BPD exes not giving your stuff back. Thoughts? Experiences?

[BlondeRunner]

Hello everyone,

I was out with friends last night who enquired about my situation (no change in it... . ) and a topic they got stuck on and found really hard to understand was the fact that my dBPDexbf has not/will not release my belongings.

I have seen this issue discussed a few times in relation to BPD - it seems to be a relatively common occurrence.

I find it totally bizarre to withhold someone's stuff. I've had relationships with some real jerks in my time but NEVER have I not got my stuff back. Hell, even the jerkiest one of my exes duly dealt with all the break-up admin and gave back what was mine relatively hassle free.

Just to clarify I addressed the issue of my getting back my stuff with my ex once. I was totally ignored and then blocked on all social media and messaging devices. That was approx. 6 weeks ago. I have quite a bit of stuff at his place although I'm not going to climb through hoops to get it- they are things I can live without.

I'm just curious to get your thoughts on this behaviour, or hear anyone else's experience of it.

In the meantime I hold dear the image of him strutting about in my high heels, wearing my hello kitty pyjamas, carrying his stuff in my handbag and using my eyelash curlers to make his eyes pop 

BR xx

[free-n-clear]

 Hi, BlondeRunner. My uBPDxgf not only kept everything of mine that was at her place - in the case of my acoustic guitar she was telling people I was trying to steal it from her two days before I ended the relationship. She must have been able to sense what was coming. I hadn't even mentioned the guitar, hadn't been to her place for about 6 days - how exactly I was trying to steal my own guitar is beyond me.  It wasn't a particularly expensive one, in the end I decided it was a small price to pay to have her out of my life.

[mitti]

Hi BlondeRunner,

Yes, this seems to be very common. Last time my uBPDxbf and I broke up I had some quite valuable things at his that he refused to return or organised to have returned to me. That time he completely cut me out of his life without any prior warning, in the 10 minutes it took me to walk from his house to mine. I was accused of stalking him when I simply wanted to get my stuff back and when he finally after 5 months agreed to return it he had his friend advice him to call the police on me, for wanting my own things back.

I have no idea what causes this behaviour but I think it could be some way of refusing to cut the ties completely or punishing you for wanting to cut those ties by demanding your things back, which they might view as some form of abandonment even though they may be the ones to have dumped you. So much of the BPD behavioral patterns are so distorted and paradoxical that it is hard to wrap your head around it.

[maternal]

And here I was thinking that it was just my ex who did that... .

When I moved in, there was a box of someone else's stuff and eventually this young woman contacted ME about it.  That was awesome.

I accidentally left some things at the apartment when I left, and he said he'd send it... . but it's been almost two months and I haven't seen it yet.  I want nothing to do with him, so I'm not going to ask for it (again) and I can survive without it.

I never would have connected that with the disorder... . weird.

[Emelie Emelie]

Funny... . I just posted about my exBF returning my stuff.  I think they keep it because it's a connection to you.  Maybe the last one they have.  Mine obviously doesn't want one.

[patientandclear]

I had aspects of both Emelie's and BR's pattern, and both confirm that "stuff" is a form of connection for them.

When my ex asked me to return something to him it was like a petulant "well if this is over then you should give that back" kind of message. Something you'd expect to get if you broke up with them, not the other way around. Later I realized that was exactly how he viewed it. It pressed he knew he had made the actual decision, but emotionally, he thought it was all my doing because I did the thing he reacted to when he split. I'd ruined his beautiful love affair. He was mad. The request to return the item was showing me that passive aggressively (he did not rage outwardly, almost ever). So Emelie, I think your guy is mad at you for ruining things.

BR, I think Mitti's theory is clearly right. Often they want stuff to remain in order to have a future reason to connect. My ex later told me he wanted to get back together but was flummoxed about how to do that, as "I didn't even have any of your things to return." It's a last sure means of connection.

[Turkish]

Mine did the opposite. Despite having months to prepare, she left all sorts of her stuff in our home. I found it quite rude, even if I understood it. Like EE said, it's a connection... she came over two weeks after she moved out to get some more, and after that, she got the message that I didn't want her coming back anymore. She left personal things, like even her passport which I found in a drawer. I took the things over to her mom's over the weeks so she could get it. At least I found some interesting things, like a journal she kept before we met, and a love letter from the previous bf, whose contents supported my feeling that he was an NPD based on the stories she told me.

She was so desperate to run to her new life and the arms of my replacement, and away from the trigger of her pain of that which she was giving up: the most stable life she'd ever had... . "everything she'd ever wanted" she used to tell me. "But I'm still unhappy."

I'm slowly getting rid of that connection, too...

[topknot]

Thank you, Turkish. I have paintings on the wall, couches, entertainment center for 2 weeks now. When he shows up to "take things", I shoot out of here. Last time, he took an iPod deck, Basmati and Jasmine rice, a picture of a guitar, and his Harley wardrobe.  But the Harley is still here

[free-n-clear]

I'll have the Harley if he doesn't want it! 

[topknot]

HA!  free'nclear! It's all part of the game... . Here is my humorous take on it:   See what you did? You argued with me about where I was going on my Harley. Okay, I was going to a female business associate's home. Of course, her husband was there too... well, maybe not, but she IS married - I do have some scruples! No, I didn't lie about where I was going. Well, yes, I did say I was just going for a ride alone. Well, yes, I told that same lie to your mother and your son before  I left. I KNOW your family was our house guests for the weekend. But I was getting claustrophobic,  things were just so... . nice, and I just had to misbehave... . FINE, now the Harley can just SIT there. You know how I love to ride it, and it's ALL your fault!    And there you have it

[Octoberfest]

During my BPDex's and I's major breakup which occured 1/2 way into our 9 month relationship (When I found out she had fu*ked a close friend of mine, made out with my best friend, and found out she was cheating on me again), she held onto a blanket of mine that we always slept with that I had given her for the break (Winter break between semesters at our college) as well as a digital picture frame I had given her a few days prior as a early Christmas present since we wouldn't be near each other. I had to jump through some hoops and get friends involved to try and get it back. She told me/my friend that she had thrown away the picture frame already. Later, after we reconciled, she revealed she still had the picture frame and that she had held onto it because she needed to have something of me.  The way their minds work is bizarre.

[myself]

Stuff, in a struggle for control, is a way to stake a claim, and to also be able to say "F the claim". Not much is really permanent when your life is made of turmoil.

For me? I'd like to get the time back.

[Octoberfest]

Stuff, in a struggle for control, is a way to stake a claim, and to also be able to say "F the claim". Not much is really permanent when your life is made of turmoil.

For me? I'd like to get the time back.

I'll second that. Actually though, I'll sacrifice the time I spent in the R/s, I learned a lot... . but how about the 13 months I've spent floating through life like a zombie since? At the very least, for the love of GOD, can I please get over this and just move on?

[topknot]

Hey octoberfest, when I first met my ExBpd four years ago, I left my hoodie at his house.  He texted me that he slept with it.  I thought oh,  how sweet. Four years later,  we are living together and he books. I come home to find a different hoodie on a prominent chair.  I thought,  where the hell has that thing been? Oh, I guess he stole it and now returned it like,  we are DONE. Some crazy never changes... .

[Lion Fire]

When I finally put my foot down and was serious about not complying with her demands or taking the bait of a recycle, she held me to ransom over my stuff in her flat. I could not write this stuff off and she knew it. All of my work stuff and an irreplaceable music collection... . she demanded money to make her "feel safe because I had disgarded and abandoned" her and also threatened to publicly smear my name with accusations of abuse and all of my secrets.

I weighed it all up and decided to pay her off and get out of dodge. The actual transaction was relatively smooth on the day. After handing her the cash and packing my stuff, she stood in front of me at the door of her apartment, tears welling up in her eyes, voice breaking and said " why are you doing this, why are you leaving me, look what you're leaving, we have a big big love... . " I was so dumbstruck I put my hands up and said I don't know, turned and walked away. The final sequence of events was more bizarre, twisted and confusing than anything I have ever experienced.

I believe the withholding, blackmail and and the likes over our stuff is about trying to gain control mixed with revenge. In my case she has always wanted some kind of tie to either lure me or abuse me. Thank God she was not pregnant (she told me she was when I split), I know that she would have been ruthless with access to the child.

[BlondeRunner]

Hi all. Thank you so much for all of your thoughts and sharing your experiences.

Firstly:

... . last time, he took... . Basmati and Jasmine rice,... .

WOW, Topknot! This made me laugh so much! He takes RICE but leaves the Harley? The world has officially gone mad!   I vote give it to FreenClear to make up for the loss of his guitar!  

It's very interesting to hear all your stories. I guess this whole withholding thing could be based in a number of behaviours: Keeping a link and retaining a sure connection, a way to punish and I can also see how it would be a way of trying to exert control when you feel you have none.

One thing I've stopped doing is trying to apply logic to the illogical but it's so hard! I mean we are in this situation because of HIM! HE ignored my offer to talk things through like an adult, HE blocked me from all forms of communication. I mean if it was the other way round I could semi understand this behaviour!

It's startling how absolutely ludicrous this behaviour appears to Nons. Just earlier today I had lunch with some family members who asked how things were and for them this was a real sticking issue and they found it pretty appalling. So much was the level of disbelief that my 6ft 4" cousin made a truly heartfelt offer to go round to my ex's house to get my stuff back.  Now my ex is no tough man! Even by his own admission he is a little weakling and if I sent my cousin round it would traumatise him!  Luckily for him I'm more reasonable than I probably should be and declined the offer... . But it got me thinking - they behave like this and expect no consequences?

Oh and I MUST tell you this. This morning I remembered something that I hadn't thought of in months. At the end of our first date he gave me his expensive designer watch which I had commented on earlier in the evening. He said "Here, take this". I said "Your watch? Why?"", he goes "Because now we HAVE to see each other again". WOW.

[Trick1004]

My ex and I lived together for 3 years so a lot of our stuff was mutual. When she pulled the plug wanting to move back to her parents at the end of the month when our lease was up, I told her "if that's what you want leave now. I don't want to see you again, feel free to get your stuff while I'm at work".

Over the course of about 4 weeks I would come home from work and find her things in various stages of being packed and slowly moved out. It sucked.

After finally moving out and leaving her key on the table I remember being surprised at the random things of hers she left behind and the random things of mine she took.

She left a couple presents I got for her during our relationship as well as some random odds and ends of mine that aren't important. She took all the kitchen knives, the pillows off her side of the bed, and all the bathroom towels (not sure why she would need any of these at her parents house).

A couple of months ago I found a box filled with her CD collection. Initially, I was going to just dump it in the trash but after thinking about it for a couple of weeks sent her a text if she wanted them (she's into her music and I couldn't quite make myself dump them in the trash, not sure how she left these behind). She did and asked when she could come by to get them. I had already boxed them up and shipped them to her parents house.

Double whammy, she took the day to day stuff to remind me she was gone while leaving a few gifts from me to remind me she was gone.

Can't rationalize crazy.

Trick

[Turkish]

She left some ceramic "love" things she had made for us. Obviously I didn't expect her to take them. I finally threw the one in her former bathroom out, as it had our names and "love" on it. I was using it to hold the kids' toothbrushes. I finally tossed it.

She also had a few mugs made with pictures of us and S4 as he was a baby. I was going to toss them, and then though i'd save them fir the kids (the originals are buried back a few years on FB, and I was always a prolific picture poster). I might be keeping them for me, I don't know. It might be better to toss them at some point. The less questions the kids ask later, the better. A few months ago, it would have been cathartic to take the mugs into the woods for target practice, but my anger is sloowly fading, and I don't want to go backwards, though there's still a few pics on the wall I might burn, out of sadness now rather than anger.

I finally put a bunch of tea boxes and paraphrenalia in a bag to take to her mom's tomorrow. She was so into tea. I'll be nice and take it, rather than tossing it.

I've put off doing a complete purge of the entire house, though I should set myself a goal of doing it by summer's end. I tossed some of her books, but there are probably some lying here and there, skeletons of memories best forgotten.

[letmeout]

I don't know why BPDs do this. It took a court order and one year to get my ex to return my stuff. He even sold some or gave it away.

In his twisted mind, it was all about revenge. He still brags to this day how he ripped me off in the divorce.

I'm just happy that he gave our kids their pictures of them growing up, instead of throwing them away!

[free-n-clear]

She also had a few mugs made with pictures of us and S4 as he was a baby. I was going to toss them, and then thought I'd save them for the kids. I might be keeping them for me, I don't know. It might be better to toss them at some point.

   You should save those, Turk. Pack them away safely out of sight, out of mind. At the end of the day, she's still Mum, and I'm sure the kids would appreciate a keepsake like that. For all her faults, you were a family once, and that's a very important part of your kids' history.

A few months ago, it would have been cathartic to take the mugs into the woods for target practice.

   If you find you MUST do this, do it William Tell style.    (I'm kidding, OK? Keep 'em for the kids).

[BlondeRunner]

A further thing I considered today is whether withholding belongings is a weird sort of power play in that they want you to beg and plead for them, knowing full well it is down to them whether we can have them back or not?

[letmeout]

A further thing I considered today is whether withholding belongings is a weird sort of power play in that they want you to beg and plead for them, knowing full well it is down to them whether we can have them back or not?

You have a point there BlondeRunner, my ex still keeps a box of my stuff with my name on it, but he refuses to give it to one of our kids to give it to me.  I don't know whats in it, probably a bomb. LOL  I really don't want to know!

[ScotisGone74]

On the comical side this whole Belongings topic reminds me of the Seinfeld episode where George hides something at this girl's apartment so he can use it as an excuse to talk her into another date.      As funny as it is that's exactly what BPDs do as well.   

[free-n-clear]

On the comical side this whole Belongings topic reminds me of the Seinfeld episode where George hides something at this girl's apartment so he can use it as an excuse to talk her into another date. As funny as it is that's exactly what BPDs do as well.

    Yep, George was definitely a loose unit!    Now that I think about it, my uBPDxgf was in the habit of leaving clothes, etc. at various peoples places.

[Inside]

…crazy stuff – I’d either find my stuff piled outside her door (twice, at least), or find her ‘hanging onto’ something she knew I’d want back.  At least twice we recycled after connecting to collect my stuff... .  

Toward the end, I knew better than to leave anything at her place … and it became obvious that every time I left, carrying bundles of stuff and making multiple trips – this could be the last

But, she owes me money … just enough that I want it back, if on principle only.  And since she’s owed it for over two years, and has used ‘small checks’ in the mail with loving inquires as to ‘how I'm doing?’ … I suspect ‘That’s’ what she’s now kept of mine.

I’d watched a video once that shown a BPD female with ‘trophy photos’ of her various male conquests … and think I recall hearing how they like to keep various trophy’s…  Flat-out weird …at least they weren’t blood slides  

[mitti]

Toward the end, I knew better than to leave anything at her place …

Same for me although I had no idea that it was towards the end. But it made me feel uneasy to have lots of my stuff at his place because he had refused to return things during a previous break. I never wanted to go through that again and so after having got back together and when our r/s was starting to fall apart I made sure to take my things with me each time I left his house. The only stuff to be returned this time around were some of his things at my place.

[Inside]

The only stuff to be returned this time around were some of his things at my place.

It seemed I was pretty good about making sure she didn’t leave any of her stuff at my place.  Or, the next time I’d see her I’d hand it back.  Had ‘her fish’ for several months …which she happily retrieved one evening before emailing me the next day that “It’s over”…  Actually, neither of my daughters could stand her, so they’d be the first to hand me anything she’d left

Of course there were little things she’d given to me, stuff I’d keep in my car or the headboard of my bed to remind me of her.  I had the hardest time getting rid of those…  But after many recycles, I got better at purging.  It took ‘strength’ to chuck some those items, but I’d had it with her.  I have hung onto ‘my ring’ (though we didn’t get married, we’d wear rings), though she’d chucked hers fairly early in the r/s ... . but that was likely easier for her – she hadn’t paid for them!

…and I’ve chucked her ‘love notes’ … seems all I’ve got are some photos, and if it wouldn’t leave gaps in my albums, I’d stash them.  Weird though, the rare times I look at them I see an entirely different, even evil person.  Strange, too, when I’d give her prints (nice portrait like shots I did) – she’d quickly stash them in a treasure box, and never display them… wonder if that ‘box’ has my name on it  

[letmeout]

I feel like keeping pictures of them is like inviting them back into your life somehow.

I certainly don't want that to happen again! I admit there are probably some in my storage unit, but it is very good that there are none in my apartment.