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What is their thought process when confronted with...
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Topic: What is their thought process when confronted with... (Read 504 times)
Aussie JJ
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Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: apart 18 months, 12 months push pull 6 months seperated properly, 4 months k own about BPD
Posts: 865
What is their thought process when confronted with...
«
on:
July 31, 2014, 08:37:04 AM »
Ok,
I tried about 2 months ago to lay everything on the table and fix my relationship with BPB exgf. She semi acknowledged that she had BPD. Everything else, went hot and cold and did baby voice and rage voice the whole 9 yards.
At the end of it all it was too much. I love this person that is abusing me so I told her I tried but it was her that was abandoning me. I wasnt walking away she made that choice.
Now since then she has had major shame face and I actually feel bad. I want to tell her its ok blah blah blah. Make her feel better somehow.
Why do I care? Seriously. Why ?
How can I help without engaging. I can see the pain and its excruciating.
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maternal
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 155
Re: What is their though process when confronted with...
«
Reply #1 on:
July 31, 2014, 06:37:50 PM »
I don't think you can help. That's the thing... .
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Mutt
Retired Staff
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Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced Oct 2015
Posts: 10396
Re: What is their though process when confronted with...
«
Reply #2 on:
July 31, 2014, 07:44:19 PM »
Do you feel like you would take her back? If your not done and your not sure I would advise to post on the undecided board.
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"Let go or be dragged" -Zen proverb
Tausk
Formerly "Schroeder's Piano"
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 843
Re: What is their though process when confronted with...
«
Reply #3 on:
July 31, 2014, 08:19:51 PM »
The only gift of value that I give to my ex is... .NC.
Because any interaction will be skewed by the Disorder. Especially any enabling, comforting, or rescuing.
I can only hope that somehow she manages on her own to become self aware. The Disorder is an attachment Disorder and therefore needs people to feed on.
It sucks but the truth is:
The Disorder Always Wins.
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antjs
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 485
Re: What is their though process when confronted with...
«
Reply #4 on:
July 31, 2014, 09:02:17 PM »
as 2010 said the best gift you can give to your exBPD is to leave her alone and let go.
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patientandclear
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Relationship status: single
Posts: 2785
Re: What is their thought process when confronted with...
«
Reply #5 on:
July 31, 2014, 11:41:59 PM »
We had a whole debate on this topic a few weeks back that was illuminating, on a thread Corraline started. To recap what I said there, I think it is too easy to rationalize that NC and disengagement is better for the person wBPD. Why not just make the case that it is better for oneself/us? Is it our helped tendencies that require us to think the we're doing it "for" them, too?
How paternalistic would we find it if our pwBPD told us they were leaving us for our own good? Mine did. I found it devastating disempowering and infuriating.
The idea seems to be that if we don't engage with them they will ... .Engage with no one and thus their attachment disorder will have no one to play off of? But that is so very unlikely for most of our exes. They don't have no one. They get another person who knows less. They are aided and abetted in staying stuck in a dysfunctional coping cycle. Just not with us. Which may be great for us. But how does it help the pwBPD if it is unreasonable to expect that they will "hit bottom?" Because they can and will just get someone else?
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Aussie JJ
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: apart 18 months, 12 months push pull 6 months seperated properly, 4 months k own about BPD
Posts: 865
Re: What is their thought process when confronted with...
«
Reply #6 on:
July 31, 2014, 11:59:02 PM »
I find it infuriating how no matter your intentions it is viewed that your evil. This woman will be the death of me if I keep trying. I don't want to die... . simple.
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Blimblam
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2892
Re: What is their thought process when confronted with...
«
Reply #7 on:
August 01, 2014, 12:33:08 AM »
Quote from: Aussie JJ on July 31, 2014, 11:59:02 PM
I find it infuriating how no matter your intentions it is viewed that your evil. This woman will be the death of me if I keep trying. I don't want to die... . simple.
This is the same realization I myself came to. The withdrawals are excruciating. When you are ready accept defeat and survive.
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myself
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Re: What is their thought process when confronted with...
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Reply #8 on:
August 01, 2014, 12:46:47 AM »
When my r/s ended it quickly became, once and for all, every person for their self. I had said and expressed all there was, and she was obviously in another reality. It was going to get worse if we continued doing anything together, so it's been "It's good for me NC". Gradual acceptance. I turned away and faced it, both. Best choice. Didn't do it for her, though. It's for me. I love her, tried to leave without hurting her, but she had her walls up/arrows flying all along. The amount of overall truth, from her side, is questionable.
Honestly, when I laid it on the table, giving it that one last chance, I was trying to keep her hooked, too. Part of me wanted her to feel ashamed, apologize, and change. To prove her love for ME. I tried to challenge BPD, her ghosts and her patterns. It didn't work, and it's been a relief in many ways. I'm still unwinding from the tensions of how intense it was. Still letting go.
There was nothing I could do to wake her up, or help her, when she resisted it so fiercely. We care because we care. That's alright.
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SeekerofTruth
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 235
Re: What is their thought process when confronted with...
«
Reply #9 on:
August 01, 2014, 01:30:35 AM »
I've learned it is less about their thought process... .that's a loser' bet. It's about rebuilding my thought processes. These boards can be very helpful in that regard.
Quote from: myself on August 01, 2014, 12:46:47 AM
When my r/s ended it quickly became, once and for all, every person for their self. I had said and expressed all there was, and she was obviously in another reality. It was going to get worse if we continued doing anything together, so it's been "It's good for me NC". Gradual acceptance. I turned away and faced it, both. Best choice. Didn't do it for her, though. It's for me... .
Honestly, when I laid it on the table, giving it that one last chance, I was trying to keep her hooked, too. Part of me wanted her to feel ashamed, apologize, and change. To prove her love for ME. I tried to challenge BPD, her ghosts and her patterns. It didn't work, and it's been a relief in many ways. I'm still unwinding from the tensions of how intense it was. Still letting go.
There was nothing I could do to wake her up, or help her, when she resisted it so fiercely. We care because we care. That's alright.
What I can do, is do it for me... .do it for my future. The caregiver, the rescuer, the lover, the healer, the taking it the high road, the let's still have sex, the user and abuser in me... .were hooks. They were hooks that kept me hooked. The opportunity to begin again... .start all over... .alone... .yet in tact... .have a fresh start... .means my relationship with me begins to improve, my self-care, my tender kindness, my discipline it goes to my recovery. I need to spend less time in the past, as a mildly haunted ghost and befriend myself with honor, dignity, grace from my best most heart-felt future self... .one day, one moment, one week at a time. Talk is cheap. My wounds are severe enough to see the wisdom, utility, and pragmatism of letting go in order to heal and take a shot at full recovery.
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Blimblam
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2892
Re: What is their thought process when confronted with...
«
Reply #10 on:
August 01, 2014, 01:43:00 AM »
Ausie jj
These bonds are so deep that I am not even able to yet explain it to someone.
But each layer I work through releasing I find a new hook a new layer of the bond and I find myself once again bargaining in some kind of way. It's all apart of the process. The deeper you bonded the more layers you will have to work through.
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