How to validate adult UBPD son's distress

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My UBPDS 30 and his partner (she is a possible UNPD) split 18 months ago. They have a 5 year old son together.  My son has my grandson 3 times each week and has never cancelled or made excuses not to have him. His ex works a few hours a week and relies on my son to have the little one on Thursdays and Saturdays as she works on those days. However she does not need him to take his son on Tuesdays (the third day he has him) as she does not work that day. 

When my son turned up after work this evening to collect the little one his ex made out he did not want to go to Daddy's today (this has never happened before) and was very rude and disrespectful to my son in front of the child.  She was taunting and smirking at my son and the little one was following her lead.  My UBPDS apparently got upset as he felt unloved/unwanted by his own son and eventually left without him.  He supposedly said something on the lines of 'well you can't come over on Thursday then' to his son as he left which I think he now realises was not a good thing to say but he was in emotional mind.

He rang me from his mobile very angry and distressed about how his ex is 'screwing up his son' and how 'he hates her and wishes she was dead'. I talked to him for around 40 minutes and he told me that when he was out at the weekend his ex was at the same venue as him and his friends and she kept kicking him and trying to stub cigarettes out on him!  I have no idea if this is correct.  After he told me this he then expected me to ring and speak to his ex about her behaviour. I told him I was not prepared to do this as it was something he needed to handle.  My interfering would make matters worse and undermine him but he was hurt and felt uncared for at my response.

How can I help him deal with this hurt.  He now feels unloved by his son who apparently said he did not want to go to Daddy's tonight (at his mummy's prompting), angry with his ex and how she is dealing with their child/behaving towards my son and then upset at my apparent lack of support.

[Dibdob59]

My UBPDS 30 and his partner (she is a possible UNPD) split 18 months ago. They have a 5 year old son together.  My son has my grandson 3 times each week and has never cancelled or made excuses not to have him. His ex works a few hours a week and relies on my son to have the little one on Thursdays and Saturdays as she works on those days. However she does not need him to take his son on Tuesdays (the third day he has him) as she does not work that day. 

When my son turned up after work this evening to collect the little one his ex made out he did not want to go to Daddy's today (this has never happened before) and was very rude and disrespectful to my son in front of the child.  She was taunting and smirking at my son and the little one was following her lead.  My UBPDS apparently got upset as he felt unloved/unwanted by his own son and eventually left without him.  He supposedly said something on the lines of 'well you can't come over on Thursday then' to his son as he left which I think he now realises was not a good thing to say but he was in emotional mind.

He rang me from his mobile very angry and distressed about how his ex is 'screwing up his son' and how 'he hates her and wishes she was dead'. I talked to him for around 40 minutes and he told me that when he was out at the weekend his ex was at the same venue as him and his friends and she kept kicking him and trying to stub cigarettes out on him!  I have no idea if this is correct.  After he told me this he then expected me to ring and speak to his ex about her behaviour. I told him I was not prepared to do this as it was something he needed to handle.  My interfering would make matters worse and undermine him but he was hurt and felt uncared for at my response.

How can I help him deal with this hurt.  He now feels unloved by his son who apparently said he did not want to go to Daddy's tonight (at his mummy's prompting), angry with his ex and how she is dealing with their child/behaving towards my son and then upset at my apparent lack of support.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[HealingSpirit]

Dear Dibdob59,

Oh, I feel for you and your BPDS 30.  This is such a painful and difficult situation for both of you!  I wish I had lots of wisdom in that area and that I could tell you exactly what to do to help your DS.  I do know that Validating your DS's intensely felt feelings will help in any situation.  Listening with S.E.T. (sympathy, empathy, truth) also helps.  The things I'm suggesting are "TOOLS" you can click on and learn about to the right of this board. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------->

There probably isn't a lot you can do to help solve your DS's problems.  So listening, listening, listening may help him discover what he needs to do on his own.  Such a sad situation for him, and ultimately for your grandchild.  That said, I also think there may be others with more practical experience in this very subject on a couple of the other boards on this site.

I recommend you also post your story on the "Family Law" board and on the "Coparenting after the split" board.  Perhaps there are some resources on either of those boards that may offer you better guidance.  I am having technical difficulties, as my computer won't let me cut & paste, or I would have given you direct links to these 2 boards.  They are easy to find if you scroll down after clicking on "BOARDS."

I wish you and your son as much peace as possible while you go through this awful situation!

[lever.]

Hello Dibdob

I think healingspirit has given you excellent advice.

I agree that for you to approach this with his ex would inflame the situation and make things worse.

SET is a good idea

"That's terrible you must have been so angry and upset- I obviously want to help but if I get involved I know it will  be seen as interference and make things worse. I also hate to see GS upset."

I would also tell him that if he works hard at controlling his own emotions, continues to be a loving Dad and tries not to get upset or angry in front of GS GS will see the truth of the situation as he gets older.

Looking at the other boards that healingspirit has suggested is also a good idea. It will give you advice on what to do if this continues 

[Dibdob59]

HealingSpirit and Lever

Thank you for your responses.  I am glad to see that your suggestions mirrored what I have said and done already, I start to doubt myself when my replies feel a little less than 'natural/authentic' and am always concerned he will see through them.  I did validate, I used SET and spent some considerable time explaining how GS will see things clearly for himself in time if my DS keeps his temper and behaves calmly.  He struggles soo much with that and his ex knows exactly how to push every one of his buttons. 

We are in the UK and as much as I hate to say it the law has done a complete about face and from women having too few rights here they now have way too many, especially single young mums and their ability to virtually erase fathers from having contact with their children.  His ex knows how much she can hurt my DS with this threat.

I work in education and have previously worked with social services.  I am constantly hearing young women planning to get pregnant outside of a stable relationship, let alone marriage, simply to get somewhere to live and claim benefits. 

You are right, it is a painful thing to watch happen to my DS, even if he was not UBPD. I am so worried for my GS as his mummy is very manipulative and volatile.

Thank you.

Dibdob

[HealingSpirit]

I start to doubt myself when my replies feel a little less than 'natural/authentic' and am always concerned he will see through them. 

I know exactly how you feel!  I'm so glad you found us here!  Before I found this site, I think DOUBT was becoming my middle name because my own common sense didn't work.  In fact, NOTHING I was doing worked.  Coming here to vent has been such a blessing!  And the tools really help, though I discovered I can only validate well when I let go of any resentment or self-pity I've been feeling.  When I need to be validated, I come here. 

I did validate, I used SET and spent some considerable time explaining how GS will see things clearly for himself in time if my DS keeps his temper and behaves calmly.  He struggles soo much with that and his ex knows exactly how to push every one of his buttons.

Your DS and GS are so lucky to have you in their corner!  That's great that your DS heard you about staying calm.  Maybe this situation will motivate him to learn some new emotional skills.   I feel badly for them.  This is such a difficult situation, even without BPD/NPD in the mix. 

Do they have DBT therapy or workshops in the UK?  We don't have very good resources here in So. California where I live, but my DD has a DBT workbook her T gave her.  It is available online.  Maybe that could help your son? 

Let us know how this develops, okay, Dibdob59?

    Hugs to you, your DS and your GS!