Feedback please...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Ok,

I don't know if this should be moved to a different thread... .  if so I'm sorry. 

I am like everyone else here, I doubt what I do endlessly, have to learn to validate myself again basically as I'm used to being wrong and to blame for everything.  I have a few things I would like your opinions on just from a, been their seen that perspective if this sounds familure. 

Son wanting to call mum.   

I decided ages ago I wasn't going to stop him from calling his mum, I set out ground rules for myself on when and where or the extent that I would allow contact.  Essentially when I know she is at uni I text her to call back when free.  On weekends I just call but let him know only once a day.  Since I have allowed this he KNOWS he gets one call and this morning asked to call and then I said now?  He then said later after fruit.   (Lunch... .)  I have never had her let him call me, I don't know if he has asked or if he doesn't feel comfortable asking but not once have I received a call.  This isn't about me, I understand he has to feel comfortable and if she is not happy with him calling that will cause stress when he does ask and she will say no.  Kids pick up on these things hence he wont ask.  What has your experience been with this? 

I know his 2 and a half and cant communicate properly yet I just want him to feel safe asking for these things around me.  I dont want him to shutdown and not express his wants and needs around me hence I allow him to call. 




OK... .  this one I want to do something about as the more and more I see the dynamic it involves it just makes me sad.  I have mentioned it before but essentially hia line of "mummy always comes back" that he uses.  By itself ita fine, he also says "daddy always comes back".  He started this a bit after mummy line however I have encouraged "daddy will always love you" and "mummy will always love you" sort of as others.  I validate what he is feeling and saying with yea she will, always buddy.  Anything to not verbatim repeat what he is saying. 

Slowly our son says this less and less around me, he talks to me fairly fluently as either daddy or my first name.  I am not opposed to this (first name... .)  as long as he's comfortable I am happy.  I have been seeing a pattern though whenever ay dropoffs, its painful as he often will not want to leave and sometimes crys when I tell him back to mummys for dinner etc.  Every time I am positive and talk about things in a happy way.  On a few occasions he has said "no no no no"  when pulling up in the car.  I don't know how to validate this and tell him mommy loves him and daddy loves him etc etc.  This seems to work well. 

The problem I see is at the door I knock, mum comes to the door and he will stand there and his first line is always, "mummy always comes back?" More as a question than anything.  Every time without fail it draws a happy face and she repeats in a joyous tone  "yes mummy always comes back".  Our son then and only then steps through the door and goes for a hug.  Today he had a big day with lots and lots of play.  He had a nap in the car on the way to mums and then I handed him over semi-asleep.  He stirred looked at mum and me, automatic sort of confusion on his face and then looked at mum and said, "mummy always comes back?"  Cue the response and he looks calm.  I am walking off and he calls, "daddy no no" 

I tell was lost at this point I didn't want to walk back but so wanted to walk back.  I said, "its ok buddy daddy loves you and ill see you on the weekend, have a good dinner".  His reply is "daddy always comes back?"  Automatically she repeats this with a nuteral tone, sort of quite and waves at me for me to keep leaving.  Off I go feeling like hmmm... .well shizen  his waving to, don't initiate further contact. 

The way I'm seeing this after a month or two, basically our son says this to "sooth" his mother and judge her mood.  It gets a happy response from her and makes her predictable then he knows its safe... .  I so want to call her on this behaviour but if it works for him to get a safe place with his mum and sooth her should I take this tool away from him... . 

Am I overanalyzing this?  Should I say something or just keep documenting how the behaviour changes and develops ? 


Typing from my phone so the spelling is horrid at present I'm sorry.  Thanks for thoughts in advance. 

[Aussie JJ]

Ok,

I don't know if this should be moved to a different thread... .  if so I'm sorry. 

I am like everyone else here, I doubt what I do endlessly, have to learn to validate myself again basically as I'm used to being wrong and to blame for everything.  I have a few things I would like your opinions on just from a, been their seen that perspective if this sounds familure. 

Son wanting to call mum.   

I decided ages ago I wasn't going to stop him from calling his mum, I set out ground rules for myself on when and where or the extent that I would allow contact.  Essentially when I know she is at uni I text her to call back when free.  On weekends I just call but let him know only once a day.  Since I have allowed this he KNOWS he gets one call and this morning asked to call and then I said now?  He then said later after fruit.   (Lunch... .)  I have never had her let him call me, I don't know if he has asked or if he doesn't feel comfortable asking but not once have I received a call.  This isn't about me, I understand he has to feel comfortable and if she is not happy with him calling that will cause stress when he does ask and she will say no.  Kids pick up on these things hence he wont ask.  What has your experience been with this? 

I know his 2 and a half and cant communicate properly yet I just want him to feel safe asking for these things around me.  I dont want him to shutdown and not express his wants and needs around me hence I allow him to call. 




OK... .  this one I want to do something about as the more and more I see the dynamic it involves it just makes me sad.  I have mentioned it before but essentially hia line of "mummy always comes back" that he uses.  By itself ita fine, he also says "daddy always comes back".  He started this a bit after mummy line however I have encouraged "daddy will always love you" and "mummy will always love you" sort of as others.  I validate what he is feeling and saying with yea she will, always buddy.  Anything to not verbatim repeat what he is saying. 

Slowly our son says this less and less around me, he talks to me fairly fluently as either daddy or my first name.  I am not opposed to this (first name... .)  as long as he's comfortable I am happy.  I have been seeing a pattern though whenever ay dropoffs, its painful as he often will not want to leave and sometimes crys when I tell him back to mummys for dinner etc.  Every time I am positive and talk about things in a happy way.  On a few occasions he has said "no no no no"  when pulling up in the car.  I don't know how to validate this and tell him mommy loves him and daddy loves him etc etc.  This seems to work well. 

The problem I see is at the door I knock, mum comes to the door and he will stand there and his first line is always, "mummy always comes back?" More as a question than anything.  Every time without fail it draws a happy face and she repeats in a joyous tone  "yes mummy always comes back".  Our son then and only then steps through the door and goes for a hug.  Today he had a big day with lots and lots of play.  He had a nap in the car on the way to mums and then I handed him over semi-asleep.  He stirred looked at mum and me, automatic sort of confusion on his face and then looked at mum and said, "mummy always comes back?"  Cue the response and he looks calm.  I am walking off and he calls, "daddy no no" 

I tell was lost at this point I didn't want to walk back but so wanted to walk back.  I said, "its ok buddy daddy loves you and ill see you on the weekend, have a good dinner".  His reply is "daddy always comes back?"  Automatically she repeats this with a nuteral tone, sort of quite and waves at me for me to keep leaving.  Off I go feeling like hmmm... .well shizen  his waving to, don't initiate further contact. 

The way I'm seeing this after a month or two, basically our son says this to "sooth" his mother and judge her mood.  It gets a happy response from her and makes her predictable then he knows its safe... .  I so want to call her on this behaviour but if it works for him to get a safe place with his mum and sooth her should I take this tool away from him... . 

Am I overanalyzing this?  Should I say something or just keep documenting how the behaviour changes and develops ? 


Typing from my phone so the spelling is horrid at present I'm sorry.  Thanks for thoughts in advance. 

[OutOfEgypt]

Am I overanalyzing this?

Hehe.  If you have to ask that, then the answer is probably yes .  It sounds like he is just more bonded to you.  My daughters are like that, especially my youngest.  She tells me, "I don't even want mommy.  Only you, daddy."   When I go pick them up from their mom's, she doesn't want to even say goodbye to her mom.  I try to encourage it as best I can, and I try to talk to her about what she's feeling, but its just how it is.

I almost see him saying, "Are you kidding me?  I have to go with her?  But daddy, you are my security."

[Aussie JJ]

All of us have these stories, its horrible.