BlondeRunner]

Hi jdtm,

Yes, that is my opinion too. To me it felt that my dbPDexbf so badly wanted to be honest and communicative and all of the things necessary for a successful relationship but he just knew that he wasn't and was trying to overly fake it, if you know what I mean.

Thanks arjay,

Yes, I was always aware of his unstable sense of identity - it's just been very striking to me how he latched onto those things as if he were a beacon of them all only to find out that he certainly was not!

[foiles]

In my case, my exBPDbf was extremely religious. He grew up in a very harsh and abusive, yet religious family. He would take various passages to show me how I should be- 'submissive' and 'respect' him. And he would choose others to justify his behavior- such as having 'rightgeous anger'. So in my view, he 'pretended' to be a religious person since he could skew it with how he wanted the world to be, but in reality he was abusive, unforgiving, and sex-addicted. on the other hand, he would rage at others about the very things he, himself, was. It's a big mind muck.

[Darko]

We don't usually consciously pretend to be something we're not, what happens is this:

1. A lot of uncontrollable emotion means a lot of empathy, which makes us adopt other people's emotions like one catches a cold.

So imagine for example a young BPD girl who meets a person for the first time and she becomes interested in them. The person believes is a huge activist concerned with animal rights. The person tells her all about it. The person is enthusiastic about the issue, tells her about how much abandoned dogs suffer, how it breaks their heart that they should be put through such horrible treatment.

The girl listens, fascinated, and is inflamed with the absolute NEED to protect these poor little creatures, wants to cry for them, wants to save them, and wants to become an activist just like the person they've just met.

The girl then goes home, goes to sleep, and the morning after she probably is shocked at how she doesn't feel as strongly today about animal rights as she felt yesterday. She actually isn't really interested in being an activist at all, any more.

That is, until the next time they meet the activist person. Then it all comes back again.

2. We want to be liked. We absolutely want to be liked by everyone always.

So basically, we are chameleons like psychopaths, but not for the same reasons. Psychopaths consciously mimic those around them in order to fit in and be left alone; it's camouflage. BPDs unconsciously adopt the likes, dislikes, feelings and ideas of those around them because our heads are constantly filled with noise, but the noise doesn't ever get ordered into actual sound like it happens in other people's heads.

So, if I meet someone who says "honesty is the most important thing in a relationship", chances are I am genuinely going to feel and believe honesty is the most important thing in a relationship, and I'll defend its value with all my might; but once I spend a few hours away from that person and my emotions shift, I'll take a look back at the time where I thought honesty was the most important thing in a relationship and feel like the person who thought that was a completely different person. I'll feel like my body was momentarily taken over by another entity. Until I meet the person again, probably.

[ColdEthyl]

Yes and no. It's because often times ion the inside, they feel useless and terrible about themselves, so they try to paint themselves in a light that they think will make people like them. And, since they usually are quite manipulative, they are able to do so.

My husband is incredibly intelligent. He is witty, funny, and downright awesome. But, what he sees is a pile of refuse.

[ColdEthyl]

Darko,

I am so thankful to have you on this board, to communicate what it's like for you. I wish I could get my husband on here, but one hurdle at a time I suppose. :/

We don't usually consciously pretend to be something we're not, what happens is this:

1. A lot of uncontrollable emotion means a lot of empathy, which makes us adopt other people's emotions like one catches a cold.

So imagine for example a young BPD girl who meets a person for the first time and she becomes interested in them. The person believes is a huge activist concerned with animal rights. The person tells her all about it. The person is enthusiastic about the issue, tells her about how much abandoned dogs suffer, how it breaks their heart that they should be put through such horrible treatment.

The girl listens, fascinated, and is inflamed with the absolute NEED to protect these poor little creatures, wants to cry for them, wants to save them, and wants to become an activist just like the person they've just met.

The girl then goes home, goes to sleep, and the morning after she probably is shocked at how she doesn't feel as strongly today about animal rights as she felt yesterday. She actually isn't really interested in being an activist at all, any more.

That is, until the next time they meet the activist person. Then it all comes back again.

2. We want to be liked. We absolutely want to be liked by everyone always.

So basically, we are chameleons like psychopaths, but not for the same reasons. Psychopaths consciously mimic those around them in order to fit in and be left alone; it's camouflage. BPDs unconsciously adopt the likes, dislikes, feelings and ideas of those around them because our heads are constantly filled with noise, but the noise doesn't ever get ordered into actual sound like it happens in other people's heads.

So, if I meet someone who says "honesty is the most important thing in a relationship", chances are I am genuinely going to feel and believe honesty is the most important thing in a relationship, and I'll defend its value with all my might; but once I spend a few hours away from that person and my emotions shift, I'll take a look back at the time where I thought honesty was the most important thing in a relationship and feel like the person who thought that was a completely different person. I'll feel like my body was momentarily taken over by another entity. Until I meet the person again, probably.