are you inadequate, desperate ?

[antjs]

my healing process is like an emotional roller coaster as much as the r\s. cycling rapidly between the 5 stages of grieve. lots and frequent ups and downs. today i was feeling ok and i approached a girl and just asked one question. i was not trying to get a date or something. i am trying to be friends with more people. i miss and enjoy talking to normal women. after BPD normal women are overwhelmingly amazing. so i asked her a question, of course i was not in my best performance. got the answer, freezed, smiled, said thank you and moved. the problem is with what i have felt after this. i felt inadequate. i felt incapable. i was not even capable of starting a conversation with a female just to be acquaintances or friends. i realized this feeling of inadequacy was there long before my BPD r\s. i know for a fact that i have some self confidence issue. i was rejected by women before but god this time it felt horrible. it felt like i am worthless. part of it of course is because my culture is not so open with strange men talking to women they do not know but still. its not about if i succeeded at what i am aiming or not. its rather about how did i feel about this failure. this BPD thing ruined my self worth.

i feel that bit by bit i am discovering myself. it felt like i was in a coma before meeting my ex with all these issues. i was diagnosed with quarter life crisis. the problem is that i am not starting to point out what is wrong with me but i can't put my finger on how to change it. i am sad that i have wasted all these years unaware of my issues though i am 26 years old. i feel like i will die before reaching what i want to be. maybe i am too inpatient with myself ? i know the road to building your character back after BPD is a long bumpy one. maybe i really can not figure out how to change it. I lost the talent to meet new people. I am stuck alone most of the time now. friends are leaving the country for various political and economical reasons. its good to have some time alone to reflect and see how are you going but too much of it is not healthy. I have no specific question. i am just thinking out loud but of course i am searching for answers

[LettingGo14]

AJ -- I heard this story early on after my abandonment, and it took a while for it to resonate with me.  Figured I'd share with you to see if it resonates with you.

One evening an old Cherokee Indian told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people. He said, ‘My son, the battle is between two ‘wolves’ inside us all.One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.

The other is good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.’

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: ‘Which wolf wins?’

The old Cherokee simply replied, ‘The one you feed.’