Figuring this out

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I still cant understand how she can can behave so evil. Its so weird. One week she loves me the next week she hates me. It was a month and went to court yesterday and she was just nasty.  She seemed so together. Should have seen it coming. She moved out three times when I was at work, without any fights with her and myself. I still cant belive how she is acting. I guess Im still trying to hold on to that damn dream. I know she has problems but crap this is nuts.

[peiper]

I still cant understand how she can can behave so evil. Its so weird. One week she loves me the next week she hates me. It was a month and went to court yesterday and she was just nasty.  She seemed so together. Should have seen it coming. She moved out three times when I was at work, without any fights with her and myself. I still cant belive how she is acting. I guess Im still trying to hold on to that damn dream. I know she has problems but crap this is nuts.

[LettingGo14]

I still cant understand how she can can behave so evil. Its so weird. One week she loves me the next week she hates me. It was a month and went to court yesterday and she was just nasty.  She seemed so together. Should have seen it coming. She moved out three times when I was at work, without any fights with her and myself. I still cant belive how she is acting. I guess Im still trying to hold on to that damn dream. I know she has problems but crap this is nuts.

I'm really sorry you are hurting, peiper.   Applying logic, and our rational minds, to the disorder and the devastation is impossible.   My brain felt like it had a glitch as I cycled from anger to fear to pain to love in a vicious loop.

Initially, it's like our lives have been forever altered by an emotional bomb.  We cannot answer "why."  If we try, we remain in rumination.

I'm not saying you need to do anything differently now.  Just give yourself a break.  It's a disorder, and the devastation is real.

That said, you survived, and you are putting one foot in front of the other.  We are in this together.  Keep reading, keep posting, and keep re-framing your frame of reference.   

[peiper]

Thanks brother, I need to keep hearing this beause Im still thinking of  that stupid dream

[eniale]

You say:  "I still cant understand how she can can behave so evil. Its so weird. One week she loves me the next week she hates me. It was a month and went to court yesterday and she was just nasty.  She seemed so together. Should have seen it coming. She moved out three times when I was at work, without any fights with her and myself. I still cant belive how she is acting. I guess Im still trying to hold on to that damn dream. I know she has problems but crap this is nuts."

She behaves as she does because she has BPD.  They know right from wrong, but still choose to do wrong, evil.  Yes, it is weird.  That is because her brain does not function as a normal person's would.  Understand this:  you cannot expect normal behavior from her.  She is mentally ill.  About the one week she loves me, next week she hates me -- that is the push/pull, typical BPD behavior.  She is both terrified of intimacy (the pushing you away) and terrified of abandonment (the pulling you back.)  Being nasty typical.  "She seemed so together."  My exBPD was very accomplished; spoke several languages fluently, musician, etc.  BUT BPD/NPD.  Again, do not confuse accomplishments and being "together" with being a normal person.  Some accomplished people ARE normal, but not ALL.  Don't blame yourself for "not seeing it coming."  I knew my ex was very hard to get along with, never in a million years did I suspect he was seriously mentally ill.  Her moving out/moving in... .have a friend who was with BPD woman; she did exactly the same thing.  Do yourself a HUGE favor and don't try to "Hold on to the Dream."  That is exactly what it is:  a dream; your perception of who she is is just that, only your perception, not who she really is.  And VERY IMPORTANT:  breakup so painful as all the push/pull created a Trauma Bond.  You need to read about this to understand why breakup from a mentally ill person is much harder than breakup from normal person.  Lastly "This is crap, this is nuts"... .yes, exactly.  If you can afford it, therapy really helps.  It is worth it even though expensive.  You may need professional help to untangle yourself.  Best thing is to go NO CONTACT.  I am 17 mos. free, despite his numerous emails; I have not answered them.  I know I was lucky he finally revealed his true self when he did something so outrageous that I sought professional help.  Good luck to you!

[I Am]

I know exactly how you feel.  For me it is the slipping back into the delusional attraction phase where she puts on the hard sell that she can't live without me.  I forget the coal black eyes with a wicked smile as she describes some pain she cause me.  I forget the emptiness inside her and remember the intimacy or how wonderful she made me feel when she was desperately trying to lure me back. 

I have been struggling for almost two years now to really end it.   My friends are all so tired of us both.  They can't take me taking her back anymore.   This board is a godsend.     We just need to focus on the reasons to quit so to speak anytime we feel we might let them back.   I wish you the best.  I keep hoping this time is my last... .

[Mutt]

It's not about good or evil, it's about about a primitive defense mechanism due to a disorder that protects them from their core abandonment wound. She is splitting, I'm also sorry to say pieper it's not about you either, she's not self aware enough that she's doing that. Being on the receiving end of this hot and cold behavior is difficult and it's a difficult pill to swallow when someone we care so much about acts this way and accept that they are ill. It takes time for the heart to catch up with your head. Give yourself a barrier for awhile and go no contact so your heart catches up and repair the heart. Read as much as you to understand the disorder and it'll start to make as to why she does what she does.

[beachlover]

The push/pull is the worst. It's like you're getting back into where you thought was a good place then at the drop of a hat, literally even without talking to them they completely change. I blocked my ex for 2 months when she then reached out saying that she was pregnant before we stopped talking and got an abortion. I was literally the only person out of my closest friends and family who believed her. I do not believe her anymore as nothing adds up. She always freaked out yelling and screaming every time I asked for documentation. She told me she wanted to get back together and then bam she didn't. It all leaves everything so confusing and seeking an answer to questions that have no answer.

[peiper]

She got a restraining order for a year, I guess thats a good thing. Still sad though.

[beachlover]

She got a restraining order against you?

[peiper]

Yep

[myself]

I guess Im still trying to hold on to that damn dream.

She's hanging onto her dream, too. It's just not the same as yours.

When she feels like she is waking up, her patterns make her start to dream again. As you're waking up, you can choose to stay awake.