Do mutual friends and family eventually understand your choice to go no contact?

[Valley Quail]

For those of you who have gone no contact with a family member... . have you found that the mutual friends and other family will eventually understand once they see the abuse for them self?

Thanks in advance for your input.

[Levi78]

I'm the "still in contact" sibling. My brother is NC and our mom is the uBPD. This is not the perspective you were looking for, but I thought I'd weigh in... .

My brother went NC about 8 years ago due to a dispute over our grandparent's inheritance. (They left him significant $$$, but left our mom a mere token.) Mom publicly accused my bro of stealing her rightful inheritance. This was complete BS -- everyone in the family has known FOREVER that my brother stood to get a large gift.

Anyway, he went NC. This has been really awkward and weird for me. Like a HUGE elephant in the room when I am with my mother. At first I urged my brother to just be cordial and maintain the most minimal contact possible. He refused. (I don't blame him -- she publicly humiliated him with her crazy allegations.)

HOWEVER, I am now all alone in dealing with her insanity. (Which is getting rapidly worse with age.) My family & I are suddenly the center of her delusional world. It's really f-ing annoying! I love my brother but I sometimes feel a bit pissed that he fled the situation and left me to deal with her.

In short, do I understand his decision? Yes. Does it negatively affect my family? HELL YES.

[Louise7777]

Im NC or VLC with a few family members. Just to put some perspective, they are uBPD/ HPD. With them, I realized I was the one doing all the effort to have some sort of r/s. They either ignored me or contacted me when needed something... . So, at some point, I just stopped contacting and one then "dropped by" (I wasnt home). Note that I dont even have her address!

Seems she couldnt take me ignoring her... . At least thats how I saw it. Then she sent me invitations for her kids weddings, I didnt attend, didnt send gifts, nothing. If I was being ignored my whole life, Ill do the same too.

So, my family is mostly dysfunctional and since Im not discussing any issue with them, I have no clue of what they think. Honestly, I dont care and I dont need their validation.

Regarding friends, some understand, some dont. One particular close friend was horrified to know their behaviour and told me I had put up with it for way too long. But most of my friends dont understand the whole implications... . I dont expect them to, actually... . People usually dont believe our horror stories, they think its exaggeration... . If I were you, I wouldnt expect validation, you may end up frustrated.

[lucyhoneychurch]

Chiming in with Louise here, Valley Quail, and totally get where Levi's coming from as I was the one who "fled" as well. That's how it goes when you have abusive parents - each child as an adult gets to choose. Even staying is a choice.

Louise summed it up saying you will more than likely end up very frustrated for validation. I got chided by lifelong friends, guilt trips, for taking a stand and sticking to it. Even as they knew other areas in my life were in total upheaval and any ties to my parents and esp abusive mother would've made those nightmares *that much worse* - they still felt okay nagging at me. Oddly enough, the two who did this the most have very very dysfunctional ties to their parents, and maintain their own connections totally via FOG. Say so even.

No one's been in your shoes. Not even another sibling, as Levi describes. Being a target for so many years, you get to decide. On another post, someone just wrote, "This is not a dress rehearsal, this is life." We get ONE life. Don't let anyone waste your time when they are clueless about who you are and what you've survived. You're tough, much tougher than you know. And life is marching past, we are given a certain amount of time. Don't be cheated and robbed. I just lost an older cousin out with a bride of 8 months on his Harley on a lovely Father's Day afternoon - drunk truck driver out for a spin too - my cousin will be buried just after turning 59 in May this coming Saturday. He had pretty much just gotten his life back together after years of acrimonious divorce (some of which I attribute to him, the dragging on). His poor 91-year-old dad outlived him.  :'(

Seize the day.  Seize your life.     It's there for the taking - just make sure YOU are the one grabbing it     If you contemplate too long about what others think, you are losing time.

I will tell you this as well - you will learn who your *true* friends are who say, "I want you to be okay, I want you to be as safe as possible, do what you have to do."

  Courage and strength - it's hard but you can do it.  One way I cope these days with awful things that are still popping up - I look back and I know I did right by my family and myself. 

[Attie]

My friends have seen what the last 10 years of low contact have done to me again and again and again and would support whatever I do.

My partner lost her mother a few years ago and didn't understand why I would not be in contact with my mother at least I still had one. I chose there to make one last effort of staying in contact and when the situation blew up my partner could see for herself how it is and what's happening and so she's fine with whatever I decide to do.

My mother's family all have no contact with her anyway. I have no siblings. And my father's family has had no contact with her (she forbade him to see them when they were married) and now my father seems to have no contact either. He tried every now and then.

It boils down to her being alone and me feeling guilty.

But everyone accepts it.

[Botswana Agate]

I'm NC with BPD mother, having CO her in February.  One of my siblings isn't speaking to me because of it.  Not sure about the other two; after BPD mom's stunts (which included a death-threat and suicide attempt) and how that affected us siblings (there's four of us), I chose to shut out everyone for self-preservation.  I haven't spoken with two of them (not really close to them in the first place), but the one I reached out to was angry at me for cutting off BPD mom, and he's the one not speaking to me. 

Other friends in my circle have been supportive, and my husband has had my back the entire time. 

[funfunctional]

I find I am very selective about who I discus no contact with my mother in law with.   I try not to talk about it at all.  Only my friends that "get it" list.   

People DO NOT get it and only say b.s.  like "but it's your mother"... . whaaaaa whaaaaaa.      You know why I know this?  My husband does not talk to his mom.    She did horrible things and can't be trusted as she WILL destroy our lives & people in it every chance she gets.    She is a poison apple.

Don't give a care what other people think.   Do not engage in conversation with people about it.  If someone pushes you to discuss when you don't want to... . say "I don't want to discuss this with you".

That is all I have to say.   (wasn't that a Forest Gump line?).

[littleln]

Depends on who it is. If people have SEEN that side of her, they GET it usually. But you how it is. Not everyone gets the royal treatment from her. If it's someone she sucks up to, then nope. we're the bad guys, how could we not let her see her grandchildren for months at a time when she is SUCH a good grandma? 

Srsly.

[HappyChappy]

Been NC for 6 months. We've been pillared from every angle by my BPDm and two syblins. Loads of guilt re: not letting your children have a relationship with their grandparents. In fact my wife just e-mailed my sis today, saying if people abuse her kids, then it's healthier they don't have a relationship. So I'm guessing I need to cut contact with her too. But if you cut out cancer, you take healthy tissue with it.

My Friends that knew my BPD have already told me she was scary and wierd, so they totaly understand. Wouldn't mention it to anyone that did know her. At university, way before I knew about BPD and was NC, we were talking about mothers and I blurted out I didn't love mine. Their faces. Better not admit that one again.

You're getting quiet a mixed bag of responces. So I guess it boils down to what your famliy and friends already belive about family relationships and your BPD in particular. But my BPD has very effectivly turned my family members into flying monkeys. But then she is extreamly good at creating feer (she's done some dangerious things) and had alot of inhertance to pass down. She's got her own tiny mafia (bless). Best of luck. I would suggest that if you go NC, if you can fade to grey rather than make the statement. That way you'll less reistance and you can always reverse the decisiton if it doesn't work.

[deux soeurs]

I have been NC with my BPD sister on and off mostly regarding her breach of my boundaries, harassment, etc.  typical BPD behavior.  My brother understands in VLC himself and mom understood when she was alive.  My dad never gets it no matter what sis does to me, my brother or him.  He seemed frustrated last time I went NC because he was only family member in touch with her and she is High Maintenance to say the least.  He actually is reason I agreed to talk with her a few years back.  Big mistake as she always is on good behavior and inevitably returns to her evil self.  My dad now gets it... . What I am saying is you have to be true to your self and your well being.  There are some that judge but they are not in our shoes.  Having a family member with BPD is challenging to say the least.  NC has been saving grace for me... . Good luck!

[Valley Quail]

Thank you all so much for your replies. They are so very helpful. Big hugs.