Left BPDexgf

[blindjoe]

I posted most of this in the introduction as well, but I think this seems to be a good place for it. Because it's exactly what I'm doing: detaching, leaving/left.

I'm in my mid-twenties. Male. I ended it with her one week ago. I will try to be as brief as possible in summarizing our relationship, as I will likely post more elsewhere, or later on as I use this message board.

I began seeing this girl when I was in my late teens, she is two years older than me. We began as only hook-up or FWB. It was like this on and off for many years. At one point we just went our separate ways, both had relationships, etc... . We eventually reconnected and were FWB again for a year. Then we really reconnected in some pretty wild circumstances. It was at that time I fell for her. I wanted to see her exclusively, and so we got together.

This is when I started to notice things were a little off. But, I myself wasn't healthy at the time, actively drinking/using.

So then began the rollercoaster ride of an off-on relationship with her. Her breaking up with me, me breaking up with her, us reuniting, madly in love, hating each other, madly in love, fighting relentlessly, madly in love, etc... She would get violent sometimes, but I was drinking so thought it was amusing, though eventually it was frightening.

We even were together though distance at one point, both at different colleges in different states. She would fly out to visit me and I her. We talked daily and skyped, etc... . An example of her behavior, one which still haunts me, was when she took scissors to her arm and began swinging wildly, cutting herself, and accidentaly cutting me in the process. I was in shock, really.

Eventually during a break up, literally one day after breaking up, she put a restraining order on me under false pretenses. She of course broke the restraining order and called me multiple times. I got a lawyer and she admitted she lied in court and charges were dropped. Stupid me reconnected with her once the restraining order was up.

I tried to get sober a few times while with her but couldn't do it. I am sober now, fortunately. So about a year and a half ago I broke up with her to finally truly sober/clean up. During my time in rehab I eventually wrote a brief letter to her. Fast forward a few months and we're together again. This time I'm healthy and sober and things actually seemed to be going well.

It was like her BPD symptoms completely disappeared. Until the last month or so when the more subtle and insidious hurtful things started happening again, though no violence, tantrum-like behavior and more fighting. And I made the decision to end it with her once and for all. So here I am.

Right now I am aware it is the healthiest thing long-term for me to have ended it, however part of me wishes I didn't so I would still have the comfort of being in a relationship. I learned throughout being with her how to basically reverse-engineer situations so that previously rage-inducing scenarios would instead result in little to no discomfort, if that makes any sense. I guess all of that mindwarping eventually takes its toll however, and is so exhausting. It really was tiresome being with her, now that I think about it. Walking on eggshells, surely.

Obviously I miss her intimacy the most, but what I don't miss is the wondering if I had earned it that day. That's how I felt towards the end, like I had to be rewarded by her intimacy. She was masterful with her words, but I judge people by their actions. Though when her actions showed love or respect I felt on top of the world. I dunno what I'm getting at.

I will not relapse over leaving her. I hope one day I'll find someone who appreciates me for who I am sober. What really hurt is she told me she liked me better drinking.