The need to help others & quick to forgive

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi all,

As I have stated earlier, I have a father with BPD, which I only recently found out about. I realized something about myself that I struggle with, I think because I was always helping him and forgiving him. The last 6 years have been kind of chaotic years, due to worry about people with unstable lives. It went from one chaotic friendship where I was giving way too much and being manipulated, to another where I was caring for my 18 year old cousin and supporting her. I eventually was strong enough to tell my cousin that I could not let her live rent free any longer and it ended pretty badly. In both relationships there have been things said that still make me sad and resentful. But I forgive and still talk to them, and find myself being the one to apologize. Now I feel somewhat of an empty void, living mostly without those chaotic relationships that constantly needed help and saving. I have normal friends, but I find myself missing being NEEDED. I'm in a doctorate program, so it isn't like I have time to sit and ruminate. But days like today I just get so frustrated at myself for missing people that took a lot from me and hurt me. It's frustrating and I don't know if it's normal.

Thanks for listening.

[ballerina82]

Hi all,

As I have stated earlier, I have a father with BPD, which I only recently found out about. I realized something about myself that I struggle with, I think because I was always helping him and forgiving him. The last 6 years have been kind of chaotic years, due to worry about people with unstable lives. It went from one chaotic friendship where I was giving way too much and being manipulated, to another where I was caring for my 18 year old cousin and supporting her. I eventually was strong enough to tell my cousin that I could not let her live rent free any longer and it ended pretty badly. In both relationships there have been things said that still make me sad and resentful. But I forgive and still talk to them, and find myself being the one to apologize. Now I feel somewhat of an empty void, living mostly without those chaotic relationships that constantly needed help and saving. I have normal friends, but I find myself missing being NEEDED. I'm in a doctorate program, so it isn't like I have time to sit and ruminate. But days like today I just get so frustrated at myself for missing people that took a lot from me and hurt me. It's frustrating and I don't know if it's normal.

Thanks for listening.

[Wrecked]

I've never really felt needed by my BPDs so it's very hard for me to respond to that part of your post however I can tell you that for the longest time I was the one apologizing/forgiving/trying to make amends when I truly felt that I was not the offending party. I wanted to keep the peace.

I missed some of my BPDs for a long while but I have accepted and yet am saddened that I will never have good relationships with them. The ones I missed less have stronger BPD traits. After having reached a really dark place due to all the hurt, I really don't miss any of them all that much any more. I've really started looking out for me now.

[P.F.Change]

Yes, I'd say most of us with a BPD parent or sibling have been taught to give up our own needs in order to take care of theirs. When that rescuing becomes part of our identity we may be co-dependent. Article 13: Codependency: When Our Emotional Issues Affect Our True Availability. I also like this one: SELF-AWARE: Are you supporting or enabling?

We need to learn where our boundaries are and how to take care of them. This is one of my favorite resources here: BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence.

Does it mean anything about who you are as a person if someone doesn't like you because you said no? What would it be like to allow other people to be responsible for their own "stuff," and the natural consequences that go with it? Sometimes it really helps to be able to work through these issues with a therapist--do you have one you can talk to?

Wishing you peace,

PF

[Gerda]

I have a problem with this too. When I was in middle and high school, I felt like I had to be my mom's emotional support, especially after my parents divorced when I was 16.

That mindset managed to leak into a romantic relationship I had in college with a guy that, in hindsight, may have had NPD. I did ALL the work in that relationship, and always blamed myself if he was unhappy with anything (which he was all too happy to agree with). Any problems were always because I wasn't a good enough girlfriend.

I was finally so concerned that I was so terrible that I went to therapy so that I could learn to be a better girlfriend. After all, I was the messed up one here, right? So I needed therapy, right?

The therapist started trying to teach me how to negotiate in the relationship and set proper boundaries, and started to show me that maybe some of the things he was doing were problems too. When I started trying to use some of the techniques I learned, he dumped me. Maybe he realized I was onto him or something. I was pretty heartbroken at first, but after a while I realized what a jerk he was.

But I think my mom made me vulnerable to being in that kind of relationship to begin with. I have really poor boundaries, allow people to treat me with disrespect and walk all over me, and assume that everything is always my fault. My mom, intentionally or not, brought me up to be a doormat.

Now I'm married to a really wonderful man, but I still have trouble figuring out where to draw the line. When we have an argument, when is it him that's being unreasonable, and when am I really in the wrong? It's very hard for me to tell now. It's something that I have to keep working on.

[Change2014]

This is a huge problem for me as well.  My uBPD mother relied on me tremendously for emotional support as a young child.  I find myself always trying to take care of her emotional needs and feeling uneasy if I sense that something is not right with her.  I am also too quick to forgive.  I was taught this at a young age when my mother would rage and then hours later ask me in a chipper voice if I want to go out to lunch.  Nothing ever gets dealt with and I always forgive to keep the peace.