Hi Overpreceiver
I can imagine just how painful it is to go through what you are feeling. I too have a father who just has not got the capacity for approval. I am 45 and the sting has still not gone out of it. i don't think he has BPD but he certainly has a good number of narcissistic qualities. It doesn't seem fair does it? It can feel like all the things you do are not good enough and rarely if ever get credit.
No doubt he is in a painful place - it must be heartrending for both of you to be facing the cancer issue and the drinking and/or drugs will certainly not be making things easier in your r'ship.
HappyChappy makes some excellent points
:
by understaing BPD's you'll start to see that it has nothing to do with you. It wouldn't have mattered who your Dad's kids were, they would never have gotton approval.
But you'll need to go throught the journy of validating your odd childhood, which your question has begun. Then on to grieving it (i.e. the Dad you should have had, but never did) and at some point you will accept and let go of these hurtfull fealings. The good news is you've started that journy. A good book, or Therapist may well make that journy easier and quicker. As do good friends. This forum, certainly helped me with validation, and you'll inherit brothers in arms on this site (and sisters). Welcome on board to the road to recovery.
I knew nothing about the world if I thought he had anger issues. I told him that I thought I deserved to be treated a certain way and that if I wasn't being treated that way, I would point it out to people. He accusingly asked me how that was going, which was incredibly insulting and hurtful as I have just recently gotten out of an incredibly abusive relationship.
It hurts so much to have to repeatedly realize that I will never be able to gain his approval, even if he tells me he is proud of me.
It can seem as though you're reaching out for validation and all you get back is sarcasm and the idea that your feelings are not important.
I am sorry you are going through this pain and it's easy to say to just forget it and move on but if you were able you would have done that already.
Can I ask if you have read any of the articles here? You may find it useful to do some research to understand the causes of your father's behaviour as well as some useful tools to protect your own heart from being repeatedly hurt.
Here is a link to a board that discusses believing in ourselves that I found helpful and validating.
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=78298.0 I would also add in my welcome here
- it's a safe place to explore the problems that you have and find support and encouragement from members who understand how difficult it is to work on difficult r'ships
Is your dad taking steps to address his drinking/drug habits at all? Do you see him or talk to him often? (I see that you live quite a distance apart)
Please keep posting - it really helps
Ziggiddy
