My x is using silent treatment to break me in public - what can I do?

[mitti]

For weeks now I have been on the receiving end of some very fierce silent treatment from my uBPDxbf, and I have found out the purpose is to punish me, payback for hurting him.

We broke up 1,5 years ago and up until about 1,5 months ago I never saw him. Since the breakup my x has refused all forms of communication. He has only informed me he wants nothing to do with me, will not greet me when out, I can't greet him, I am not to contact any of his friends etc. Now I see him everywhere I go, specifically at these dance classes held by a long time friend of mine, whom he is wanting to impress.

The whole situation is bizarre. The dance is very sensual and you have to partner with everybody there. So we dance together but he will not acknowledge me as a person. Last time we attended the same class I confronted him because this silent treatment is affecting me both mentally and physically quite badly.

He ignored me to begin with but I guess his anger towards me triggered him to answer back in the end. So he turns to me, very angry, and says he will not treat me respectfully after all I have done to him. When I asked what it s that I had done he just said I had done lots of things to him, which he kept repeating. I asked him to specify telling him that all I could see, painful as that is, was that we broke up. He became agitated. I left.

The teacher, my friend, has said there is little he can do and he just wants me to ignore my x and continue coming to the classes. I understand my friend doesn't want a conflict but it seems to me there already is one.

I finally think I understand though what my x is so hurt by and so I so for now I have sent him a text trying to validate his feelings and saying it was never my intention to hurt him hoping this will abate his rage somewhat.

What can I do?

[Skip]

1. Apologize.

2. Accept it.

3. Act normal

Maybe in time he will ease up.

Apologizing (not justifying, not horse trading) is a good thing to do.  Accepting the silence without escalating or returning in kind is also good. No reason you can't say hello when you meet (don't fret about not getting an answer).  No reason why you can't thank him for the dance (don't fret about not getting an answer).

Being unaffected by the silent treatment will take the "payoff" that he is getting from your reaction, away.

[mitti]

Hi Skip and thanks for your response,

I have pretended to be unaffected by it for weeks but all the same it is having an effect on me, both physically and mentally. And how do you act normal in the face of abuse?

What I mean is that we are always told to kind of just put up with silent treatment and yet when having it done to us, most would say that they would prefer physical abuse, which would never be tolerated. I don't understand why we are told to tolerate it when it feels so intolerable.

And I have been doing exactly what you suggest all of this time. I have said 'hi' despite never having an answer or even a look my way, I have danced with him and accepted that he will not even look at me, thanked him and no answer, but it seems to be wearing me down faster than make him give it up.

Why should I apologize for? What for? I haven't done anything wrong but I realize that he can be hurt anyway.

[mitti]

Is there no other way to deal with this than doing nothing at all? Is it always impossible to evoke empathy in a pwBPD when painted black?

I feel like my soul is dying. My life just feels unreal to me - distorted and bizarre!

:'(

[patientandclear]

Hi Skip and thanks for your response,

I have pretended to be unaffected by it for weeks but all the same it is having an effect on me, both physically and mentally. And how do you act normal in the face of abuse?

What I mean is that we are always told to kind of just put up with silent treatment and yet when having it done to us, most would say that they would prefer physical abuse, which would never be tolerated. I don't understand why we are told to tolerate it when it feels so intolerable.

I would love to hear thoughts about Mitti's excellent question here.

Mitti, my own thought is that what people say about physical abuse is that you should remove yourself.  You can end it by not being present to receive it.  It is actually within our control to end it. So it is a good fit for the application of "boundaries."

Silent treatment doesn't work that way.  It is NOT within our control to end it.  It is only within our control to end its meaning by ending the relationship ourselves, even if only in our own mind.  But we cannot stop the behavior, abusive though it may be.

PwBPD obviously prefer that we not challenge or call out ST and thus many people recommend smiling in the face of it, not reacting, not bringing it up when it mercifully comes to an end, because that "works" better.  In the sense of, speeding re-regulation of the pwBPD and peaceful restoration of the r/ship.

And people have noticed empirically that ignoring the ST and in fact continuing to reach out occasionally, warmly and without pressure, often brings it to a quicker conclusion.

I agree with you though that if ST is abusive ... .what are the emotional and mental healthy implications (for us mostly) of just taking it?  Never objecting to it?

[mitti]

Thank you P & C,

It feels as though it is not considered a big deal by the people around us though I doubt most even notice because very very few people at these dances classes even know that my x and I know each other, much less that we were ever a couple.

But the dance teacher knows and sees it and prefers that I just ignore it. I suppose this is where I feel uncertain about what is reasonable. Had my x been physically abusive at the classes, too rough, or had he refused to partner with me, he would be confronted on this. But not on the ST. I have taught classes as well, and I am not completely sure, but I think I would have addressed this somehow. But this is hard for me to consider from the outside.

But asking the teacher and my friend, to do something, leaves me feeling as though I am the problem.

It is NOT within our control to end it.  It is only within our control to end its meaning by ending the relationship ourselves, even if only in our own mind.

As we are already not together and he has only expressed a desire to remain that way, there is not way I can change anything, short of not turning up to the classes, which is not an option since my dancing represents me having my life back, taking care of myself. I am also making a lot of friends there, which is making this feels easier,  but also a little harder as I don't want people to know what is going on.

His agenda seems to be only to make me feel uncomfortable and that is working although I didn't show it until the other night.

[mitti]

So last night I had a conversation with my sister about what has been going on (regretted it immediately) and she insists that ST is not actual abuse as he isn't doing anything and I can make no demands on the teacher to talk to my x about his behavior in class.

She compares it some people around her that she doesn't get on with. She can't even understand why it affects me.

I feel this is a part of the problem around ST, that most people just don't consider it either abusive or detrimental, unless maybe between those you share a house with, work with etc. So why not those that participate in the same activities as you... .?

[patientandclear]

Mitti -- your sister's viewpoint suggests a complete lack of understanding of this dynamic.  I hope you won't worry about it.  Whether we label it "abuse" or "mental torture" or "manipulation" or "excruciatingly painful" ... .the fact is, he is taking actions intended to make you uncomfortable -- he's made that pretty clear -- and he IS making you uncomfortable.  Almost anyone would be, including your sister if she ever experienced the r/ship history you have with this man, and then had him showing up in her "safe place" and pledging not to treat her respectfully because of some revenge agenda.

Setting aside whether what he's doing is painful or manipulative (it is ... .), there is the question of what to do.  I really advise you to avoid a power struggle with him.  You have a lot more to lose than he does in this venue, and he knows it.  I think you really have two choices, knowing that the instructor is not inclined to bar him from participating.  Either attend, be as polite as you feel like being in terms of casual contact ("hi" but otherwise ignore his antics; or take a hiatus.  I know you don't want to quit these classes, nor should you need to.  But why not appear to?  I suspect your ex will fairly quickly lose his motivation for dancing, if you were to take, say, 6 weeks off.  I know you don't want that break and it may feel like letting him "win," but it is really a short period of time to try to achieve some peace of mind.

If you can shake him with a short break like that, wonderful, and you can resume.  (Maybe just ask your teacher if you can check in in 5-6 weeks to see if he is still attending so you know when it is comfortable for you to resume attending.)  If he is still coming at that point, or if he returns after you resume, we can assess what to do at that point.

But I really really advise that you not hinge your own actions on getting him to change his.  That is precisely what he is assuming will keep you needing to deal with him.  He seems to want to achieve some control over you by occupying this activity that means a great deal to you, and requiring you to deal on his terms if you want it to be pleasant and comfortable.  You are not going to out-maneuver him if that is his objective.  I think you need to give up short term hope of controlling this environment and either accept the current situation or step away for a bit, or this is going to make you crazy

[mitti]

I can't stay away without losing most of the work I have done, the network of friends I have built up, and meanwhile I would give him all the space he needed to do that himself without 'interference' from me and I am quite certain that he would, or try to do. He doesn't make friends easily which happens to help me a little.

I don't think he will stop coming if I no longer turn up. First, of all he does have a separate interest in dance and he will want to keep doing it because strangely enough, I think it represents freedom for him as well, and secondly, he knows I will come back. I have been dancing for most of my life and a lot of those years professionally so he knows this is not something I will give up.

Today I feel as though the fact that he does this in public might help me. There's a risk that other participants will feel uncomfortable or uneasy about this. Since I am not the one refusing to say hi or interact this may get him to change because apparently these classes are so important to him.

[myself]

It's obvious you love and feel to be there. Here's another angle:

Is it a class that can be seen as having a finish line at some point?

Focusing on today, knowing that up ahead it will definitely change?

Continue being yourself. That's the truest thing you can do.

It's difficult to go through what you are, and handle it as well.

It's inspiring, and I hope with time you'll find some peace in this.

[mitti]

Hi myself,

No, unfortunately all these classes are drop in classes. There will be courses that run over 10-12 weeks when the summer is over but a lot of people just continue taking the drop in classes because you don't have to commit to coming every week. Same for me.

He turned up at yet another different class yesterday. I went there actually feeling sure that at least I wouldn't run into him. At the other classes he knows the teacher, my friend, a little from before. But last night he didn't know anybody, nor can he have known I was going to be there. I went there the week before but these classes still had their summer break then so it's not like either of us was there first.

Since I am not bothering him and haven't asked to meet or to sort anything out since early June this cannot be about that. Nor do I think he would stalk me. I think he really is into the dancing and getting to piss me off is just a 'lucky' coincidence for him.

For now I will continue to say hi and talk to him about whatever routines we are learning and hopefully, he will either start to interact or it will become so noticeable to others that the teachers will feel forced to talk to him. Because the whole thing is just unreal and bizarre.

It scares me that a person can take it to this level, that he has the capacity to do this.