Sister with Borderline Personality Disorder

[l@uren]

Hi,

My sister has had Borderline Personality Disorder for about the last 12 years,  although she does not believe that she does.  Over the years she has blamed my family and myself for all the problems in her life.

Over the years she has lied to me, stolen from me and hurt me in so many ways.  Most recently she has taken to facebook and placed post after post, of how my husband is abusive to me and that he abuses our kids.  She also states in these posts how she has tried to 'help' me out of my abusive relationship.  All of it is total lies and I hate that people in my community are reading this about me and thinking it may be true.  Particularly the parents of kids who attend school / football with my children.  I have asked facebook tot ake the posts down, but they had already been up there for a number of days before I knew about them, as she has blocked me from her profile.

She also continually texts me alternating between abusing me and asking me to catch up with her.  Over the last two years I have been seperating myself from her.

She is my sister but I think its time to let her go.  I can't help someone who does not want to help themselves?  But how do walk away from family?

[heartandwhole]

 

Hi l@uren,

I'm sorry about the trouble you are having with your sister, that is very hurtful, and especially in such a public way.  I'm glad you found this site.  I can understand your feelings, it is very hard to disengage from family.  We have members here who are doing that successfully, there is hope.  We also have tools which can help you to feel better, and also help improve your relationship with your sister, if you find that you want to.

Do you have any other siblings or friends who are supportive?  How do your parents cope with your sister's behavior?

Here is a link that might help: Radical Acceptance for family members

Please keep writing.  We are here to support you.

heartandwhole

[KrazyKatSis]

Hi L@uren,

You could be my twin. My sister was diagnosed with borderline several years ago, but she insists the diagnosis should be non-specific personality disorder and also bipolar. She also creates havoc and drama wherever she goes. Always always ALWAYS when faced with a choice, she picks the one that is stupidest and guaranteed to hurt everyone (including herself).

For example:

When my grandmother was ill, she asked if I could take her 3 cats when she passed. I had 2 cats, 1 3-year old, a full-time job, and a husband. I told her no, but I would take them to the local no-kill shelter where I volunteered and work hard to get them into good homes. BPDsis had 3 cats, 2 dogs, 1 1-year old, several part-time jobs, and a husband. She said yes. After my grandmother died, she took in the cats. In six months, she said she couldn't handle it all and had all her pets euthanized. Then she got 2 more dogs and 3 more cats of her own choosing.

She married a man whom she met in rehab and knew for 6 weeks. He was the love of her life, as were all her boyfriends. She knew he was going to be deployed to Germany and that she couldn't go with him. After about 8 months, she had a one-night stand (at a pig roast!) with another man and became pregnant. So she borrowed $$ from my parents to get a divorce & married husband #2, her new soul mate. While married to husband #2, he ex- returned home and she began an affair with him. Husband #2 tried to commit suicide by getting drunk and driving his car off a cliff. Her son got put into a foster home. She told everyone that the affair was not her fault; husband #2 was abusive and he pushed her into it. Ex-husband (#1) got a restraining order against her because she was stalking him. Then she became a born-again Christian and so went back to husband #2. Later they got divorced and she ran through a string of new soul mates. She is currently married to Husband #3, the love of her life.

Currently, she has gotten into a huge fight with her soon-to-be son in-law. His crime was saying that her husband was stupid. For that crime, my sister has refused to attend her daughter's wedding. She has also begun one of her smear campaigns, telling people in the family that he's a jerk, he abuses her daughter, he's a convicted felon, etc., etc. The wedding is today... . so what does she do? Yep, typical BPD drama. Yesterday, she called her daughter and said she changed her mind and she's willing to forgive him if he'll apologize, and if they really love her and want her to be there, that's what he'll do.

She also has stolen money from me (from the cash in envelopes at my wedding), pawned the expensive necklace I gave her for her birthday one year, borrows money from my 83-year old dad who is on a fixed income, alienates her neighbors and landlords so that she is forced to move every year when her rental agreement is up... . oh, I could go on and on. (Yikes, I think I have! sorry)[/li][/list]

I am waiting for when my dad, whom I love and will miss dearly, passes on. Then the last reason for me to be around her will be gone. I try to distance myself as much as I can but there's my dad's feelings to consider. He feels guilty, like it's his fault. "She's broken and I don't know how to fix her," he says. So I swallow as much as I can to spare him distress. But I'll tell you, I'm looking forward to the day when I can be done with her.

This site has been a lifesaver for me. I hope you find as much comfort in reading that you're not alone as I did.

Best of luck to you.

[Eureka1]

You ask how does one walk away from family.  Not to be flippant, but you put one foot in front of the other and walk away.  Your sister is family in name only.  Just because she is family of origin does not mean you must stay in contact with her.  If she is poison, walk away, better yet run away.

You deserve to be free!

[Jane Calvin]

Thank you for sharing.  I totally understand how you feel.  I am at the point where I need to walk away from my relationship with my sister but, it feels like I am being a bad person.  She can be so fragile and sad at times that I feel I should try to stay strong and help her.  But then, wham bam she turns into her other evil self that is brutally mean to me.  She spreads rumors but, I am at the point where i do not care.  It has been a year since you posted this, how are things now?  I hope you have found peace.

[deux soeurs]

Hi Jane.  I have the same thing going on, a sister with BPD.  She has done it all:  the Facebook thing, mean emails, texts, phone calls.  The lies/ projection never end.  I am happiest when I am NC, but, like you, I sometimes feel like a bad person.  There is no right answer.  Just weigh her behavior against your feelings and you will figure it out.  My life, and most of my family members are much more peaceful without her.  BTW she has had extensive therapy and takes many medications.  Nothing has really helped in her behavior toward me and other family members.  It's as if they can hold it together, sometimes, for strangers but feel they can be their nasty selves with us.  Good luck and let us know what happens!

[healinghome]

sisters with BPD are different to relationships with BPD parents eh?  I'm in a similar situation with my older BPD sister and am going through the grieving process of letting go and facing who she really is rather than what I want to believe.  its hard... .that's for sure.  with two uBPD parents, I used to follow her around the house as a kid.  we shared a bedroom and were inseparable for a while.  as we grew into teenagers and my parents divorced she dropped the perfect daughter persona and her BPD got worse.  she would just take things from me (TV's, clothes, even boyfriends) and see it as her right to do so.  she uses and disguards people with no consideration or compassion.  I've seen her ruin peoples lives and heard of others calling social services on her for how she abuses her children with splitting. the lies are the worst.  we fell out eventually because I started to converse that I experienced a different reality to her (she has episodes of psychosis, where what she felt is fact and true fact no longer exists) and she couldn't handle it.

so I understand how heart breaking it can be to let go of a sibling.  it isn't your fault and don't feel guilty about wanting peace and to have people who want good things for you in your life.  being blood does not give someone a free pass to walk all over you, its supposed to be the opposite. I feel family is supposed to have each others backs.

its their baggage, not yours that makes the relationship so painful.  nc for me started with telling them I was taking time out for myself via email and then not replying to their bait to pull me back in.  creating a separate email for foo is sometimes a good idea.  as sometimes I found I would check my mail and get blindsided one of their attempts.

[Starrynite]

Hi L@uren,

How do you walk away you ask? You get tired of the abuse and realize that you deserve to be treated appropriately. They are adults that need to take responsibility for their health.

My sister is diagnosed BPD. I suffered from her bullying for years and chalked it up to 'that's how she is'... .I and my family became complacent and didn't research the disorder. Then a couple years ago we had a big blow out that led to her cutting me out and letting me in. Did that back and forth a couple times... .then one day I received nasty nasty texts wishing me death. I was done (to protect myself and my young daughter). I went NC. I emailed her expressing she was no longer allowed in mine and my daughter's life and the reasons why (setting boundaries). A few weeks later I got an apology; as far as I was concerned it was and is lip service but messaged her back anyway stating my boundaries if we are to move forward. Of course her response was a sarcastic one   . BPDs do not know how to empathize and cannot see outside their own bubble. She is on meds and goes to therapy, but I don't feel it's helping considering her behavior.

This has been hard on our mother. I'm going back home in a couple weeks and to try to move forward I've agreed to a counseling appointment; granted it is a mutual decision. I know one appointment isn't going to solve it all, but it's a step forward to coming to some resolution. I'm going to try and use SET but it's going to be the first time and really, I am so effing skeptical about the result. The knowledge gained from reading all about this disorder and understanding how their mind processes leaves me wondering what's the point?

I had a hard time walking away, but the peace I experienced without her in my life was wonderful. I don't take crap anymore. I would never let anyone treat me the way she has and why should you let your sister continually hurt you, and your family?

My thoughts... .I hope I've given you some insight. Good luck and take care of yourself and your family