Multiple marriages/ divorces /serial daters and some general questions

[Youcantfoolme]

Is it common for those with BPD to have been married two or more times? That, or they are serial daters and seem to always have to be in a long term relationship? The BPD that I know, has been married and divorced twice and is on her third marriage, to my brother. After her second marriage failed, it seemed like she went from one relationship to the next. She met a guy pretty much immediately after her divorce. Coincidentally that guy lives next door to a family member of ours and told her that, the BPD wanted to rush the relationship (much like she did with my brother). He said shE wanted him to move in after only a few months of knowing one another (same as my brother) also that she was pressuring him to marry her, from very early on in the relationship but he just wasn't ready. Instead, they lived together for a few years. He finally broke it off with her because he couldn't take her controlling ways and jealousy. He wasn't allowed to go anywhere without her (which is also happening with my brother now.) After him, she met another guy. He moved in as well. I don't know what caused their breakup.

It seems she follows the same pattern with every guy though. She wants them to be 100% committed before they even know her. I guess so she doesn't have to mask her true self for too long.

Also, every single guy she has been with has been significantly younger than her. I don't know if this is just a coincidence or if it's done consciously. The guy who lives next to my relative, was almost a decade younger than her. The other ex, was a few years younger and she is about three years older than my brother. Is this a power thing? She's older and more experienced therefore putting her in a position to have complete control? Or is because she is at the same maturity level as so done younger?

I'm just curious to know if this is something that's specific to her or all BPDs.

[findingmyselfagain]

Hi youcantfoolme,

Everyone is different, but stormy relationships can be one of the defining qualities of someone with BPD. I used to think my mother definitely was not BPD, but now I'm not as sure. My mother is definitely not emotionally stable. Her marriage to my father wasn't that great, and now I see more of how she impacted that marriage. My stepfather was abusive and definitely not a nice fellow. She hasn't been married again since he passed away. My exfiance was divorced twice at 24 y/o when I met her. Her divorce was barely final for a month when I started dating her. I was also pressured for marriage very early on, and pressured to be her daughter's adopted "daddy." I really should have had stronger boundaries, but at the time I was vulnerable with low self-esteem/weak boundaries and I didn't know what love really was. I was attracted to the love-bombing and intensity but I ignored the times she mistreated me or that we argued over something I really could not understand. We were engaged at 4 months in the r/s and just 5 months later she destroyed the relationship. It was a whirlwind and 4 years later I think I'm just starting to understand it. She's in her 20s so most of her boyfriends/SOs have been older than her. I was 6 years older when I met her. The next guy was 13 years older. Maybe she uses her relative youth to attract older men? As far as I know she hasn't married again.

[claudiaduffy]

I'm just curious to know if this is something that's specific to her or all BPDs.

I couldn't say. My mom is uBPD, fairly high-functioning and healthier than some, and has been separated from my dad since he moved out about five or six years ago. She won't pursue divorce and is not interested in other men. Dad hasn't pursued divorce mostly because he's chronically broke. But my husband's mom is uBPD/NPD and a pretty intense piece of work, and she just remarried, less than a year after losing her husband of 50+ years, to someone she met online. Despite our mothers both being pretty obvious BPD sufferers, they are quite different from each other, and their responses to being without their husbands reflects that difference.

[Youcantfoolme]

Finding myself, I swear if you didn't mention her age I'd really think you were talking about my brothers wife!

[findingmyselfagain]

Crazy, isn't it? I hope things turn out ok for your brother. There are success stories out there. I would have tried to stay with my ex and work through things. I wondered if it was me for a long time. I believe she is too insecure and stuck in her pattern to have a truly stable LTR. It saddens me to think anyone could be so tortured by the one thing we all want. My compassion was one of my hooks. I do feel bad for her. Now I'm looking for someone who can give me the same kind of love I can offer.