Mutual friend had a go at me..

[Narellan]

Last night was pretty rough. I was about to drive my son into town, just minding my own business and a couple of the husbands of mutual friends of mine and my former best friend ( my replacement) were very intoxicated in my driveway and asked me to drop them off at a party. Vey drunk. I dropped them off and one of them stood at my car window and told me to patch things up with my former best friend and said " get over it"

I've never had any conversation with them since our friendship ended. I told them it was nothing to do with them. They told me how upset she was. I drove off and cried all the way into town.

This is why I stay home and hide. No one knows what my friend has done to me or the other affair she's having with their married mate. I'm the bad guy. It really sucks. I look like I'm being childish and overreacting, and she has obviously filled them in with a heap of BS.

It's been 4 months and I just think this stuff will never go away. Every mutual friend I bump into will have been given some story by her that I can't defend without exposing her for who she is. It really upsets me to think this will never end.

Meanwhile exBPDbf has happily moved on with someone else with no thought to the damage he's caused.

Thank god I'm going away on holidays in a few days. I really need it.

[Emelie Emelie]

Narellen I admire your strength.  What if you just told her i know your were sleeping with X and I can't accept that.  She doesn't have to know how you found out.  She probably suspects you know anyway at this point.

[myself]

If you feel to speak your truths, you should, without hiding.

If you feel to keep it to yourself, you should, without hiding.

People who don't know the real story don't know the real story.

Sometimes we don't speak up because we don't want to look bad.

But if it makes you feel worse to stay quiet, that's not really better.

If speaking up exposes her, those were her actions, and they're on her.

[Narellan]

Quote "If you feel to keep it to yourself, you should, without hiding.

People who don't know the real story don't know the real story."

This is what I have to do. This is the right thing to do. The mutual friend she has been having the affair with has a beautiful family, and his wife is my friend. It would devastate a lot of people. And I know that devastation. I experienced that first hand when she carried on with my exBPD behind my back all the while lying to me. I won't do it, but yes it causes me pain to hold these secrets. And I look petty if I bring up my exBPD. It's no win for anyone to expose her. Maybe in time her true colors will show and then people will understand me and my position.

Thankyou Em. I don't feel strong at all when this stuff happens. 

[maternal]

Generally, time reveals all.  It sucks to wait... .but it's better than sharing other folks' business like that.

Stay strong, I'm sure those that have a go at you today will see the light soon enough... .

[blissful_camper]

Hi Narellan,

I've been in that spot before and it can be uncomfortable. My ex best friend used to do the same thing to me.  When I dropped her she smeared me and played victim.  It dragged on for months and months, until she found another target.

You decide who's in your life, not your mutual friends. 

When mutual friends suggested that I "get over it" I simply said that I wished my ex friend the best and that my ex friend and I didn't have enough in common to sustain a friendship. 

That was pretty effective in shutting all of them down. 

[Narellan]

Thanks BC. I've tried to avoid any contact with any mutual friends for months as its way too painful to hear her name even mentioned after her betrayal. I thought I was feeling better about it, but the pain is still just below the surface. And it's entwined with the pain of losing my exBPD so it set me back a bit last nights event. The drunk friend won't even remember saying it, so ill just forget it happened. But it hurts to know they are talking behind my back that I'm the cause of the friendship breakdown. Ill try your approach, it's no ones business the reasons behind it. Thankyou 

[Mutt]

I lost a lot of friends during the smear campaign it's not fun nearly everyone. Igot messages on how a monster i was with emotional, physical and financial abuse from one mutual ex friend. Stories of projected actions belonging to my ex. Smear campaigns usually before they leave and this was going on for months I suspect, when she met the replacement in the r/s.  

I agree with maternal, the truth has a way of working it's way out. There are 2 sides to every story and if people are emotionally immature and can't give me the respect and ask. It questions my motivations as to why I would need trusted friends like that. I'm sorry but i don't need people like that in my circle. Being out of a lengthy toxic relationship has changed my values. Life is short and I don't have time for toxicity and immaturity.

Smear campaigns do die down. Saying something like "get over it" is incredibly invalidating with what you went through. I'm sorry. Doesn't a statement like that sound like it would come from an emotionally immature person? You know him when he's sober. Don't feel bad about distancing yourself if you do, I distance myself from those ex friends, friends and family as well. It was a time for me to heal and get myself back together and I was incredibly hurt. I tend to be a hermit and sort through my feelings. When I'm ready I know and I become more social again. That's who and how I am.

Today I make new friends and the truth will eventually come out on its own time but by that time, i likely won't care. I'll be busy in my new life. I have my friends I've know for decades, close and honest friends. Their the ones worth hanging unto. They stood by me with ex's malarkey and didn't question me because they really know me. True friends.

Hang in there Narellan.

[Narellan]

Thanks Mutt

I need to filter my " friends" now. Some are best out of my life. I'm starting a new job in 2 weeks, and going away for a beach holiday in a few days. Good time to rejuvenate and reflect.

[Mutt]

Thanks Mutt

I need to filter my " friends" now. Some are best out of my life. I'm starting a new job in 2 weeks, and going away for a beach holiday in a few days. Good time to rejuvenate and reflect.

You're welcome Narellan. My   goes out to you. I felt like I was knee deep in pain and freaked out with all of the crazy stories that where going around. None of it was in my character. I was being blamed for her actions. I was in a session with my P and she said ":)on't worry about that stuff, that belongs to her not you Mutt, you can't control that" It helped and I disengaged from all of it, cleaned house with my life The beach holiday will do you a lot of good. You deserve it. Congrats on the new job. Rise above.