Loving detachment is terrifying me.

[mama72]

I have felt this detachment starting with my BPDd17 for the last few months. A very painful, difficult, and emotionally draining few months. I saw a picture she posted of herself on Twitter and thought, "I know that girl, who is she?"

When detaching at first, I felt some relief and comfort. I felt like I was regaining some control over my life. But now I wonder if this detachment is going to drive us apart for good, eventually? I look at her and see my precious child that I love immensely, but I also see a stranger. A stranger that I wonder if I will even recognize in a year, 2 years, 5 years and so on.

One minute I am so afraid to lose her and my heart aches that it may happen. Then the next minute I come back to reality and know that our r/s will never be what I thought it would be. Will we be strangers? After all the love, laughs, hugs, stories, adventures, tears, wounds that we have shared, that the possibly of her becoming a stranger, is so overwhelming to think about.

I wonder if she will ever "come home" to the people who love her most, who miss her the most? Do wounds that have been cut so deep every really fully heal? Maybe more time needs to pass for that to happen, and this is what the detachment is accomplishing?

My dd is part of me, part of my soul, and the thought of losing that part seems so unnatural.

Will it ever be normal? Will it ever be peaceful? Will there ever be joy, laughs and compassion again?

Do I dare hope?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[MammaMia]

mama72

Are you talking about emotional detachment from your dd?  Most pwBPD experience an unending cycle of detaching and reconnecting.  Her disorder will likely not allow her to overcome her fear of abandonment, so she will stay at home or return if she leaves, but sadly, even if they are physically present, their behavior can turn them into someone we no longer recognize.  Remember she is also struggling with teenage angst and all that goes with it.  A double whammy.

The one thing parents can count on is the unpredictability of BPD.  Is it frustrating? Yes.  Is it scary? Absolutely.  This is a cruel disorder.  Our kids do not understand it, and they are unable to control it. Just like us!  

What we can do as parents is let our BPD children know we love them and will do our best to try to understand this illness and their needs.  Keep the lines of communication open and be available. No ... .we will never have the relationship we had dreamed of. That is a fact.  But we need to learn to work around the BPD to stay as close as we can without smothering them or being rejected.  

I do not know how much you know about BPD, but there is a library of information here on how to communicate with pwBPD and how to protect ourselves at the same time.  Please check it out if you are not already familiar with it.

Your journey is just beginning.  Hang in there.  :)o the best you can ... .that is all any of us CAN do.

[HealingSpirit]

Dear Mama72,

I feel your pain too!  My BPDD is 17 too.  Since she's my only child, I have no other reference for what is normal.  It's hard to know how much of this detachment I'm feeling is normal as she gets ready to flee the nest, and how much of it is the typical push-pull of BPD. 

Please remember to take care of yourself during this difficult period.  You'll handle everything better if you're well rested and have been nurturing yourself too.  I know from my friends who have survived the teen years with nonBPD kids, their kids presented a lot of drama and ups and downs at age 17.  And most of them have grown into happy, successful adults.  But I know detachment is normal, as our teens become adults, we must let them go.

It's hard to strike the balance, but for me, coming here helps.

I'm always here to listen!

[chooselove]

I wish I could offer some hope, or even receive hope for myself, after struggling with this for many years.  I feel a permanent sadness that lives deep inside, I'm guessing it is similar to those who have lost a child through death, because it feels that way, in a sense of terminal acceptance of what is vs. what could have been.  Except I am grateful that my baby girl still walks this planet and has her life.  But when I see others enjoying their grown children, or I look at photographs of me with my girl in the distant past when we were together, my heart breaks inside.  It's something we learn to carry and live with.  I do my best to extend a sense of grace to myself and to her and do what I can to strengthen my belief that one day all will be healed and forgiven, even if it is after this life.

[MammaMia]

Oh chooselove, that is so incredibly sad.  I too hope one day your life will be better.

[lever.]

I had to take some time to reply to this, mama72 as I found your post so poignant and upsetting.

I try to block out how much I loved my daughter when she was growing up. It sometimes feels as if she has trampled all over my feelings and almost extinguished them.

However I will never stop caring for her and her children and loving detachment and practical support where appropiate is the only way forward.

I have to live with her dislike of me and accept that we are unlikely ever to regain emotional closeness.

If I think about it too much I could weep-but at least I can see that my new approach is helping her.

I am trying to follow the example of some other people on here and build up aspects of my own life.

 to the other posters on this thread

[mama72]

Thank you, friends, for the responses. I value all of your input so much.

I just miss my daughter, and feel myself missing a future we haven't even had. I am having a little pity party for myself that last few day, as I fear my daughter may be having problems again. I read about the terrible rages that some of you deal with, and it must be just so painful. But, sometimes I wish my daughter would just rage at me, instead of being so calculating with the emotional abuse, lies and manipulation. It is like just wanting to get punched to get over the pain, instead of a slow, painful stab. I don't mean to diminish the effects of rages, just that the intentional emotional abuse is harder to recover from for me.

DD has missed her last 2 T appts, and stopped her meds. We saw her P yesterday and he said to watch for any signs of depression resurfacing. I am thinking we are going to cut back on her T appts too. I have given her every opportunity to help herself, but she continues to not be honest with her T. She says she has not self-harmed in over a year, but we just found out she has given herself 3 tattoos, which my T thinks is a form a self-harm.

What do you guys think about the self-tattooing being self-harm?

[HealingSpirit]

Dear Mama72,

I hear you!  These past several teen years have been so painful for me too, as I watched my beautiful, blonde, sweet, sensitive DD turn into a depressed, black-clothed, black-haired Goth child, to a frumpy black-haired teen who now wears over-sized tees & baggy men's pajamas half the time.

Now, even when she fixes herself up with makeup and female clothing, I barely recognize her as the beautiful, blonde child I once had.  Shortly after she was dx with BPD, I got very sad and depressed from the realization that she does have a mental illness and she may never be able to lead the kind of independent life I thought she'd have.  I think I've come to radically accept her illness now, which is helping me cope.  But I still do feel sadness as I let go of my hopes and dreams for her, and accept who she is and what she is capable of.

To answer your question about self-tattoos as self-harm?  I'd say maybe, it could be.  That's a toughie because tattoos have become so mainstream now.  And there is tons of information on the internet about that sort of thing.  My own DD self-pierced her navel (without my consent).  She researched it on the internet first, then had an 18-yo friend buy her a piercing kit.  I don't think she did it out of self-harm though.  In my observation, my DD's cutting and self-harm has always been an impulsive attempt to stop the pain she's feeling emotionally.  I'm not sure tattoos and piercing fall into that degree of impulsive behavior.  I'm sure even though you barely recognize your DD anymore, you have a better sense of your DD's impulses than anyone, including her T.  I believe the little girls we raised are still in there somewhere.