Excusing your partner on their behalf

[NeedHelpPls]

Something I found myself doing while I was with a BPD ex-fiancee.

When you are in a happy, healthy relationship, there are so many

good things you could say about your partner.

How caring and thoughtful so and so is, things he/she did to show

loving care, what you appreciate about your partner and so on.

While there were many good qualities that fueled my attractions,

I found myself defending my partners action fierceley, when it

didnt even make sense to me. Abruptly cancelling plans with

friends the day of, so im left to explain why she could not make it,

when it has been planned for weeks, giving few hours notice.

I found myself defending her in front of my family, always telling

them how amazing and caring she is, sugar coat! sugar coat!

everything so that they will love her.

Then the day came when I couldnt handle it anymore and told my

family the truth and what I've had to endure being in a relationship

resulted in swift calling off of a wedding.

For those outside, it is so crystal clear that the relationship i was in was

indeed toxic. but for us who are involved, we try to see what little

good is left in the relationship.

I am having regrets about coming forward with my family,

and ending the engagement, but just how long can you

"sugar coat" your partner and pretend everything is peachy

and that you are happy when you are dying inside.

i still miss her, and i have desperately try to explain how it

wasnt all bad (im lying to myself i know), and its partially

my fault to. but the response i hear from my family and

close friends are, emphatic, and resounding,

"you are insane, dont even think about it"

Now i feel like I've casted her out.

but I could not do it anymore.

anyone experience the same thing? where you

had to always defend your partners actions when

it didnt make any sense to you?

[mapys]

YES, I have!

I have lied to myself so many times. Oh she must have felt this and that, she had traumatic experience etc.

No! That doesn't justify their actions. What I have seen is that the focus is always about them - they live in child-like egocentric world. Yes, if you are patient enough you can "teach" them to behave as you would expect - but that is like teaching a child to say "thank you". It is not automatic as you would expect it from adult.

I think reaching out to your family was the best thing you did. They know you best and they know what is and what isn't good for you. In a BPD relationship you loose yourself sip by sip until you won't recognize yourself anymore. So yes - Don't be hard on yourself - you did what your instincts told you and you were correct.

Keep strong!

[Pingo]

I went through a similar experience.  I don't know if I had sugar coated anything, I just omitted to telling people any of the negative stuff that was going on.  Then when we split the first time I told people EVERYTHING!  Including his family.  Then we got back together and I was so embarrassed that I had told them all our problems.  I hated that they knew what was going on because I felt like I must look like an idiot going back to him.  It even threatened one of my friendships because she didn't agree with me going back to him... .Now we are split again (for good if I can remain strong!) and I have talked openly again, it is too exhausting to not share the craziness plus we need the support!  Unfortunately my friend never got over that I went back to him and now our friendship has maybe ended as well (two losses at once is brutal, she was my best friend for 19 years). 

YES, I have!

I have lied to myself so many times. Oh she must have felt this and that, she had traumatic experience etc.

No! That doesn't justify their actions. What I have seen is that the focus is always about them - they live in child-like egocentric world. Yes, if you are patient enough you can "teach" them to behave as you would expect - but that is like teaching a child to say "thank you". It is not automatic as you would expect it from adult.

I think reaching out to your family was the best thing you did. They know you best and they know what is and what isn't good for you. In a BPD relationship you loose yourself sip by sip until you won't recognize yourself anymore. So yes - Don't be hard on yourself - you did what your instincts told you and you were correct.

Keep strong!

I totally relate to this, I always said from the beginning of our relationship that it was so high maintenance and it was like I was teaching him how to have a relationship as he was just so clueless and childlike!  It was all an act I guess, certainly not automatic.

[OutOfEgypt]

Yes, I found myself defending my ex a lot.  Of course, whenever I complained about her, she would accuse me of "spreading things" about her, so I always felt guilty for talking to someone about the hell she was putting me through.  More isolation.  But yes, I found myself defending her for a while... .part of walking on eggshells, part of making sure she was happy with me, probably part of me living in denial about reality, too.

I used to defend her to my family and to others, even joining her side of blaming them when she painted them black.  Looking back, it was foolish.  I understand my desire to be on her side and validate her feelings, but I knew in my gut that she was completely over-reacting and distorting things out of her own brokenness.

I carried a lot of shame for things, though, and would tell "white lies".  Church was one example.  People would ask why my wife never came to church with me.  I would say,  "Well, she has problems with depression or something like that."  Half true, but pretty much a lie.  I spent many years 'hiding in plain sight', as they call it.

I eventually came to realize that I really couldn't think of anything good about her.  That is sad to say, but it is true.  I strain to think of things about her character that are redeeming and good.  I know there are ways she can act that are good, but I've come to see that it's all an act.  Her life is on stage, all theatrics.  The one thing about her that I think is actually genuine is her protectiveness of our children from sexual predators.  When she tells me that a certain person makes her uncomfortable in that way, I listen.  She has a gut-sense about sexual predators because she was sexually abused by a family member as a child.  However, she also *is* a sexual predator, now, in a real sense -not a pedophile, but still a predator.

[NeedHelpPls]

I eventually came to realize that I really couldn't think of anything good about her.  That is sad to say, but it is true.  I strain to think of things about her character that are redeeming and good. 

I agree with you on this one... .  I always felt guilty about having to strain to think of something good to say. Granted there are qualities that I found to be attractive and genuine, such as love of animals, punctuality... .etc.

After calling off the wedding, telling my bestman (or who would have been my best man) about it he asked, "why did you stick around for so long? was anything good?" and to that, I had to pause for a while and eventually came up with nothing.

[OutOfEgypt]

Yes, it does feel "bad", too.  I've felt guilty about it, but it's like... .I realized that it isn't bitterness that is saying that.  Could it actually be true and I am one of the few who has the guts to say it aloud?  I'm sure there are some things, but I really can't think of them without seeing how those character traits were really just an act that was quickly discarded when no longer needed or when her blessed needs were not being met.

[tired-of-it-all]

Defending the BPD is a part of our insanity.  I don't do it anymore.  I try to stay in the truth.  If she does something good I try to admit it without going overboard.  If she does something bad, when it is appropriate to admit it I do that also.  I don't have to keep her sick or stupid secrets.  I don't owe her that.  I also don't have to pretend she is good when she is not.  I don't have to make excuses for her.  She is not a child or someone who is retarded.  She is a grown-ass woman and needs to be held to the standards of a grown woman.

[OutOfEgypt]

tired-of-it-all,

Good attitude.  Especially about giving her credit when she's doing something good/right.  Viewing her as a demon is just another way of keeping her somehow "special"?  She's not.  She's not an angel.  She's not the big bad wolf.  She's just a person.