Please share what to do when you feel a recycle coming on

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My expBPD has been "coincidently" showing up behind me in traffic recently or at some of the mutual spots we often frequented. It's a baiting technique toward a possible recycle or a check in to see if theres some potential supply. And no coincidence, BPD's always know where you are and how to find you-- when they have a need. My T had advised me to act completely indifferent when I see him. And I do. I keep going, I do not stop. I don't react. But the feelings just come each time I pass him. Triggering a very sad day in my heart thereafter. As almost all here say, how could I miss someone who has been so cold and heartless toward me? I try to focus on what this relationship cost me emotionally to remain strong.  I could really use some suggestions from others who've experienced this routine. It's been nearly 6 mos since his new supply went from idealization to D/D, so I am fully aware of the cycle. i feel like there may be a situation ahead where I may be approached by him to "talk."  Unsure how to handle this if it occurs. Thank you for your support.

[Caredverymuch]

My expBPD has been "coincidently" showing up behind me in traffic recently or at some of the mutual spots we often frequented. It's a baiting technique toward a possible recycle or a check in to see if theres some potential supply. And no coincidence, BPD's always know where you are and how to find you-- when they have a need. My T had advised me to act completely indifferent when I see him. And I do. I keep going, I do not stop. I don't react. But the feelings just come each time I pass him. Triggering a very sad day in my heart thereafter. As almost all here say, how could I miss someone who has been so cold and heartless toward me? I try to focus on what this relationship cost me emotionally to remain strong.  I could really use some suggestions from others who've experienced this routine. It's been nearly 6 mos since his new supply went from idealization to D/D, so I am fully aware of the cycle. i feel like there may be a situation ahead where I may be approached by him to "talk."  Unsure how to handle this if it occurs. Thank you for your support.

[lipstick]

Caredverymuch,

I'm sorry you're dealing with the roller-coaster of emotions that our exes leave us with. It's not a fun ride!

I don't really have any helpful advice on how to deal with a recycle attempt. Just that I understand the feelings that you are dealing with. The only attempt that I received was in the form of a Friend Request on Facebook - after over a year of Silent Treatment from him. There was no message - no attempt at communication. Just the Request. Oh! Forgot! He started out by "Following" me first. Then sent the Request. How did I handle it?  When I saw the "Following / Friend Request" - I will admit - it made me happy. Then I started thinking about what all I had been through in the year following the discard. It had been brutal. To the point that I was on welfare assistance for a brief time. I hit rock bottom.

So, what did I do? I ignored the Request. It was hard - really hard - but it was the right thing to do. How did he react? Proceeded to block me on Facebook and shut down any avenues of contact that I might have. Nice, huh? Like I was the bad guy.

So all I can tell you is - when you have these moments - go over in your mind every unkind word or act your ex said / did to you. Have mock conversations with them in front of your bathroom mirror. Practice keeping your face neutral. This person hurt you on a very deep level. They don't deserve a reaction from you of any kind!    Positive or otherwise.

[enlighten me]

Its still too soon after the split for my ex to try and recycle me but I have a supply of facebook messages from her that I went through today. At the time of her writing they seemed innocent enough but going over again I could almost hear her smashing the keyboard as she wrote. It reminded me what I was getting away from it brought back the feelings of loneliness and confusion and anchored me to the reality of the fact she is bad news and I don't need her ruining my life.

Half the problem with recycling is with us. We are caring individuals and because of this we were pulled in deeper. We have to find a way to not care where this person is involved.

[babyducks]

CaredVeryMuch,

I have also experienced what you describe and know how unsettling and difficult it can be.  Kudos to you for trying to handle it in the best possible way for both of you.

I split from my EX very abruptly after a violent incident.   Shortly after she began turning up at places where she knew I would be.  I am often in public venues where its important I conduct myself with some decorum.

Skip posted here once "a person with this level of volatility shouldn't be messed with - for her well being as well as your own.  The best thing is to not initiate contact but be respectful and kind when she contacts you. Don't engage in anything emotional."

That resonated deeply with me and I took it as my mantra for several long months. I still use it frequently when my EX and I are in the same physical space.

I can say that it felt intrusive when she would turn up, a violation of my personal boundaries.   It was more evidence to how disordered and disturbed her thought processing was and is.   She began to volunteer in the community garden that is right across the street from my house.  Previously she had no interest in gardening, didn't know the community garden was there other than to hear me mention it and every time I left my house I had to literally drive by her.   Like you and your EX this was no coincidence it was semi stalking.

On the other hand when I saw her, undeniably I wanted to go speak to her.   It pulled at my heart strings terribly.   I still love and care for her even as I struggle to understand how impossible it would be for us to have anything like a normal stable relationship.

It was, and sometimes still is, a swirl of strong emotions pulling in two different directions.  Which pretty much sums up our relationship in a nutshell.

Like the literature says here, I was aware that I needed to be the emotionally healthy one and set the tone.   Which I tried to do to the best of my ability.   I practiced, yes actually practiced, lines which I called my White House press briefings,  short, non emotional, no facts, no casting of blame or accepting of responsibility.  One of my favorites was "I am not in a place where I can talk to you easily."  And then exit stage right.

There were two times when I did engage in a deeper conversation, and one was a recycle.   I used Skip's advice and with respect and politeness I declined.   It felt very empowering to me.   What I found in my situation was if I tried to avoid her, she tried harder to find me.   

I understand how difficult it is.  I would suggest that there is no right way or wrong way to deal with his presence.  What works one day might not the next.   From my perspective what matters is being honest with and accepting of all the emotions in the situation.

Good Luck

'ducks

[susanleona]

I too received a friend request on Facebook.  It had happened a few months ago and I ignored it.  But thinking I was strong enough a few months' later I accepted.  Right away he began to insist on chat mode.  But I just couldn't do it and I told him that I'd rather just stay FB friends without any real one-on-one contact. He kept asking why, my reply being he would not understand.  The reason was that the memory of our final conversation is so burned in pain in my head that I simply could not get past that to initiate new contact with him.  It was the icing on the cake of his verbal abuse. Plus the fact that his reason for friending me was to have someone to talk to at night when no one else was available (he lives 6 hours ahead in time zone).  Earlier recycles would at least include some I miss you content. This insult plus the memory of pain made me freeze on a recycle.  So he kept me as a friend for about a month, sent me a Valentine hug, which I thanked him for but did not return, and then he deleted me.  It worked out well for my recovery and the less contact the better I become.

[lipstick]

susanleona,

So why do you think your ex decided to delete you? They're so weird.

Mine didn't wait a month. He waited all of maybe three days. I think he got pi$$ed because he could see I was accepting other Requests and ignoring his. So I was blocked!  Because I'm a big meanie, don't you know? So now I am being punished for rejecting him. Yet he continues to keep tabs on me. Bizarre.

[Caredverymuch]

Its still too soon after the split for my ex to try and recycle me but I have a supply of facebook messages from her that I went through today. At the time of her writing they seemed innocent enough but going over again I could almost hear her smashing the keyboard as she wrote. It reminded me what I was getting away from it brought back the feelings of loneliness and confusion and anchored me to the reality of the fact she is bad news and I don't need her ruining my life.

Half the problem with recycling is with us. We are caring individuals and because of this we were pulled in deeper. We have to find a way to not care where this person is involved.

Thank you for your insight. My T said something to me once that I often repeat to myself. "Why do you go back for more when you know what he's capable of?" The answer of course is hope. You hope this time will be different because the emotional roller coaster makes no sense. And the healing has to be done completely alone. And then there is the love. So thankful for this site and the strength it provides to us.

[Caredverymuch]

CaredVeryMuch,

I have also experienced what you describe and know how unsettling and difficult it can be.  Kudos to you for trying to handle it in the best possible way for both of you.

I split from my EX very abruptly after a violent incident.   Shortly after she began turning up at places where she knew I would be.  I am often in public venues where its important I conduct myself with some decorum.

Skip posted here once "a person with this level of volatility shouldn't be messed with - for her well being as well as your own.  The best thing is to not initiate contact but be respectful and kind when she contacts you. Don't engage in anything emotional."

That resonated deeply with me and I took it as my mantra for several long months. I still use it frequently when my EX and I are in the same physical space.

I can say that it felt intrusive when she would turn up, a violation of my personal boundaries.   It was more evidence to how disordered and disturbed her thought processing was and is.   She began to volunteer in the community garden that is right across the street from my house.  Previously she had no interest in gardening, didn't know the community garden was there other than to hear me mention it and every time I left my house I had to literally drive by her.   Like you and your EX this was no coincidence it was semi stalking.

On the other hand when I saw her, undeniably I wanted to go speak to her.   It pulled at my heart strings terribly.   I still love and care for her even as I struggle to understand how impossible it would be for us to have anything like a normal stable relationship.

It was, and sometimes still is, a swirl of strong emotions pulling in two different directions.  Which pretty much sums up our relationship in a nutshell.

Like the literature says here, I was aware that I needed to be the emotionally healthy one and set the tone.   Which I tried to do to the best of my ability.   I practiced, yes actually practiced, lines which I called my White House press briefings,  short, non emotional, no facts, no casting of blame or accepting of responsibility.  One of my favorites was "I am not in a place where I can talk to you easily."  And then exit stage right.

There were two times when I did engage in a deeper conversation, and one was a recycle.   I used Skip's advice and with respect and politeness I declined.   It felt very empowering to me.   What I found in my situation was if I tried to avoid her, she tried harder to find me.   

I understand how difficult it is.  I would suggest that there is no right way or wrong way to deal with his presence.  What works one day might not the next.   From my perspective what matters is being honest with and accepting of all the emotions in the situation.

Good Luck

'ducks

Thank you for your sharing 'ducks and for your kind support.  Your story, like most, is familiar.  It's surely a swirl of emotions with these people. And you sound like you are in a very strong place of healing. That's wonderful, keep going.  For so long, I just missed talking with my expBPD. Simple as that. The shared coffee and the talking. I missed that more than anything else. They engulf your very being so how could you not miss them.  Now I don't feel I could believe a word he says anyway. I think one of the more heartbreaking aspects of this r/s was the realization that I meant nothing at all to this man. I valued him so very much as a person. Foremost and always. I valued all we shared as friends and he held a very important place in my life. And my heart. I respected him. No matter what life held, I always thought I would have this man in my life in some way, casually, etc. Like past ex's can do.  To realize that I was nothing, after how much we deeply shared, that was very heartbreaking. It has felt empowering to ignore him despite the sadness in my heart. Despite the fact that is not the kind of person I am. But I know that I am doing what's best for me. And that's how we heal.