Acceptance: from others and from oneself

[Woolspinner2000]

It's been a few weeks since I visited this site due to drama and emotional drain and my need to just plain old rest from it all. First from visiting FL family and my uBPD mom's home (she passed away 2 years ago). My step dad hasn't been able to change much of anything in the home, and when I stay there... .I'm always overwhelmed from her decorating style and there's no rest for me anyplace. It's so busy and dark, reflecting what went on inside of her. An example of her dysfunctional decorating includes 32 mirrors (3 of those being half wall or full wall mirrors) inside and outside of her home. I'm tired just remembering it now! Even her kitchen cupboards had a series of 3 mirrors on each door, and I only counted the door as one mirror. And I felt like I got sucked back in, with my step dad's needs and those of my sister and her family. Walked away feeling like I had undone all the therapy of my getting stronger, but I know that's not true. It's just the tiredness setting in.

Then my husband creates drama in our own home, for me and our children. I've only recognized in recent months as I've continued in therapy how similar he is to my uBPD mom. How shocking to finally see that his control was just like my mom's! I chose to marry him because I was comfortable with him, a no brainer I now realize when considering how comfortable I had become in surviving under the ruthlessness of a pwBPD. Thankfully he is not like her in all areas, but when my mom fit all 9 of the criteria listed in the DSMIV for BPD, his matching some characteristics still triggers similar reactions in me as it did with my uBPD mom.

To get to the point of my post, I've been thinking of how much I struggle in wanting to be accepted by my friends, co-workers, and family members. Even when my co-workers accept me (they are wonderful loving people), I really fight accepting it and believing that it can be true. When I can finally admit to myself that they do accept me, even then I still have this feeling within of struggle, that no one really truly fills that need I have to be accepted. That then led me to realize something of greater importance: it isn't really about them accepting me; it's about me accepting myself. Hmm... .there's the rub, that I fight accepting me, deep down inside. I don't have the answers to that one yet, but it is a revelation to understand that this is another step towards healing from all the years of hurt, first beginning in childhood and continuing on into marriage for 30 years. Do any of you guys have the same struggles both of being accepted and/or accepting oneself as a result of being a child of a BPD parent?

[Kwamina]

Hi Woolspinner2000 

Thanks for sharing your story. I can definitely see why you were triggered so by being in your mom's house. Sounds like being transported back in time to the place that contains so many bad and painful memories for you. When you're tired your emotions really can overwhelm you, I'm happy you realized that too and at least on a rational level know that all your hard work in therapy wasn't for nothing. Just think how hard and overwhelming this experience might have been for you without all the hard work you put in

I'm sorry that your husband seems to exhibit certain BPD-like features too. Do you feel like he is aware of the inappropriateness of his behaviors? What behaviors of him bother or trouble you the most?

The need for approval can often be very powerful, especially in children of a parent with BPD.   For instance if a parent is hypercritical and or withholding of positive (re)affirmation of their child, this can cause us to try to do everything we can to get their approval. We might not even be aware that we are doing this. What I find interesting about your post is that you not only highlight the need for approval but also the reluctance to accept approval. I can very much relate to that. First you might do everything you can to get someone's approval and then when you (finally) get it you doubt that it's real because you might tell yourself things like: "If they knew the real me, they'd probably never accept me." or "They must have made a mistake because how can someone approve of me." Even when your BPD parent has died as in your case, it could still be that we keep repeating these kind of messages to ourselves inside our head. Do you feel like your mother was hypercritical of you or reluctant to acknowledge any good qualities in you?

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Kwamina,

Thank you for responding to my post. To answer your first question, my husband knows through our conversations that he has many similar behaviors to my mom.  I choose to not get super specific with him because of the anger, depression, and sullenness that results in him. I stay in generalities with him for that is the safest. I'm sure you can probably relate, for we all learned what we had/have to do to stay safe. The behaviors of his that bother me the most, and our children as well, would be his control, his inability to listen to us, and his not wanting or valuing our opinions. He is always right, thus we are wrong. We are all learning what it is to set up boundaries with him finally in this past year.

What you said about the possibility of a parent being hypercritical or withholding of positive affirmation is interesting. I can remember my mom saying some nice things to me sometimes. My dad tended to be critical too. The inner message that I usually tell myself when I'm given approval is usually along the lines of, "They don't really mean that. They are just saying it to be nice for the moment." Or the never ending, "I am not the person that they think I am; I'm still not doing enough or trying hard enough." And that all goes back around to not being able to trust. A vicious circle isn't it?

From what I can remember (and so many of my memories are still buried with large holes in between), my mom was so negative and raging that it outweighed the positive by far. Currently I'm working in therapy on learning to receive the positive. It is so weird to want to run away from the positive things said to me, for you'd assume it to be easy to absorb them and be blessed. That is the power of the effects a pwBPD has upon their children.

Woolspinner

[Ziggiddy]

Hi Woolspinner

I read your post with a good deal of interest as well as a wave of sadness. It is painful to see when people find it hard to believe in themselves as a worthwhile and valuable human being and I resonate with that and feel sorry for the sense of loss  it can and does create.

How awful for you to feel undervalued especially if the source is your parent(s) whose healthy loving role should be to affirm and reflect that worth back to you.

I was very very intrigued by what you said about the decor in your mother's house and the mirrors. My own uBPD mother has a terrible hoarding problem and in amongst the stuff (and stuff and more stuff!) there is a strong theme of animal skin designs - zebras and leopards and tigers etc Maybe some of this is based in her African heritage but it never occurred to me that it might be more. I think you might be right.

I'm always overwhelmed from her decorating style and there's no rest for me anyplace. It's so busy and dark, reflecting what went on inside of her.


Do any of you guys have the same struggles both of being accepted and/or accepting oneself as a result of being a child of a BPD parent?

Very interesting analysis. One that will cause me to do some reflecting!

As far as recognition of the struggle of self acceptance - I hear you! Oh how I hear you. I have many many reasons, like you to believe that I have good qualities and affirming friends and rationally I know you don't come by these without some inherent positive traits ... but do I believe them in my heart? I struggle. My own voice feels low and whispery and it's drowned out by the voice of my undervaluing folks who are just not satisfied. Then I feel self critical for being so needy and not being able to find it in my OWN self to cherish myself.

Despite working hard on recovering self esteem I can feel like this. But I have hope! And that's enough for now. For me, leastways.

Do you think when you hear the things you say to yourself they are really authentically true? Are you able to separate up what you may have heard and adopted from your folks with your own voice?

I have a friend who, like you has lost her  BPD mother who was told by her therapist "Now that your mum is no longer hear to harangue you, do you take over the job and do it to yourself?" That really got to me. And then exploring the reasons I felt more comfortable with painful self criticism than celebrating my uniqueness. Maybe mum and NPD dad can't find it inside themselves to affirm me - why not take THAT job on instead? 

Do you think it is important for you to reach perfection? Or something like? And if you did, would you feel like that'd be enough?

I would wish for you to see and know that it's ok to not be good enough - heck who of us is? Some people are quite happy to just bumble along and trust other people to overlook their failings the way they try to overlook everybody else's! It's ok to not be 'good enough' 

I am impressed with your self awareness and that's a real gift.

It's that much harder when your spouse has similar traits too isn't it!

I've been thinking of how much I struggle in wanting to be accepted by my friends, co-workers, and family members. Even when my co-workers accept me (they are wonderful loving people), I really fight accepting it and believing that it can be true. When I can finally admit to myself that they do accept me, even then I still have this feeling within of struggle, that no one really truly fills that need I have to be accepted. That then led me to realize something of greater importance: it isn't really about them accepting me; it's about me accepting myself. Hmm... .there's the rub, that I fight accepting me, deep down inside. I don't have the answers to that one yet, but it is a revelation to understand that this is another step towards healing from all the years of hurt, first beginning in childhood and continuing on into marriage for 30 years. Do any of you guys have the same struggles both of being accepted and/or accepting oneself as a result of being a child of a BPD parent?

As far as your friend sand coworkers go, although it's hard for you to believe that they really do appreciate and like you, I have found a useful 'tool' or perspective is to think something like this:'Well I don't believe I'm that great but they seem to and if that is their belief who am I to argue? They are entitled to think well of me even when/if I don't!" Not sure if that's any use to you.

I also think Kwamina makes a really good point about the power of approval. And it's so healing if we can focus on the things we do and say that we are proud of. Even if they're small.

Anyway I hope you are able to get some sleep and have some happiness seep in - you deserve to happy.

Best of luck

Ziggiddy

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Ziggiddy,

Thank you for your kindness and consideration in your response. I've been encouraged, comforted, and challenged in both your response and in Kwamina's. It is good to know that you have that same understanding, that acceptance can be tough. Glad to know I'm not alone!

My mom, like yours, also had a fascination with animal prints. Not only did she decorate with them, but she also frequently added clothing with animal prints into her wardrobe. Of course not everyone who wears animal prints has a PD, but I believe my uBPD mom was also histrionic and always dressed to attract attention, and draw attention she did! Just another interesting aspect of the nuances which BPD can take.

I liked what you said, "Then I feel self critical for being so needy and not being able to find it in my OWN self to cherish myself." I too have felt so much the same. What a great thought to work on cherishing myself! Definitely I have lots to learn yet.

Both you and Kwamina challenged me to think about what I not only heard but what I took away as a result of the criticism in my childhood. I'm trying to be okay with thinking back to what I DO remember, what was said to me, and see if I can remember more to help put extra pieces in place. I also went back to a BPD site thread called "Remembering the Abuse-when is it therapeutic? When is it debilitating?" There are a lot of great thoughts within that thread that are a personal challenge and hopefully an aid to continued healing for me. Lately I've been in a slump in which I've been questioning if this is all real or only imagined, struggling with denial. While I understand the facts, it is my current state of trying to cope with the stress around me that is causing me to doubt myself. I can feel myself having a wall of protection around me right now, so similar to the feeling I had while growing up, in my FOO. It is a wall that shuts down the ability to feel and gets one into the "I just need to survive mode." Quite different to be here as an adult, but in the end the opportunity to walk through another area that I've not yet explored which is good.

Thanks,

Woolspinner