Has this all been some kind of crazy dream?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

The frustration and rollercoaster ride of the last few months have left me reeling and lately feeling quite lost and faded.

The energy of the discovery/awakening that my mother is quite disordered, the exhilaration of freedom that it meant in so many ways has left me and I'm feeling an emotional 'hangover.'

Not sure what's caused it but I'm feeling this child like desire to 'run back to Mum' and take everything back and go live in the illusion again. Angry that I ever found out. Sad that I can't pretend that things will ever be  the same again. Disappointed that we will never have the same freedom of speech again now that I have set and insist on maintaining boundaries.

Sad that it feels like it's all my fault.

I even for awhile there thought maybe I've imagined all this? Maybe it's not as bad as all that? Maybe the childhood trauma and abuse and emotional distortions and energy sapping selfcentredness of my mother was imaginary?

Then i face this one incontrovertible fact - that not once not ONCE has she reached out to me in all these months of upheaval and asked "Are you okay?"

Using every gimmick to get my attention and 'get me back where I was' except actually connecting with me as a mother to daughter. (A pipe dream I know but there have been signs of it before)

I am so sad and just can't shake the feeling that I'll never be as happy as I was.

Technically I KNOW it's better than living a lie and that I'm probably just lost after living the same way for 45 years. Technically it's just fear of being someone different on my own ... .but in my heart I feel like I have lost my best friend and I'm never ever going to be able to have her back.

Rose coloured glasses? Probably. It was probably all an illusion but it doesn't stop it from hurting like hell today.

[Ziggiddy]

The frustration and rollercoaster ride of the last few months have left me reeling and lately feeling quite lost and faded.

The energy of the discovery/awakening that my mother is quite disordered, the exhilaration of freedom that it meant in so many ways has left me and I'm feeling an emotional 'hangover.'

Not sure what's caused it but I'm feeling this child like desire to 'run back to Mum' and take everything back and go live in the illusion again. Angry that I ever found out. Sad that I can't pretend that things will ever be  the same again. Disappointed that we will never have the same freedom of speech again now that I have set and insist on maintaining boundaries.

Sad that it feels like it's all my fault.

I even for awhile there thought maybe I've imagined all this? Maybe it's not as bad as all that? Maybe the childhood trauma and abuse and emotional distortions and energy sapping selfcentredness of my mother was imaginary?

Then i face this one incontrovertible fact - that not once not ONCE has she reached out to me in all these months of upheaval and asked "Are you okay?"

Using every gimmick to get my attention and 'get me back where I was' except actually connecting with me as a mother to daughter. (A pipe dream I know but there have been signs of it before)

I am so sad and just can't shake the feeling that I'll never be as happy as I was.

Technically I KNOW it's better than living a lie and that I'm probably just lost after living the same way for 45 years. Technically it's just fear of being someone different on my own ... .but in my heart I feel like I have lost my best friend and I'm never ever going to be able to have her back.

Rose coloured glasses? Probably. It was probably all an illusion but it doesn't stop it from hurting like hell today.

[beatup]

I wish it was a dream... .

but alas it is not... .

Breakups and losses are in the top 10 stressful/traumatic events and I know personally that the deaths of my parents... .well that never goes away, we just learn some way of coping with that. I will never be as happy as I was when they were living. And that just sucks doesn't it?

  I have a bad day or 2 now & then... .feeling the loss of my uBPD sis... .then I rally back... .it is a roller coaster indeed.

  yes then there are the irrefutable facts ... .likely more than one of those too... .that "help" us to see the logical reasons why it is the way that it is.

I do understand all that you are feeling with this... .and it can tear you up some days... .no doubt.

[P.F.Change]

I am so sad and just can't shake the feeling that I'll never be as happy as I was.

Were you really happy though? Or did you need to believe that you were?

I'm sorry you're hurting today. Maybe you've got the > and < of it all mixed up... .maybe it's a good thing to never be as happy as you were, if you are in fact ultimately moving toward the direction of greater happiness. Just a thought. For me doing all the hard, painful work brought me to a place where I can finally open up and accept joy into my life. Sometimes it helps to check back in with the Survivor's Guide and see where things are heading.

[Change2014]

Hi Ziggidy... .I understand what you are feeling.  Once I truly realized that my mom is disordered, I felt the most incredible loss.  Even though my mom is alive, it feels as though the person I thought I knew is dead and that she is never coming back.  My mom and I were so close when I was growing up.  Now, we are oceans apart.  I feel empty and there is a part of me like you that wants to run back to my mom and feel that closeness again.  The sad thing too is that I realize that the closeness that we had was also largely about her own needs and and that it was really unhealthy.  But I still want to be go back.  I was the golden child and now I am scapegoat and it is so painful.  My therapist has told me repeatedly that I don't really want to give up myself to be back in her web, but this alternative is so painful too.  Hoping that the hurting stops for us all... .

[Progress Not Perfection]

Not sure what's caused it but I'm feeling this child like desire to 'run back to Mum' and take everything back and go live in the illusion again. Angry that I ever found out. Sad that I can't pretend that things will ever be  the same again. Disappointed that we will never have the same freedom of speech again now that I have set and insist on maintaining boundaries.

Sad that it feels like it's all my fault.

I even for awhile there thought maybe I've imagined all this? Maybe it's not as bad as all that? Maybe the childhood trauma and abuse and emotional distortions and energy sapping selfcentredness of my mother was imaginary?

Ziggidy, I can totally relate. I just started NC with my uBPD mom, so that I can work on my own healing without constantly feeling like I need to communicate with her. Lately I have been working on step 3 and 4 of the survivors guide, and the image of a roller coaster fits exactly. Some days I feel so so low, angry, sad, mourning the loss of my childhood. Other days I can pretty much talk myself completely out of my feelings and start thinking I'm making too big of a deal out of it, and I also have that child like desire to just run back and get some of the love and nurturing that I did experience. I feel like with my mom there is some genuine love there, but I am having a hard time now figuring out what was healthy love and what was unhealthy emotional incest. It's a really tough process, especially because it means we have to give up the emotional closeness that we were used to. I liken it to a spider web that looks like a bird's nest. It appears nurturing, but is tremendously sticky. I think what helps me is 1) reading posts like yours to know I'm not alone! (thanks!  ) and 2) asking myself if the real love is worth all of the other junk I end up taking with me, that sticks around long after the feelings of nurturance/safety/etc. have dissipated.

As others have shared on these boards, I also try to see myself as my own parent sometimes -- what would a healthy parent say to me about my feelings right now? How can I treat myself kindly tonight, as though I was my own small child? This helps replace constantly hearing her voice in my head... .which also contributes to those thoughts of "did I just make this up?"

I hope you are finding lots of great ways to take of yourself right now, in the ways that she coulnd't. 

[Ziggiddy]

Thanks for your replies, guys. It's always helpful to compare notes.

beatup - I'm glad you pointed out about the stress part of breakups and loss. it's worth remembering that there is a cycle to this and it's ok to feel sad and a sense of loss.

PFC - as always you make me think and I'm grateful for this. Odd how you mentioned the Survivor Guide as I had thought of reading it yesterday then clean forgot. It is worth a review.

Change2014 - I welled up reading your post there. it really touched me. I was grateful to hear someone else feels like this too sometimes.

Hi Ziggidy... .I understand what you are feeling.  Once I truly realized that my mom is disordered, I felt the most incredible loss.  Even though my mom is alive, it feels as though the person I thought I knew is dead and that she is never coming back.  My mom and I were so close when I was growing up.  Now, we are oceans apart.  I feel empty and there is a part of me like you that wants to run back to my mom and feel that closeness again.  The sad thing too is that I realize that the closeness that we had was also largely about her own needs and and that it was really unhealthy.  But I still want to be go back.  I was the golden child and now I am scapegoat and it is so painful.  My therapist has told me repeatedly that I don't really want to give up myself to be back in her web, but this alternative is so painful too.  Hoping that the hurting stops for us all... .

Thank you so much for all this honesty.

I was going to respond to something you said but on rereading it it ALL feels the same to me. Exactly the same. The closeness you felt was about her needs - if I'm honest I would say the same - when I'm not busy wishing about things - as in while I'm not busy focussing on the nice parts instead of the reality which was 90 % annoying, painful confusion.

Like you I was the Golden Child and now I've 'lost favour' by having my own needs and wanting them to be met. Thank you for saying this as it helped me to identify an important part of my sense of loss.

I guess I know that not only will I never feel quite the same way again, neither will she. And it's just further indictment that she IS disordered because why would anyone want their daughter to feel that way if they were normal? At least I can focus on the part that says even as I'm losing her I'm gaining me! Whoever that turns out to be ... ..

[Ziggiddy]

OMW progress! You have hit the nail on the head over and over! A spider's web that looks like a nest - what an incredibly apt way to describe it! Yes! Relatable

And giving up the closeness we were used to. Oh my. Resounding. I can barely describe the emotions I felt reading that all.

Thank you. And thanks for the support validation and reminder to care for myself.

I really appreciate these words

[Gone2Long]

 

I understand... .

I guess I know that not only will I never feel quite the same way again, neither will she. And it's just further indictment that she IS disordered because why would anyone want their daughter to feel that way if they were normal? At least I can focus on the part that says even as I'm losing her I'm gaining me! Whoever that turns out to be ... ..

And this is very well put.  I especially agree with the part about "... .why would anyone want their daughter to feel that way if they were normal?... ."  Why, indeed?  As a parent, our instinct is to alieviate pain in our children, not cause it or be indifferent to it. 

Example:  We moved cities this Summer and my daughter has decided to live with her father during week so she can finish her grade 12 at the same school.  I understand why she wants to do this (or attempt it, at least) and am going to miss her dearly... .feels like the job of raising her is unfinished or something.  It's been painful for me (for all kinds of reasons) and she knows that but after some difficult processing of this information, as her mother I will be by her side and I've made her very aware of THAT, which is most important.  With disordered parents, there would be not even the attempt at understanding and trying to work with the situation. 

I was certainly never a "Golden Child" in my mother's eyes growing up... .I believe she had... *ahem*... ."other" names for me (and used them when the mood suited her or when she felt she could derive sufficient shock value).

Bless you and although this is painful... .you are on a good path

[Harri]

Hi ziggiddy.  I just want to join the others and say that I too can relate to the sadness and grief over what I thought I had and what I still sometimes wish I had.

At least I can focus on the part that says even as I'm losing her I'm gaining me! Whoever that turns out to be ... ..

That right there shows you have found your own gold in the awful mess.  I think of these moments of sadness and grief as a compass of sorts to find my own path or gold.  I'd much prefer a different type of compass, but this is what I have and I am going to use it to my advantage. 

[Ziggiddy]

Thank you gonetoolong and Harri for your helpful thoughts. Perspective is so useful and I am grateful for the effort it takes to put your thoughts out there and respond to my comments.

Gonetoolong, I am sorry for the sadness you must have felt to be called names by your own mother. How very painful for you.

With disordered parents, there would be not even the attempt at understanding and trying to work with the situation. 

that is so true. So very heartbreakingly true. I am resentful of the self dominance that this reflects. Such destructive egocentricity. if I am completely honest I find it very very difficult to forgive or even feel compassion about. i am struggling with the selfishness this embodies.

Like you say, our own children do not get that, why should we have?

  I think of these moments of sadness and grief as a compass of sorts to find my own path or gold. 

Harri I'm not often a 'rose-coloured' glasses type of person but you certainly pulled a pearl out of that oyster! What an insightful and profoundly positive thing to say. Really made me think. And I wonder if I am avoiding the pain of grief instead of just going through it?

I will certainly give that more thought.

Thank you.