Harsh truths about your ex.

[newlyhopeful]

I too had excess cortisol when I was trying to get pregnant. I did eventually get pregnant but I still have to take medication for high blood pressure. A legacy from that time. I don't think my cortisol levels would be anywhere near as bad now but having to co-parent I haven't fully managed to lose the source of my stress. I should have known better. I knew about his BPD after the first year of on again off again relationship. I should have turned and run the other way, however we have an incredibly socially aware daughter who has made it all worthwhile for me.

I have just finished  watching August Osage County. It is a perfect study in how BPD screws up families and transmits from one generation to the next. I have told my ex he has the opportunity to have it stop with him. I hope this turns out to be the case

[Loveofhislife]

Newlyhopeful and Visitor:  Harsh truths indeed; chances are that my eye problem is only the tip of the ice berg of the physical damage caused by a one-year relationship with exbfBPD.  When you mention the generational aspect of BPD--handed down from one generation to the next, I can speak to that from my own FOO.  As well, I think there are very real genetic, anatomy/physiology anomalies that predisposition people for BPD.  Just as some of us are more likely to pick up a gene for cancer or heart disease, others are more likely to have BPD--even head injury (often overlooked) can be a risk factor.  On this board, I'm finding a lot of positive correlations between BPD and child abuse.  There were three, natural children in my FOO, and each of us have manifested childhood abuse and neglect differently.  So, there is no "blueprint" that can be replicated but perhaps more of a perfect storm--if one is predispositioned and suffers abuse/neglect.  Either way, Visitor; MANY OF US (check out Codependents No More, CODA, have either denied abuse we have suffered, normalized it, or downplayed it as no big deal.  It is for that reason that I believe I have been VERY vulnerable to pwpd's--I think I've been trying to learn how to tame tigers in the midst of the tiger's cage.  Because some part of me has been denying the danger and horror of what I survived as a child.

[freedom33]

I scored 4 on the ACE test.

Whats an ace test?

[Visitor]

Im not sure if I can post any links but it's a 10 questions that help predict a persons behaviour in later life based on early childhood experiences from care givers (usually parents).

Google the test then go to youtube and type in "The Bomb in the Brain".

Its fascinating stuff.

[drummerboy]

Just googled it and just got this

ACE is primarily ordered to help diagnose and monitor sarcoidosis.

Im not sure if I can post any links but it's a 10 questions that help predict a persons behaviour in later life based on early childhood experiences from care givers (usually parents).

Google the test then go to youtube and type in "The Bomb in the Brain".

Its fascinating stuff.

[Rifka]

Wow this is so interesting. I am going to scrub my bedroom to get possibly any of these chemicals off possibly they still exist on areas my exBPD spent a lot of time sitting or lying on.

Wash that man right out of everything and possible triggers of emotions.

This makes so much sense. Stripping my bed as I type.

I feel great today, working on fixing myself, definately feel like I am crawling out if the dark hole I fell into. No more feeling sorry for myself. Im throwing my pride out the window. I gave all of my love and all of me to our r/s and I feel great about it because that is me.

I will do it again eventually in a new better relationship that I now feel educated enough to see so many signs and red flags that I ignored or had no clue about.i am far from ready yet, I am definately coming out of the mourning stages, but excited about living and laughing more again. He is the past, I am the future!

I am so thankful for all of the threads and information on this site.

All of these experiences that we are all going through have made me feel less isolated because we are all on that same lifeboat. We survived the storm and are heading to safety. I feel like today I see the sun shining strongly. Yes it hurts, but this is probably pride trying to show it's ugly face. Pride can keep this experience around way too much longer than it needs to, so I choose to accept and not feel bad about everything I did to keep the r/s peaceful. I am a peacemaker, I do not see it as a bad thing, I just have to be aware of how much peace needs to exist in the future and not accept the position for myself in any new relationships.

Have a beautiful peaceful weekend around fun people if you can or fun things that you love and make you happy!

[Visitor]

Just googled it and just got this

ACE is primarily ordered to help diagnose and monitor sarcoidosis.

Im not sure if I can post any links but it's a 10 questions that help predict a persons behaviour in later life based on early childhood experiences from care givers (usually parents).

Google the test then go to youtube and type in "The Bomb in the Brain".

Its fascinating stuff.

www.google.co.uk/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=2&ved=0CCcQFjAB&url=http%3A%2F%2Facestudy.org%2Fyahoo_site_admin%2Fassets%2Fdocs%2FACE_Calculator-English.127143712.pdf&ei=9ikDVMnaNvCZ0QWd7oHoAw&usg=AFQjCNEUE8zh3kykTQSeRh_9-1dRJZsIGg&bvm=bv.74115972,d.d2k

Its a PDF called the ACE calculator

MODS sorry if this is against the rules 

[bungenstein]

Thanks to all and to Enlightenme. Sleep deprivation causes and exacerbates high cortisol levels so it's a vicious cycle. I awaken nightly after 4 hours of sleep and if lucky am eventually able to get back to sleep. Many nights during r/s with exbfBPD I was up text/fighting all night defending myself from 24-7 accusations that I was cheating on him (never did)--when I eventually fell asleep, it was trembling with teeth chattering. After an entire year, it took a devastating toll. Let's all focus on taking care of ourselves!

Sleep ic challenging. When I was sleeping with her next to me I was tense. Couldn't fully go to sleep - like if I was sleeping only 60%. My body wouldnt let go. It was like my instincts were in alert. She used to say 'you seem to have an issue letting go and falling fully asleep' she thoughts thats how I was not that she was the contributing factor to this.

Now my sleep is a bit better. There was a period after our our first break up that I couldnt sleep at all and when I could I would wake up sweating at night and sheets would be soaking. I also couldn't work at the time. Just seeing myself typing here I am realising what I have gone through.

I used to jolt in bed, about every 5-10 seconds, my body would jolt, so I'd have to wait until I'd stopped jolting before I could get to sleep, she would try and calm me down by scratching my back, but she was the cause of the jolting. Never have I ever had this in my life, and how did this not raise huge alams bells to me about my health? HOW?

[freedom33]

I used to jolt in bed, about every 5-10 seconds, my body would jolt, so I'd have to wait until I'd stopped jolting before I could get to sleep, she would try and calm me down by scratching my back, but she was the cause of the jolting.

That must have felt terrible. Being consolated by your own abuser. Double betrayal. Ouch! The worse time I can remember in my entire life was when I broke down one night when I was with her. It was a heavy period of constant abuse for 2-3 weeks and when I tried to express my feelings (I don't do that often) I was met with complete denial, gaslighting, minimisation and all the techniques that she could use to not take responsibility for something that she had done that hurt me a lot. I eventually broke down that night crying out of desperation as I have never cried before (deeply as if I was crying from the heart or the lungs). When she saw that, she started consolating me, stroking my hair etc. That moment for me defines how learned hopelesness can be instilled in someone through a period of time - I thankfully picked up my stuff and left a week later.

[workinprogress]

I used to jolt in bed, about every 5-10 seconds, my body would jolt, so I'd have to wait until I'd stopped jolting before I could get to sleep, she would try and calm me down by scratching my back, but she was the cause of the jolting.

That must have felt terrible. Being consolated by your own abuser. Double betrayal. Ouch! The worse time I can remember in my entire life was when I broke down one night when I was with her. It was a heavy period of constant abuse for 2-3 weeks and when I tried to express my feelings (I don't do that often) I was met with complete denial, gaslighting, minimisation and all the techniques that she could use to not take responsibility for something that she had done that hurt me a lot. I eventually broke down that night crying out of desperation as I have never cried before (deeply as if I was crying from the heart or the lungs). When she saw that, she started consolating me, stroking my hair etc. That moment for me defines how learned hopelesness can be instilled in someone through a period of time - I thankfully picked up my stuff and left a week later.

This brings to mind something my UNPD dad used to say to me as a kid.  "The meaner you are to a dog, the more it will like you when you are nice to it."

[Loveofhislife]

"Sleeping with the Enemy," movie staring Julia Roberts came to mind SO many times during my r/a. The title fit perfectly--I could NOT sleep with him: something which angered him. I might doze for a few minutes and wake with a JOLT! Toward the end, I began waking with a true sense of danger, maybe even feeling I was in the presence of true evil. No wonder the adrenal glands, in charge of fight or flight, were working overtime. Rifka, thanks for the positivity: totally agree and look forward to getting there soon. Maybe one more harsh truth is we didn't listen to our bodies when our brains were intoxicated by their pheromones, etc. Next time my body says RUN, I'll be like another Julia Roberts movie, "Run Away Bride:-)

[bungenstein]

I used to jolt in bed, about every 5-10 seconds, my body would jolt, so I'd have to wait until I'd stopped jolting before I could get to sleep, she would try and calm me down by scratching my back, but she was the cause of the jolting.

That must have felt terrible. Being consolated by your own abuser. Double betrayal. Ouch! The worse time I can remember in my entire life was when I broke down one night when I was with her. It was a heavy period of constant abuse for 2-3 weeks and when I tried to express my feelings (I don't do that often) I was met with complete denial, gaslighting, minimisation and all the techniques that she could use to not take responsibility for something that she had done that hurt me a lot. I eventually broke down that night crying out of desperation as I have never cried before (deeply as if I was crying from the heart or the lungs). When she saw that, she started consolating me, stroking my hair etc. That moment for me defines how learned hopelesness can be instilled in someone through a period of time - I thankfully picked up my stuff and left a week later.

Yes this was happening all the time in one way another the entire relationship. Her doing something bad, then her doing things to try and make up for it. Is this part of the tactic to get you enmeshed and dependent on her? To form the trauma bond?

[freedom33]

Thanks for this. Trauma bond. Never heard of this before. Just looked it up.

And I ended up here

www.en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Power_and_control_in_abusive_relationships

Very interesting indeed. The 5 stages of control broadly match the three stages of BPD rs idealisation, clinging, hating

[Loveofhislife]

This brings to mind something my UNPD dad used to say to me as a kid.  "The meaner you are to a dog, the more it will like you when you are nice to it."

Hate to be creepy here, but Charles Manson is known for saying something eerily similar.

[workinprogress]

This brings to mind something my UNPD dad used to say to me as a kid.  "The meaner you are to a dog, the more it will like you when you are nice to it."

Hate to be creepy here, but Charles Manson is known for saying something eerily similar.

Well, the reality of it is that my dad was kind of creepy.  To this day I can still sense him around me.  He would monitor me and everything I did all of the time.  He had a comment for everything.  I became so self-conscious. 

I recall hiding a bottle of liquor behind a bush in the snow one time as a teen, and somehow he found it. 

[freedom33]

My dad was Deniro from meet the fockers. My dad was a focker