Question on car title

[Our abuse recovery guide]

So it's been a while since I posted here, but I have been NC with my uBPDm for 4 years now. It's been heaven! Really has! But I have to move 2,000 miles away for work. And my car title is in both my name and her name - had the car since high school.

I need to get the title signed over to me, so I'm gonna have to go see her to get it signed over. Any advice before I go? I really hate I'm ending the 4 year streak.

[Orange]

So it's been a while since I posted here, but I have been NC with my uBPDm for 4 years now. It's been heaven! Really has! But I have to move 2,000 miles away for work. And my car title is in both my name and her name - had the car since high school.

I need to get the title signed over to me, so I'm gonna have to go see her to get it signed over. Any advice before I go? I really hate I'm ending the 4 year streak.

[littlebirdcline]

Is there someone you could get to meet her for you?  Or at least have someone accompany you?

[Orange]

Is there someone you could get to meet her for you?  Or at least have someone accompany you?

Yes, thanks for thinking of that. I can have my brother go with me.

[littlebirdcline]

Good luck!  If I were in your situation, I would be trying to prepare myself not to get caught up in any drama.  My tendency is to argue and defend myself, and then feel stupid about it after.  Just mentally prepare yourself for any scenario- you never know what a BPD will do, what mood they will be in.  Let us know how it goes!

[HappyChappy]

Do you have to meet ? In my country an intermedary can collect the signures. If not, then just close off all her angles. So have an excuse for the meeting to be short and to the point. Don't enguage at all. My brother's approach is just to shrug his shoulders if my BPDm asks him a question. He makes no eye contact and says nothing. Good to hear NC has worked for you, I'm 9 months in and loving it.

[Orange]

Do you have to meet ? In my country an intermedary can collect the signures. If not, then just close off all her angles. So have an excuse for the meeting to be short and to the point. Don't enguage at all. My brother's approach is just to shrug his shoulders if my BPDm asks him a question. He makes no eye contact and says nothing. Good to hear NC has worked for you, I'm 9 months in and loving it.

This was very good advice. I wanted to give you all the summary on what happened.

I went NC to my uBPDm three years ago after she took out a loan without telling me on my vehicle one day when she borrowed it. Going NC was immensely helpful. I've been much more happier and less-terrorized. I really feel like I've rapidly developing personally which I should have probably been doing at a much younger age.

Being that I'm about to move far away for work, I needed the car title before leaving town, and she would have to sign the back of it to turn it over to me. Before I went NC with her, I tried to get her to sign the title over and she wouldn't do it.

So I texted her two days ago, saying I needed to meet with her and talk. She said that was fine and we set a time. Yesterday I went over and we caught up a little. She asked a million questions, tried to pry for information on my professional career, and more, but I was vague and didn't give anything specific. She started crying when she heard I was moving and she also then started going into what she had been doing, though I hadn't asked. She started giving me sad stories about her, her sister, and my grandmother. I move in two days and she wanted to see me again to have dinner, but I was very evasive about that, saying I had a lot to do in two days and wasn't sure that was going to happen. She also said "I'll have to fly to NEW TOWN to see you." - Any thoughts on this? She doesn't know where I'll be living or where the company will be.

Also, two takeaways I thought of while being there with her.

1) I felt like her updates on herself and her side of the family were just very sad, negative, and depressing. Not for me, but it was almost like a black cloud feelings surrounded her.

2) I felt like she was just going through the motions, saying "you know I love you", "I'm proud of you", etc. even though I wasn't making eye contact and for the most part said nothing. She actually thought I was there to tell her I was moving, instead of getting the title. Which I guess is a good thing? Because if I was more direct about the title, I wouldn't have a chance to get her to sign it. I was just shocked because I could tell she couldn't read body language nor did she have any intuition.

I will probably have to go back out there tomorrow to get her to sign it. She said she would sign it, she just didn't have it and I have to go get a new title for her to sign. Any thoughts on that?

[P.F.Change]

She also said "I'll have to fly to NEW TOWN to see you." - Any thoughts on this? She doesn't know where I'll be living or where the company will be.

Do you want her to fly out to see you? Do you want her to know where you're moving?

Also, two takeaways I thought of while being there with her.

1) I felt like her updates on herself and her side of the family were just very sad, negative, and depressing. Not for me, but it was almost like a black cloud feelings surrounded her.

Many people with BPD are very sad people. It can affect how they see the world around them. Does this realization change anything about the way you see your mother?

2) I felt like she was just going through the motions, saying "you know I love you", "I'm proud of you", etc. even though I wasn't making eye contact and for the most part said nothing. She actually thought I was there to tell her I was moving, instead of getting the title. Which I guess is a good thing? Because if I was more direct about the title, I wouldn't have a chance to get her to sign it. I was just shocked because I could tell she couldn't read body language nor did she have any intuition.

It sounds like you set it up so that she would think you were just there to talk. So it makes sense to me that she would see it that way. Also, studies have shown that people with BPD interpret facial expressions less accurately than people without it.

I will probably have to go back out there tomorrow to get her to sign it. She said she would sign it, she just didn't have it and I have to go get a new title for her to sign. Any thoughts on that?

My only thought is in that case, you could have taken a new title with you to begin with and then not had to schedule a second meeting. However what's done is done and so that's not very constructive advice.  I'm sure you can handle whatever comes up. Taking a third party along may reduce the chances that she will refuse to sign it over. Thinking about your boundaries ahead of time will help you know how you will respond to other questions she may ask while you're there.

For instance, how do you want to respond when she asks to come see you? Will she expect regular contact now that you have reconnected in person, and how do you want to address that?

Wishing you peace,

PF

[Orange]

Do you want her to fly out to see you? Do you want her to know where you're moving?

No. The only reason I reached out to her is to get the car title.

Also, two takeaways I thought of while being there with her.

Many people with BPD are very sad people. It can affect how they see the world around them. Does this realization change anything about the way you see your mother?

It doesn't really change my realization, I realized some of this as I went NC, but the resentment wasn't there like it was 3 years ago when I went NC.

It sounds like you set it up so that she would think you were just there to talk. So it makes sense to me that she would see it that way. Also, studies have shown that people with BPD interpret facial expressions less accurately than people without it.

I'm still trying to figure out if that was the right or wrong thing. Obviously can't go back and change it now, but I really think there was no other way to get the title signed by her. I tried going to her once before NC and as I stayed on point to just get the signature from her, she bounced all over the place then refused to sign it. So this time I thought I'd let her ask some questions, I'd answer them vaguely, and then I'd get the signature. Which I did get yesterday.

Now she's asking if I'll call her and that sort of stuff, and honestly I don't want to still. I felt in complete control in the two situations I interacted with her. But she's called me two or three times to see if I needed help moving which I said "No, I'm busy, I have to go."

For three years with NC I had her number blocked, I'm thinking about doing it again, but since the recent interactions were hardly a blip on the radar, I'm not sure.

Has anyone gone NC, then LC, then back to NC?

My only thought is in that case, you could have taken a new title with you to begin with and then not had to schedule a second meeting. However what's done is done and so that's not very constructive advice.  I'm sure you can handle whatever comes up. Taking a third party along may reduce the chances that she will refuse to sign it over. Thinking about your boundaries ahead of time will help you know how you will respond to other questions she may ask while you're there.

For instance, how do you want to respond when she asks to come see you? Will she expect regular contact now that you have reconnected in person, and how do you want to address that?

Wishing you peace,

PF

Right now I don't want her to come see me. I think she does expect regular contact and I don't want that, and I'm not sure how to address it. Thoughts?