BPD Ex lives 3 doors down Help with recycling concerns

[shellshocked75]

I think I originally posted this in the wrong section so am posting here and would really appreciate thoughts and help!

First let me say how genuinely grateful I am for these boards. I have been involved with three BPD women, one diagnosed and two undiagnosed. In all three instances it was this board that allowed me to continuously reinforce that what was happening was a result of mental illness and not myself. This is the first time I've actually felt compelled to write for support. I know this is a bit long, but I greatly appreciate you taking the time to read it as I could really use your thoughts and advice.

My story begins about three months ago when the woman that lives three doors down from me began making it obvious that she was interested in getting to know me when she would walk her dog by my house. She would go out of her way to wave and say hello and eventually it seemed like she was almost stalking me to try to meet me.

Eventually we met and the conversation went well even though their were several red flags. She started talking about past relationships and how she had in 14 months met, fell for, moved in and also moved out several guys from the small apartment she lived in. From what I gathered it ranged from 30 to 90 days that each of these guys came into her life – moved in with her – and she ended the relationship and moved them out. She had been in a relationship for the past 10 months with a guy that she was currently living with but said she knew the relationship wasn't going anywhere and hinted that she was ready to end it. She also said that for the majority of the realionship they had done nothing but fight.

3 days after meeting me in person she broke up with her boyfriend and we started seeing each other and Quickly the red flags became over the top. The level at which she idealized me was somewhat of a turnoff. She told me she had been obsessed with me for months and would frequently walk her dog repeatedly by my house, and even hang out in front of my porch, in the hopes of meeting me. She told me that when she finally did meet me and when she would come and hang out with me and bring her dog she would go home and smell her dog's head because it still smelled like me where I had been petting the dog. Despite that this woman was incredibly beautiful she would frequently tell me how much "prettier" and more attractive I was than she was. I could easily list 10 other examples of her over idealizing me.

She also had several paranoid episodes that I won't elaborate on, but just totally absurd "out to get me" type thoughts.

Another red flag was her choice in past partners. She was a 31-year-old "perfect 10" whose past partners were significantly younger, significantly less attractive than her, with little to no money or prospects. After talking to her I also found out they were typically sexually inexperienced. One of her more recent boyfriends had been an unattractive 20 year old virgin. It became obvious that she chose people to offset her insecurities and that she could easily control and would be less likely to judge her for being 31 years old, having no career, no checking account, and usually no more than $50 in her account at any given time (she was barely financially surviving). These guys felt like they had won the lottery getting a girl that looked like her who seem to idolize them. She also would move them into her house as quickly as possible to help pay the rent and in my opinion establish even more control.

In spite of all the red flags I began to grow emotionally closer to her because she seemed to have genuine empathy (concerned about how her ex-boyfriend was taking the breakup) and I thought maybe she was a BPD that could help and wasn't so extreme.


All of this led up to an amazing night two weeks into the relationship that we spent lying on the beach together from 10 PM to 3 AM. Even for me, someone without the intimacy issues of a BPD sufferer, I found it to be the most emotionally intimate night of my life and felt almost "emotionally naked" during the experience. For hours we talked about our hopes, our dreams, our fears, the type of life we could have together etc. while at the same time holding each other on the beach, kissing etc.… All intense emotional intimacy without sex. When it was time to go home I dropped her off at her place three doors up from mine and her last words to me were "I've never felt such an intense connection and attraction to a man before, but what really excites me for the first time is thinking about how over the coming weeks, months, and years how close we are going to become and how we are going to learn everything about each other." She then kissed me good night and told me that she couldn't wait to see me tomorrow.

The next day I couldn't reach her until late in the day. When I did she said she was in an emotionally bad place, felt unstable and was afraid of what she might say and had been dipping in and out of consciousness all day. She said she just wanted to be friends and then posted on Facebook that she needed to move. Since she loved her place and it was all she could afford it was an obvious need to get away from me.

Three days later she took down off Facebook that she was moving and I was told by a neighbor she moved a new guy in and was seen around midnight literally skipping around her driveway with him screaming "yaaay" like a small child before taking him inside. The new boyfriend, who I'm not sure knows anything about me or not, is another young guy that fits the previous profile and he now daily walks her dog in front of my house.

This is where I really need some help and advice. The relationship was very short, two months of her being obsessed with me followed by a two week "relationship."  Despite how short this relationship was, this woman had and continues to have a strong emotional impact on me, and I've never been in a situation where an ex – much less a BPD ex - lives three doors down from me. While there's no way she could get me back I'm still highly emotionally reactive to anything related to her and the situation. I'm barely emotionally recovering myself and I fear her trying to recycle me and just having to deal with the emotions relating to contact. Her behaviors since ending this seems strange to me and I was hoping to get some feedback on it.

While in the past it has always been important her to maintain "friendships" with her exes she is avoiding me at all costs. For example, she takes detours and goes out of her way to keep from driving by my house. I can however see her when she does this because the intersection that she turns at is still visible from my house. Last week, while previously she would turn and drive quickly, it seemed that she went especially slowly as if she is wanting me to see her slowly avoiding me (of course this could just be my imagination that she was going significantly slower than usual and it's possible it was another car that was her exact color make and model- but my gut says it was her).

Another thing is that she used to walk her dog frequently and pretty much every single day would sunbathe on her lawn. For the past three weeks, according to neighbors she barely leaves her house and doesn't do any of her prior activities that she used to do even before meeting me when she was with the last guy.

The whole thing unnerves me because I feel like typical BPD behavior would be to be focusing entirely on this new boyfriend and completely put me out of her mind and she would go back to all of her old behaviors before she met me. This makes me a little paranoid that somehow I'm still active in her mind.

My big question is this, is an attempt to recycle likely or do you think she's going to leave me alone indefinitely?  I would think, rationally, I would be the last person she would try to reengage with since I'm her worst nightmare: a guy that she can't control that genuinely cared for her and could offer her a future.

Also, I would rationally think that after what she's done she would assume that there is no chance I would ever want to be with her again.

But I know I'm not dealing with a rational person. Does anyone have experience or insight into knowing whether or not the extreme degree of intimacy we shared makes her more or less likely to try to reengage? Especially since the relationship was so short?

Also, with object constancy issues  and out of sight out of mind is my proximity likely to cause her to reengage? I can only go out of my way to avoid walking by her house on my way to work for so long.  Walking by her house twice a day there's certainly going to be instances where she sees me. My concern is that this is going to create top of mind awareness and increase the likelihood of a recycling attempt unless her memory of the degree of intimacy we shared is able to produce continuous enough fear to keep her away. She talked previously about how she has broken up with every guy she has ever been with and easily walks away and has never had to grieve over anyone and doesn't understand why people suffer when relationships end. My take on this is that she leaves before she becomes too emotionally invested and is so attractive she always has someone new waiting.

To what degree do you think I need to be concerned about a recycling attempts as I'm doing my best to just not think about her and move on?

[Mutt]

Hi shellshocked75,

I'm sorry to hear about the way things ended. That's a hurtful thing with moving the new guy in

All intense emotional intimacy without sex.

There's a certain electricity my wife had when I first met with her. It felt like an intense emotional bonding.

While there's no way she could get me back I'm still highly emotionally reactive to anything related to her and the situation. I'm barely emotionally recovering myself and I fear her trying to recycle me and just having to deal with the emotions relating to contact. Her behaviors since ending this seems strange to me and I was hoping to get some feedback on it.

My ex lives across the street and it's in close proximity like yourself. It was very difficult the first few weeks after she moved out and seeing her with the new guy   I understand. It's the depth of the connection with a pwBPD that hits us very hard.

This article explains how the relationship evolves:

How a Borderline Personality Disorder Love Relationship Evolves

I hope this article is a good primer for you as it was for me in understanding what the heck happened in my relationship and marriage and the sudden painful break. I was gobsmacked with how things ended and you likely feel the same as well. It helped me with re-framing the relationship.

My big question is this, is an attempt to recycle likely or do you think she's going to leave me alone indefinitely?  I would think, rationally, I would be the last person she would try to reengage with since I'm her worst nightmare: a guy that she can't control that genuinely cared for her and could offer her a future.

It's a disorder that is triggered by intimacy. They push the people that care the most away.

BPD BEHAVIORS: Fear of Intimacy

To what degree do you think I need to be concerned about a recycling attempts as I'm doing my best to just not think about her and move on?

I have been split black. Sort of like you said out of sight out of mind. My ex dissociates and currently she doesn't see any of the positive values in me and sees negative values or undervalues me. I have never had her validate an attachment due to the new bf falling out but there are many members that have said that they will from time to time try to validate your attachment with them to see if you are available.

What do you plan on doing? Are you planning to go no contact to give yourself time to heal and space to do that?

[Learning_curve74]

Hi ss75, I agree with Mutt, and the articles he's suggested should be "required reading". After reading the two links Mutt provided, you may want to check out this one too: Relationship recycling.

It takes two people to have a relationship. What are your intentions? While there are many traits and characterstics that people suffering from BPD share, they are individuals and do not necessarily all react the same way to similar situations, so it is impossible to predict what she will do. However, you can decide what you value and what you want in your life and act in ways that are in line with your inner values and desires.