recycle attempt response

[Infern0]

Hi xxxxx

No, I don't hate you.  I accept what happened and why.

Do you remember the text you sent me that night, the really long one when we were both sat up until 5am.  The truth is,  I didn't understand it, I didn't know what it all meant,  I picked out the bits I wanted to see and disregarded the rest.

Now though,  I do understand.  I understand what you were trying to tell me. I understand how you feel. I know why everything happened the way it did.

I knew I would hear from you again, I made my own decisions about what to do when you did.

I want you in my life,  but if you want someone to bury their head in the sand,  if you want someone to enable,  if you want someone who is going to use you for selfish ends, then I'm afraid it's not me. But trust me you won't have a hard time finding someone like that.

You told me many times you want to get better,  and I want you too as well. 

If you want someone to support you,  someone who has your back,  someone who will commit to being by your side,  then that's me. You may not like me at times,  because I now pride myself on being honest no matter what. I will never use you for selfish ends. I will never exploit you.  And I will never enable.

I realize the chances of you accepting this are slim to none,  but I roll the dice and hope God will see it in his wisdom that this is right.  If you cut me out then I can at least say I tried.

I'd you are not ready now, then I hope one day you are,  and you remember me, the guy who banned sexual contact because I knew it wasn't right,  the guy who took the time to understand instead of gaming. 

I swore to you once I'd never abandon you,  I told you we were one,  I don't lie and I don't break my promises,  I will never abandon you in my heart and in my mind. 

I prey this gets through.  It is all I have.

[Lolster]

Hi xxxxx

No, I don't hate you.  I accept what happened and why.

Do you remember the text you sent me that night, the really long one when we were both sat up until 5am.  The truth is,  I didn't understand it, I didn't know what it all meant,  I picked out the bits I wanted to see and disregarded the rest.

Now though,  I do understand.  I understand what you were trying to tell me. I understand how you feel. I know why everything happened the way it did.

I knew I would hear from you again, I made my own decisions about what to do when you did.

I want you in my life,  but if you want someone to bury their head in the sand,  if you want someone to enable,  if you want someone who is going to use you for selfish ends, then I'm afraid it's not me. But trust me you won't have a hard time finding someone like that.

You told me many times you want to get better,  and I want you too as well. 

If you want someone to support you,  someone who has your back,  someone who will commit to being by your side,  then that's me. You may not like me at times,  because I now pride myself on being honest no matter what. I will never use you for selfish ends. I will never exploit you.  And I will never enable.

I realize the chances of you accepting this are slim to none,  but I roll the dice and hope God will see it in his wisdom that this is right.  If you cut me out then I can at least say I tried.

I'd you are not ready now, then I hope one day you are,  and you remember me, the guy who banned sexual contact because I knew it wasn't right,  the guy who took the time to understand instead of gaming. 

I swore to you once I'd never abandon you,  I told you we were one,  I don't lie and I don't break my promises,  I will never abandon you in my heart and in my mind. 

I prey this gets through.  It is all I have.

Am I right in assuming she contacted you with something along the lines of "I know you probably hate me... ."?

This was how my pwBPD recycled, they are looking for confirmation that you don't hate them to gauge whether they can reycle.  I'm not sure how long you've been out, I'd been out six years when I got this kind of recycle correspondence. I also responded that I didn't hate him, which was true, I simply hadn't even thought about him in years.  And the fact that he thought I held any kind of hate for him so long after should have been a major  .  I never did hate him, I still don't, I just disliked his behaviour. 

Despite me telling him that he still reverted to those very behaviours very quickly.  The other parts of your response that I have highlighted I think will just give your pwBPD the confirmation she requires that she can come and go and you'll stick around no matter how she treats you.

Can you live with being her therapist?  It sounds like that's what you are offering?  But the truth is that you have triggered her in the past and she will not allow you to be her crutch.  Their very nature makes them seek out the people who want to 'help' them, and then they throw it back in your face after adding acid. 

[Tater tot]

Am I right in assuming she contacted you with something along the lines of "I know you probably hate me... ."?

This was how my pwBPD recycled, they are looking for confirmation that you don't hate them to gauge whether they can reycle.  I'm not sure how long you've been out, I'd been out six years when I got this kind of recycle correspondence. I also responded that I didn't hate him, which was true, I simply hadn't even thought about him in years.  And the fact that he thought I held any kind of hate for him so long after should have been a major  .  I never did hate him, I still don't, I just disliked his behaviour. 

How interesting. My ex BPDbf  recycled after 10+ years using that same line, " you must hate me". We were teenagers back then and aside from walking on eggshells even then, I never thought about his behavior, nor did I view this reconnection as a recycle attempt. I did also think it was odd as I hadn't thought about him for years, so why would I hate him, we were kids. Perhaps they use this line to yes gauge if a reconnected is possible, but I think also to pull on our empathy, of course we don't hate them,  and feeds the ego.

Inferno- your respond is empathic, loving and sincere. I hate to say it but I don't thing you'll get a response that contains 1/10 the loving sincerity that you are offering.

[drummerboy]

Inferno- your respond is empathic, loving and sincere. I hate to say it but I don't thing you'll get a response that contains 1/10 the loving sincerity that you are offering.

Yep. They are so self absorbed, everything is about their stuff. They seem incapable of empathy. This is the main negative I remember about my ex, she made 95% of the conversation (which was a feat as I'm a bit of a chatterbox myself) and 99% of what came out of her mouth was about her. I actually do not recall her ever actually asking "And how are YOU doing" She may have but I don't recall. It's always about them.

[Lolster]

Am I right in assuming she contacted you with something along the lines of "I know you probably hate me... ."?

This was how my pwBPD recycled, they are looking for confirmation that you don't hate them to gauge whether they can reycle.  I'm not sure how long you've been out, I'd been out six years when I got this kind of recycle correspondence. I also responded that I didn't hate him, which was true, I simply hadn't even thought about him in years.  And the fact that he thought I held any kind of hate for him so long after should have been a major  .  I never did hate him, I still don't, I just disliked his behaviour. 

How interesting. My ex BPDbf  recycled after 10+ years using that same line, " you must hate me". We were teenagers back then and aside from walking on eggshells even then, I never thought about his behavior, nor did I view this reconnection as a recycle attempt. I did also think it was odd as I hadn't thought about him for years, so why would I hate him, we were kids. Perhaps they use this line to yes gauge if a reconnected is possible, but I think also to pull on our empathy, of course we don't hate them,  and feeds the ego.



Inferno- your respond is empathic, loving and sincere. I hate to say it but I don't thing you'll get a response that contains 1/10 the loving sincerity that you are offering.

I think you may have a point here about the need for the ego feed.  It may be easier for them to live with themselves by verifying no one bears them any ill will?  Which in itself means they do have an awareness that their behaviour was unacceptable, or why would they still even be thinking about it when we clearly weren't?  Mine specifically stated that he wasn't looking to recycle... .but he was, he just wanted to be more in control of how it panned out/ended I feel with hindsight.  He wasn't though, it ended the same way, so no doubt I'll get the same kind of correspondence in another six years?

And yes, unfortunately I agree that Inferno won't get the sincerity back that he is offering.

[Tater tot]

Am I right in assuming she contacted you with something along the lines of "I know you probably hate me... ."?

This was how my pwBPD recycled, they are looking for confirmation that you don't hate them to gauge whether they can reycle.  I'm not sure how long you've been out, I'd been out six years when I got this kind of recycle correspondence. I also responded that I didn't hate him, which was true, I simply hadn't even thought about him in years.  And the fact that he thought I held any kind of hate for him so long after should have been a major  .  I never did hate him, I still don't, I just disliked his behaviour. 

How interesting. My ex BPDbf  recycled after 10+ years using that same line, " you must hate me". We were teenagers back then and aside from walking on eggshells even then, I never thought about his behavior, nor did I view this reconnection as a recycle attempt. I did also think it was odd as I hadn't thought about him for years, so why would I hate him, we were kids. Perhaps they use this line to yes gauge if a reconnected is possible, but I think also to pull on our empathy, of course we don't hate them,  and feeds the ego.



Inferno- your respond is empathic, loving and sincere. I hate to say it but I don't thing you'll get a response that contains 1/10 the loving sincerity that you are offering.

I think you may have a point here about the need for the ego feed.  It may be easier for them to live with themselves by verifying no one bears them any ill will?  Which in itself means they do have an awareness that their behaviour was unacceptable, or why would they still even be thinking about it when we clearly weren't?  Mine specifically stated that he wasn't looking to recycle... .but he was, he just wanted to be more in control of how it panned out/ended I feel with hindsight.  He wasn't though, it ended the same way, so no doubt I'll get the same kind of correspondence in another six years?

And yes, unfortunately I agree that Inferno won't get the sincerity back that he is offering.

Exactly. He didn't view it as a recycle, just wanted to "make amends and say how sorry he was and how he was a fool for letting me go back then". Well I let him back in, and after 6 weeks... .boom, done in the EXACT same way. His same line (10 years apart) "i'd rather hurt you now, than hurt you worse months or years from now". I'm seeing that now as a bit of projection possibly, in that he'd rather end this now, before I see through the BS and leave him down the road. In both attempts at a relationship, he pulled away as soon as I started feeling closer to him and at the same time expressing my needs in the relationship.

It's so bizarre to me still, how so many of our stories/lines/situations are so similiar on this board. Bizarre, but very comforting to know i'm neither crazy or alone:)

[Suspicious1]

You know, I sent an email a bit like this at the end of my relationship, but I just said that I was sad it was over but was going to get on with my life now.

The thing I think made a difference was that I included the line "I hope that one day, further down the line, we'll meet again and talk. I know you've closed the door to me now, but my door will always be that little bit open for you".

And you know, I think that's what has kept him away more than anything. He doesn't need to check back to see if his supply is there, because he has that email saying that I am. He can move on without feeling abandoned. The irony is that now, I don't want to be recycled every again, but for as long as he believes I could be I'm guessing I'm safe from an attempt.

[OutOfEgypt]

This letter is from you to her?  (Ok, I'm assuming you are a guy and the recipient is a girl)  I know you are trying to be supportive, but what I see is a rescuer.  And that is really the only kind of love she understands (and I don't mean that in a good way)... .someone who wants to be her white knight, her hero, so that she can play it up and then take advantage of them and use them to wipe her rear end and carry the load of all the blame and shame.  And if you dare feel any negative feeling toward all of her hurtful and destructive behavior, and if she sees it or senses it, she will lash out at you like there's no tomorrow.  Tell the truth, and she either won't care or she will paint you black.  That is how she sees things.  You are only allowed to like her, and she is allowed to do whatever she wants.

Everything you say to her in this letter is playing into that sick view of love and relationships.  "No, I don't hate you" is what?  It is a response to her cry of, "I'm a victim... .please like me"... .her almost-remorseful sounding lament of being hated for what she knows are hurtful things she did.  But it isn't remorse.  It is self-absorption.  She is more concerned about herself and how others feel about her than she is about what she has done.  It is a ploy for sympathy, a ploy for you to jump back into the rescuer role so that she never has to feel real guilt for anything and never has to face any real consequences.  She'll always find a rescuer.  She'll always find someone who will step in and say, "Awwww don't feel bad!  I will save you!  Here I am!"

It sounds like you may be a Christian of some kind?  I am a Christian.  And I tell you that, in my perspective, Christians are awful when it comes to this idea.  We are taught to play up the idea of being a "hero" and being chivalrous to our woman.  Chivalry is great, but the problem is... .we aren't the Savior.  There is only One Savior, and we need to stop trying to take His place.  We make ourselves ripe for truly awful relationships with very self-absorbed people.