Do they ever realize what they gave up?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Posting here instead of contacting... .its been almost 4 weeks nc.  On the receiving end of silent treatment from my waif uBPD ex fiance after I called her on a few of her lies while we were supposedly "working things out".  She kicked me out and havent heard from her since.

Anyway, just reminiscing tonight about all the good times we had.  I went out of my way to try and show her respect, I always opened doors for her.  We traveled ALOT, alot more than she has done in the past.  I love traveling and almost every weekend  I would take her on an "adventure" for a drive somewhere new to explore.  We shared a lot of the same passions, and had a great time together.  We were outdoors a lot, something she loved.  We were "THAT" exciting couple that everybody was jealous of.  I cant tell you how many times, people would say... ."wow, you guys do so much together!"... ."youre always going somewhere together!" etc, etc.

She has all the classic BPD waif traits... .behind close doors things were tough at times.  I wasnt perfect in handling her insecurities and such.  We fought a lot over every day matters throughout the duration of our 2 1/2 relationship.  But we seemed to work things out... .and enjoyed each others company again.  Lots planned for this summer... .but she was over us right before summer hit and its been downhill since.  One of the last things I remember her telling me was that she loved our adventures together... .Ive kinda just thrown myself into my work/hobbies to try not to think about all the things we shoulda been doing right now.  

My heart tells me that I treated her better than any man has... .but I know that is probably just my wounded ego talking.  Id imagine shell just replace me.  I made her last two birthdays very special, weekend trips out of state (of course, she said that they were trips I wanted to take for myself) I often wonder when her birthday rolls around this year... .and shes sitting at home with her family that she hates/she says hates her like she said she did in previous years... .if she will finally realize what she had... .instead of chasing after some new and unobtainable "happiness"   She has cut off lots of people in the past, including family members... .its my turn now.  I dont think Ill hear from her again... .and yeah, I know, its a good thing.  Still hurts though.

Thanks for letting me vent.  

[Huh?]

Posting here instead of contacting... .its been almost 4 weeks nc.  On the receiving end of silent treatment from my waif uBPD ex fiance after I called her on a few of her lies while we were supposedly "working things out".  She kicked me out and havent heard from her since.

Anyway, just reminiscing tonight about all the good times we had.  I went out of my way to try and show her respect, I always opened doors for her.  We traveled ALOT, alot more than she has done in the past.  I love traveling and almost every weekend  I would take her on an "adventure" for a drive somewhere new to explore.  We shared a lot of the same passions, and had a great time together.  We were outdoors a lot, something she loved.  We were "THAT" exciting couple that everybody was jealous of.  I cant tell you how many times, people would say... ."wow, you guys do so much together!"... ."youre always going somewhere together!" etc, etc.

She has all the classic BPD waif traits... .behind close doors things were tough at times.  I wasnt perfect in handling her insecurities and such.  We fought a lot over every day matters throughout the duration of our 2 1/2 relationship.  But we seemed to work things out... .and enjoyed each others company again.  Lots planned for this summer... .but she was over us right before summer hit and its been downhill since.  One of the last things I remember her telling me was that she loved our adventures together... .Ive kinda just thrown myself into my work/hobbies to try not to think about all the things we shoulda been doing right now.  

My heart tells me that I treated her better than any man has... .but I know that is probably just my wounded ego talking.  Id imagine shell just replace me.  I made her last two birthdays very special, weekend trips out of state (of course, she said that they were trips I wanted to take for myself) I often wonder when her birthday rolls around this year... .and shes sitting at home with her family that she hates/she says hates her like she said she did in previous years... .if she will finally realize what she had... .instead of chasing after some new and unobtainable "happiness"   She has cut off lots of people in the past, including family members... .its my turn now.  I dont think Ill hear from her again... .and yeah, I know, its a good thing.  Still hurts though.

Thanks for letting me vent.  

[Overbeck]

Venting is good.

I do believe deep down they know they screwed over good people. But is a tree that can't grow because it's eclipsed by a cancerous disorder.

[Huh?]

Venting is good.

I do believe deep down they know they screwed over good people. But is a tree that can't grow because it's eclipsed by a cancerous disorder.

Thanks.  Its just so sad because, man, even today I log onto facebook and my wall is filled with what I call "broken women" memes... .you know, the ones where they are talking about if a man truly loves you, he will do this... .and not say that... .or pictures of older couples together and how amazing it would be to grow old with someone, blah blah blah.   Anyway, those women that I personally know that post these memes... .I know for a fact have been in A BILLION relationships (slight exaggeration)... .or marriages.  Yet, they are still looking for the perfect man... .well into their later years.

I mean, dont pwBPD ever look back and question that maybe THEY may be the problem?  Maybe they HAD a good man/woman at one point and THEY are the reason that they cant find happiness in a relationship... .or do they just take their victimization to the grave with them because they are so disordered?  I guess Im experienced enough to already know the answer to my questions... .I just wish it wasnt so. 

[Mutt]

Anyway, those women that I personally know that post these memes... .I know for a fact have been in A BILLION relationships (slight exaggeration)... .or marriages.  Yet, they are still looking for the perfect man... .well into their later years.

I mean, dont pwBPD ever look back and question that maybe THEY may be the problem?

From my perspective and what I have learned. You have to be happy with yourself. You cannot find that happiness in someone else.

[mitchell16]

venting is a good thing. Ive used this bard many time for venting, it always made me feel better. I still go down the same road your talking about. I thinks it very normal. I think about everything we had and evrything we could have had, if not for the disorder. Ive was with mine for3 years with so many recycles Ive lost count. and each time it started it was over some very minor or over me catching her in one of her lies. The lying was a big thing for me and also for her. She demaned complete honesty from me at all time which I dont have a problem with. BUt she could lie at the so fast it would make your head spin. what was her repsonse once caught and she couldnt lie out of it anyore. start raging on me, break up and push me away or my favorite line she used " it was your fault i lied cause I couldnt tell you the truth" but what I have learned after many, many recycles is. she always comes back with her sob story of change and how I just misunderstood what had happened or yes she lied but it was to protect me or protect a freind or some other lame excuse. I take her back, forgive only for it to happen again about 6 to 8 weeks later.

what i have found with BPD is history does and will always continue to repeat itself and after 3 years it still the same mess and the same issues. I still have alot of trouble seeing someone who appears and functions as a very normal person but yet acts the way she does. Thats where I get stuck cause once we split my mind starts to forget a about the bad and I only remmeber the good. But in reality there was whole lot more bad then ever was good. for every good time I paid with some sort of pain about 3 to 1. my best wishes to you, working on hobbies and staying busy i have found is the thing. I was out of this crazy mess for about 8 months, i was working, staying busy, avoided dating anybody else, learning how to be happy again with just me. I opned the door up with my ex just an inch and she was back again. and guess what? it happened again 8 weeks later. this was after all the promises of change, she had got help, relized her mistakes, i was her best freind, the love of her life etc... so do your best to avoid the recycle when it comes cause if I was a betting person I would bet it will come around again.

[Vexed]

I wonder the exact same.  Even after she broke up with me she told me she never felt loved by anyone like me, of course I can't believe he, but those comments make you wonder.  She blames me for "giving up"  but can't name any event where I truly wounded her I she hates that.  She even confesses "I don't know why I'm so mad at you, but I can't get over it"

Anyway I too believe she will have trouble finding a guy that treated her as good, and would like to bhai believe she will regret breaking up with me.  Problem is, I'm not sure they actually appreciate the nice guy things.  I told her many times "im not sure I'm right for you, I think you desire a man who will abuse you"  and I think it's a fact they develop a disdain for us actually doing what they want. 

The devaluation is strong, which is why recycles never last.  I think their defenses prevent them from regretting anything.  She always blamed someone or something for everything wrong in her life doubt I (we) are any different.

Sucks.

[Huh?]

Thanks guys.  Yeah, so this is my very first "on and off" relationship.   Ive dated a uBPD woman before... .but when she was done, she was done... .never heard from her again.

Ive never experienced recycling before.  Its actually funny because I remember her sister saying that my ex fiance and I were "always on and off" and I looked at her like, "What?  We are?"  We would get into an argument and sometimes she would give me the silent treatment for a few days... .or I would leave the apt for awhile... .but we were never "off".   We just had a fight, not broken up as far as I was concerned.

My ex has a history of on/off in a previous relationships (hello, red flag! But again, I had no experience with this concept til now)  but I have never experienced a break up where the person has come back... .ever.   So Im just assuming that this one is totally over with as well... .especially considering that she told me she will not initiate contact with anyone she stops speaking to... .probably the narcissistic element of her disorder.

Anyway, who knows where shes been... .or who shes been with.  For that reason, it doesnt matter anymore.  I just regret that she threw away a very, very, good thing.  You are right tho, they probably dont recognize what they had because they never valued it as much as they said in the first place... .or, they will just take the things that they enjoyed from our relationship and attempt to continue them with the new victim.  

[Huh?]

I wonder the exact same.  Even after she broke up with me she told me she never felt loved by anyone like me, of course I can't believe he, but those comments make you wonder.  She blames me for "giving up"  but can't name any event where I truly wounded her I she hates that.  She even confesses "I don't know why I'm so mad at you, but I can't get over it"

Yeah, I got the "you didnt fight for me" line similar to that when it ended the first time, when she kicked me out back in march.  She also refused to say she loved me.  I would say, "I love you" when leaving... .and she would just be silent and give me a kinda scared, sad look.  She said she couldnt say that she loved me because she was protecting herself and I had to earn it... .but she really wanted to work things out really bad.  What.   

Obviously, I see it now... .and saw it then as a control tactic. 

[Blimblam]

Anyway, those women that I personally know that post these memes... .I know for a fact have been in A BILLION relationships (slight exaggeration)... .or marriages.  Yet, they are still looking for the perfect man... .well into their later years.

I mean, dont pwBPD ever look back and question that maybe THEY may be the problem?

From my perspective and what I have learned. You have to be happy with yourself. You cannot find that happiness in someone else.

This is what I have been discovering too. But for myself to do that I seem to have to peel back layer after layer of inner trauma that have a hold on parts of my concious experience.

[Huh?]

Anyway, those women that I personally know that post these memes... .I know for a fact have been in A BILLION relationships (slight exaggeration)... .or marriages.  Yet, they are still looking for the perfect man... .well into their later years.

I mean, dont pwBPD ever look back and question that maybe THEY may be the problem?

From my perspective and what I have learned. You have to be happy with yourself. You cannot find that happiness in someone else.

This is what I have been discovering too. But for myself to do that I seem to have to peel back layer after layer of inner trauma that have a hold on parts of my concious experience.

I was thinking about this today too actually.  Obviously, being in a relationship with a pwBPD, or specifically the aftermath of being in a relationship with BPD really takes an emotional toll on you.  Especially, if you have experienced several relationships of such a toxic nature... .its like tearing open an old wound.  Man, even a normal break up is tough.  It leaves you pretty damaged.  Obviously, if a person is smart... .they would avoid such toxic relationships after being burned once... .but in my case, I am not.  I knew all the signs going into my second relationship with a pwBPD... .I just chose to ignore them.  That is something that I need to work on.  

Anyway, today I was thinking about the couples that I know that married their high school sweethearts... .or married their first boyfriend/girlfriend... .and are still together to this day.  They have only known one love! Can you imagine what their outlook on life must be like?  No trauma.  I can even fathom that.  Thats not to say that all their relationships are perfect, but really it must be like viewing the world through rose color glasses!  I totally envy that!  

[love2give]

Thanks.  Its just so sad because, man, even today I log onto facebook and my wall is filled with what I call "broken women" memes... .you know, the ones where they are talking about if a man truly loves you, he will do this... .and not say that... .or pictures of older couples together and how amazing it would be to grow old with someone, blah blah blah.   Anyway, those women that I personally know that post these memes... .I know for a fact have been in A BILLION relationships (slight exaggeration)... .or marriages.  Yet, they are still looking for the perfect man... .well into their later years.

I mean, dont pwBPD ever look back and question that maybe THEY may be the problem?  Maybe they HAD a good man/woman at one point and THEY are the reason that they cant find happiness in a relationship... .or do they just take their victimization to the grave with them because they are so disordered?  I guess Im experienced enough to already know the answer to my questions... .I just wish it wasnt so. 

I was stunned after reading this.   My relationship ended quickly with my BPDgf this past January.  In an attempt to try and understand her (silent treatment ever since)  I looked back at her public facebook likes and she has been liking those "sayings" on facebook since her divorce in 2007.  She stops during her relationships (shes had many) and then starts that facebook thing all over again.  

Her favorite are the "be with people that make you happy" sayings but it never ever occurs to her that SHE is the one starting all the drama about the SMALLEST things.  They really have no ability to look at themselves and take even a small amount of responsibility for the hell they put themselves and others through.

Just yesterday she wrote "Always be happy in life cause life is short".  When she writes that, she has a new boy friend which was confirmed to me from a friend a few hours later  It hurt a lot so I promised myself no more looking at her facebook posts.  Enough is enough.  She has hurt and controlled my emotions for long enough or should I say I have allowed it  Either way I really got to get a life back cause this whole thing has destroyed me.

I treated her like gold but I doubt she cares.

Good luck to us all.

[Turkish]

Mine does. She used to say, "I have everything I ever wanted, yet why am I still unhappy?" Foolish me, I never engaged her n conversation about it. In one of her journals, she wrote, " I wasn't ready fir this r/s!" Early 30s, fixed herself to never have kids with another man, my replacement an early 20s undergrad, blatantly immature even for his age, I'll be the most mature or adult r/s she'll ever have. She knows, but it made no difference. She ran away from her triggers, and towards her fears because they were comfortable and familiar.

[Split black]

Do they realize what they gave up... .yeah. They do. For about one second. Depending on where they are on the BPD spectrum, depending if there is a heavy NPD co morbid trait, anxiety disorder... .depending if they are addicts and self medicating... .level of intelligence etc etc

Bottom line is that I thought I was where you were now... but they never relinquish their past ex ___s, unless the guy is healthy in his own head and dumps her and runs. I have been recycled after the most insane hate projection target abuse. Only to be re seduced when she needed something she felt I could provide with less annoyance then someone else. Like money.

But for the most part, if they can USE you for something and their current relationship(s) aren't working out... .oh yeah...  you will get a call. Just dont ever think that you are special.

To answer your question... .they have an incredible facility to detach very long time relationships and not look back... .because their object du jour is now their identity until his ultimate banishment and devaluation/demonizing. Endless cycle... .be happy you are free.

[Huh?]

Mine does. She used to say, "I have everything I ever wanted, yet why am I still unhappy?" Foolish me, I never engaged her n conversation about it. In one of her journals, she wrote, " I wasn't ready fir this r/s!" Early 30s, fixed herself to never have kids with another man, my replacement an early 20s undergrad, blatantly immature even for his age, I'll be the most mature or adult r/s she'll ever have. She knows, but it made no difference. She ran away from her triggers, and towards her fears because they were comfortable and familiar.

How long ago was this?  :)id she ever try and come back or keep in contact with you?

Im just curious because it boggles my mind how someone can have something so good... .and know it, but then let it go because of the desire for "more"... .or an inner demon inside that tells them they dont deserve to be treated so well... .so Id better run away and go get less... .or on a shallow plain, more... .but at the end of the day, its really less.  

Its just funny because the beautiful woman I have known, has had such low self esteem and self worth.  All three of the women in my past now, even the fiercely "independent" Deputy District Attorney, absolutely loathed themselves behind closed doors.  Why?  Because of a broken home?  Because of Daddy issues?  A broken childhood causes low self esteem, which in turn causes another broken home... .its like a BPD factory.  Its a story that repeats itself over and over and over again.  It amazes me that they cant see what is all around them!  

Anyway, thats off topic.  I am enjoying the quiet.  Like I said, Im almost 30 days NC.  I do have self respect.  Its over, and I know it.  It just amazes me how they throw away good things for the unknown.

[Blimblam]

The most true statement from my ex I ever received was, "I'm going to hurt you because I love you". She cried and cried about this. 

[Huh?]

The most true statement from my ex I ever received was, "I'm going to hurt you because I love you". She cried and cried about this.  

What?  Wow.  Have you ever just sat down and really thought about that statement?  Its just so bizarre.  Why did we stay?  We had to know this person is mentally ill?

My previous ex said to me, "If I met you a few years earlier I would have chewed you up and spit you out. Be thankful you didnt know me back then".  I remember being like, "thats nice, dear"   Guess what?  She chewed me up and spit me out!  So many times I wish I walked away!  Normal people dont say these things!

[Turkish]

Mine does. She used to say, "I have everything I ever wanted, yet why am I still unhappy?" Foolish me, I never engaged her n conversation about it. In one of her journals, she wrote, " I wasn't ready fir this r/s!" Early 30s, fixed herself to never have kids with another man, my replacement an early 20s undergrad, blatantly immature even for his age, I'll be the most mature or adult r/s she'll ever have. She knows, but it made no difference. She ran away from her triggers, and towards her fears because they were comfortable and familiar.

How long ago was this?  :)id she ever try and come back or keep in contact with you?

Im just curious because it boggles my mind how someone can have something so good... .and know it, but then let it go because of the desire for "more"... .or an inner demon inside that tells them they dont deserve to be treated so well... .so Id better run away and go get less... .or on a shallow plain, more... .but at the end of the day, its really less.  

Its just funny because every beautiful woman I have ever known, has had such low self esteem and self worth.  All three of the women in my past now, even the fiercely "independent" Deputy District Attorney, absolutely loathed themselves behind closed doors.  Why?  Because of a broken home?  Because of Daddy issues?  A broken childhood causes low self esteem, which in turn causes another broken home... .its like a BPD factory.  Its a story that repeats itself over and over and over again.  It amazes me that they cant see what is all around them!  

She started cheating on me a year ago, mostly triggered by yet another of her dad's numerous affairs being exposed in the winter. Her father I am sure is uBPD, her mother, strong Waif traits, and Patentified her (which she is now aware of). The things she said about being unhappy were two years ago., at least. My avoidant tendencies due to my BPD mom didn't help. One suicide ideation Christmas 2011. I "technically" ended our r/s in early October, after I realized she wouldn't stop; I had lost her. She moved out in early Feb, all but throwing her new r/s in my face for 4 months. In the end, she said, "you abandoned me, it felt just like my father!" Verbatim. I realized it was done forever at that point.

The funny thing is that until recently, I realized I could have replied truthfully, "with you, it felt just like my mother!" So sad... .

[Turkish]

The most true statement from my ex I ever received was, "I'm going to hurt you because I love you". She cried and cried about this.  

What?  Wow.  Have you ever just sat down and really thought about that statement?  Its just so bizarre.  Why did we stay?  We had to know this person is mentally ill?

My previous ex said to me, "If I met you a few years earlier I would have chewed you up and spit you out. Be thankful you didnt know me back then".  I remember being like, "thats nice, dear"   Guess what?  She chewed me up and spit me out!  So many times I wish I walked away!  Normal people dont say these things!

In a similar vein, mine used to say, "I'm such a witch to you, but I'm your witch." (Replace w with a b).

I never knew how to respond to that. By then we had one kid.

[Huh?]

Mine does. She used to say, "I have everything I ever wanted, yet why am I still unhappy?" Foolish me, I never engaged her n conversation about it. In one of her journals, she wrote, " I wasn't ready fir this r/s!" Early 30s, fixed herself to never have kids with another man, my replacement an early 20s undergrad, blatantly immature even for his age, I'll be the most mature or adult r/s she'll ever have. She knows, but it made no difference. She ran away from her triggers, and towards her fears because they were comfortable and familiar.

How long ago was this?  :)id she ever try and come back or keep in contact with you?

Im just curious because it boggles my mind how someone can have something so good... .and know it, but then let it go because of the desire for "more"... .or an inner demon inside that tells them they dont deserve to be treated so well... .so Id better run away and go get less... .or on a shallow plain, more... .but at the end of the day, its really less.  

Its just funny because every beautiful woman I have ever known, has had such low self esteem and self worth.  All three of the women in my past now, even the fiercely "independent" Deputy District Attorney, absolutely loathed themselves behind closed doors.  Why?  Because of a broken home?  Because of Daddy issues?  A broken childhood causes low self esteem, which in turn causes another broken home... .its like a BPD factory.  Its a story that repeats itself over and over and over again.  It amazes me that they cant see what is all around them!  

She started cheating on me a year ago, mostly triggered by yet another of her dad's numerous affairs being exposed in the winter. Her father I am sure is uBPD, her mother, strong Waif traits, and Patentified her (which she is now aware of). The things she said about being unhappy were two years ago., at least. My avoidant tendencies due to my BPD mom didn't help. One suicide ideation Christmas 2011. I "technically" ended our r/s in early October, after I realized she wouldn't stop; I had lost her. She moved out in early Feb, all but throwing her new r/s in my face for 4 months. In the end, she said, "you abandoned me, it felt just like my father!" Verbatim. I realized it was done forever at that point.

The funny thing is that until recently, I realized I could have replied truthfully, "with you, it felt just like my mother!" So sad... .

Thats crazy.  Ill tell you what, both of my uBPD ex's said to me several times during the relationships... ."Fine, leave me like they always do!" when I was going to walk out the door during one of their rages.  Its absolutely amazing the pattern that they fall into.  The indicators are there... .somebody needs to write a book on spotting a BPD... .which I know is already out there... .but cliff notes maybe. Haha.  Seriously, I felt like I was dating the same person with both my ex's... .just different names.  I was just hoping for a different outcome... .and that is my issue. There may be outliers... .but really, its like there is a mold how similar they all tend to be.

[Turkish]

Mine does. She used to say, "I have everything I ever wanted, yet why am I still unhappy?" Foolish me, I never engaged her n conversation about it. In one of her journals, she wrote, " I wasn't ready fir this r/s!" Early 30s, fixed herself to never have kids with another man, my replacement an early 20s undergrad, blatantly immature even for his age, I'll be the most mature or adult r/s she'll ever have. She knows, but it made no difference. She ran away from her triggers, and towards her fears because they were comfortable and familiar.

How long ago was this?  :)id she ever try and come back or keep in contact with you?

Im just curious because it boggles my mind how someone can have something so good... .and know it, but then let it go because of the desire for "more"... .or an inner demon inside that tells them they dont deserve to be treated so well... .so Id better run away and go get less... .or on a shallow plain, more... .but at the end of the day, its really less.  

Its just funny because every beautiful woman I have ever known, has had such low self esteem and self worth.  All three of the women in my past now, even the fiercely "independent" Deputy District Attorney, absolutely loathed themselves behind closed doors.  Why?  Because of a broken home?  Because of Daddy issues?  A broken childhood causes low self esteem, which in turn causes another broken home... .its like a BPD factory.  Its a story that repeats itself over and over and over again.  It amazes me that they cant see what is all around them!  

She started cheating on me a year ago, mostly triggered by yet another of her dad's numerous affairs being exposed in the winter. Her father I am sure is uBPD, her mother, strong Waif traits, and Patentified her (which she is now aware of). The things she said about being unhappy were two years ago., at least. My avoidant tendencies due to my BPD mom didn't help. One suicide ideation Christmas 2011. I "technically" ended our r/s in early October, after I realized she wouldn't stop; I had lost her. She moved out in early Feb, all but throwing her new r/s in my face for 4 months. In the end, she said, "you abandoned me, it felt just like my father!" Verbatim. I realized it was done forever at that point.

The funny thing is that until recently, I realized I could have replied truthfully, "with you, it felt just like my mother!" So sad... .

Thats crazy.  Ill tell you what, both of my uBPD ex's said to me several times during the relationships... ."Fine, leave me like they always do!" when I was going to walk out the door during one of their rages.  Its absolutely amazing the pattern that they fall into.  The indicators are there... .somebody needs to write a book on spotting a BPD... .which I know is already out there... .but cliff notes maybe. Haha.  Seriously, I felt like I was dating the same person with both my ex's... .just different names.  There may be outliers... .but really, its like there is a mold how similar they all tend to be.

I realize now I've always been attracted to Waifish women, no matter their ages. The brief gf relationships I had before my uBPDx maybe had BPD traits, or were just emotionally immature, but a couple of "platonic" relationships which crossed unhealthy probably were, for sure a former co-worker. She was a mess, I realized, once I let myself get enmeshed in her personal life. In the end, I'm left looking at me. Why did I feel the need to "rescue" these women?

[myself]

Yes, they realize. They see it differently, but they feel loss. It's a recurring frustrating pattern in the life of a pwBPD. It's some of what keeps them on the run. They kind of get off on it, too, in disordered ways. Taking it out on themselves/hurting themselves by denying something better is already here. 

[Huh?]

Mine does. She used to say, "I have everything I ever wanted, yet why am I still unhappy?" Foolish me, I never engaged her n conversation about it. In one of her journals, she wrote, " I wasn't ready fir this r/s!" Early 30s, fixed herself to never have kids with another man, my replacement an early 20s undergrad, blatantly immature even for his age, I'll be the most mature or adult r/s she'll ever have. She knows, but it made no difference. She ran away from her triggers, and towards her fears because they were comfortable and familiar.

How long ago was this?  :)id she ever try and come back or keep in contact with you?

Im just curious because it boggles my mind how someone can have something so good... .and know it, but then let it go because of the desire for "more"... .or an inner demon inside that tells them they dont deserve to be treated so well... .so Id better run away and go get less... .or on a shallow plain, more... .but at the end of the day, its really less.  

Its just funny because every beautiful woman I have ever known, has had such low self esteem and self worth.  All three of the women in my past now, even the fiercely "independent" Deputy District Attorney, absolutely loathed themselves behind closed doors.  Why?  Because of a broken home?  Because of Daddy issues?  A broken childhood causes low self esteem, which in turn causes another broken home... .its like a BPD factory.  Its a story that repeats itself over and over and over again.  It amazes me that they cant see what is all around them!  

She started cheating on me a year ago, mostly triggered by yet another of her dad's numerous affairs being exposed in the winter. Her father I am sure is uBPD, her mother, strong Waif traits, and Patentified her (which she is now aware of). The things she said about being unhappy were two years ago., at least. My avoidant tendencies due to my BPD mom didn't help. One suicide ideation Christmas 2011. I "technically" ended our r/s in early October, after I realized she wouldn't stop; I had lost her. She moved out in early Feb, all but throwing her new r/s in my face for 4 months. In the end, she said, "you abandoned me, it felt just like my father!" Verbatim. I realized it was done forever at that point.

The funny thing is that until recently, I realized I could have replied truthfully, "with you, it felt just like my mother!" So sad... .

Thats crazy.  Ill tell you what, both of my uBPD ex's said to me several times during the relationships... ."Fine, leave me like they always do!" when I was going to walk out the door during one of their rages.  Its absolutely amazing the pattern that they fall into.  The indicators are there... .somebody needs to write a book on spotting a BPD... .which I know is already out there... .but cliff notes maybe. Haha.  Seriously, I felt like I was dating the same person with both my ex's... .just different names.  There may be outliers... .but really, its like there is a mold how similar they all tend to be.

I realize now I've always been attracted to Waifish women, no matter their ages. The brief gf relationships I had before my uBPDx maybe derry BPD, but a couple of "platonic" relationships which crossed unhealthy probably were, for sure a former co-worker. She was a mess, I realized, once I let myself get enmeshed in her personal life. In the end, I'm left looking at me. Why did I feel the need to "rescue" these women?

Right.  Apparently, Im attracted to "waifs" too. So Im right there with you actually.  I will be spending the next few years trying to figure out why I feel the need to rescue... .I think, that is a pretty good instinct to have, to want to help people... .BUT, it is also something that can easily be taken advantage of by unsavory people without proper boundaries.  I realize now, that I should have walked away from every single relationship Ive been in at around the two month mark... .but I did not... .and that is my fault.  I cannot let that happen again. 

[Blimblam]

Mine does. She used to say, "I have everything I ever wanted, yet why am I still unhappy?" Foolish me, I never engaged her n conversation about it. In one of her journals, she wrote, " I wasn't ready fir this r/s!" Early 30s, fixed herself to never have kids with another man, my replacement an early 20s undergrad, blatantly immature even for his age, I'll be the most mature or adult r/s she'll ever have. She knows, but it made no difference. She ran away from her triggers, and towards her fears because they were comfortable and familiar.

How long ago was this?  :)id she ever try and come back or keep in contact with you?

Im just curious because it boggles my mind how someone can have something so good... .and know it, but then let it go because of the desire for "more"... .or an inner demon inside that tells them they dont deserve to be treated so well... .so Id better run away and go get less... .or on a shallow plain, more... .but at the end of the day, its really less.  

Its just funny because every beautiful woman I have ever known, has had such low self esteem and self worth.  All three of the women in my past now, even the fiercely "independent" Deputy District Attorney, absolutely loathed themselves behind closed doors.  Why?  Because of a broken home?  Because of Daddy issues?  A broken childhood causes low self esteem, which in turn causes another broken home... .its like a BPD factory.  Its a story that repeats itself over and over and over again.  It amazes me that they cant see what is all around them!  

She started cheating on me a year ago, mostly triggered by yet another of her dad's numerous affairs being exposed in the winter. Her father I am sure is uBPD, her mother, strong Waif traits, and Patentified her (which she is now aware of). The things she said about being unhappy were two years ago., at least. My avoidant tendencies due to my BPD mom didn't help. One suicide ideation Christmas 2011. I "technically" ended our r/s in early October, after I realized she wouldn't stop; I had lost her. She moved out in early Feb, all but throwing her new r/s in my face for 4 months. In the end, she said, "you abandoned me, it felt just like my father!" Verbatim. I realized it was done forever at that point.

The funny thing is that until recently, I realized I could have replied truthfully, "with you, it felt just like my mother!" So sad... .

Thats crazy.  Ill tell you what, both of my uBPD ex's said to me several times during the relationships... ."Fine, leave me like they always do!" when I was going to walk out the door during one of their rages.  Its absolutely amazing the pattern that they fall into.  The indicators are there... .somebody needs to write a book on spotting a BPD... .which I know is already out there... .but cliff notes maybe. Haha.  Seriously, I felt like I was dating the same person with both my ex's... .just different names.  There may be outliers... .but really, its like there is a mold how similar they all tend to be.

I realize now I've always been attracted to Waifish women, no matter their ages. The brief gf relationships I had before my uBPDx maybe derry BPD, but a couple of "platonic" relationships which crossed unhealthy probably were, for sure a former co-worker. She was a mess, I realized, once I let myself get enmeshed in her personal life. In the end, I'm left looking at me. Why did I feel the need to "rescue" these women?

Right.  Apparently, Im attracted to "waifs" too. So Im right there with you actually.  I will be spending the next few years trying to figure out why I feel the need to rescue... .I think, that is a pretty good instinct to have, to want to help people... .BUT, it is also something that can easily be taken advantage of by unsavory people without proper boundaries.  I realize now, that I should have walked away from every single relationship Ive been in at around the two month mark... .but I did not... .and that is my fault.  I cannot let that happen again. 

Huh I too am attracted to waifs.  Have been my whole life. My mom is a BPD waif hermit witch. 

I now know why and "because of my BPD mom" is only a facet of the complexity of why.

I was looking for a part of myself the same part the waif is looking for that is part of the reason the attraction is so strong. She wanted to help me to help her.  And vice versa.

[LostGhost]

Could have written everything here word for word. The last thing mine said to me while in the midst of breaking up with me and crying, "You were the best. You loved me the most out of everyone. I'll miss our singing together and our little dances. You're awesome. I'm a bad person." I don't know why she said any of that. It's not like she needed to compliment me while kicking me out the door.

Also attracted to waifs and plagued by the rescuer mentality. I didn't have a traumatic childhood. No broken home. No abuse. Came from a loving family and a healthy upbringing. My therapist stated I'm simply genetically wired that way - to be a fixer/rescuer and it could be healthy and fulfilling if I could detach a bit from the people I choose to rescue. Many doctors, therapists etc also have this rescuer trait... .but it becomes unhealthy if they can't detach.

[Tolou]

I they realize what they have given up or lost... .some do some don't and that goes for everyone beyond giving a person a label.  Maybe it is the shame or embarrassement that keeps people away, possible guilt or admitting fault, and if they is core belief that they are worthless and deserved etc... .why would they return, to cause themselves or you more pain?

And if it someone who coming from the development of 3-6 yr old as some say, without serious help and longterm committment to it, what would one really expect if they did return. maybe letting them go is the best to do, without any judgement, no one forces us to get into these relationships, or stay, or ignore redflags, these things happen.  Sometimes when you get into situations and things get out of control, bad things can happen and people can get hurt.  I don't believe it was an intention on either party, mine nor my ex to get hurt or for things to sour, but they did, and it the facts and reality that is left, that regardless of what good times there were, the bad were bad enough for me personally to say, I can't live this way, don't want to, wish you well and goodbye.  People have relationships with "normal" people and things end up not working out all the time, look at the divorce rate in the U.S. it's close to 50% so to say.  Maybe there just unrealtic expectations people place on one another and add that to unresloved issues, especially when dealing with trauma, once the fears are triggered, there is no turning it back to the begining when everything was so "sweet and happy". Accepting people for who they is what I am getting at, BPD or not, we have a choice of what we allow and don't allow in our lives, and if you were not aware of these things, by now many on here should have a good concept of what an unhealthy relationship is and to know, when enough is enough. 

[BacknthSaddle]

The most true statement from my ex I ever received was, "I'm going to hurt you because I love you". She cried and cried about this.  

What?  Wow.  Have you ever just sat down and really thought about that statement?  Its just so bizarre.  Why did we stay?  We had to know this person is mentally ill?

My previous ex said to me, "If I met you a few years earlier I would have chewed you up and spit you out. Be thankful you didnt know me back then".  I remember being like, "thats nice, dear"   Guess what?  She chewed me up and spit me out!  So many times I wish I walked away!  Normal people dont say these things!

In a similar vein, mine used to say, "I'm such a witch to you, but I'm your witch." (Replace w with a b).

I never knew how to respond to that. By then we had one kid.

I remembered recently that mine once said:

"Please don't ever leave me, no matter how horrible I am to you, no matter how much I say I don't need you."

And I said of course I won't!  It makes me sad to think that I was so enmeshed as to sacrifice my dignity again and again. And I too am attracted to waifs.

So anyway yes, I think there are probably moments when they "know," although their interpretations of events are different from ours. But then they dissociate and it's all gone.

[Split black]

Mine juggled all her eh boyfriends with varying degrees of intensity depending on how much she NEEDED one or the other for whatever reason. She recycles her exes for years and always always cheats. A few weeks ago during one of 6 recycles in a year for me... she said she was having a very strong desire to see a DJ at a club. There was something magical and she had to find out. ( She has moments of childlike honesty, but truly never reveals anything she clandestinely does after the fact) I asked her WHY she was texting me and convinced me to see her again... .and then I said WHY are you doing this with me and now want to sleep with someone else when you just went back to your so called love a few months ago... .and are cheating on him yet again. Then she starts crying uncontrollably... .like a baby... .just could not stop. She said I always do this to her. I stress her out... .   This went on for 15 min in my arms... .yeah... .hard to watch even as cynical as Ive become. Its almost impossible to hate her in spite of the pain and chaos shes brought into my life.

So she said its his fault because hes slept with other women when they were broken up. Its always someones fault. Then she looks at me and says its time we had sex again... .  I had no words.

As it turns out she did sleep with the DJ and he used her for a while and then lost her number... .she was devastated and then ignored him... .and made up stories. My guess is shes still pressing her attack on the guy. Who cares.

Im just glad Im out. Thank god Im out of the area and moving over a thousand miles away in 3 weeks.  They convince you to somehow accept the constant cuckolding you receive and then say thank you for including me in your roster.  

[Huh?]

Split Black... .thats so cold.  And so confusing.   Its so hard because our guts, and the advice we know is correct... .always tells us to stay away, yet our hearts hope that if they do come back, they couldnt possibly be disordered... .or the monster that we know that a pwBPD is.

Honestly, I dont know if my ex has been with somebody else.  No clue.  Shes acted aloof and flakey a lot since she kicked me out in march.  Blowing hot and cold... .but when we reconnected a couple months ago... .things seemed back to normal and I thought that there was no way she could have been.  I still to this day dont know.  All I know is that it is confusing... .and that the behavior is maddening.  Hopefully, I wont have to deal with any recycle attempts... .and honestly, I doubt I will. 

Now her sister, shes a different story.  She is like your ex.  She dates three guys at a time, using them for whatever she can get from them.  She is DEFINITELY uBPD.  My favorite example of her behavior... .(and this is the scariest part of this disorder) is she was dating this amazing man for awhile a few years before I met her.  Her family raved about what a great guy he was, how perfect he was.  She dumped him because he wanted to get married, and have kids.  She didnt want any of that, so she cut him off.  Her family told her how dumb she was, and still do to this day.   

Last year, he died in a plane crash.  DIED.  She was busy dating her usual trio of guys at the time, but she did take some time off from them to go to the funeral, pay her respects, then came right back to her rotation of men.  I asked my ex fiance at the time... .what was the point of her going?  He was already dead to her?  She just gave me a blank look.  Cold.  Heartless.  Thats BPD. 

[hergestridge]

They are just so differently wired, it's so hard to come on terms with. The fear of separation has nothing to do with clining to the past. Everything is future based for them. "Starting a new life" is an obsession for my exwife. For me it's just a nightmare, nothing I ever wanted to do.

If they had the ability to reflect over what they give up and leave behind, then they would also have the ability to learn from past experience. And the inability to do just that is one of their biggest problems.