I'm scared. Husband cant let go

[flower211]

so I posted my story on the introduction to this forum but here goes anyway they married my husband for 14 years him and his family has always been kind of crazy his mom his always gone through fits of rage is and depression and always attached to one particular person and played favorites and back and forth um we always knew there was something wrong but recently to about 2 years ago my husband's father who is a narcissistic himself had an affair on my mother in law which my husband accidentally discovered on Facebook and everything blew up in the end up losing their house and she is now living in apartment and still not legally divorced he's living with the other woman is a crazy situation and she's even more chaotic than ever and I've had shingles twice dealing with the stress of her marriage falling apart and her own crazy making behavior anyway my problem I'm having is my concern my husband I see the craziness of his mom that we read the book I've read the book understanding the borderland mother I tried to get him to read it but it's too painful for him I try to bring up these things and the similarities in childhood with what I'm reading about border lines in her behavior all of it matches up perfectly and it's so painful for him to look at these things he can he can hardly handle it he's starting to more- we recognize is it able to handle it but it's still really hard to see your own mother is being that uncaring and unempathetic sadistic narcissists sick so well I think she's right now in the wave mode but she goes between being a waif and the Queen.

what we want more than anything is to move forward with our life and get away from his family his two older brothers that are very screwed up by his parents a borderline mother in a narcissist father and she does not want to give up her test for air control on or on any of her sons that typical she doesn't want them to have their own identity in life is very difficult and we're in the process of saving our money so that we can move but I'm afraid my husband wants to save money to move and we've been doing it but I'm afraid when the time comes to move (he's in school) finally finished with his degree which we only have 2 yrs left that he remove he'll tell her where we're going and she's going to follow us and we'll never be free from this person parasitic mother of his I know she's is mother and I am grateful to her for that being his mother but she makes me sick. She's demented tormented she has no regard for anyone else but herself.for those of you who have ever had a mother in law or family member with his illness were you ever able to have your own life free from their distorted reality in constant questioning and in imposing on your own life with their insensitive intrusive questions in control and rage? I wonder if moving away would even change it the situation. Another thing is when we wants to move now she's figuring out where and now she wants to relocate to that same area and I were all at a loss all of her children want away from her but feel this overwhelming guilt for feeling these feelings because she is their mother and she doesnt have any skills because they were married for 38 years and she stayed home but that doesn't give her the right to Be a parasite expect her kids to take care of her. Anyway some advice really be helpful or maybe some encouragement? Thanks in advance.

[funfunctional]

WOW!  When the stuff hit the fan with your MIL it really has.   Has she gotten the hint yet?  Does she see everyone wants to move away from her and her husband left her.

I don't know if you will get the peace you want without you employing strategies to deal and block out her behavior and it's impact on you and your husband.   Clearly you need boundaries for any relationship with her to exist.   

I am curious about other people's opinion's on this thought.   Question to anyone out there and you too flower211.    What would happen if her husband met with mom and told her that there is a reason why people don't want to be near her.  Why people are pushing her away.   She is basically alone now and I wonder if she NOW will listen?  Am I crazy for thinking of this?  Wonder if she was told she needs help and that she comes across very mean to people.  That your husband wishes she could see herself and get help/counseling?

BTW - my husband shut his mom off completely cause her damage was too bad to forgive.   She is married to an enabler who refuses to get her help.    So shutting down became the only option.

Once they don't have the comfort and confidence of having the "partner" that allows their crime then a lot can change.    ?

[Window]

Moving can help tremendously. The best thing for me was moving away from my mother. I didn't have the strength in me to limit contact until I moved away. The physical distance between us allowed me to establish better metal and emotional boundaries. I often wonder what my life would be like if I had stayed. I think that I would have eventually become just as deranged as she is.

I was lucky--my mom has an intense fear of travel. This fear made it possible for me to only see her once or twice a year for about 15 years.

Keep encouraging your spouse to move. Show him all the benefits, besides getting away from his crazy mother. I am a firm believer in moving away. Plus, a job is a great excuse for leaving I left to go to college, another great excuse that allowed me not to feel as guilty.

[flower211]

Sorry for all the typos in my original post. Im using my galaxy tablet voice-to-text and it jumbles things up.

My mil has always favored my oldest daughter (she is 6) and says things like "she is the only one that understands me"  now she is making a homemade crocheted blanket "special" for my oldest texting me saying its "so she will be remember me by when I'm gone". My sil is hurt by it. Mil has 10 grandkids and refuses to make blankets for any of them, only her favorite,  my dtr. Sil wants mil to love her children too, but it ain't happening.

This is the crap I'm talking about. I see history repeating itself.

Thankfully, sil sees the crazy making behavior and is now reading about BPD.Used to be mil pitting sil and I against eachother, but not now. Her BPD behavior has been exposed for what it is, thought God forbid SHE should ever get wind of our knowledge of her mentall illness.

(Sigh... .)

[P.F.Change]

Hi, flower211, and welcome!

She's demented tormented she has no regard for anyone else but herself.for those of you who have ever had a mother in law or family member with his illness were you ever able to have your own life free from their distorted reality in constant questioning and in imposing on your own life with their insensitive intrusive questions in control and rage? I wonder if moving away would even change it the situation.

I think funfunctional and Window are both on the right track in mentioning the importance of boundaries. It can be very difficult for the child of someone with BPD or NPD to overcome the feelings of Fear, Obligation, and Guilt (FOG) and begin taking care of their own personal and emotional space. There is a lifetime of ingrained habit to overcome. But it is possible. One good workshop to start with is BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence.

My mil has always favored my oldest daughter (she is 6) and says things like "she is the only one that understands me"  now she is making a homemade crocheted blanket "special" for my oldest texting me saying its "so she will be remember me by when I'm gone". My sil is hurt by it. Mil has 10 grandkids and refuses to make blankets for any of them, only her favorite,  my dtr. Sil wants mil to love her children too, but it ain't happening.

How does this behavior affect your daughter--do you think it is healthy for her? What about your other children? Are there any boundaries you might need to establish about treating your children equitably?

Wishing you peace,

PF

[claudiaduffy]

Flower211,

You've got some good stuff from other posters here. I just want to say that it absolutely is possible to get some peace when your mother-in-law is a horrible, abusive pwBPD. In my situation, it came first through my husband (we were not married yet at the time) recognizing the problem in his life. I did not set an ultimatum for him, but I did let him know what I saw in his family, and challenged him to get good counsel from non-family-members that he trusted before we went any further with our relationship. He did this, and eventually (after we married, because of some extreme circumstances) we went no contact with my MIL.

You're already married, but have you considered what peaceable boundaries you can set as you ask your husband to educate himself about the abuse he's allowing? Just because he lets himself be abused doesn't mean that you have to be abused as well. Can you convey to him that you love him, respect his right to live his life as he chooses, but that you will not allow yourself to be abused by your proximity to his abuse? Can you consider making plans to remove yourself physically from the situation to show your husband that A) it can be done and B) you are not willing to participate in his abuse, either?

[flower211]

This is SO hard. My husband is making progress from perspective of seeing his mothers and fathers abusive crazy behavior from a distance. I'm reading the book "Toxic Parents" and I bought a copy for him. But I wont sugar coat it- it HURTS. Reading about the abuse makes the wounds real again and forces us to acknowledge our own pain.

Today mil sent a suggestive suicide note email to my SIL (all sil wants is some space and freedom from mil controlling negative manipulatuve persona) and of course it is a ruse and mil is fine, and now asking sil to "come over and be with me?"

GOD! It makes me so sick and ANGRY and want to cry and rage at the same time. I get that she is deranged, but this is so... .WRONG! To manipulate this way.

we all need therapy!

(I need a good cry too today... .sigh... .)

[claudiaduffy]

This is SO hard. My husband is making progress from perspective of seeing his mothers and fathers abusive crazy behavior from a distance. I'm reading the book "Toxic Parents" and I bought a copy for him. But I wont sugar coat it- it HURTS. Reading about the abuse makes the wounds real again and forces us to acknowledge our own pain.

Today mil sent a suggestive suicide note email to my SIL (all sil wants is some space and freedom from mil controlling negative manipulatuve persona) and of course it is a ruse and mil is fine, and now asking sil to "come over and be with me?"

GOD! It makes me so sick and ANGRY and want to cry and rage at the same time. I get that she is deranged, but this is so... .WRONG! To manipulate this way.

we all need therapy!

(I need a good cry too today... .sigh... .)

I'm sending you hugs and praying that you get a chance for that cry, and for a therapist. (Is it possible for you to get one, if you're not already? They can be super helpful for getting your brain and heart tools to handle this crap.)

[flower211]

I dont have a therapist, but its on my to-do list this month. I need one!

[claudiaduffy]

I dont have a therapist, but its on my to-do list this month. I need one!

Good! Yay!