Closure?

[Depression = 72% of members]

It kinda feels like it... .

The "why were you dumped thread" really made me think, and it made me contact my ex and apologize for not doing my part.  I was crying when I sent the first text, because I had recognized this truth and felt ashamed for it (notice I said ashamed, not shame.  I don't feel shame.  I am not a terrible person because of this, but I am contrite).  I knew that I am nothing to him anymore, but I didn't know that I am now the anti-christ (much like his ex-wife when he doesn't like her, and like the last woman he'd lived with before he met his ex-wife).  I have done many wrong things, and I acknowledge that... . we all make mistakes... . but the response I received just really did a good job of closing that door for me.

His response detailed how he's angry with himself because he let me in when he knew he shouldn't have (I did push for the relationship, I admit that... . but it didn't take much, really) and that he let himself be guilt tripped and disregarded knowing that he was vulnerable and that he let me "walk all over him" because he didn't want to hurt my feelings.  I was his karma for hurting someone else and that he's now raised his standards so high for a partner that he doesn't believe he'll ever find the woman to fill the position.  And he's so much happier now, even though things are so much more financially difficult.  But he's definitely glad that he ended the relationship and he doesn't see me in his life like that ever again.

Now, I was expecting some more of his "I love you so much, but love is not enough" and "i knew all of this already, but I'm glad that you see it now, too" stuff, but this one really just makes me shake my head.  Despite the fact that English is his second language, he is quite good with words, so even though the response was very childish in nature, it was written so matter of factly.  I am quite proud, I have admitted that, and I fought for this relationship, I pursued it, even when he told me that he is a monster and that he's not the man that I deserve.  I thought he was an amazing individual, and I still do.  He has some great potential to do some really great things with his career.  And despite my hubris, I don't take his words and just dismiss them outright, but that response just solidified the fact that he will never admit to his diagnosis and won't seek help for it or try to do anything about all of those things about himself that he doesn't like.  Not that I truly expected him to, but I thought that maybe he'd do a little something.

I do love him, and I always will.  I care for him greatly and I wish the best for him on his journey. I'll likely wonder how he's doing from time to time, but I do NOT, by any means, want that back in my life ever again.  Hell no.  I empathize with sufferers of this disorder and wouldn't wish that kind of torment on anyone for any reason, but all I have left for him now is pity.  I'm grateful for the response, though.  He took his own power away from himself and I won't have to fight my heart so hard to take that power back from him any longer. 

I might just be able to really, really move on now.  Shut that door!

[maternal]

It kinda feels like it... .

The "why were you dumped thread" really made me think, and it made me contact my ex and apologize for not doing my part.  I was crying when I sent the first text, because I had recognized this truth and felt ashamed for it (notice I said ashamed, not shame.  I don't feel shame.  I am not a terrible person because of this, but I am contrite).  I knew that I am nothing to him anymore, but I didn't know that I am now the anti-christ (much like his ex-wife when he doesn't like her, and like the last woman he'd lived with before he met his ex-wife).  I have done many wrong things, and I acknowledge that... . we all make mistakes... . but the response I received just really did a good job of closing that door for me.

His response detailed how he's angry with himself because he let me in when he knew he shouldn't have (I did push for the relationship, I admit that... . but it didn't take much, really) and that he let himself be guilt tripped and disregarded knowing that he was vulnerable and that he let me "walk all over him" because he didn't want to hurt my feelings.  I was his karma for hurting someone else and that he's now raised his standards so high for a partner that he doesn't believe he'll ever find the woman to fill the position.  And he's so much happier now, even though things are so much more financially difficult.  But he's definitely glad that he ended the relationship and he doesn't see me in his life like that ever again.

Now, I was expecting some more of his "I love you so much, but love is not enough" and "i knew all of this already, but I'm glad that you see it now, too" stuff, but this one really just makes me shake my head.  Despite the fact that English is his second language, he is quite good with words, so even though the response was very childish in nature, it was written so matter of factly.  I am quite proud, I have admitted that, and I fought for this relationship, I pursued it, even when he told me that he is a monster and that he's not the man that I deserve.  I thought he was an amazing individual, and I still do.  He has some great potential to do some really great things with his career.  And despite my hubris, I don't take his words and just dismiss them outright, but that response just solidified the fact that he will never admit to his diagnosis and won't seek help for it or try to do anything about all of those things about himself that he doesn't like.  Not that I truly expected him to, but I thought that maybe he'd do a little something.

I do love him, and I always will.  I care for him greatly and I wish the best for him on his journey. I'll likely wonder how he's doing from time to time, but I do NOT, by any means, want that back in my life ever again.  Hell no.  I empathize with sufferers of this disorder and wouldn't wish that kind of torment on anyone for any reason, but all I have left for him now is pity.  I'm grateful for the response, though.  He took his own power away from himself and I won't have to fight my heart so hard to take that power back from him any longer. 

I might just be able to really, really move on now.  Shut that door!

[trappedinlove]

I'm grateful for the response, though.  He took his own power away from himself and I won't have to fight my heart so hard to take that power back from him any longer. 

I might just be able to really, really move on now.  Shut that door!

Hey maternal, I'm really happy for you that you have found closure in this interaction with him.

However, it looks like you're still empowering him as you say that you can move on now that HE acted the way HE did.

I think that the ability to truly move on means that we become masters of our own destiny.

I.e. be able control our mind and emotions better, regardless of how others, including those who are most close to us, behave.

TIL

[AwakenedOne]

I hope you have found closure. It is clear that you are very nice caring person who has much empathy for others. I hope you find peace and also find the special person you are meant to be with.

Peace,

AO

[maternal]

Hey maternal, I'm really happy for you that you have found closure in this interaction with him.

However, it looks like you're still empowering him as you say that you can move on now that HE acted the way HE did.

I think that the ability to truly move on means that we become masters of our own destiny.

I.e. be able control our mind and emotions better, regardless of how others, including those who are most close to us, behave.

TIL

Of course, I take my own power back, I know that it's up to me to do so.  And I have.  I guess what I meant is that now he has solidified my resolve to completely take that power away from him.  I have been working on it as of late, but I needed this to prove to myself that he will not change or do any of the "work" on himself that he promised when I left.    

I think that what struck me hardest during this interaction was the fact that I can see his communication for what it is now.  A part of me figured that I'd end up painted black at some point, though another part of me hoped I wouldn't be.  It's a weird, crazymaking thing, this desire for these disordered individuals to care for us.  And lately, honestly, I had been missing him and thinking that he's not so bad.  I needed this, because it reinforces the fact that he is poison.  In the not-so-distant past, I would have taken the words he said, internalized them and been feeling pretty bad about myself right about now.  But I'm not.  I am far enough removed from his spell that I can recognize his sh!t for what it is in the moment.  In the past, I'd have taken a little while to see the manipulation and blaming and victimhood in these kinds of words from him.  In the past I would have just felt sorry for him and wanted to give him a hug.  But now, no.  What was once a door left open, by him, and allowed to stay open by myself, is now closed.  It's not complete and true closure, per se, but it is a sense of closure that I have needed.  It helps dissipate the feelings of sorrow and grief that I've been feeling lately.  I don't feel a pull toward him any longer because of this interaction.  I deserve MUCH better than that, and I will have it.

If I weren't taking this personal inventory and recognized where I need to correct certain things about myself, I wouldn't be working on me as I should.  I wouldn't have been able to apologize to him.  But I did, and it's all part of my own transformation.  And I'm good with myself for being able to disassociate from his bullsh!t.  Finally.

[OutOfEgypt]

What is the link to the "why were you dumped thread"?

[maternal]

What is the link to the "why were you dumped thread"?

Here:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=227426.0

[trappedinlove]

Of course, I take my own power back, I know that it's up to me to do so.  And I have.  I guess what I meant is that now he has solidified my resolve to completely take that power away from him.  I have been working on it as of late, but I needed this to prove to myself that he will not change or do any of the "work" on himself that he promised when I left.

Yeah, that makes a lot of sense.

I think that what struck me hardest during this interaction was the fact that I can see his communication for what it is now.  A part of me figured that I'd end up painted black at some point, though another part of me hoped I wouldn't be.  It's a weird, crazymaking thing, this desire for these disordered individuals to care for us.  And lately, honestly, I had been missing him and thinking that he's not so bad.  I needed this, because it reinforces the fact that he is poison.  In the not-so-distant past, I would have taken the words he said, internalized them and been feeling pretty bad about myself right about now.  But I'm not.  I am far enough removed from his spell that I can recognize his sh!t for what it is in the moment.  In the past, I'd have taken a little while to see the manipulation and blaming and victimhood in these kinds of words from him.  In the past I would have just felt sorry for him and wanted to give him a hug.  But now, no.  What was once a door left open, by him, and allowed to stay open by myself, is now closed.  It's not complete and true closure, per se, but it is a sense of closure that I have needed.  It helps dissipate the feelings of sorrow and grief that I've been feeling lately.  I don't feel a pull toward him any longer because of this interaction.  I deserve MUCH better than that, and I will have it.

Yeah, I hear you.

I'm trying to think of how I can relate that to myself since for me things were little different.

In my case what helped me get a similar closure was her actions in the last four months or so and my last one-sided interaction with her a couple weeks ago.

We had a terrific meeting on Valentine's Day that felt so very close and sincere after which she texted me saying how much she enjoyed our time together and I (again) felt there's still hope to stay close friends at least.  A day after (or actually that evening I think) she went No Contact with me without telling me anything about it.  I saw some clues on Facebook about tough decisions she needs to take and photos of her and a young guy she is seeing but nothing more than that.

A couple weeks later after hearing nothing from her I kindly asked her that I noticed she drifted away after our last meeting and that I'd really like to know why.  She replied by "Frankly, I don't know what you're talking about" and that really left me baffled.

Since then she has been giving me the silence treatment and even when we physically saw each other in an event, although she replied to me when I addressed her, she practically ignored me otherwise as if I didn't exist, and that was in front of a bunch of common friends.

Recently I broke NC on fb, liked and commented positively and friendly on a few posts that I felt deserving encouragement and admittedly I hoped to give her yet another chance to reconcile.  Having seen that she remained strong in her unwillingness to have me in her life in any way that was enough for me to give myself closure.  I truly don't want to force myself on anybody that doesn't want any interaction with me.  It's her choice and her life. I gave every thing I could to this friendship and I've left with nothing more.  Take it or leave it

If I weren't taking this personal inventory and recognized where I need to correct certain things about myself, I wouldn't be working on me as I should.  I wouldn't have been able to apologize to him.  But I did, and it's all part of my own transformation.  And I'm good with myself for being able to disassociate from his bullsh!t.  Finally.

That's awesome!

[maternal]

Thank you.

These words are EXACTLY the kinds of things he was saying about his ex-wife when I met him.  I never did anything so horrible to him to warrant this, but I take it for what it is.  I had a pretty good relationship with his ex-wife, and as much as she had some troubles of her own, I knew she was never as bad as he would say she was.  I was caught off guard and surprised by what he said, but because of where I am in my healing today, I did not take it personal as I would have in the past.  For me, it is closure enough.