xwBPD's Crazy Family - red flag

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I won't get into the specifics. As most of you know, I can type up a storm is properly motivated!

I remember when we first got together, his family hated me. No clue why (they still do, and always have). Best I could gather from him was that they didn't like the fact that he "changed" when we started dating. They blamed me for changing him.

Wasn't sure how to take responsibility for that, since I really didn't KNOW him before I had MET him, after all, right? Was beginning to think they were all nuts. How could I have possibly known WHO he was before I had even met the guy?

One day his father said to him (in front of me), "Every time you meet a woman, you change completely to be more like her. It's not the real you."

He, on the other hand, kept assuring me that he had always wanted to be the man he was, with me, and that his family was just too screwed up to know the "real" him. He said for the first time, he could be "himself" with me.

His family was nuts (they cultivated his d/o, after all), and I had no reason to doubt this.

One of the things he'd do was take my opinions on something (specifically with respect to his family), and drag it to extremes. For instance, if someone in his family drank too much, he'd outright attack and insult them for their drinking habits, then say that I was in full agreement with him.

They'd assume I put him up to it, and hate me even more.

I used to come home from these events and tell him he was INSANE. Yes, I didn't agree with someone getting drunk in front of their young children, but I'd never react the way he did, and I certainly never encouraged him to lash out at people for not living up to a standard I set for myself.

He did the a lot, with a number of people in his family, simply because I disagreed with certain lifestyle choices they made. I never felt that anyone deserved to be attacked or belittled for their choices, and I certainly didn't approve of his behavior.

But because it was one of my values, he took it to extremes. His family got this idea that I was a cruel, twisted, judgmental nutjob and has never looked back since.

Not that explaining this to them would help any. They all have BPD and NPD traits of their own and have expressed their desire to have me beaten or killed since I left him.

I just can't believe, now, in hindsight, how many     I missed.

Anyone else have to deal with a bully like this, where they do the harm and you take the blame?

[MommaBear]

I won't get into the specifics. As most of you know, I can type up a storm is properly motivated!

I remember when we first got together, his family hated me. No clue why (they still do, and always have). Best I could gather from him was that they didn't like the fact that he "changed" when we started dating. They blamed me for changing him.

Wasn't sure how to take responsibility for that, since I really didn't KNOW him before I had MET him, after all, right? Was beginning to think they were all nuts. How could I have possibly known WHO he was before I had even met the guy?

One day his father said to him (in front of me), "Every time you meet a woman, you change completely to be more like her. It's not the real you."

He, on the other hand, kept assuring me that he had always wanted to be the man he was, with me, and that his family was just too screwed up to know the "real" him. He said for the first time, he could be "himself" with me.

His family was nuts (they cultivated his d/o, after all), and I had no reason to doubt this.

One of the things he'd do was take my opinions on something (specifically with respect to his family), and drag it to extremes. For instance, if someone in his family drank too much, he'd outright attack and insult them for their drinking habits, then say that I was in full agreement with him.

They'd assume I put him up to it, and hate me even more.

I used to come home from these events and tell him he was INSANE. Yes, I didn't agree with someone getting drunk in front of their young children, but I'd never react the way he did, and I certainly never encouraged him to lash out at people for not living up to a standard I set for myself.

He did the a lot, with a number of people in his family, simply because I disagreed with certain lifestyle choices they made. I never felt that anyone deserved to be attacked or belittled for their choices, and I certainly didn't approve of his behavior.

But because it was one of my values, he took it to extremes. His family got this idea that I was a cruel, twisted, judgmental nutjob and has never looked back since.

Not that explaining this to them would help any. They all have BPD and NPD traits of their own and have expressed their desire to have me beaten or killed since I left him.

I just can't believe, now, in hindsight, how many     I missed.

Anyone else have to deal with a bully like this, where they do the harm and you take the blame?

[bajaloverz]

haha, things that are too good to be true end up being too good.

lack of friends.

[Mutt]

Best I could gather from him was that they didn't like the fact that he "changed" when we started dating. They blamed me for changing him.

His family noticed the mirroring with his partners.

BPD BEHAVIORS:Mirroring

In regards to his family MommaBear. Water seeks it's own level.

[Caredverymuch]

I won't get into the specifics. As most of you know, I can type up a storm is properly motivated!

I remember when we first got together, his family hated me. No clue why (they still do, and always have). Best I could gather from him was that they didn't like the fact that he "changed" when we started dating. They blamed me for changing him.

Wasn't sure how to take responsibility for that, since I really didn't KNOW him before I had MET him, after all, right? Was beginning to think they were all nuts. How could I have possibly known WHO he was before I had even met the guy?

One day his father said to him (in front of me), "Every time you meet a woman, you change completely to be more like her. It's not the real you."

He, on the other hand, kept assuring me that he had always wanted to be the man he was, with me, and that his family was just too screwed up to know the "real" him. He said for the first time, he could be "himself" with me.

His family was nuts (they cultivated his d/o, after all), and I had no reason to doubt this.

One of the things he'd do was take my opinions on something (specifically with respect to his family), and drag it to extremes. For instance, if someone in his family drank too much, he'd outright attack and insult them for their drinking habits, then say that I was in full agreement with him.

They'd assume I put him up to it, and hate me even more.

I used to come home from these events and tell him he was INSANE. Yes, I didn't agree with someone getting drunk in front of their young children, but I'd never react the way he did, and I certainly never encouraged him to lash out at people for not living up to a standard I set for myself.

He did the a lot, with a number of people in his family, simply because I disagreed with certain lifestyle choices they made. I never felt that anyone deserved to be attacked or belittled for their choices, and I certainly didn't approve of his behavior.

But because it was one of my values, he took it to extremes. His family got this idea that I was a cruel, twisted, judgmental nutjob and has never looked back since.

Not that explaining this to them would help any. They all have BPD and NPD traits of their own and have expressed their desire to have me beaten or killed since I left him.

I just can't believe, now, in hindsight, how many     I missed.

Anyone else have to deal with a bully like this, where they do the harm and you take the blame?

You got it right, Momma. The family is the root of the disorder and likely one of his parents is NPD or BPD too.  My ex family hated me too. For no reason.

I read somewhere that BPD/NPD mother's will hate the son's wife because she is threatened by anyone who interferes potentially with the pattern of the dysfunctional dynamics they call normal.

[MommaBear]

You got it right, Momma. The family is the root of the disorder and likely one of his parents is NPD or BPD too.  My ex family hated me too. For no reason.

I read somewhere that BPD/NPD mother's will hate the son's wife because she is threatened by anyone who interferes potentially with the pattern of the dysfunctional dynamics they call normal.

Seriously, this makes so much sense in hindsight. His mother had some messed up ideas about my ruining the "loyalty" dynamic in this family. It was so, SO weird.

[Caredverymuch]

You got it right, Momma. The family is the root of the disorder and likely one of his parents is NPD or BPD too.  My ex family hated me too. For no reason.

I read somewhere that BPD/NPD mother's will hate the son's wife because she is threatened by anyone who interferes potentially with the pattern of the dysfunctional dynamics they call normal.

Seriously, this makes so much sense in hindsight. His mother had some messed up ideas about my ruining the "loyalty" dynamic in this family. It was so, SO weird.

Loyalty=keeping the toxic patterns in place for a NPD/BPD family of origin.  Anyone a little bit healthy has no place.  Or value. And its paid forward in spades.

[seeking balance]

MommaBear,

I could write a mini-series about my ex's family... .and to be fair, my ex was the most functional one of the bunch - I respected that actually rather than seeing it as a 

Family dynamics are tough in all relationships, add the dysfunction of PD's and some alcoholism for good measure - well, there is now win - either adapt to the insanity or leave was my experience.

Looking to the right, 5 stages of detachment - where would you fit that "aha" about the family you talk about? 

I was pretty angry at myself for not wanting to see the red flags until I figured out why I did that.  Do you know why you over-looked them?