Total lack of appreciation... is this typical?

[Ceruleanblue]

I've noticed that no matter how hard I try, even if I do exactly as uBPDh asks, it's never appreciated. I've never met anyone so totally non appreciative, in my entire life. It seems like if he praises me, or thanks me for doing something difficult for me(but to his advantage of course), that he feels he is "less than", or not as "in control" of me... .or something. It's like he has never heard of positive reinforcement. He'd get much farther with me, if he appreciated my efforts, or made me feel like he even noticed them.

He DEMANDED I attend therapy with his grown, angry daughter: I did, against the advice of two therapists. He threatened divorce(his favorite threat) if I didn't go. I went, and it was awful, like I'd expected. No wait, it was worse than I expected actually. I went though. I'm trying, and I did as uBPDh demanded, yet he was no happier after he'd gotten his own way. Shocker that his grown kids are also mean and demanding too.

I can't even actually think of anything he has ever been truly appreciative of that I have done. Not since we got married. How sad is that? In some ways I feel I'm wasting my life with him, because he simply cannot appreciate what a good person I am. He doesn't even think I am a good person, which is really sad. It's like he sees a different version of me than everyone else does. He says he wants to be happy, but he seems to think his happiness is dependent of ME making him happy. It's always something "I" have to do... .then he will be happy. What about ME? None of my needs are being met in this "marriage". I'm dying trying to meet his needs, told it's not good enough, while I am lonely, neglected, can't talk to him(he gets set off too easily), and basically much happier when I'm not around him. He rages, and he threatens me, and he seems to think that is just okay.

His therapist recently suggested he see a Psychiatrist, after three years of therapy with her, and I was really happy about that. Today though, he came home and stated that his therapist's office is getting a Psychiatrist, and I would really like to see him go elsewhere. I think she only recommended he see a Psychiatrist because his M.D. put him on an antipsychotic medication, and uBPDh is complaining about taking it. He doesn't want to admit he has anything wrong with him. You know, he is perfect, and I'm the one with all the flaws.

I'm so sick of his anger, his rages, his unpredictability, his thinking badly of me, his defending how his grown kids treat me, his weirdness with my daughter(she uses the word "creepy"... .I'm just sick of all of it. I had no idea he or his family was this dysfunctional, or I'd have never married him. If it was just him, it would be hard enough, but he has this weird fixation on his kids. It even caused issue in his first marriage, and his ex was their Mother!

Maybe it's mean, but my sympathy, and patience is getting low for him. He's mean, but he accuses ME of being mean, when I'm not. He's angry, and moody, yet I'm the woman, and I'm not allowed moods or normal emotions because they upset him. I can't expect ANY empathy from him, and I really need it sometimes. Even when I tell him all I need him to do is empathize, he gets angry and mocks me. I'm coming to really resent him, and feel he in no way deserves me. I'm just way too nice, and kind to be with someone this angry and messed up, and he doesn't even want to get better. He feels entitled to be mean, angry, and controlling. He likes it. He feeds off it. He is miserable, but he creates this misery.

I want to stay, and work this out, but it's feeling hopeless. I can only do so much, and even with all my effort, he is escalating, and undermining any new things I try... .

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[waverider]

He is not appreciative because he doesn't need to be, he still gets his needs met.

Why do you want to stay in this marriage? Whats in it for you? Until you have some positive answers to this you are unlikely to make any headway.

His neediness to be pampered can't be sated, as that is the nature of neediness.

[Ceruleanblue]

I stay, not because I love him, but because I think we have the potential to have a good marriage. We have so much going for us, but he doesn't focus on that. His focus is always what I can do better, how I can give in more. I look for ways he is compromising or working on his behaviors, and honestly, I can't see that he is at all.

I'm asking for the bare minimum, and he won't even give me that. All I need is a little empathy, when something has hurt me. He refuses. He can do it for others, but he withholds it from me. He can empathize with his angry kids, but he now uses them to also hurt me.

How do you sustain a marriage when you are not allowed to communicate with your partner? Only I want to communicate. He just wants a puppet, who will give him unlimited amounts of sex, yet he doesn't have to talk to... .ever. Everything with him is so superficial. If HE wants to talk, he expects total validation, and understanding, yet I get ZERO. I get anger.

I'm living with a totally toxic person, and I always try to treat him as I would want to be treated, and that just makes it worse. I've tried some things I've read here, and the results were not great either. I guess I just keep trying until I find something that gives me better results.

[maxsterling]

A big hug for what you are going through  .  I can completely relate.  You basically just described the reality of being with a borderline partner.  The more I read and understand how these relationships work, the more I am hearing that it will never be a balanced relationship, but it can be functional.  I my case that has meant getting my emotional needs met elsewhere, through family or friends or myself, taking care of my own needs, not depending on her for anything, and having few expectations.  And remember, his lack of gratitude has absolutely nothing to do with what you did or didn't do.  Eventually, you have to learn to quit spinning your wheels trying to win a "thank you"and put the focus on you and what makes you happy.  If he shows gratitude, great.  If he doesn't, well there's nothing you can do about that.  It hurts tremendously to never be thanked, but if you change your focus so that you are doing things for or with him that you actually want to do for yourself, rather than to win gratitude, then the lack of a thank you will hurt less.

As an example- I spent the entire weekend with her, helping her get the things she needs for her classroom.  This doesn't include the amount of things I have done for her over the past few months when she has been too depressed to do much of anything.  Monday I took the day off to help her set up her classroom.  I cleaned, pushed tables and desks around and hung posters on the wall. Tuesday I met her to sit with her at a doctor's office waiting room.  I literally have averaged less than 2-3 hours per week to myself over the past 9 months.  I do the dishes.  I do all the cleaning.  I do the yardwork.  And with all of her needs, I fall behind.  And Wednesday night, she melted down and told me the biggest issue in her life was because the house was too disorganized and she can't focus on her job because I'm too much of a slob and will always be that way.    I basically let her rant, and challenged her to tell me what I can do to organize the house better, and to allow me the time to do it.  She had no answers, so I went into the other room and started cleaning.  Later that night, she apologized.  It really has nothing to do with me. 

[Ceruleanblue]

Maxsterling:

I'm glad your wife at least apologized. I think I've only gotten two real apologies in the three years I've been with yBPDh. Two times where I could tell he meant it. All the other times, I could tell he was just saying it so I'd shut up. To him, nothing is worse than communication. Heck, I'd LOVE to have a husband like you who would try so hard to understand, and ask what they can do to help! Just like you, it's always ME doing that for him. I've mostly come to live with zero appreciation, but the thing I am still stuck on is his total inability to ever empathize with me. He puts me in these bad situations with his grown kids, then he refuses to listen when I end up hurt. I've tried not attending functions, but he then threatens divorce. HE could make it all better for me, if he just stopped excusing his kids' anger and meanness, and at least empathized with me. Heck, his kids wouldn't even KNOW.

For me, being understood and empathized with is HUGE. And he lacks that. Plus, to make it worse he keeps putting me in situations where he knows I'll end up hurt. I feel I have to take a certain amount of crap from him  because we are married, and I want it to work out(and I realize he has BPD), but I don't feel I have to take immense amounts of abuse from his grown kids... .and that is what is happening.

I need to matter to him, and I'm seeing that I don't. Only his kids matter, only HE matters. I'm just her to serve him and his immense ego. If he is being "nice", it's because he wants something. Usually for me to attend some functions for his kids. There are FOUR of them, and only the boy has been nice to me(he has personality disorder type issues too, but at least he is nice), the three girls have all been horrid. I seriously am afraid to be around them because my uBPDh always ends up mad at ME. For no apparent reason.

I am getting my needs met elsewhere, but that just feels so wrong somehow. It feels like emotional cheating. This was not at all what I wanted for myself.

[Ceruleanblue]

Oh, and to clarify: I'm getting my emotional needs met through family, and friends. Nothing at all that could be construed as "cheating"... .I'm very, very careful about that. It still somehow feels wrong though. Not sure why.

[Samuel S.]

Ceruleanblue, you are a good, sincere, loving woman who is doing your best under such horrible circumstances in order to be hopeful that you can have a good marriage. It is very well justified that you feel the way you do. You have expended loads of positive energy. It is no wonder that you are at your wit's end with all kinds of frustration, not feeling loved, and thus not wanting to love him. It is extremely fortunate that you are getting the emotional support outside under your circumstances.

I too feel the same way as you. It is only when you, other nonBPDs, and I take care of ourselves by loving ourselves, that we can at least feel better about ourselves.

I guess we are caught between a rock and a hard space in many respects until something changes either in them or in ourselves. 

[byfaith]

When you say he has a weird fixation on his kids? I deal with this concerning my wife and her son. It's as though she is married to him instead of me. Granted he has a disability but it doesn't have to keep him from having a semi functional life outside of her CONTROL.

My wife has not shown me affection in the last 15 months. Nothing... .it's like we are room mates with a marriage license that she wants undivided attention from. If I am not Johnny on the spot I'm crap. Her son will walk by and she will grab his hand or give him a big hug affectionate hug and look up at him like she adores him. I don't get that kind of attention from her. (not anymore, I used to)  I guess I am jealous and that emotion bothers me. This whole thing is like a quadruple decker crap sandwich. Every layer has a different flavor of crap. I know that was somewhat immature but that's what came to my mind. I have to talk to her about it eventually, again, it produces bad results.

[Ceruleanblue]

I can sure relate to it feeling like a crap sandwich! While I'm glad that my husband gives my daughter attention, and they get along, it's just the fact that he treats HER better than me that bothers me. I get to see her get adored, and given positive attention, and all my husband really wants from me is sex. We have zero connection. He spends all his time on his computer, which you'd think he'd get enough of at work.

From what he says, he did this to his ex too, with his own kids. He lets his grown kids treat me terribly, yet he defends anything they do or say. It's not an exaggeration when I say I think if they stabbed me, he'd say he was somehow my fault. Heck, their crazy mother DID stab my husband. Bad genetics, I swear. I can see, and own my kids' flaws. Making excuses for them, just doesn't do kids any favors.

You don't get any affection from your wife, and I feel that is all I'm good for with my husband. He just wants to ignore me all day, or rage at me, then he expects a peep show, and sex(sex that he makes sure hurts me). Something is just wrong with him to want to hurt me in all ways, all the time, yet he goes out of his way to connect with his kids/my one kid.

My husband seems to really dislike my son on the other hand. He dotes on my beautiful, feisty, doesn't take crap, 18 year old daughter, but he acts as if me and my son are just awful. I went from being the "best thing that ever happened to him, and the love of his life"... .to being totally devalued.

I guess we just need to tell ourselves that these are their issues. You shouldn't have to beg for your wife's affection, and I shouldn't have to beg my husband to care about my feelings or to want to connect.