hurtful words

[overperceiver]

So I suspect that my father has BPD. He also has terminal cancer and went to rehab for alcohol and drug addiction about 10 years ago. He came to visit me on the other side of the country last week and completely snapped at me for a small comment I made after enduring his relentless emotional put downs. He was drinking moderately all week and when I went to talk to him the next day about his anger, he told me that I was still hurt from when I was a little girl (I'm 21) and that I knew nothing about the world if I thought he had anger issues. I told him that I thought I deserved to be treated a certain way and that if I wasn't being treated that way, I would point it out to people. He accusingly asked me how that was going, which was incredibly insulting and hurtful as I have just recently gotten out of an incredibly abusive relationship.

He apologized the next day, a few hours before I dropped him off at the airport to go back home. However, I am having a really hard time letting his words go. He completely discredited everything I have put so much effort into. It hurts so much to have to repeatedly realize that I will never be able to gain his approval, even if he tells me he is proud of me.

Is there anybody else who has had a BPD father say things such as this to them that they have a hard time letting go of? Any coping suggestions? I don't want to dwell on it, but I'm having a hard time.

[ItsNotYou]

Hi overperceiver, I don't have an answer but didn't want your post to go unacknowledged in some manner. Perhaps some consolation that he saw fit to apologize? I would never get that from my uBPD sibling.

I'm sure there are a multitude of people who admire what you've accomplished but your Dad just doesn't and can't appreciate it, that is the nature of BPD. It might also be the projecting aspect of BPD and his dissatisfaction with his own lack of achievements so he puts you down. You probably get support and acknowledgement from friends and other family which helps validate what you've achieved. Maybe think of it as that was the package your Dad came in and it is what it is. It's his loss in not being able to celebrate your successes with you. This won't change what happened or the package your Dad comes in. A package doesn't extend beyond the extent of its wrapping, maybe that's a mental model that you can use, your Dad's hurtful words stop at the packaging.

[Window]

overperceiver,

My mother is very similar in her behavior. I am 38 and sometime still have a hard time letting go of it.

But I will say that eventually it gets a lot easier once you have built a new family. Now that I have good friends, a strong marriage, and wonderful kids, I don't feel nearly as hurt as I used to feel. In addition to having all their love and support, I have also learned to be happy with who I am. Getting my mom's validation isn't so important now. I can see know how wrong she is--I am a really good person 

I don't think that the sting of my mom's words will ever totally go away but it is much easier now to compartmentalize them. They don't play in my head like a broken record like they used to. Also, I can much more clearly see her and her actions for what they are: the immature acts of a child that was once hurt really badly. She has never grown emotionally like most people grow. While that doesn't excuse her behavior, it does allow me to have some empathy and understanding for her.

[Window]

My best advice to you, focus on building your own, new family--friends and a future spouse who love you for who you are. Having a support network is the best thing ever.

[HappyChappy]

   Overperceiver love the name by the way. In answer to your questions, yes and yes again. I'm guessing most people with BPD parents will have felt that way. I was convinced I was adopted, I was so unable to get any approval. But by understaing BPD's you'll start to see that it has nothing to do with you. It wouldn't have mattered who your Dad's kids were, they would never have gotton approval.

But you'll need to go throught the journy of validating your odd childhood, which your question has begun. Then on to grieving it (i.e. the Dad you should have had, but never did) and at some point you will accept and let go of these hurtfull fealings. The good news is you've started that journy. A good book, or Therapist may well make that journy easier and quicker. As do good friends. This forum, certainly helped me with validation, and you'll inherit brothers in arms on this site (and sisters). Welcome on board to the road to recovery.

[funfunctional]

HI,

21 years old and your whole life is ahead of you!   

Have you ever seen the Lion King?  Quote:  I guess you need to figure out how to "put your past in your behind".    Not sure if it was Timon or Pumba that said that.

Your dad is human and made mistakes whether he wants to admit them or not.   There is a communication divide between the two of you as I find it people are "jumping" all over simple comments it is not about those comments but probably comments/emotions and issues from the past.      He may even feel like a failure but won't admit it. Difficult to say what goes on in someone else's mind and maybe you have more insight than me.    I know many BPD people are like children.    Young souls?   Difficult to say.

How do you want to "leave it"?   You said he is terminally ill.   What will help you thru your life?   Would you like to walk away by telling him once "I love you" or "i forgive you".    Maybe to tell him exactly what you wrote here (modified of course).    It's not necessarily about him at this point - I am thinking what do you feel you need to do to be at peace and be able to build your own amazing life.

[Ziggiddy]

Hi Overpreceiver 

I can imagine just how painful it is to go through what you are feeling. I too have a father who just has not got the capacity for approval. I am 45 and the sting has still not gone out of it. i don't think he has BPD but he certainly has a good number of narcissistic qualities. It doesn't seem fair does it? It can feel like all the things you do are not good enough and rarely if ever get credit.

No doubt he is in a painful place - it must be heartrending for both of you to be facing the cancer issue and the drinking and/or drugs will certainly not be making things easier in your r'ship.

HappyChappy makes some excellent points

:

   by understaing BPD's you'll start to see that it has nothing to do with you. It wouldn't have mattered who your Dad's kids were, they would never have gotton approval.

But you'll need to go throught the journy of validating your odd childhood, which your question has begun. Then on to grieving it (i.e. the Dad you should have had, but never did) and at some point you will accept and let go of these hurtfull fealings. The good news is you've started that journy. A good book, or Therapist may well make that journy easier and quicker. As do good friends. This forum, certainly helped me with validation, and you'll inherit brothers in arms on this site (and sisters). Welcome on board to the road to recovery.

I knew nothing about the world if I thought he had anger issues. I told him that I thought I deserved to be treated a certain way and that if I wasn't being treated that way, I would point it out to people. He accusingly asked me how that was going, which was incredibly insulting and hurtful as I have just recently gotten out of an incredibly abusive relationship.

It hurts so much to have to repeatedly realize that I will never be able to gain his approval, even if he tells me he is proud of me.

It can seem as though you're reaching out for validation and all you get back is sarcasm and the idea that your feelings are not important.

I am sorry you are going through this pain and it's easy to say to just forget it and move on but if you were able you would have done that already.

Can I ask if you have read any of the articles here? You may find it useful to do some research to understand the causes of your father's behaviour as well as some useful tools to protect your own heart from being repeatedly hurt.

Here is a link to a board that discusses believing in ourselves that I found helpful and validating.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=78298.0


I would also add in my welcome here  - it's a safe place to explore the problems that you have and find support and encouragement from members who understand how difficult it is to work on  difficult r'ships 

Is your dad taking steps to address his drinking/drug habits at all? Do you see him or talk to him often? (I see that you live quite a distance apart)

Please keep posting - it really helps

Ziggiddy

[Blimblam]

So I suspect that my father has BPD. He also has terminal cancer and went to rehab for alcohol and drug addiction about 10 years ago. He came to visit me on the other side of the country last week and completely snapped at me for a small comment I made after enduring his relentless emotional put downs. He was drinking moderately all week and when I went to talk to him the next day about his anger, he told me that I was still hurt from when I was a little girl (I'm 21) and that I knew nothing about the world if I thought he had anger issues. I told him that I thought I deserved to be treated a certain way and that if I wasn't being treated that way, I would point it out to people. He accusingly asked me how that was going, which was incredibly insulting and hurtful as I have just recently gotten out of an incredibly abusive relationship.

He apologized the next day, a few hours before I dropped him off at the airport to go back home. However, I am having a really hard time letting his words go. He completely discredited everything I have put so much effort into. It hurts so much to have to repeatedly realize that I will never be able to gain his approval, even if he tells me he is proud of me.

Is there anybody else who has had a BPD father say things such as this to them that they have a hard time letting go of? Any coping suggestions? I don't want to dwell on it, but I'm having a hard time.

He may or may not be BPD.  He is going through cancer and he is confronting the possibility of death.  That has its own set of process of dealing with it and he may be having his own trouble and used unhealthy coping mechanisms.  It is common for people to undermine  what other people are going through being perceived as insignificant compared to their own trouble and be resentfull if you are vocal about it while they are repressing their emotions. Also he is your dad and if he is a Dad that isn't good with expressing emotions he may just be afraid of being vulnerable in front of you. That still doesn't make any of his actions right.  He ended with an apology and that leaves you a good starting point to reingage from to get more clarification in the future.

At the core of his issues they are much the same as yours... .shame, fear, guilt. 

It is extremely frustrating trying to have a real moment with parents that only see what they want to see. It also brings about a lot of shame that you aren't good enough. Which get internalized.  It is good you recognize that because dealing with these issues are the kind of thing that will prepare you for having healthy relationships in the future