He's upset with me...

[Foreverhopefull]

So I decided to join a gym. I got right after work because of my dBPDh... .he's currently on a downward spiral big time so he's very hard to deal with right now... .and truthfully I need the time to recharge before I spend my evening with him (I feel so bad saying this :'()

He's upset, started by pretending to be OK with it and was encouraging (I know deep down he is happy I'm doing this for myself) then the venom hit the fan. Thing is I'm sticking to my guns, I have allot of fun at the gym and I feel great after going. He's not appreciating this but though luck buster.

He's been saying I'm cheating, I just found another excuse to run away from him (grated it's partially true since I'm doing this to regain the energy he's currently draining) and that I'm purposely pushing him to kill himself... .the usual stuff.

I'm not biting, I'm still going to the gym tonight... .I need to conquer the elliptical... LOL I know he's upset about it but at one point he will see that it's for the best.

Granted this is not his usual attitude, like I said he's been in a downward spiral lately.

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[maxsterling]

I can relate to this.  Doing things for myself seems to upset her.  But I can't stop doing things for myself, and neither can you.  I try to focus on the real reasons she is upset.  And I think your H probably has the same reasons:

- You are doing something without him.  That triggers abandonment fears. 

- You are showing you don't need him.  A pwBPD understands love as some kind of mutual need, because that is what his love for you is based on - needing you.  So if you do something to show you don't need him, he sees no reason that you stay with him. 

- You are doing something on your own to better yourself, meanwhile he feels crappy about himself and doesn't have the motivation to do things to better himself.  You would think this is jealousy of you, but actually it's shame.  Shame dominates his emotions, so you bettering yourself makes him feel crappier about himself. 

Of course, he won't express his real emotions (he may not even know what they are).  Instead, he will say:

- You are going to the gym to look at other men.

- You are trying to better your physical appearance so that you can attract someone better than him.

- That you hate him and are just trying to avoid him.

Just remember, altering what you do to try and soothe his irrational emotions won't help.  Because if it is not the gym, he will find something else as his outlet.  My dBPD fiancé has even gone so far as to get on my case about cleaning the house or washing the dishes.  So suppose instead of going to the gym, you stayed home and mowed your lawn - you'd get the same complaints. 

[ziniztar]

What I find extremely odd is that my dBPDbf is exactly the opposite. Even today he got annoyed with me for asking to discuss his Sunday work shifts with me. It's his main issue: he does not want to take my needs into his consideration. He'll plan his own activities without consulting me - leaving it impossible for us to be together for a full 24hrs - unless I adapt.

I guess it's because he needs to be in control.

Would he need me to be dependant on him so he'll feel I won't leave him?

Whenever I announce I'll have to leave for work (for a week) or have plans scheduled when he didn't expect it - he feels alone and resents me for it.

Today I asked him if he would please consult me before saying yes to work on Sundays. He was silent for an hour and ended up saying: "okay"

He was still annoyed I think but he said okay.

That was weird.

[Hope26]

MaxSterling, your comments rang a bell with me.  If by 'doing something for yourself' you mean doing anything without them, that's one of my issues too.  Even if we are both at home, and he is sitting outside on the patio alone as he does for hours, I am supposed to poke my head out and tell him if I am moving from one room to another.  He got triggered recently because I stopped reading and went to take a nap, without telling him.  Nothing else I did or said that night was acceptable.  My most peaceful times are at work, yet I am longing to retire in the next couple of years, and have been working toward this goal for years, including before we met 8 years ago.  It seems to me that it is necessary to the survival of us 'nons' to have our own separate hobbies / activities.