Back in that black hole..

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

A couple of my girlfriends came around today. They brought up the subject of my former best friend and how much she's missing me. They then said my exBPD just posted a photo of her on FB. I'm hurt by this info given he had deleted her from FB and so I assumed it was all off. Now it looks like he's still pursuing her. This after he came to my doorstep last week. Thank God I wasn't home. This new info has really opened all the wounds again. what the heck? Is going on in his head?

[Narellan]

A couple of my girlfriends came around today. They brought up the subject of my former best friend and how much she's missing me. They then said my exBPD just posted a photo of her on FB. I'm hurt by this info given he had deleted her from FB and so I assumed it was all off. Now it looks like he's still pursuing her. This after he came to my doorstep last week. Thank God I wasn't home. This new info has really opened all the wounds again. what the heck? Is going on in his head?

[Blimblam]

F*** THAT!

I am sorry you have been betrayed on that level. I can only imagine what a nightmare that must be.

[Narellan]

It's a recurring nightmare... . I took myself out of the equation but I feel like I'm back in it again. I've defended him and empathised all along knowing about his BPD traits, but today I'm thinking, you know what, he really is a piece of $hit... The despair keeps hitting me in waves. Just when I feel like I'm doing ok along comes more $hit... .

[BlondeRunner]

Narellan,

Could you ask your friends not to share stuff from his Facebook? My dBPDexbf has kept some mutual acquaintances on his Facebook and I asked them to not report back on anything. 

BR x

[wake up]

Narellan,

Could you ask your friends not to share stuff from his Facebook? My dBPDexbf has kept some mutual acquaintances on his Facebook and I asked them to not report back on anything. 

BR x

I had to do the same- it's just torture otherwise! But I guess knowing someone has moved on can help you let go, it hurts a lot but it does help in the long run.

[Narellan]

Yes I had told them, but it just slipped out I think. But I'm so angry again with my best friend and I hadn't thought about her for a while. But she's playing the victim to them and I just want to tell the truth. It's knowing all this stuff about her and they just see the mask. They would hate her if they knew what I know. They are also friends of the girl  whose husband she's been having an affair with for 3 years. I just feel sick about it all.

Sorry... . Rambled a bit there... . I just asked them to not speak to me about her ( or exBPD) anymore.

[antjs]

Narellan, first of all ur ex coming to your door and failing to contact you then posting a photo of ur ex best friend and wanting her back screams out loud of BPD and that he does not deserve anything good and that he is after a quick fix for his agony.


hide all the mutual friends between you\exBPD and you\ex best friend from the news feed and ask them not to mention anything about ur ex BPD\ best friend again. thats the way to go

[BorisAcusio]

It's a recurring nightmare... . I took myself out of the equation but I feel like I'm back in it again. I've defended him and empathised all along knowing about his BPD traits, but today I'm thinking, you know what, he really is a piece of $hit... The despair keeps hitting me in waves. Just when I feel like I'm doing ok along comes more $hit... .

You a know a lot about the disorder theoretically, but it seems to me that you treat it like an abstract idea, accept parts of it that fits your idealized image of him and somewhere deep down you still beleive that he is different. Sorry, but he is not.

[Narellan]

Thanks AJ. I deactivated FB months ago because I couldn't stand to see their posts. This is why I can't go out anywhere or speak to my friends because they all want to know why I'm not friends with her anymore. It's so triggering to me to even hear the mention of her name after she lied to me about contact with him for months. And now all our mutual friends will be seeing him post photos of her, knowing I'm still crushed by the breakup. It's so humiliating.

[antjs]

Thanks AJ. I deactivated FB months ago because I couldn't stand to see their posts. This is why I can't go out anywhere or speak to my friends because they all want to know why I'm not friends with her anymore. It's so triggering to me to even hear the mention of her name after she lied to me about contact with him for months. And now all our mutual friends will be seeing him post photos of her, knowing I'm still crushed by the breakup. It's so humiliating.

you know how BPDs are good at wearing masks of sanity in public. i dont know about your ex best friend but it seems that he broke up with her. you do not contact her but maybe she is damaged too because of the break up. maybe thats why your common friends are curious about what type of person is ur ex BPD going around and crashing hearts insanely.

one of my female friends was going through a break up with her NPD bf at the same time of my break up. it was very therapeutic to talk to her. she mentioned that because she was weak that her "friends" were trying to step over her by bringing up topics about her ex and watching her reactions. i told her that her friends are not good to her and she should be cautious. i am not trying to 100% tell you so. maybe your friends are just curious, i know that girls sometimes need gossip to keep the night alive but this should not be at your expense. be firm at stating that you dont want to talk about anything concerning your ex bf and best friend and if they deliberately continue to push it then i am sorry to tell you that you must revise your friendship with these people.

i have learned from the experience with BPD is to be more self aware in general. anything being told to me by anyone should go through some filters. why is it said now ? what is the purpose of informing me so ? what reaction is being anticipated by the teller from me and what motive is behind this ?


peace to you 

[patientandclear]

Narellan, I am very familiar with this black hole feeling. My ex went from contemplating "going through time" with me to dating or pursuing a colleague of mine at work within days. There was evidence I couldn't avoid seeing in work emails and so on. I felt humiliated (it didn't help that she is much younger than both of us).

9 months later it was she who probably felt humiliated after he left her and he and I reconnected as friends, and he made pointed comments to her about the great woman he was spending time with (me) and this was unavailable to do something with her.

It's a cycle and if you wanted to play, you could probably be on his FB too, for a time. Do you see that?

He probably has a lot of shame and confusion over what happened with you. Sounds like he's been very difficult for your former friend too. There's no winning here. There's being used by him to momentarily meet his needs, which will be cloaked in appealing language of your or her specialness.

I guess I'm trying to say that if he's in touch with her now, it's not a sign of your comparative importance, or even importance to him. It's just a piece of an inevitable cycle. Again, if you chose to, you could probably play too.

[seeking balance]

Yes I had told them, but it just slipped out I think. But I'm so angry again with my best friend and I hadn't thought about her for a while. But she's playing the victim to them and I just want to tell the truth. It's knowing all this stuff about her and they just see the mask. They would hate her if they knew what I know. They are also friends of the girl  whose husband she's been having an affair with for 3 years. I just feel sick about it all.

Sorry... . Rambled a bit there... . I just asked them to not speak to me about her ( or exBPD) anymore.

Many of us here when examining our own lack of boundaries realized we were surrounded by "boundary buster" friends.  As you examine your own values, don't be surprised as your eyes get opened wide to what is all around you.

How do you plan to enforce the boundary next time?

[Narellan]

SB I have no idea.

I have hopeless boundaries. If I'm asked a question I answer it. Whether its anyone's business or not even if I don't want to discuss it. It causes me great anxiety if someone's asks me a pointed question about something I don't want to answer. I can never say I don't want to discuss it. I don't want to be rude or offend so I do an avoidance kind of answer and say too much then have anxiety that I've  said too much.

I'm too open about everything. There's nothing I won't talk about unless its someone else's business or secret. U dont want to talk about the relationship between my exBPD and ex best friend to these mutual friends, but they know my triggers, and coming to my house yesterday painting my ex best friend white when I know all her secrets and in my eyes she's the only person I have ever met that is evil, it was so hard not to justify why I don't want her in my life anymore. I've already said more than I want to. But they only know a tip of the iceberg. If I answered all of their questions honestly lots of lives will be destroyed ( her affair with mutual friends husband) I feel so much guilt about this. I wish i didnt know. No I actually wish they would get caught out so people see her for who she is.

So now I feel like I've got to avoid these 2 friends as well. The list of people I'm avoiding is growing by the day.

[LettingGo14]

So now I feel like I've got to avoid these 2 friends as well. The list of people I'm avoiding is growing by the day.

Hello my friend.  Just a thought for you --

What we resist, persists.   You have great awareness now.   What if, rather than avoiding people, you touch your own heart and say, I can take care of me.   You have the power to establish and enforce boundaries.  It's just a process and it takes practice.   

You are doing good work, Narellan.  I think you want to go "through" the anxiety and the heartbreak rather than side step it.    That is, you don't need to invite questions, but you can focus on the process of establishing and enforcing boundaries, and reminding yourself you can learn to hold and accept the anxiety rather than avoid it.

I hope that makes sense.  It's something I'm trying to do.

[Banshee]

  I'm so sorry to hear your having a hard day,this crap is like quicksand, the second things get better and  we feel we have some wiggle room, we get stuck again. Your  (ex) friend seems awful, I mean really , a married man and her best friend's guy? Classy

I remember you saying he posted pics of you when you two broke up , just like he's doing her. He's a toad and I hope if he ever hops up to your door again you slam it in his face.   you are one of the strong ones, you will prevail!

[trappedinlove]

It's so humiliating.

Remember that his (and your ex best friend's) behavior reflects on him (them), not on you.

If you feel you can't share the truth with your friends then examine carefully if it is worthwhile to maintain your friendship.

[seeking balance]

SB I have no idea.

I have hopeless boundaries.

This sounds like an EXCELLENT PI thread... . you are not alone, this is a common theme... .

Boundaries are directly proportionate to self worth... . digging into this stuff is hard, but very worth the effort.

[Dog biscuit]

Hey Narrelan,

Your story reads erie similair to mine. My ex pursued my best friend straight after the break up. She was my " best friend" for years and knew a lot about my exbf abusive/ crazy behavoir during our r/ s. She denied they had a thing going on to me, but was out in the open about it on social media. It was very strange and utterly confusing. My ex and former best friend are part of my social circle ( friend group) and I have to let go of that whole group of " friends" because i cannot live with the knowledge that those people think it is perfectly okay that things like this happen. In this group of " friends" almost everybody knows that he treated me badly and that something fishy was going on. He is still part of this group, people just accepted his behavoir, and their new relationship. It crushed me. It made me feel crazy, humiliated and worthless.

I am still in the proces of letting go of this group of " friends" and the break up is more than six months ago. For my own sanity and well being I have to detache myself from this group that I belonged to for over 8 years. Its heartbreaking. It shattered me. I have a hard time understanding how i did not see how morally corupt this group of " friends" really was.

I feel for you. Hang in there.

[Boss302]

SB I have no idea.

I have hopeless boundaries. If I'm asked a question I answer it. Whether its anyone's business or not even if I don't want to discuss it. It causes me great anxiety if someone's asks me a pointed question about something I don't want to answer. I can never say I don't want to discuss it. I don't want to be rude or offend so I do an avoidance kind of answer and say too much then have anxiety that I've  said too much.  

And with "normal" people, it's perfectly OK to feel this way. After all, "normal" people don't try to take advantage of the fact that you're a nice person so that they can manipulate you. This is all part of the baseline behavior expectation that we have with others - one person asks, the other answers. It's part of the unspoken rules that we all live by. And as long as everyone plays by the same rules, they work just fine... . so well, in fact, that when you think about ignoring someone, even someone as toxic to you as your BPDx, you feel like a rude, nasty jerk. I did when it came to my uBPDx. It's natural to feel that way. But it's also toxic to you.

We've all learned this rule of conduct with normal people, but your BPD is not normal, so I propose a rule change: be as nice and open as you want to be with people who play by the rules, and to hell with the people who won't. You learned the old rule and you can learn the new one too. Or, as Yoda would say... .

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dBTc9Y2bWiQ

You're feeling that it's rude to cut this man off, and I felt the same way about my BPDx. But in the case of people who behave like this, ignoring them as much as possible isn't only acceptable, it's FAIR. And it may well be the only way you're going to protect yourself and keep yourself happy. People who do the things he does DESERVE to be cut off... . or, as a BPD would think of it, they deserve to be painted black. And that's perfectly acceptable! The difference between BPDs and non-BPDs is that when we non-BPDs do this, it's not on some emotional whim, and we don't "unpaint" the person as a manipulation strategy.

There is a very good reason to dismiss this guy as a cretin, and unworthy to ever interact with you emotionally ever again.

Unlearn what you have learned, and learn how to set your boundaries with this man. I had to do this with my uBPDx, and you can too.

[Narellan]

Thankyou all so much   I got lots out of everyone's posts. Today and tomorrow I'm doing a training day at work on positive behaviour intervention. I'm in a break now   

For the first time since meeting my exBPD I am seeing him in a different light. I've never painted him black , my ex best friend got all the black paint because she knew better. I've always defended and excused him. I feel like I'm turning a corner now. And I'm going to learn boundaries. For myself.

And dog biscuit that is my exact story only my best friend lied to me saying she wasn't in contact with him. And she's lying now pretending to be a victim.

I have to do some thinking about who else I need to eliminate from my life.

I'm sick of carrying around her secrets. It creates enormous anxiety for me.

Back to class now

[Boss302]

Thankyou all so much   I got lots out of everyone's posts. Today and tomorrow I'm doing a training day at work on positive behaviour intervention. I'm in a break now   

For the first time since meeting my exBPD I am seeing him in a different light. I've never painted him black , my ex best friend got all the black paint because she knew better. I've always defended and excused him. I feel like I'm turning a corner now. And I'm going to learn boundaries. For myself.

And dog biscuit that is my exact story only my best friend lied to me saying she wasn't in contact with him. And she's lying now pretending to be a victim.

I have to do some thinking about who else I need to eliminate from my life.

I'm sick of carrying around her secrets. It creates enormous anxiety for me.

Back to class now

All I can say is this... .

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mBS0OWGUidc