ex BPDbf did a "walk by", or is he stalking?

[RedDove]

I've been NC with my ex BPDbf (was a 4 year LTR) for the past two weeks now. It's been very painful and difficult. Especially after finding out back in mid-June that he cheated on me. Likely not the first time either. Only upon confronting him about the lies and cheating did he finally reveal his dark secret, he was borderline, unstable, and supposedly in therapy for 12 years. It really broke my heart to smithereens! At the same time, upon doing research, it explained a lot about the roller coaster ride I had been on, the push/pull=breaking up & getting back together 3-4 times (recycled), black & white thinking, no grey. It was all about him, what he wanted.

Before I went NC, he was still texting me, saying how I had a first class body, that he loved me, how great our sex life was, etc. Seriously (my stomach turned), after everything he put me through, did he really think he'd recycle me again? I told him it was over, I was moving on to a new chapter in my life. 

We live in a small town, my ex BPDbf lives 1/2 mile away. Last week when I drove to Dunkin Donuts, I saw him out walking towards the center of town, I grabbed my latte and got outta there fast. I don't think he saw me. I'm trying to focus on me and move forward in my recovery. 

I figured out how to completely block him on FB this past weekend. I had unfiended him already, but did not want to be tempted to look at his page!

Today, I was sitting in front of my bay window on my iPad. I suddenly got the feeling someone was watching me. When I looked out the window, I saw my ex BPDbf walking by on the sidewalk, right in front of my house! I live on a side street, it's not a main walking route. He was walking fast and turned onto the main street. I went into my bedroom upstairs and peeked out the blind as he crossed the intersection between our two houses towards his house. 

There's been NC for over two weeks. Any thoughts on why he would walk by my house and come that close to me/my house? Do ex's w/BPD tend to check up on, or stalk their non-BPD ex's? Thoughts & comments welcome. Thanks.

[rollercoaster24]

Hi RedDove

Sounds a lot like he is stalking a little, (frequenting take out joints you might have gone to together, or places he knows you like), and walking past your house is definitely a way of trying to find out what your up to. Perhaps he wanted to see if there was a strange car at your house, (which in his mind would equate to a new boyfriend of yours).

This behaviour is common with exBPD's, even whilst they are pursuing new pastures themselves!

I also know that many of us (after break ups) continue to semi-stalk our exes, (perhaps checking out Facebook etc), but eventually we all move on, so it isn't necessarily behaviour only confined to BP's, however the likelihood of BP's continuing to do this long after break ups is higher.

My ex was caught on our CCTV going through our rubbish bins, I knew what he was looking for, as he knew that my daughter and her fiance' were moving out of my house, and I just know with BP's obsession with their lives, that he would have been trying to find out where they lived, he would also be looking for anything he thought might be useful to him, (credit card details, bank statements etc).

To date, since he has again contacted me over the last few weeks, he has no idea we had him on camera checking out our bins, and I wouldn't bother telling him either. But I do know he has been stalking me off and on every time we broke up, drive bys, stalking around at night, knocking on my window to scare me etc. There are no limits to what he is capable of.

Kind of scary really.

I know I suffer a lot more from PTSD these days... .

Sorry to hear this is happening to you too.

[RedDove]

Thanks Rollercoaster, I'm so sorry to hear about your stalking situation. Thus far mine is pretty low key with just the walk by vs. your ex BPD tapping on your window (oh my, that's very scary!) and going through your trash! It's no wonder you are experiencing PTSD. I understand, as I was shaken just by the walk by. I didn't want to leave my house yesterday. I hope your situation improves.

My ex BPD bf was never physical or violent in our 4 years together, but even so, you just don't know what goes through their mixed up minds, or what they are capable of! I feel like an old favorite blankie he got tired off and cast aside. He has a new blankie now, but still wants the old one too! Very sad and heart wrenching for me. I've researched and read so much about BPD since I found out he was borderline. But, I'm still learning!

[lipstick]

Hi RedDove,

I just wanted to chime in on this thread with my own "two cents worth". My exBPDbf has been giving me the Silent Treatment for almost two years now. He blocked me on Facebook this past December.

However, he continues to check out my FB page and react to what's going on in my life. After two years! I would imagine he has an alternate account that he uses for "spying".

My thoughts on this - they don't know how to detach from relationships. They don't do "closure" or work thru what happened. So they want to keep a connection to us in some form. There is no "abandonment" that way.

My ex never posts on FB anymore. Unless he is having an emotional meltdown due to a status of my own. It's bizarre, to say the least. How are you doing with your own healing?

[RedDove]

Thanks for your input lipstick, appreciate it. May I ask how you know your exbpf bf is viewing your FB page? I know on sites like LinkedIn (job site) you can see who has viewed your Profile. However, I don't think there was a way to check on FB? Just curious.

Your comment about abandonment and my ex BPDbf still wanting a view into my life makes sense. We knew each other 30 years ago in High School. He even dated my sister for a very brief period (a month) in high school. We grew up/currently live in the same small town and have a lot of shared and common history.

He was always very wistful and nostalgic. He even referred to me all the time by my maiden name. I've been divorced for 10+ years. A few times when he called my work cell I answered with my first name/current (married) last name. He got really upset with me, raised his voice, etc. Very strange. But I'm wondering now if he also has narcissistic traits (npd) with the Madonna/whore complex. He would always take selfies (pics of himself) and text them to me. During the 4 years of the relationship I only have two photo's of us together, which I took on a weekend we went away to the ocean. We could drive ourselves nuts with all of the questions.

I feel I'm doing okay, considering. I've been reading, researching, posting on the BPD board. Reflecting on the knowlwdge gained and the relationship. It's difficult, having found out he was borderline after the 3rd, 4th (I lost count) and final beak up. I always suspected something and had researched npd before he said he has BPD.

I've also read several books, one of them was Stop Caretaking the Borderline Narcissist. I found this a valuable book to self reflect and understand why I tolerated the emotional abuse. I'm a care taker and it stems from my painful childhood (old wounds) husband who cheated on me, and a boyfriend I dated shortly after my divorce who committed suicide.  I've also been walking and hanging out with family and friends who support me.

[lipstick]

Hi RedDeve,

Quote:

"Thanks for your input lipstick, appreciate it. May I ask how you know your exbpf bf is viewing your FB page? I know on sites like LinkedIn (job site) you can see who has viewed your Profile. However, I don't think there was a way to check on FB? Just curious.

Your comment about abandonment and my ex BPDbf still wanting a view into my life makes sense. We knew each other 30 years ago in High School. He even dated my sister for a very brief period (a month) in high school. We grew up/currently live in the same small town and have a lot of shared and common history.

He was always very wistful and nostalgic. He even referred to me all the time by my maiden name." unquote

So your "Tale of BPD" mirrors my own in many ways. My ex was also a boyfriend from high school. We reunited after 27 years, and, well... .you know the drill. No happy ending. He also wouldn't use my married last name either. Always my maiden name. My ex lives about 2 hours away. I don't think I could handle being in the same town with him.

You were asking about how I know he checks out my FB page. It's a tedious tale - will share in a minute.If you and your ex are both on FB, he probably keeps tabs on you, too. It's very common for them to do so.

So when I was discarded in October of 2012, I immediately "unfriended" my ex on FB. We never blocked each other. We both continued keeping tabs on each other. Unhealthy as heck on my part! I have been on the receiving end of the Silent Treatment since the discard. No communication.

Around June of 2013 - the ex began putting up posts on FB that were specifically directed at me. Kind, gentle things that (I suppose) were his way of trying to reach out to me without direct communication. He would also "act up" on FB. What I mean by that is - if I posted something on my own page that he took as a negative towards himself / or as a reference that I was in a new relationship - he would "erupt" and start putting up all kinds of nonsense "shares" and ridiculous things that made no sense. He was "self-soothing" by using FB as an emotional release. He DOES NOT POST ANYTHING on FB unless he is reacting to me. The proof is there. Many mutual friends have confirmed it. So there was my first clue that he had, indeed, been keeping tabs on me.

The next hit was in December of 2013. He began "following" me on FB. I ignored it. He then sent me a "Friend Request" on FB. I ignored it. I guess that pi$$ed him off and I was then blocked. Been blocked ever since. However, we have a mutual friend that knows what happened. We were all friends back in high school, so she know my ex and remembers when he and I dated. She watches him and what he does on FB. She finds it fascinating and sad. She reports on his activity from time to time. That's how I know a lot of what he's been doing since I was blocked. Anyway - since the blocking - I started receiving calls to my cell phone that came up on caller i.d. as "Private Name, Private Number".  I don't EVER get these types of calls. They always came on his days off and when I would be heading into work. Those finally stopped at the beginning of April.

In June - I put up a new cover photo on my FB page. It is a lovely picture of the lake he and I used to spend weekends at when we were together. He has a home on this lake. This was a very special place for the two of us. It has a HUGE amount of history for him. He loves the place and is fiercely protective of it. Anyway - the same night that I post the picture - my home phone rings and the caller i.d. displays "Private Name, Private Number". Then the next morning, our mutual friend reports that he put up a status on FB all about THE LAKE. Using a picture that I was familiar with. Coincidence? I think not.

Stuff like this continues to happen. My partner put up a new profile pic of me on FB about a month ago. It's a great picture - done in black and white - he did a good job with it. Guess what? That night our phone rang around 11:30p.m.  "Private name, Private number".  Two weeks later, I posted a cute little video on FB showing a new gizmo I purchased for my partner. Commented about how much he loved it and couldn't stop playing with it. The ex went into a "Friending Frenzy". Sixteen new buddies in one day. Also got the obligatory "Private" phone call.  Last Friday - a friend requested that I put up a pic showing my new hair cut. I did so. Guess what I got that night? Yep - a phone call.  I put up a post just yesterday showing a locale my partner and I are going to for my B'day weekend in October (I was discarded by ex two days before my b'day in 2012). This was a place the ex and I visited. Guess what I got last night? Yep - a phone call. Sheesh. I'm not intentionally baiting him. Just going on with my life. I'm not going to censor what I post just to spare his feelings.

So do you see how I know he's still keeping tabs on me? I can bet if both you and your ex are on FB, your ex is checking in on you, too. It's what a lot of them do. Some will create fake profiles and "Friend Request" you so that they can be on the fringes of your world. My ex does feel crappy about what he did to me. He just can't admit it to either me or himself. I think he feels in control by blocking me and pretending that I don't exist in order to "punish" me for not accepting his Friend Request. I also think he is a very unhappy guy, yet doesn't want the world to know it. He pretends, you know?  However, his spouse is quite a bit older than him. He is 51. She is 63. I am younger than my ex by a couple of years. I'm also in good shape, take care of myself, don't drink and have very few health issues. His spouse is an alcoholic, BPD, violent and not in good health. I think he is jealous of the new life I have worked very hard to achieve and like a little kid - acts out on FB when he sees something on my page that upsets him.

I hope this shows you how immature they actually are. It's taken me a long time to accept the disorder and everything that goes along with it. I also accept that he will probably always be on the fringes of my life. I don't know if he will ever have the guts to actually contact me - but anything is possible.

I love how you are handling your recovery. I'm available to chat more in depth via PM if you ever need a good ear. My family doesn't want to hear about BPDex any more. Their eyes glaze over if I mention his name. I don't blame them, either. Best wishes on your recovery! Take care!