back to counseling

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I took a much needed step and made a counseling appointment for tommorow.  I have been seeing the same T for several years now but I haven't went for months.  I knew I should but kept believing since she didn't know him she wouldn't understand.  She is famlier with BPD and knows that I have been through hell with him.

What I am embarrassed to admit is that I'm still in love and obsessed with this man.  We will never get back together and I don't even want too.  I am in reality on that.  I have educated myself on the disorder and know there is no hope of him changing or forgetting what he has been capable of.  I need her help on stopping the hyperfousing and obsessing about why it happened, what I've been though, trying to figure out what were lies and what was real etc.

I need to accept it happened and his love wasn't real and MOVE ON.  I haven't made any progress in my recovery and nothing in my life is working out.  I need help and am finally reaching out beyond this board.  This board has helped me so much but I am keeping myself sad and isolated by using it as my only resource.  I am proud  for finally admitting to myself I need more help and trusting to tell a real person with how bad off emotionally I am.

I have gotten rid of all emails, pictures and texts but have held on to a bag of love letters and notes from him.  I'm going to have her take a look at a couple so she gets how in love with me he appeared to be.  He was obsessed with me and claimed he would do anything to keep me forever.  I know now that he loved the idea of me and our relationship but it had nothing to do with me personally and he was incapable of treating me decent consistently let alone doing "anything" to keep me. 

I want her advice on how to have enough courage to destroy them.  I feel like letting go of them will destroy what little self worth I have left. There will be no more proof that someone actually loved me what appeared to be unconditionally, thought I was beautiful and perfect and admired everything I did.  Having low confidence I believe what he told me many times, that no one will ever love me as much as he did ever again.

They need to go because they are a reminder of all the lies, losing who I thought was my soulmate and not helping my recovery process. 

Can anyone relate?  Has counseling been as benifical as you've hoped?  What has been the most helpful and the most frustrating about your T?

As always, thanks everyone for your support, your compassion and your advice, and for just GETTING IT.  Feeling understood and not alone has been the most help of all.

[Promises]

I took a much needed step and made a counseling appointment for tommorow.  I have been seeing the same T for several years now but I haven't went for months.  I knew I should but kept believing since she didn't know him she wouldn't understand.  She is famlier with BPD and knows that I have been through hell with him.

What I am embarrassed to admit is that I'm still in love and obsessed with this man.  We will never get back together and I don't even want too.  I am in reality on that.  I have educated myself on the disorder and know there is no hope of him changing or forgetting what he has been capable of.  I need her help on stopping the hyperfousing and obsessing about why it happened, what I've been though, trying to figure out what were lies and what was real etc.

I need to accept it happened and his love wasn't real and MOVE ON.  I haven't made any progress in my recovery and nothing in my life is working out.  I need help and am finally reaching out beyond this board.  This board has helped me so much but I am keeping myself sad and isolated by using it as my only resource.  I am proud  for finally admitting to myself I need more help and trusting to tell a real person with how bad off emotionally I am.

I have gotten rid of all emails, pictures and texts but have held on to a bag of love letters and notes from him.  I'm going to have her take a look at a couple so she gets how in love with me he appeared to be.  He was obsessed with me and claimed he would do anything to keep me forever.  I know now that he loved the idea of me and our relationship but it had nothing to do with me personally and he was incapable of treating me decent consistently let alone doing "anything" to keep me. 

I want her advice on how to have enough courage to destroy them.  I feel like letting go of them will destroy what little self worth I have left. There will be no more proof that someone actually loved me what appeared to be unconditionally, thought I was beautiful and perfect and admired everything I did.  Having low confidence I believe what he told me many times, that no one will ever love me as much as he did ever again.

They need to go because they are a reminder of all the lies, losing who I thought was my soulmate and not helping my recovery process. 

Can anyone relate?  Has counseling been as benifical as you've hoped?  What has been the most helpful and the most frustrating about your T?

As always, thanks everyone for your support, your compassion and your advice, and for just GETTING IT.  Feeling understood and not alone has been the most help of all.

[mace17]

Promises,

Good for you taking that step! Its not always easy but it will help.  I was going to a therapist and she was very helpful but then me and H got into an argument and I admitted that I had been going to a therapist, he said it was making things worse and he could tell there was more distance between us (mind you, he didn't even know up to this point) and said if I wanted to make things work with us I should stop seeing her.  Idiot that I am, I cancelled all future appointments.  I really should go back now that I realize how much H manipulated me, but it's hard. 

You are right, it is always better to talk to a real person, and I am hoping that it will help you move on.  Be strong and you will get there!

[OutOfEgypt]

If it was not for my T and all the work I have done with him, I would probably still be with my ex and still be believing that I'm a loser and cannot do any better.

My T specializes in ISTDP -intensive short-term dynamic psychotherapy.  I've been to many counselors over the years.  This approach has been the only one that has made a lasting dent with me and helped me to work through all of my emotions and such.

[Promises]

If it was not for my T and all the work I have done with him, I would probably still be with my ex and still be believing that I'm a loser and cannot do any better.

My T specializes in ISTDP -intensive short-term dynamic psychotherapy.  I've been to many counselors over the years.  This approach has been the only one that has made a lasting dent with me and helped me to work through all of my emotions and such.

that's great!  I will ask mine if she's heard of this therapy.  I'm gonna show her this board and maybe my posts so she gets the extent of my emotional pain and how much support this board has been for me.  I feel like I've made no progress in 4 months of NC despite learning a lot here. I'm excited to share with her and get her feedback on methods to help myself.  I should have been going this whole time but I've only been to see her a few times this year.  I need this!

[Caredverymuch]

If it was not for my T and all the work I have done with him, I would probably still be with my ex and still be believing that I'm a loser and cannot do any better.

My T specializes in ISTDP -intensive short-term dynamic psychotherapy.  I've been to many counselors over the years.  This approach has been the only one that has made a lasting dent with me and helped me to work through all of my emotions and such.

that's great!  I will ask mine if she's heard of this therapy.  I'm gonna show her this board and maybe my posts so she gets the extent of my emotional pain and how much support this board has been for me.  I feel like I've made no progress in 4 months of NC despite learning a lot here. I'm excited to share with her and get her feedback on methods to help myself.  I should have been going this whole time but I've only been to see her a few times this year.  I need this!

Promises, good for you for realizing that you need to see your t and that there is work yet to be done.  I would not exactly say I found it a frustration but I will share that I was trying so hard to " figure it all out" in therapy that I was not focusing on me. I kept asking about him. About BPD. If he really ever cared about me.  How could he be with someone else so quickly.  How could he forget me.  Why?  All those ruminations.  I think I was hoping that some hidden answer would be obtained that would make it all ok. Something I could attach and hang hope to. 

And my t would help with some of the d/o answers I needed.  But would bring the focus back to me.  Me?  Why do we have to talk about me? I'm not the one with the issue.  And I need answers about HIM.  Not me.  But you know, therapy is about anyone else but you.  So, I am thankful for what my t helped me see and truly own that. 

  One thing she said to me in response to my expression of the immense and constant hurt of the devaluations was this.  "Where else have you felt that way before?"   Well, no where to the degree I did from this BPD interaction, but... .I did focus on that question and recognizing where I felt devalued in the past.  And there is where the healing began.  You see, its not about them anymore.  Its about us now.  Its about you now. 

So, we all have our own reasons somewhere inside as to why we stayed in this r/s when we knew we were being mistreated.  And none the reasons we were being mistreated.  Had anything to do with us.  As we well know by now, its the trigger we were to someone who was traumatized long before we came along.  There was nothing we could have done to change the outcome. If there were, this site would not exist.  Nothing. Focusing on that helped me. It also helped me to know that the love was indeed so genuine that it caused the trigger.  We all know this by now.  If we were emotionally distant and domineering and detached.  There would be little triggering.  Because thats not intimacy.  We were love. This helps me to heal and to empathize.  To understand that which the heart cannot.

We are people of value.  We were from the day we were born.  So, this is a time now to rewind our lives a bit.  Reflect.  Be mindful.  And rewrite your story going forward.  And if there is a benefit in the pain of the BPD r/s that was endured.  Thats it for me. I hope it may be for you as well. 

[myself]

Promises,

You HAVE made progress already. You're taking steps, educating yourself, reaching out to your T to find solutions. While we're healing, we're also grieving. There's a lot to get to. We need to remember to be patient, accepting that it will take time. I've been dealing with this lately, too. "Why aren't I farther along by now?" I found that by even asking the question, I'm already farther than I thought. Seeing a T has been very helpful. Challenging and validating. Dig deep, and be honest. Because what really helped the most? Seeing Myself. What am I afraid of? What can I do about it? Then the follow through. It's more about today than yesterday.  

[patientandclear]

Promises -- maybe a small point, but I don't think you have to start from the premise that you have to get rid of the love letters.  I totally understand where you're coming from on needing tangible proof that you were led to feel you were so deeply loved. For that reason I haven't discarded any emails or the few hard copy notes and gifts my ex gave me -- it feels scary to get rid of all proof that I wasn't crazy.  I didn't just make it up.

You can always get rid of them.  But for the time being I would put no pressure on yourself to do it or to do it sooner than you really want to.  I'd say they are serving a logical and necessary role for you for the time being.

I think one way BPD makes partners nearly crazy is that you end up being the only surviving witness to something very important that happened between you and another person, who is now denying directly or by action and implication, what went on or its significance.  So these tangible proofs really are quite important insurance against us attacking our own memory and sense of reality.  I wouldn't beat yourself up for hanging on to them for now.